<<Sister, wake up!>>
Luna's voice echoed through Celestia's dream, rudely awakening her with the feeling of falling from a height. She groaned, but forced her eyes open. The room was dark, and Luna was silhouetted on the balcony looking over the city. She was in full armor, and wore a grim expression. "Luna, I've had less than an hour of sleep. Unless something is literally on fire, it can wait."
"Well, since that is in fact the case, perhaps you would deign to move your royal posterior."
A resounding roar filled the room, and a distant flare of fire lit room green. Well, that's certainly an old fashioned way to wake up, thought Celestia, as sleep was banished in a rush of adrenaline. She sprang from the bed and began summoning her own armor. Called to arms by a dragon attack...how long has it been? Centuries, it must have been. Was it Ancallagon?
"What's happened?" Long practice let her don her armor without breaking stride, and her halbard appeared beside her with a flare.
“Your former student has moved faster than you anticipated.” Said Luna dryly, gesturing at the scene unfolding. Celestia gasped. Spike, warped by the throws of Greed Growth to what must have been at least one hundred cubits in height, was laying waste to the business district. The green glow of the enchanted fire cast the scene in eerie light. She quickly scanned the scene, her expression matching Luna’s. Simulacra or not, it was still a dire vision of an all-too-real possibility. At least the evacuation of the district seemed orderly away from the immediate crisis zone, but she still estimated more than a thousand would be trapped or dead in the buildings on Spike’s trail of destruction. And unlike a natural disaster, Dragonfire would burn stone. The enchanted flame would use almost anything as fuel, eagerly consuming available motes of power to sustain itself.
“Begin evacuating the school as well. It’s bound to be a high priority target. And order their disenchanters to join the fire crews combating the back blaze.”
Luna closed her eyes and her horn pulsed for a moment. “Done. Before alerting you I also woke everypony in Canterlot and delivered a warning.”
Celestia nodded. “I trust you remembered our discussion on tactful emergency announcements?”
“There is no ‘tactful’ way to announce a dragon attack, sister. But I expect the riots will die down in short order.”
Celestia shook her head. “Your gallows humor is still strong I see.” She flared her horn, to scan the region, and started at the power radiating from the business district. “Harmony, how did he get so strong? And why didn’t the guard catch him as he was growing?”
“One question answers the other. He began his rampage in the crater that was formerly the first national bank and treasury.”
Celestia blanched. “You mean…”
“That we are facing a dragon powered by a not insignificant fraction of the total wealth of the nation, yes. I estimate it will take more than twenty-six hours for the growth spurt to burn itself out. I can safely say the situation has escalated to Code Electrum.”
“You don’t say. Order all guard units in the city to fall back and assist the evacuation.
“Nay, retain the upper city guards and set them to patrol. Though deadly, this assault is but sound and fury. It accomplishes nothing, and reeks of treachery.”
“Luna, your language is slipping. But you’re right, there’s more to this. And where’s Captain Tornado? If we’re going to intervene somepony has to command the guard.”
Luna’s horn flared again. “Now is not the time, sister, and nostalgia moves me. Captain Tornado is alive but unconscious, struck down with lightning in his own chambers by an assassin. Truly, I knew not fair Fluttershy had the stomach for it.”
Celestia blinked. “Fluttershy almost assassinated the Captain of the Guard.”
“Indeed, and made good her escape. Swift Wing is next in command. He was delayed in crowd control, but should arrive at the command center in moments. At which time we should depart without delay. I yearn to join battle in Canterlot's defense, and this delay irks me.”
They paused for a moment, looking down on the burning city. Another roar echoed to the sky.
“This would not have happened, dear sister, if thou had abolished the gold and silver standards as I suggested.”
Cabinet Secretary Dotted Line was desperately in need of tea. He had been awakened from sleep by divine command, pulled himself from the filing cabinet where he had absentmindedly fallen asleep, and found himself tasked by Princess Luna herself to bring order in the face of a dragon attack of all things. Alas, as usual, he was doomed to disappointment. Right, it was time to deal with this mess. He gathered himself to his full height. This was not particularly impressive, especially since he resembled a shaggy and much abused mop even more than usual. But nonetheless the room quieted.
“Alright everypony, that’s enough. This is the civil service. We don’t stop for the end of the world. Tomorrow Equestria will still be here, and somepony needs to keep the lights on. And those ponies are us. Spinning Top,” he said, pointing to a gold furred, red maned unicorn, “I want press releases that simultaneously condemn the responsible party for their barbaric lack of respect for life, minimize the actual damage caused in the attack, celebrate the victims as selfless martyrs, and in no way blame Dragonlord Ember for the crimes of an obvious rogue actor. If there was even a dragon at all, and not an elaborate illusion combined with fiendfire bombs. And I want it last night.” Spinning actually saluted, Celestia bless her, and began frantically scribbling notes. “Sky Scribe” this time he pointed to a blue pegasus stallion with the indefinable aura of the forensic accountant. “Those selfless martyrs and minimally damaged buildings were holding the Equestrian economy together with gum, baling wire, and both literal and figurative dark magic. Find out just how bucked we are, and how exactly we intend to pay for a war when the Canterlot Stock Exchange is a smoldering ruin. And the same goes for the rest of you” he added, looking around to encompass the room. “None of you were picked for your looks, you’re here because you’re the only ones mad enough to run this country. Get to it.”
It was a good speech, Dotted thought to himself, as the frantic bustle of the room took on a more productive tone. It lasted for almost thirty seconds, before an earth pony mare in the white robes of the Diviner Corps burst through the doors. Her uniform was askew, her eyes rolling in fright behind her horn rimmed glasses.
“Doom comes for us all!” She cried, posing rampant and dramatically backlit at the doors.
Dotted leveled a seething glare at her. Which, unfortunately, she missed as her eyes rolled up in her head and she began trembling. “Yes, we already know about the dragon. But thank you for the warning. I’ll be sure to bear it in mind during our military budget meetings.”
“Not the dragon. HER. She’s filling all the futures. Clawing and squirming into them and I can’t see how.”
Dotted suppressed a shiver. Those rolled back eyes were giving him the creeps. “It’s alright, Miss…” he glanced at her badge “Village Temple is it? Just settle down and we’ll get you some tea...”
Village Temple seemed not to hear him, her shuddering only intensified. “She’s speaking to me. How is she speaking to me? Go away, get out of my head!” She shook her head desperately, and suddenly darted forward to stare straight into his eyes. “It’s too late. You can’t stop her. THE PINK ONE COMES!!!!!”
And at that, finally, Dotted understood. Probably far too late, but he still had to try. And Celestia help them all. “Alright everypony, new plan. We are evacuating. This is a Code Cupcakes situation. Code Cupcakes! Now grab all your classified materials and let’s MOVE.”
At that moment there was a distant boom, and a dozen guards burst in. “Cabinet Secretary, there’s been a security breach. We need to go.” Almost before he knew what happening he was being rushed out of the room in blur of armored bodies. The sounds of the in the corridors were getting increasingly frantic.
“She’s past the checkpoint!”
“In the Hall of Desperate Yellows! She’s… where’d she go?”
“Get the unicorns here, and tighten that damn perimeter until it holds!”
They dashed round the corner, Dotted little more than a passenger, and it was like stepping into a war zone. Frosting and crossbow bolts covered the walls. Even as they looked on in shock a guard staggered into their formation, reeling from a pie to the face, and somehow brought another three down in a tangle of limbs. As the remaining bodyguards unceremoniously hauled him like a sack down the corridor, he made the mistake of looking back at the madness. The pink mare seemed to be everywhere. One moment down the hall blinding with a spray of seltzer, the next shockingly closer jamming a cupcake down a guard’s throat, then gone again. Even as Dotted watched in horror she ducked away from the guards cornering her into a closet, only for the door to be blown open in a spray of entangling streamers and confetti. The last thing he saw as they cleared the corridor was a maliciously aimed banana peel sailing over his head that brought another guard crashing to the ground.
“Alright Mr Secretary, in here.” Dotted stared. It was a stationary storeroom.
“Our emergency shelter for Code Cupcakes is a bucking supply closet?” He burst out.
“We were cut off from the real one, but this is acceptable. There’s only one way in or out, We’ll hold the door.” Shining refrained from a sarcastic remark about their comrade’s success. Sometimes there really was only so much you could do. “Lock it, and don’t open it for anypony but Celestia or Luna themselves. No matter how much you want to. And whatever you do, if you hear any rhymes or rhythms, don’t follow them.” And with that they locked him in.
Dotted starred, listening to the momentarily muted sounds of the battle outside, and glanced around the closet. A half hearted attempt at barricading only occupied a few seconds. It wasn’t a big room. Well, if he was going to die, at least at least it was surrounded by paper. He caught sight of an abandoned filing cabinet. Yes, fitting enough. He crawled in, filing himself under L, Dotted, and waited. For a moment all was quiet. Then from the hall outside there was suddenly yelling and the twang of crossbows, There was a thunk, a splat, more yelling, and a sickening slam like a body being crashed into the door And then silence. For a moment, Dotted dared hope that the pink terror had passed him by.
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! It’s comfy in here.” A chipper voice said, from inside the drawer above him.
“GAAH!” Dotted jumped in shock. Unfortunately, within a filing cabinet, there is not much room to jump. It teetered and crashed to the floor, spilling him out in an unceremonious heap. When the pain was over and he opened his eyes, he saw Pinkie happily pronking around an enormous pile of paperwork in the center of the room. Most of which was, at least at first glance, highly sensitive. Then she stopped and stared directly at the air.
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!”
Dotted groaned. “Yes, you mentioned. I’d never have guessed.”
“Ignore him, he’s just a big silly....and I remembered me telling me, duh. Aw, but...hmph” She turned to look at Dotted. “Some ponies are just so rude you know?”
“You’re...not going to get away with this” he managed to say. It was hard mustering defiance from the floor. “Celestia will stop you.”
“No silly, all those guard ponies outside will stop me. They’ll have caught up by now. I can’t really hurt anypony when I do that you know. I can’t even set them up to be hurt.” She let out an enormous grin, far too wide but apparently completely genuine and lighting up her whole face. “That wouldn’t be funny.” Somehow, that innocent cheerful smile just made it all worse.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Weeeeell, I was just going to pull out this” she brandished a small bottle of magically preserved Dragonfire “and make a big bonfire of all the important paperwork and jump into it. But then I had a question and had to wait till you stopped groaning.”
Dotted just stared. There were so many things wrong with that statement, so he just settled for the most alarming. “You’re going to BURN THE PAPERWORK!?”
“Yeah! And then me. But first, what’s that on your chest?” He blinked and looked down. Well, at least she’s planning on showing an appropriate level of remorse, the small part of his brain that wasn’t gibbering chipped in. But as for her question…
“My chain of office?”
“No no no, the other thing! That little rainbow gem there.” She gasped aloud. “Are you a new type of pony? Do we need to have a new species party? I’ve seen a bunch of those in the halls down here. Though really you’re only a new species to me, not yourselves, and it might be rude. Maybe a Welcome to Equestria party? What do you think?”
Dotted actually nervously patted down his chest, but there was nothing of course. “There’s no gem. Pinkie…” He was cut off by the clatter of armored hooves outside the door. Which was, he noted resignedly, still locked and barricaded.
“Yeah...and that’s my cue. But that’s some really weird magic, Twilight will want to take a look at it. I think I”m going to take you when I leave. Sorry.”
“Leave? Pinkie, you’re trapped and surrounded in here. And you said yourself even you can’t get them all.”
“Which is why I’ve got the sending fire. I figure if it can send papers as long as they’re totally burned up, it can do ponies too!”
Dotted blanched. “I’ve never heard of that before. Have you ever tried it?”
“Nope!” And with that she smashed the bottle over the paperwork pile, where it immediately built to a roaring conflagration. “But I just know it will work! Me burning myself to death wouldn’t make anypony laugh! Now get over here.”
Sweet Celestia, she really is insane, he thought. The realization flew through Dotted's head almost casually. She’s burned the paperwork and now she’s going to burn me. And all because it would be ‘funny’. He stared at the madmare in front of him with her demon’s grin, backlit with green Dragonfire and the ghosts of classified documents flying from it like souls of the damned, and Dotted knew the true face of evil. And, as she began to reach for him, he had what he would later describe as a moment of divine clarity. He reached behind him and, with a lifelong bureaucrat's unfailing instincts for notary, seized the one weapon that could possibly aid him against his implacable foe. A youth as the reigning champion of the chemistry department’s office supply wars guided his hand as he drew it back and released. It would not be an exaggeration to say that his whole life had prepared him for that moment. The rubber band struck Pinkie square in the nose, sending her reeling back into the flames. They rose in crackling delight, consuming her in an instant with a hideous smell of burnt hair and sugar. There was a rush of wind, the papers scattering through the room. The fire’s magic expended itself in the effort, reverting to orange from their poisonous green. Pinkie’s last words were a delighted “That tickles!” and a sparkling, choking cloud of pink smoke filled the room before rushing away. And then all was silence.
Dotted looked upon the ruins of the room. More than half of the documents had survived, and most of the remaining fires had been extinguished by the whirlwind. No fires seemed in danger of spreading, in any case. He absentmindedly stomped out a still burning report on the military disposition of Griffonstan that drifted by his hoof. And then the silence was broken as the guards bucked open the door with a crash, scattering his flimsy barricade.The guards, all still bearing the streamers and glitter of their introduction to the Magic of Slapstick, looked at him with something like awe.
“Sergeant” said Dotted, still floating in the moment of strange and incomprehensible serenity. It was almost, but not quite, like tea. “Pinkie is gone, and I’m unharmed. I need somepony with Eyes Only clearance to sort these documents, and then conduct an audit to determine what else is missing. Prioritize any militarily sensitive documents relevant to the Crystal Empire. And have the castle kitchens prepare a large batch of pies, to be distributed to all guard stations.”
“Pies, sir?” said the Sergeant, wincing at the word. Dotted noted that what he had taken for painting coloration on her rust colored body was actually whipped cream.
“Pies. She may be back, and she who lives by slapstick dies by slapstick. Give strict orders that they are only to be eaten when they receive their fresh ammunition tomorrow.” Most of the group saluted and galloped off, leaving just the Sergeant.
“Anything else you need sir?” She said, looking concerned.
“Any number of things, Sergeant, but I’m afraid I’m unlikely to get most of them. But just this second, what I need most is somepony to catch me.” And with that he passed out. It seemed the thing to do at the time.