Chapter Eighteen: Barely Legal
✧❖☬❖✧
As I blew my four hundred and twentieth load into Dissida, I felt something odd happening. A pulling sensation started from behind my navel that soon turned into me actually being pulled away from Dissida. She smiled as I tried to figure out what was going on, then I scrambled to get my pants and trousers back on while Dissida laughed at me. The pulling got harder when it spread to the dorsal sides of my hands and the back of my head, but I managed to get my full kit and clothes on before anything happened. My lever-pistol-thing Pamaus rested on my left hip since I was a better shot with my left hand and I generally kept my ammunition in some of my right pouches anyway. My crossbow, Timothy, was strapped to my right hip, though it was technically bouncing off of my buttock whenever I took a step with it. I decided to leave Ballsy the knife behind because I didn’t want to be seen with a knife that had a pair of bollocks on it, lest someone get the wrong idea. Carey, on the other hand, was situated close to Pam since I was a better knife-fighter right-handed.
After I just barely managed to pick up Doug, my quarterstaff, Dissida hopped out of our nest and came up to me as my back landed flush with one of the cave walls. “Well, Gary-Boy, looks like this is it for now.” She said, smiling a little ruefully.
I was stuck against the wall, but I still managed to shrug. “We’ll see each other again sometime, I’m sure. It’s not like you hate traffic enough to keep you away from your Harbinger, right?”
She snorted and made a face. “It’s not, but I don’t wanna have to deal with Hermes. The guy’s an ass.”
“So are you, Dollface.” I deadpanned.
“I’m like the Goddess of Assholes, you asshole. Worship me.”
“And just why would I worship something as shitty as an arsehole?” I asked boredly.
Dissida blushed and grabbed my sausage, but I just looked at her. “You suck. When you come back, I’m going to show you how much you suck.”
“So you’re going to suck on me, right?”
“Just kill the joy in everything, why don’t you?”
“I’m enjoying myself.” I flashed her a shit-eating grin.
“Asshole.” She grumbled.
“I’m your favourite arsehole, and don’t you deny it.”
Dissida smirked before giving me a brief kiss. “Until next time, Garrison.”
“Maybe.“ I chuckled.
I had enough time to see her pout before my life flashed before my eyes in reverse, starting from my time in The Grey and ending as early as I could recall, going back to blurred faces and tasty treats that I barely remember. When the flash finished, I blinked a few times to clear the fog and found myself out in the middle of another forest, but this one was special; there was colour. It was nice to see brown bark and green leaves again, as well as white birches that popped up every once in awhile. I took in the smells and let the breeze blow around me so I’d know if anything was coming after me while my eyes were closed, but much to my surprise, I was the only creature above fifteen pounds for the next five hundred paces, give or take. The thing about that was that I’d only been trying to check for about fifty paces, which used to be difficult for me. When I’d first started with my Wind Magic, I could fill a twenty foot room and tell you where the big stuff was, but as of that moment, I knew of six squirrels, two chipmunks, a small snake, four large spiders (Large for a spider, that is), and countless other things that popped up in my mind as ‘living’ things, and that’s not even mentioning that I felt like I could reach out and touch any of it at any given time.
I had to try something while I was in the forest, so I let my eyelids fall halfway and focused on creating a bow of wind and air as I’d done when Twilight first started teaching me about Wind Magic. Much to my surprise, all I had to do was picture the bow I’d had in mind in my head and voila! I had a bow in my hand! It was smokey and translucent since the only reason it was even visible was because it had dust in it, but I wasn’t worried about how it looks so much as how it shot. Still tapping into the Mana in my navel, I formed an arrow from the breeze and nocked it, drawing the bow back until my first thumb-knuckle was touching my cheekbone. I had to shoot right-handed since I’d formed the bow in my left, but I’d had enough time to practice with both hands in The Grey, so I hoped that the difference wouldn’t be too severe.
The bow was easy to draw, but when I left the arrow go, I swear I heard the wind begin to roar as if a torrential downpour was coming soon on the shore. It took me less than the blink of an eye to let the arrow go, but it took a little longer than that for the arrow to find its mark. However, when the shot landed, the tree it hit had a gouge in it the width of my fist. I jogged over to check out the damage in detail and saw that the hole was at least eight inches deep, which made me wonder if you could comfortably fuck a tree for all of two seconds before I reminded myself that splinters in sausage would hurt just as much coming out as going in, therefore making the point to get hurt rather than to have fun with wood.
Since my little test with the bow had gone so well, I decided to try forming wings of wind once more, and like the Air Bow, the Wind Wings came together far more quickly and in a much more completed form than they had the last time I’d tried. I wondered why the fuck I was suddenly doing so well with my Magic before I realized that I’d gone insane at least three times in The Grey and had eaten an awful lot of Hellbeast cores. I do mean that I’d eaten plenty, because I’d had Hellhounds bringing me some from their kills after some time, and that didn’t even account for the kills I’d made myself, though thinking of the cores slash hearts of the Hellbeasts made me hungry for their tasty, tasty, magical flesh again. Sadly there were no Hellbeasts in sight, but I did have the tools I needed to go hunting in a normal forest.
I used a skill I’m going to start calling ‘Ill Winds’ to search for food in the five hundred pace radius as I walked along, feeling more and more creatures of various sizes pop up while I was strolling along before I found myself in a place where the wind literally felt ill. I no longer knew where I was, so I conjured the Wind Wings and jumped high, flapping the ethereal wings as I did so to get high into the sky. When I looked down, I saw that I’d gone from a typical forest to what I assumed was some kind of jungle, which would have been fine if that jungle wasn’t the Everfree. While I hung in the air trying to get the hang of the appendages I wasn’t born with, a big fuck-mothering bird that had to be some manner of edible tried swooping down on me from higher above, and it actually did manage to grab me. Sadly, the birdy wasn’t expecting me to have a gun, nor was it expecting to be shot in its avian genitals.
With blood on my head and a rapid descent on my plate at the moment, I started flapping my Wind Wings for all that they were worth, but I didn’t figure out that my best bet was to glide until it was almost too late. As it was, I skimmed the trees before I managed to get myself back into the open air, though I was a little shaken from the close call. I’d just gotten done being dead, and I wasn’t really looking for a return trip to Hell quite yet, so I decided to flap like my life depended on it and get as high into the sky as I possibly could, looking around as I did so. By the time I was high enough to be above the clouds, I was having a little trouble breathing, so I surrounded myself in a bubble of air, and as luck would have it, I didn't need to flap my wings while in my little bubble.
The only thing I could see above the clouds was a castle on a mountain, but I couldn’t tell what it was anymore. I’d long since forgotten the faces of the people I’d known, though I still knew their voices, oddly enough. There were days that I could swear that I’d heard someone while in the Grey, and though I couldn’t remember the names while I was there, I still knew the voices. There was one in particular that sounded purple to me, and I missed hearing it a lot, so I decided to put a little bit of hope into a small jar and start flying toward the mountain. It was going to be a long flight since I was so far away, but then I thought of how fast wind could make something move and willed the wind to blow me like Dissida.
The sheer speed had me smiling like a madman, and the freedom of unassailed flight was beyond magnificent. It easily had to be my new favourite activity besides eating Hellbeast cores, and as I drew closer to the castle, I decided to have a little fun with it and started flying around the mountain rather than to it. The resistance in the air I’d felt while going forward had been pleasurable in its own right, but the forces at play were more fun than the speed, to be honest. The way my body felt like it was being left behind as I surged forward was fun to say the least, and it only got better as I circled the mountain, trying to figure out how to go even faster than I was already going. I wondered if I could make the air split so that I wouldn’t meet as much resistance, and much to my surprise, the idea worked up until I smashed my bubble into someone’s estate on accident. I sent myself straight through a fourth story window, down a hall, and through the other side of the house, which was awesome!
I had to let out a ‘Woop!’ of pure adrenaline fueled excitement since I was still alive, but I think that woop alerted some guards to the fact that I’d just flown through someone’s house at a ridiculous speed because I heard someone shout, “Halt! By the names of the Prin-” before the wind drowned them out.
After a quick glance around to find somewhere to not die, I stopped all of my momentum cold while flying low over a rooftop and scrambled to the ledge to hide. Surely enough, not even a minute later two guards flew by and I decided that it was a good time to get the fuck out of there before they came back for a comb-over or something of the sort. I got up and prepared to jump as hard as I could, clearing the air above me and forming the wings as I lowered myself and got ready to spring. It took me a few seconds to get myself together, but when I was ready, I leapt into the air with enough force to bring a tile or two from the roof I’d landed on with me, the wind spiraling like the rifling of a gun-barrel to speed my ascent even further. I’d barely had enough time to blink before I was in a cloud, and after I finally managed to open my eyes again, I felt like I could see everything. The castle was but a distant memory beneath me, the whole of whatever town I’d happened to cause havoc in seeming to have become a shilling on the ground.
In a panic, I sucked air from below me and formed a bubble of hot air around me as I nearly fucking froze and struggled to breathe, peaking as I stopped willing my Magic to carry me higher. I didn’t know how long I’d take to fall, but I really wasn’t trying to die at the moment, so I let myself split my attention between keeping enough air in my bubble to breathe and lowering myself safely. When I didn’t have to go for a thousand fucking paces for breathable fucking air, I stopped and floated for awhile, feeling a little drained from the cold closer to the Sun. It was odd since Daelus had told me that the Sun had melted his son’s wings during their prison break when he’d gone too high, but I chalked it up to the Magic in Equestria and tried to find a decent place to land.
Getting a good spot that wouldn’t draw too much attention to myself wasn’t very hard anymore since the Sun had been setting during my little escapade, though I wondered if it didn’t take very long because it was one of the winter months or if Equestria’s Sun just set quickly. I wasn’t really paying attention earlier since I was still sorting out the feelings of being hot and cold after a thousand years of feeling neither at all. I decided that it was cold since I was having a hard time wiggling my toes in my boots. With frostrot a potential problem, I decided to surround myself with some warm air stolen from someone else’s home for a little while, keeping a little bubble of it around myself as I tried to remember why the place seemed so familiar. I knew I’d been to the castle’s town before with the coloured voices, I just couldn’t place when or where. I did, however, know that I had money, and I never forget where I keep my money.
✯☾Ω☽✯
I knew I was about to be rather amused whenever Garrison managed to find someone he actually thought was worth talking to, but for the time being, I had other matters to attend to. Twilight requested my presence in her office at Heaven Central, and I was pretty damn quick about materializing there since, you know, urgent. When I came face to face with my wife, she didn’t actually bother to look at me for a few minutes, using a calculator and some 2T-to-QD screens (Telepathic-Transcription-To-Quantum-Digital) to plow through her work until I felt something tap my shoulder. I wasn’t surprised that it was Twilight, but I was a little annoyed that she’d made me wait for her when she could have just come to me in the first place.
Through the power of a hello kiss, I stopped giving a fuck, though I was still curious about what she wanted. I followed her out of her office quietly so we wouldn’t disturb her Para-Person and we started walking around Heaven Central Circle, watching as people milled about, stopping by stands and grabbing snacks and party favours of all kinds besides actual drugs. No one paid us any mind since we didn’t want to be seen on our walk and we just enjoyed the familiar feeling of holding hands and walking for a little while before we got anywhere close to talking shop.
Twilight seemed to be in a pretty good mood when she said, “It’s nice.”
“What is, Cherry?” I asked pleasantly.
“Power.”
I pursed my lips. “Gone off the deep end?”
“I haven’t seen you in a little too long, so we’re going to have to keep up a regular schedule before things are all said and done.” She replied, still sounding cheerful.
“... Is that your way of saying that you’ve cleared my schedule?” I inquired hopefully.
My beautiful, sweet, loving, caring, compassionate, darling gem of a wife gave me a wink. “What do you say we go visit the kids?”
The smile that’d been growing on my face fell for all of a nanosecond before my jaw dropped. “... You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
“Nope!”
I wrapped Twilight up in a monumental hug that would be spoken about in the plaza for weeks to come. The warmth and love radiating off of me birthed dozens upon dozens of new benevolent species that would grow into advocates for peace during multiple galactic wars, and I decided to give them the know-how to peacefully resolve said wars. I was happier than I’d been since Twilight had Drake, my youngest. Bluebell’s birth was a slightly more panicked occasion, but that detail mattered so little in the moment that it wasn’t even worth thinking of, but I’m God so I think of stupid shit constantly. Instead of just hugging my Supah-Fly Honey, I departicalized and shared my joy with her through The Covenant.
She eventually started giggling and begged, “Max, get out of me! You tickle, you Butthead!”
I materialized outside of her and couldn’t keep my tears from falling or my lips from trembling. “I loving fuck you right now su moch.”
Twilight giggled some more and gave me a warm, soft hug. “I love you too, Max. After all these years… I’ve finally found a way to pay you back.” She murmured as I sobbed tears of just… Joy. Happiness. Peace. Everything was finally going to be alright, and I wasn’t going to have to make it that way anymore.
It took me a good while to let Twilight go, and it took me a good decade in a pocket dimension with Twilight and Roxy to finally stop crying, but once I finally got my shit together, Twilight, Roxy, and I went to see our kids together for the first time since I’d cemented my position as Maximus Omnium. Roxy insisted that we see Drake first and Twilight didn’t mind visiting Roxy’s son before her own blood since both of my kids thought of Roxy and Twilight as their mothers. They just didn’t consider me their father, which sucked, but I had a feeling that it was about to suck a whole lot less.
We showed up on Drake’s doorstep and Twilight encouraged me to be the one who knocked for some odd reason. I kind of felt like Walter White for a second, thus killing the drug dealing scumbag off in multiple parallels out of goodwill as I knocked on my son’s door for the first time since he moved out. I waited on cold feet that stuck to the ground (I made them do that so I wouldn’t bolt), and when the moment of truth finally came, Drake looked me in the eye, and I looked back, wishing that I would’ve thought to grow a beard so I didn’t look like I was younger than him. Still, I saw myself in his face, but in his eyes I saw a man far better than I could have ever been, and my heart welled with more pride than I’d felt when Twilight and I had fully established ourselves as rulers.
“Hullo, Drake.” I said softly.
My son worked his jaw. “... S’been awhile. Dad.”
I blinked and tried not to let my tears fall as I smiled. “I should’ve stopped by sooner.” I murmured back.
He looked at me, taking in the sight of the man who claimed his husband’s life through cancer. “Only if you were willing to tell me why you took Paint Splatter from me. If you-” Twilight handed him a thing in an envelope and he stopped talking. “What’s this, Mom?”
“Read it, Smugmug.” Twilight said, gesturing for him to open it already.
Drake looked at her until her had the envelope open and the contents in his hand. A necklace that I recognized as Roxy’s and a piece of paper were all that were inside, and Drake didn’t have to read the paper aloud since everyone was watching through his eyes anyway. Yes, we’re invasive parents, but his eyes were created by us, so they’re our eyes when we want them to be. Anyway, the note read as such.
Dear Drake,
Do you remember your favourite Uncle? I know it’s been awhile, and I know that if you’re reading this, then I’m definitely long gone. I don’t know how to tell you this other than to just say it, but… I loved you. I loved you a lot, but I knew that by framing Max to hurt you, it’d destroy him inside more than anything I could do to him. I don’t expect your forgiveness, because I’m sure Max has killed me for getting revenge on him for bucking me over harder than you could even possibly fathom. I know you think your parents are Alicorns, but if the person who gave you this is an alien or something you’ve never seen before, ask them about Fate.
Don’t think. Just ask. I don’t know who Max would have replaced me with, but I doubt it’d be someone loyal to him. He wouldn’t be dumb enough to do it a second time if he knew why I changed Fate and caused a schism between Max, yourself, and Bluebell. However, if you’re reading this and I’m not gone, then I gave it to you in person, and you’re actually dead. Paint Splatter shouldn’t be far behind me.
I hope an eternity of peace and happiness with your lover is enough for an apology.
With Love,
Crimson Tide.
Drake stared at the letter for a good while and looked at Roxy’s necklace for a moment. “Mum?”
“Yes, Sweetie?” Roxy asked, eyeing the necklace herself in confusion.
“... Why did Crimson have your necklace?”
“I couldn’t tell you. I just made another one a long time ago.” She said truthfully.
“Right.” Drake nodded, blinking rapidly.
“Drake, I didn’t know-” I said.
“Dad, I’m so sorry.” He said shakily, his features mimicking mine in appearance and emotion. “All this bloody time…”
“Son, I’m God. We have more time than you think.” I chuckled.
“... So you’re not an Alicorn.” He said slowly.
“I haven’t been an Alicorn since before this planet existed.” I snorted.
Roxy gasped. “So we’re just spilling the beans now!? What was the point in hiding it all these years!?”
“I assume that story Dad told about the man and the King applies here.” Drake said drily, getting over his emotions like I used to back in the day.
Roxy blinked. “The one where the king gives the man enough to live and the man keeps asking for more?”
“I’ve heard that story more times than I’ve heard ‘Drake, put that book down and go to bed!’.” He replied, mocking his biological mother ruthlessly.
Roxy blushed and a rolled up newspaper appeared in her hand. “Forgetting where to apply that respect I taught ya, aren’t you?”
“Sorry Mum.” He spoke so fast it would’ve sounded like ‘Sahmum’ to most Humans.
“S’what I thought.” Roxy huffed.
I threw a rubber ducky at Roxy. “Be nice.”
“Oh, you’re just trying to get on his good side because you’re estranged!”
“Duh.” Twilight, Drake, and I replied in unison.
“I was going to beat him with the newspaper if you balked.” I admitted.
“Hardass.” Drake grunted.
“Don’t ‘ass’ and look like me.” I sighed.
“Ass ass ass ass, ass ass ass ass, ass ass ass ass; stop. Now make that motha-fuck- Ow!” Roxy threw a skillet at him.
“I swear! How in the bloodiest bits of Hell did you manage to get Twilight’s intelligence and Max’s lack of respect? You’re not even Twilight’s kid!” Roxy groaned.
Drake smirked at her. “Do you want the first hug, or does Dad get that honor?”
I snuck him while he was blinking. “Dibs.” I said, giving my son a hug… God… That feels so good to say. I think I might start crying again, dear Lord…
“Easy, Dad. Might start getting a little homo here in a sec.” Drake jibed.
I jabbed him in the kidney. “Shut it, punk.”
He jabbed me back, but I never could get him to throw a good punch. “Bite me, Old Man.”
I backed off and let Roxy get her hug in, followed closely by Twilight. Drake allowed us to come into his apartment, and I have to say that it was a nice enough little place, but I wasn’t expecting to see some Mare standing awkwardly in the kitchen, acting like she hadn’t heard a thing. “Hi.”
I waved. “Hullo. I’m Maximus, Drake’s Dad.”
She waved back. “Fairy Dust. I’m… Uh… Drake’s special somepony…”
I gave her a warm smile. “I bet you’ve heard that I’m an utter piece of shit, right?”
“She hasn’t heard a thing about you. You were dead, which is funny, right? Because you rule the country… Ha. Ha ha… Ah, fuck, this is weird.” Drake said.
“Stop swearing so much.” Roxy chided.
“Yes Mummy Dearest, whatever you say Mummy Dearest, I’ll curtail my language Mummy Dear- Ow!” Twilight hit him this time.
“Respect your mother, young man!” Twilight admonishes harder than Roxy, so it was more effective.
Drake rubbed his head. “Now I believe that you were the abusive one back when it was just you and Dad.”
Fairy Dust gasped, her eyes wide while Twilight flushed bright red. “I was not abusive! I never left so much as a bruise on Max!”
“Bullshit.” I coughed.
“Lyin’.” Roxy hacked.
“Damn, sold out.” Drake commented.
“What did your Mum just tell you, Drake?” I asked.
He scratched the back of his head. “Sorry, Dad.”
I raised a brow and he looked at Roxy. “Sorry, Mum.”
Roxy did a doubletake, looking between me and Drake. “You go to war with your Dad for half a decade and you listen to him over me!?”
“Let it go, Frosty.” I said softly. “He’s so much younger than us it’s ridiculous.”
“I’ll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat, Mister Fearspect.” She snapped.
“Mum, I was just giving you a hard time is all. You take jokes better than Dad ever has.” Drake reasoned.
She gave him a look. “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter. What you don’t know is that I was created from your father. I’m basically Max, but female and better in general.”
I jammed a thumb into her ribs. “Don’t listen to her. She might be my Eve, but she’s not leading me into temptation because I’m the temptation.”
“Dear God, help me.” Drake groaned, his cheeks pinkening through his scruff.
Twilight chuckled. “Your girlfriend meets your parents for the first time and it goes swimmingly!”
Fairy Dust came to stand next to Drake, and both of them avoided looking at anyone. “About that…”
“You better not be engaged.” Roxy said frostily.
Drake glared at her. “I’m a grown ass man-”
Roxy whipped out a foam baton. “Square up, grown ass man, ‘cause Mummy’s bringing Smackdown back to Friday nights.”
“Smackdown?” Drake asked before he started getting clobbered.
Fairy Dust just stared while Twilight and I started chatting about how we wanted to run the weather teams for the next couple of weeks. When Roxy was done working out her frustrations, Drake was nice and subdued, a little stunned that his tiny little Mum could swing so hard. “Have you learned your lesson yet?” Roxy asked.
“I think I’ve got a new kink.” Drake blurted.
I started cracking up and Twilight had a sudden ‘coughing fit’ that she eventually gave up on. Roxy went back to work with a longer baton for more leverage before cloning herself so she could beat him with a phonebook. Neither really hurt that much since the foam was thick and the phonebook was a fucking paperback, but Roxy’s physically stronger than me because the previous Fate was a vindictive cunt and had a grudge against me for subverting ‘It’ back when I killed Discord. Yeah, my fucking crowning achievement as Prince of Equestria, Savior of Equus, wasn’t supposed to go down how it did, but that’s a story for another time.
I held a tiny, toxic black ball and rolled it between my fingers, a whole Archetype lying in my grasp. The one rule I broke as Maximus Omnium, and I’ll never admit to it. Not in this extended lifetime, anyway. I wondered if the scene before me would be unfolding if I didn’t flip Fate the bird the first time around, but the more I thought about it, the more sure I was that I’d made the right decision, because the alternative was too heavy for my heart to bear. Thinking about it soured my mood, but watching my little Slush Puppy beat Little Man down with sheer blunt force put a smile on my face.
With my secret tucked right next to my bronze pea of hope in Betwixt, I nudged Twilight and gestured toward the closest Roxy. She winked and I smiled. “Drake, are you just gonna get whooped by two midgets?” I asked teasingly.
“This is child abuse!” He yelled, running around and trying not to get hit. He sounded pretty winded and got hit a lot.
I folded my arms and chuckled. “I know you’ve read Left Foot, Right Foot, Left Foot, Right Foot. This is nothing.”
“Did you write that or something!?” Drake asked, finally tackling one of his mothers and picking her up. The other Roxy disappeared and the real one gave him Hurricanrana DDT to make Drake regret his decisions in life.
I walked up to Drake as Roxy put him in a body lock. “Son, it’s an autobiography. I just picked a different Pen Name. Silver Flakes?” I tapped my right cheekbone, right below my blue eye.
He looked for all of two seconds before his jaw dropped. “... Dayum.”
“I give up.” Roxy uttered, vexed. She let him go shortly after.
“It’s an appropriate response to the news. I’m guessing we should call Bluebell and get her over here so someone other than Daddy Dearest can repeat it.” Twilight said frankly.
I pointed at Twilight and beamed. “Idea! Is good!”
Drake was back on his feet by this point, giving his Mum a sidelong look. “Yeah, about… Y’know… That.” Drake said, sucking air between his teeth. “Bluebell went to Earth?”
“The fu- What the f- Dude, Bruh, Mate, Bruvva, my guy, Homie please. Are you high? Tell me that you are high. Why did I not know this!? I’m fucking Maximus. God. Damned. Omnium! How in the shitballs does my daughter fuck off to shitland to do shit without anyone telling me shit!?”
Drake looked at Roxy expectantly and gestured toward me. “He just did an awful lot of swearing. Hit him.”
“Don’t tell your mother what to do.” I said blankly, snapping into Dad Mode in a heartbeat.
“Fuck off tho.” Drake said, trying to get a decent Stun Spell together.
“Stop what you’re doing before I spank you in front of your girlfriend.” I said flatly.
“Why is abuse your answer to everything I do?” Drake asked.
“Because your sister was the good child.” Twilight answered loftily.
“So she was the favourite.” He said flatly.
“You never liked bonding with me.” I replied neutrally.
“All you ever wanted to do was teach me how to hurt something!”
“All I ever wanted to do was teach you how to protect yourself without Magic.”
“Same difference!”
“That’s not a very smart thing for someone so intelligent to say.” Twilight chided. “Do you want to be dumb? Because being stubborn is a good basis for being dumb.”
“If you were any other colour than orange, I would respect what you say.” Drake grunted.
“Smartass Grandma’s Boy.” Roxy muttered.
“You just wish he was a Momma’s Boy.” I chuckled.
“Shut up and split so we can go see your manly daughter.” Roxy replied, holding the same volume.
I rolled my eyes and prodded Twilight’s consciousness, asking her if she wanted to come along and go visit Bluebell while Drake was busy making an arse of himself in front of his mild little tart. We’d still know what went on and get to know her of course, but for the time being, I was eager and anxious simultaneously to get to talk to my favourite child. Don’t fucking look at me like that, every parent has a favourite, and mine is a Daddy’s Girl who was always ready to give me a hug when she got home from school. I may have missed both of my children, but Drake smelled like a Human, and Humans don’t really smell all that good in general. Not bad per se, just not as good as Ponies, and guess what my daughter happened to be?
While Drake was a Scholar who still lived in the Capital (Ponyville, at this point in time), his sister had moved to the Crystal Empire to live with her Aunt and Uncle when she’d turned seventeen, and I hadn’t seen her since. My little girl would be the same age I was when I first came to Equestria, and her last memories would be of me trying to talk to her through a door while she did things I’m not trying to talk about. Drake’s hatred of me had been a quiet dislike, a simple ignoring of my existence. Bluebell thought I was a pervert, and the rumours about me in my early days still circulate.
I steadied myself with a little help from Twilight and Roxy as we materialized in the Crystal Kingdom, specifically in the Crystal Castle’s Royal Family Room because Bluebell wasn’t actually on Earth anymore, probably having had enough of it after some time. Roxy and I both get phone anxiety, so we had Twilight dial up Cadance and Shining Armour so they could get Bluebell to stop doing whatever it was that she was doing and schlep her arse to the Family Room for some stern talking to from a stern pair of concerned parental figures. Sternly, as Twilight put it. We settled down on the sofa, and when they chose to shift in, Shining and Cadance took up the loveseat.
“So it’s finally time for this talk.” Shining said awkwardly.
I nodded. “Yeah… I can’t let Bluebell think I was trying to hurt her or pull some creepy shit on her anymore.”
“We’ve heard both sides of the story, and we believe you Max, but what makes you think Bluebell is going to listen to you?” Cadance asked, concern etched across her face.
“... I’m going to duel her.” I said softly.
“No.”
“No.”
“No”
“No.”
“I agree.” Bluebell said from behind me, sending shivers down my spine.
“No!” Twilight thundered.
I shifted to my feet and faced Bluebell. She… She looked like a strong, independent young woman. I looked past her pale blue coat and looked into her deep violet eyes. I took a deep breath and let it out shakily. “Your terms?”
“I forbid this! No! Max, your dry streak will extend beyond the end of time if you fight our daughter!” Twilight screamed.
“No blood,” Bluebell said, making her mother calm visibly, but she still looked pissed beyond normal levels of deadly as fuck, “one sword. You must use a sword designed for the right hand-”
“Baby Blue, that’s so dirty!” Cadance spouted.
“It’s smart.” I said. “Honor is a nicety when you’re convinced that you’re looking at a rapist.”
“So what’s it like being Equestria’s biggest hypocrite?” Bluebell asked.
“The only thing I’m hypocritical about is killing people.”
“You’re an Alicorn. A Truth Spell wouldn’t work against you if you didn’t want it to.”
“Three killing blows or being held at blade. I’ll see you in the practice field.” I said, Shifting out.
Twilight followed me and nagged my fucking ear off. “Max, will you stop and think for two seconds!? What do you plan on doing here!? You can’t fight our Baby Blue!”
I looked at her calmly. “I’ve trained her since she was a foal. Noir’s been teaching her in the mindscape for so long, she’s technically hundreds of years old, Twilight. Bluebell has always been able to take care of herself.”
She glared at me with the full scorn of a mother bear protecting her cub. “I’ll fight you if you make me, Maximus.”
I matched her gaze, but I saw no give in those beautiful eyes of hers. “... I should probably trust you on this, but Bluebell and I always settled things with duels, Twilight. We’ve done it for years.”
“She’s not some filly you can just take down without a problem now, Max! What if you hurt her!? What if she hurts you!?”
I looked at her. “Then you heal us.”
“Oh. Shut up and don’t fight our damn daughter!”
“Is that your advice as a mother or advice as Fate?” I asked.
“I can’t actually answer that, but do you honestly think any mother wants their husband fighting their children?”
“You were happy to watch Drake get beaten and he’s your favourite.” I countered.
“I don’t have a favourite, thank you very much-” Twilight glanced behind me and stopped for a second before continuing. “Unlike you who apparently feels the need to smother your child about every little thing!”
“What does that have to do with my favorite? I didn’t smother Bluebell, I just didn’t want her to go down a dark path like I did! I mean, Hell! Both of our kids turned out better than me-”
“We might have done something right, but Bluebell hates you,” Twilight said coldly. “and here you are trying to fight her.”
“Twilight, you’ve seen the memories, she’s seen the memories; what other proof do I have? How can I convince my daughter that I just didn’t want her to pick up a bad habit at an early age!? I mean fuckin’ seriously here, Twilight. You said that we should try coming to her again and all I got is the old standby. If you know of some fucking way to make Bluebell call me Dad again or just fuckin’ look at me without that fuckin’ look in her eye-” I sniffed and cleared and eyes. “You never had to see her look at you like that, Twilight. Like you stabbed her in the back. Like you tried to do some unforgivable fuckin’ bullshit that goes against every fuckin’ fiber of your being. What do I do?” I asked, hoping that the smartest woman in six hundred and sixty three galaxies would have something for me.
Twilight just looked at me for a moment before the ghost of a smile curved her lips, confusing me while there were tears running down my face for like the billionth time. “... Dad?”
I whipped around and the obvious struck me: Twilight was obscuring Bluebell from my Awareness. She’d heard everything I’d just said. “... How long have you been there?” I asked slowly, too stunned to fix my face.
“... I’ve never seen you cry.” Bluebell answered quietly.
I cleared my eyes with a conjured handkerchief and wiped a bit of bogey jam off of my nose, trying to regain my composure. “There’s a reason it’s been so long, Dear Heart.”
Bluebell’s slap was lightning fast, but she was still young. I caught it easily, even while trying not to burst into tears again. “You’re getting slow, Max.”
I spoke through my teeth. “It’s hard to hold it together when I know you’re hurting and I can’t help you.” I let her go.
She looked at me with steel in her eyes. “Why didn’t you stop me from moving here?”
I looked her in the eye and no amount of willpower stopped the dams from leaking. “Cowardice.”
I didn’t need to explain everything to her. She’d heard it from Twilight a thousand times. She’d heard the whole, ‘I didn’t stop you because you’re of age and that’s your right.’ bullshit, and the ‘Also, you slapped your father in the face with that bullshit!’ rant from Shining more than a few times. She’d gotten other lectures and had basically ended it there, cutting ties with me, even through the Dragon Mail I’d sent her. She couldn’t file for a Restraining order since I was King of the largest nation in the world, but she’d moved to the one place she knew everyone else hated me too. The Crystal-Fucking-Kingdom. I didn’t want to know what else she’d heard that would poison her against me. I didn’t want to see her hate me even more than she already did. I didn’t want to lose what precious few memories I’d had of my little Amazon.
“... Mom wouldn’t forgive you if I made you do this.” Bluebell said softly.
“I don’t want to lose you over parenting.” I said shakily.
Bluebell’s coat turned bright pink. “I heard Drake grunting like a baboon for years!”
“We bitched at him a million Godmothafuckinshitdickingtiballsfucktarded more time than you!!!” I blurted. “Oh my God, Roxanne and I used to go spelunking down that boys fuckin’ throat for the sake of some silence on the weekends! That’s why we moved back to Arcadia Arcadia, and didja not fuckin’ bloody fuckin’ notice that we went right back ta bloody Ponyville when he Ponyville out out!? I mean- erg-” I held my temples and gasped for breath. “Holy shit I’m having a stroke. I think I’m actually having a stroke. Am toast imagining toast burning? Not toast, toast. Toast.” I started panicking. “T-T-Toast! Toast! Toast!”
“Max, Max, calm down!” Twilight grabbed ahold of me and delved into my Anima, then my soul, traced my chakras, and observed my Mana.
“M-Mom? What’s going on?” Bluebell asked, freaking out a little bit herself.
Roxy materialized in front of me and put her hands on my chest. “... Oh shit.”
“Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit-shit!” Twilight barked. “Roxy, get him to Ulfberg Warmane! Now!”
Roxy’s universe was right next to his, and as we departiclized and warped, I could feel my Aspects slamming back into my consciousness as my Awareness grew holes, despite my efforts. The holes weren’t horribly large, but they encompassed entire countries on gigantic planets that would easily dwarf the Sun, so I scuttled everything that had red strings of Fate tied to them first, sparing the worst off from their Fates as I could. Another Aspect rebounded into me as Roxy explained what was going on to the best Healer in existence, but I was able to fling that one back out into the expanses and have it help me search for the places I was having trouble seeing. It was like having cataracts until I realized that I just couldn’t focus. My head hurt as I tried to zero in on Equis to see how things were going since Fate was evidently still fucking with me, but I doubted that Twilight would screw me with Godly diplopia.
Fucking... I’m old.
To make an instantaneous visit, diagnosis, treatment, and release even shorter, I was on a shorter time limit than I thought I was on. Gods don’t get diseases, but apparently we do get weak once we get so old. Think of a God’s life as the life of a star: We start out mortal and weak, our true potential scattered like a stellar nebula. Then some godly prick collides some atoms together, or rather, stirs up trouble on a planet and throws a guy on it, and Bam! You got yourself a god! Lowercase G. Then, you make that God expend vast amounts of their power, meanwhile the star heads in red supergiant territory and doesn’t fry you from as far a distance. However, gods do become Gods, just as the supergiant supernovas. However, that supernova is dangerous for a God, because if someone collects a little too much energy, lives just a little too long, then it’s black hole time. Game over. The stroke was the first sign of me reaching the black hole stage, and that was the worst news possibly given in the collective histories of the Triple Sixes.
Within ten years time, I was going to become the Last Nameless One. If Garrison didn’t manage to earn Godhood within ten years, then I would become one of the Nameless Abominations and wipe the slate clean.
I collected my aspects into ten bodies, which meant that I was effectively leaving Universe One to Roxy. Even with my strength collected, I only managed to squeeze a few more years into my flask, and now because I waited too fucking long to man up and ask Roxy to take over for me, she had to stretch herself thin to restart her universe and keep the ball rolling in mine while she trained her replacement. Still, I started working even while I was recovering, sending my remaining Aspects out into the wilds to seek out the other Gods and the Devil Pairs of each universe to start locking down Universe One before it was too late. The Fate of Existence itself rested on the shoulders of a being who’d just finished a thousand year sentence in his cultures Hell by sexually assaulting the Devil herself and eating the things that used to eat him.
I honestly didn’t know how to feel.
✧❖☬❖✧
So I forgot how to read. It only took me a couple of hours to get used to Common again, but that was just reading it. The first few Ponies I talked to looked at me funny as I spoke in Vulpha to them before they walked off, but I did manage to talk to a dog who told me where I could find a money place. I just hoped that it was my money place, having forgotten the word for ‘bank’ up until I saw it on the building. Once I was pretty sure that my name was Garrison Varas, I prayed to Dissida for her to teach me Common again and she granted me the boon, saying that it was the only one I was getting for the day since I needed it to get anything done.
I only realized that I should’ve asked her to fix my memory completely after she got me talking again, and the sound of her laughter in her head reminded me to grab a clothespin the next time I saw her. I knew of a little nub that needed its attention, though I figured I’d have to find one that flexed. ‘… Ooo, a ‘paper clip’ would be perfect!’ was as far as I needed to go since I could just drop a couple into a few pouches and forget about them until I actually needed them. With my thoughts together and a plan to put in motion, I mixed in with the early risers as well as I could since a lot of the people out and about at the wee hours of dawn were rarely up to any good while scoping out my bank before I realized I wasn’t trying to rob it.
Face met palm in as I dumbed to brain, but I climbed onto a tall tree during a thunderstorm to come back as the New Garrison; electrified and galvanized, which means the same thing, I think. Fuck. Oh well. The point is that I got my head out of my arse and into the bank, walking up to one of the tellers with what I hoped was a charming smile. “Wotcher. Garrison Varas, here for a withdrawal.”
The small fellow gave me a frightened look. “A-Are you here to rob us?”
I blinked at him. “No, Sir. I have an account at this bank.”
He looked at me. “A-A-And y-y-your name?”
“Garrison. Varas.” I said slowly.
He scurried off as fast as he could and I scratched my beard. I wondered why he seemed so frightened, so I pulled Carey out and looked at myself in her reflection. I looked good with a beard, but that was about all I saw other than some hair that severely needed to be cut. I didn’t pay it any mind and put Carey away, but the second I had her sheathed, I felt a disturbance in the wind behind me, so I turned to see a portly fellow with shaggy fur ambling toward me with his hand on his baton. I put both of my hands in the air and waited for him to approach with little interest.
“Sir! There are no weapons allowed in the bank!” He barked when he got close to me.
“Ah, would you like to confiscate them for a moment, then? I’d hate to break the rules.” I said pleasantly.
“Oh no, you’re not walking through Canterlot armed like a bandit!” The security fellow shouted.
“Sir, I’m only passing through. I’ve been gone a long time-” He drew his baton and raised it. “Don’t do that, Bruv. You’ll regret it.”
He waved it menacingly. “Get out now!”
“I have money in this bank. I am a peaceful customer-” He started toward me, so I thrust a hand forward and made the wind blow him away since I didn’t want to actually hurt him; just make him fuck off long enough to get my money.
I turned around to see a lot of sacks of bits on the counter behind me, so I scratched my head and started looking for a teller. I locked eyes with one and waved. “Excuse me, Miss? I’d like to make a withdrawal under Garrison Varas.”
She stared back at me. “... So you’re not here to rob us?”
“No, Miss.”
“... Do you remember the account number?”
“Do the numbers four-thirteen-eight-twenty-six mean anything to you?”
“Did you have two letters to go with that?”
“Two A’s.”
“I’ll check and see if your account is still on file. How much would you like to withdraw?” She asked timidly.
“Five hundred, please. I should have considerably more than that, I do believe.” I answered politely.
“What would you like that in? Bits come in increments of twenty-five up to one hundred.”
“Can I have twenty-five ones, five twenty-fives, five fifties, and two hundreds?” I asked.
“Yes Sir, I’ll have it for you right after I confirm your account.” She hustled off and I approached her booth unassailed. Apparently all I had to do was prove that I was just there for some bits that were actually mine and all was well.
I waited around for a little bit before the door exploded with activity around the same time the woman came back with my bits. She was counting them out for me as guards filed into the building before presenting a vaguely familiar Mare with white fur and a very peculiar mane. I watched her impassively as she came to me, but before she could say anything, I raised a hand, turned, and accepted my bits from the teller.
“Thank you.” I said pleasantly.
She stared at the woman behind me, so I turned, tying my new pouch to my belt. “Can I help you, Ma’am?”
“You don’t recognize me at all, do you?” White Voice asked.
“You’re the White Voice. You told the Purple Voice to stop looking for me.” I said frankly. “I’d be more offended if I actually knew that you said anything of the sort, but my feelings are still rather hurt.” I replied.
“... Garrison, how long have you been gone? How long do you think you’ve been apart from Equestria?” White Voice asked.
“I’ve been in Hell for a thousand years. [I had to relearn this language, which is terribly inefficient.]” I said, half in Vulpha.
“[It serves its purposes.] What happened while you were in Hell?” She asked.
“I kept getting eaten so I started eating the things that were eating me.” I answered blithely.
“... Do you mean that literally, or…?”
“Hellhounds tore my flesh apart and consumed me. I would heal and have to run from them all over again until I decided to stand and fight. When I started winning, I started getting hungry, so I ate their hearts.”
She blinked at me and subconsciously leaned away. “Seems like you’ve had quite the time of it.”
“Were we friends?” I asked.
“... Yes.” She said slowly.
“What is your name?”
“Princess Celestia.”
I extended a hand. “It’s nice to meet you again, Princess. Do you know a good place to get a steak?”
“Would you settle for a delicious omelette?” She asked, adding in some subtext.
“That sounds better than the steak. Will there be cheese?” I asked.
“Do you like ricotta? I find that it’s exceptional in an omelette.” Celestia said courteously.
“I don’t remember if I’ve ever had it, but then again I don’t remember what I look like either. Can I shave before we eat?”
“I can have a professional make it easier on you.” She offered.
Something clicked in my head. “Your name isn’t Princess, you are a Princess! No wonder there are so many guards with you.”
Celestia gave me a concerned look. “Would you say that you’re of sound mind at the moment, Garrison?”
“I’m not even completely sure that’s my name, to be honest with you. Dissida called me Gary or Lover-Boy most of the time.”
“... It’s truly a shame when a being grows old enough to forget their own name.” She said tenderly. “Tell me, do you know what fruits you still enjoy?”
“Can you remind of what one is?”
“Foods such as apples and oranges.”
I smiled. “The hearts of the creatures I slayed were orange. I would like to try the orange fruit.”
Her smile grew a little strained. “Tell me, Garrison. Would you hurt somepony if they tried to hurt you?”
“I don’t really have a reason to. I can just blow them away or fly away now.” I said casually, not really caring for her implications. “I hunt monsters, not people.”
“... Would you be interested in hunting monsters for me?”
“Name a price for each beast and I’ll consider it. I assume I’m to bring you a trophy of my conquest?”
Celestia nodded. “We’ll deal with that task at a later date. For now, let’s alight to the castle for breakfast, shall we?”
“I follow in your wake, Princess.” I replied, checking my pouch of bits. “I assume you also have a barber in the castle?”
“We have a mane stylist with a steady hand.” Celestia said, sounding a little proud.
“I’ve a sharp enough knife to do it myself then. Or have a servant fetch me powder, a brush, and a razor and I could get most of it in a few passes.”
“Do you want to keep any of it?” Celestia asked. “It is a little cold outside.”
“I wouldn’t mind parting with it for now. Hair does grow back after all.” I said, checking out the steely grey locks.
“It does, but you do look rather nice with a beard. Few Stallions manage to pull it off very well.”
“I didn’t mean to look this good, it just happened.” I sighed. “I’m sure you understand the struggle.”
She scoffed. “Please, even Princesses wake up with bed-head.”
There were gasps around the bank as Celestia smiled at me and waved me forward. I joined her and started chatting about the new and exciting things I’d seen earlier, like the grand blue skies, or the pink skies of dawn, or the purple skies of pre-dawn, or the frost that formed early in the morning. Celestia bore my observations with a smile that seemed genuine to me, though she noted that I mostly appreciated the things that moved by themselves and the way things changed over time. She was right, of course, because I’d missed the variety that change provided. I’d missed the random strokes of the world that seemed to make or break a man’s day, and it was all back in the palm of my hand for me to watch unravel. The feeling was swelling and my smile stayed on my face as Celestia took me to go get some chocolates, and then to go get clothes that suited the populace. She said that I didn’t have to give up any of my weapons, but she made me get a long ‘peacoat’ that hid Pamuas and Timothy, as well as my quiver and most of my pouches.
On the plus side, the peacoat was warm and comfortable as well as looking rather dapper, if I do say so myself. However, it wasn’t a cloak, and I like cloaks. I mentioned the lack of a hood on my peacoat to Celestia before she even made me try it on and she wandered off to find me a hat shortly after. I didn’t want a hat, I wanted to hide, but I didn’t mind all that much. Celestia returned with something called a ‘pork-pie’ that was the same color as the peacoat and I bit back my mild irritation in favour of being grateful that Celestia was making me more handsome for free. The worst part of the endeavor was picking a tie, but Celestia decided to get a tie that was the same color as my hair, which turned out to be a shimmery, dark grey that actually looked rather nice. Celestia taught me how to tie it myself , and after I was situated with more replacements for the clothes I was wearing, we were off, though we just strolled the morning away and talked some more, chatting about inconsequential matters when the wind shifted in favour of someone else. I wrested control of my radius back and located the problem standing on a rooftop, looking down at Celestia and I.
While I was being thankful for my hat since it meant that I could avoid letting the would-be assassin know what the problem was, I was drawing the air away from the bowman. “Celestia.”
“Hmm?” She asked, the conversation having lulled.
“Bowman, rooftop, eleven on the clock. I’m subduing him as we speak.” I said softly.
“... And just how are you doing that?” She asked, amused.
“I forget what it’s called, but I do things with Mana or something. It’s cool when I think of new stuff.”
“That tells me exactly nothing. Why are you subduing the fellow on the roof?”
I pointed him out to her and he tried to scurry off when he realized he’d been spotted, but I blew a gust of wind hard enough to carry him off of his feet and made a stream of air carry him closer. When he was directly over us, I took Celestia’s hand and stepped away with her, dropping the fellow on his face. “Heya, Bruv. Whatcha watchin’ us for?”
He struggled to breathe, wild-eyed and shaking like a leave. Celestia sighed. “Garrison, you broke him.”
“Do percussive mechanics work here?”
“Drumming tinkerers?”
“No, the principle of whacking something ‘til it works again.” I elaborated.
Celestia gave me a look before kneeling down next to the fellow, so I walked around so that I could attack him without hitting her if I had to. She cast some sort of spell on the Tom and he started, freezing in place, though breathing heavily. “Tell us who sent you and you will be spared from Tartarus.” Celestia said in a motherly tone, like she was telling him that he was about to get a slap on the wrist.
The fear in his eyes was unmistakable, but he knew what his best shot was. “H-Herodotus…”
The Princess’ face contorted into a perfectly statuesque mask. “I see. As I said, you will be spared from Tartarus.” She turned to face a guard who’d marched up shortly after Celestia cast her spell. “Take him to the Canterlot Dungeon. He’ll be with the next shipment to the Changeling Hives.”
“W-Wait! I-I thought you said I was going to be spared!” The assassin yelled, betrayal written across his face.
“The sentence for treason is a lifetime sentence in either Tartarus or the Changeling Caves. Would you like to choose?” The guard growled.
The Tom started hyperventilating, which was most likely because he couldn’t move as two guards jogged up to drag him away on the first fellow’s orders. When they turned a street corner and left Celestia and I with a few more of her guards, the Princess turned to me with a small smile. “You spotted him but a few moments after my wards reacted to his presence. I must say, Garrison, that your intuition is impeccable.”
I smirked at her. “Why does it sound like you’re humbly bragging?”
That made her laugh. “Well I suppose it would sound that way, wouldn’t it? At least to an observant, cynical Stallion.”
“I just caught an assassin. I’m rather certain that I’m justified in being cynical.” I huffed.
“That brand of cynicism could serve you well as a Ranger, should you choose to pick that as a vocation.”
“You want me to be a Ranger?”
“When did I say that?” Celestia asked, raising a brow.
“Two compliments and a ‘passive’ suggestion from a woman means she wants something from you.” I said flatly. “Hook, line, then sinker.”
She pursed her lips. “... I’m actually rather offended by that.”
I shrugged. “It’s not my fault I’m old. I didn’t die on purpose.”
“... That would explain why your memories are nearly nonexistent, even if you weren’t a full millenium old.” Celestia said slowly.
“Life sucks and then you come back to life and it sucks some more. What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to do something for me, but I don’t want you to feel obligated, Garrison. I’m sure that a Stallion of your skills can accomplish the task, but I don’t want to force you into it.” Celestia said carefully.
“Fuck it. Let’s hear it, Lover.”
She blinked. “Okay then. Guards, head back to the castle.” Celestia said, waving the guards away moments before teleporting me or some shit. I didn’t know what exactly she did, but I knew that it sucked and that I didn’t like it at all, so when we appeared in the sitting room, I immediately found a sofa to lie down on while Celestia said, “Alright, Garrison. I need you to do something for me, and I need you to do it discreetly.”
“I’m not a prostitute. At least, it doesn’t sound like something I’d do.” I said idly.
She shook her head. “Anyway. I need you to go to a country called ‘Minosia’, and I need you to meet with a Tomcock named Kerrick. I’ll have more details for you if you choose to accept the mission, and I promise that you’ll be handsomely rewarded if all goes well.”
“So it’s a suicide mission?”
“It’s definitely possible, just incredibly difficult.” Celestia admitted.
“Then I need a guy and a gal, both good at sneaking, both good with whatever weapons they carry. Preferably a gunner and an archer or Ranger of some kind, just in case we need to make a distraction or disappear quick respectively.” I replied, thinking of all the scenarios Dissida and I had fought through, fighting against different vocations and talents to sharpen our skills.
“...It’s odd that I know exactly the Mare for the job, but I don’t know what you mean by ‘gunner’.
My head pounded and I thought of three letters. “H-I-J…”
“H-I-J? Hi Jay?” Celestia asked.
“Is Jay a name or something?” I asked, my mind aching in my skull.
“... He’s an Artificer. He might know more about ‘gunners’, but I don’t know how your relationship is with him.” She responded hesitantly.
“So I know him?”
“You know Kerrick too, but I doubt that he’s one of the voices in your head.” She said dismissively.
“Oh. Okay. So when do I go to Minosia?”
The Princess thought about it for a second. “... Give me two days to plan the assault with my sister and you’ll leave on the third with your team.”
“Sounds good to me. When do I remeet them?”
“With any luck they’ll be here by nightfall.” Celestia replied pleasantly. “Until then, I should probably get back to attending Court.”
“Not going to explain why you’re not telling me anything as far as my past goes?”
“Would you like an honest answer, or would you like a candy-coated truth?”
“Honest answer, please.”
She nodded. “I shoved you away when we first met because you were too close to somepony I cared about a lot, but now is a chance for me to get rid of you certainly. If you do survive, then you prove your worth. If you fail, then my somepony is safe from you. I win either way.”
I blinked slowly. “I knew you were going to use me and I didn’t care. Still don’t. As long as I get to come back and slay monsters, it’s all good.”
“... You really just want to slay monsters?”
“Killed thirty-four Hellhounds with a big stick and my bare hands. It was fun.”
She smiled. “Okay then. Would you care for tea?”
“I’d be delighted.” I gave her an earnest smile.
What? Who says no to good tea?
₪ღ✮ღ₪
Luna? Bruh, lemme tell you about Luna and her stuck-up ass. So I go to Luna because making my own Rune Cipher is fucking complicated, and I already had an expert of Fraust in my head. However, Lutorah was generally a Luno Family thing, and it just so happened to be one of the more vague RC’s, meaning that you could cast large-scale, broad ranged spells with the runes. Luna was supposed to be the Heir of Lutorah, but some-fuckin’-body lost the Maxdamn Cipher! I was salty as fuck when I found that out, and it was mostly because she had given me the run-around for ten minutes straight while trying not to confess to her dumbassery.
I was hopping on the dawn train back to Ponyville when someone sat next to me out of nowhere, the train having been going for some time now. I didn’t pay them any mind until they nudged me twice. “Psst.”
“Yeah?” I murmured.
The Mare slid a briefcase up against my leg with her hoof. “Grand Duke Grogar sends his regards. He requests an audience at your earliest convenience.”
“... Who is he?” I asked softly.
“One who has sensed your ripples across the Ether. You would do well to heed his call.” She got up and left, leaving the briefcase behind.
I decided not to open it until I got back to my shop since it was still too early in the morning for many things to actually be awake, my little Buttershy included. Things had been going great between us and had been doing so ever since I started bringing some of my work home with me instead of staying at the shop to finish it, but I had a feeling that the happiness would be a distant memory if I ignored this ‘Grogar’ fellow. The name didn’t sound like someone you would root for in a fight if you had half decent morals and no money in the game, but I tried to withhold judgement until I knew what I was dealing with.
The lock to my shop was still unpicked, so I looked around before shifting through the door because I didn’t have my keys on me. Everyone knew I was a ‘Unicorn’ anyway, so it wasn’t actually all that unusual to see me doing magical shit in general. Once I was in the back and away from prying eyes, I set the briefcase on one of my work tables and cracked it open, but I wasn’t fuckin’ expecting to be grabbed by zombies! It freaked me the fuck out when a bunch of rotting hands reached out and started pulling me into the briefcase face first, but there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it. However, I eventually just got dropped on my back. Small mercies and all that since the alternative was being eaten alive. Even if I’m undead, that just sounds unpleasant.
I didn’t see or smell any zombies anywhere, so I sat up and looked around, but everything was black and tan like some shitty beer or something. I mean the majority of the place had obsidian walls and the rest had like, beige-ish stone and banners with the Baphomet symbol on them. It was a little creepy until I heard an old guy cough behind me, thus making it super sketchy as fuck as well. I faced the man I assumed to be Grogar and took in his haggard appearance. He seemed to be on his last legs for an old goat; his coat dingy and a little patchy, one of his eyes a milky white, and his horns chipped and curling. I wasn’t impressed by what I saw, but I was impressed by what I felt. The Goat in front of me was rather powerful, and I could tell that a lot of his power was pitch fuckin’ black just by being in his presence. I had a feeling that I was safe enough since I was just some Thrall, but I did wonder what he wanted.
“Hello, Jameson.” Grogar wheezed. “Welcome to my humble home.”
I looked around at the grand antechamber. Everything echoed for a good few seconds. “Humble is a word you could use, I suppose. Thank you for having me over, though I do wonder why you sent an evil briefcase after me.”
He chuckled at that. “Ah, it’s just a fast method of transportation, my dear friend. Tell me, are you not curious about why I’ve brought you here?”
“I might be a little wonder-filled.” I jested.
Grogar gave me a toothy smile. “The spirits say you want to learn Ultima Umbra. They also say that you’re experimenting with a new Rune Cipher in an attempt to appraise a certain talisman.”
“I’m assuming you can help me with both?”
He just smiled. “If you’re willing to learn from a silly old goat.”
“We’re about to get crazy with Black Magicks, aren’t we?”
“Attentive and inventive! It’ll serve you well while we get started!”
“Can we actually do that like, not now? I kinda have a girlfriend I need to see, and-”
“Oh relax, time is so warped in this place that you could study under me for a decade and still not learn a single percent of all I have to teach you! And, if you’re willing to sacrifice a pesky little part of your Anima to some sketchy beings for power beyond your wildest dreams, I can teach you how to do this,” He raised his hands and snapped his fingers, the lights winking out of the room before a second snap happened and Grogar appear before young and hearty, “on a whim. Age will mean nothing to you, my Pupil. All I need from you is one little thing.”
“My undying loyalty?” I asked blandly.
He rolled his eyes. “No, I need you to finish that little Rune Cipher of yours and build me a Rune Circle when you have it done. It has to contain the entire alphabet of your cipher and it has to be a pentagon, otherwise you’ll start going crazy with your polygons before you learn the ins and outs of your cipher.”
“So you want me to not be a complete idiot. Gotcha.” I nodded.
“Fantastic! Ah, it’s been so long since one of our kind has come to be that I was beginning to worry that I was going to have to take a Wyrm as an Apprentice!”
“What do you mean by people like us?”
“People with their Mana in their hearts, my Pupil. We are a rare breed, and even rarer are those of us who blur the lines between the Holy and Unholy so well. You, my friend, are my kind of evil.”
“Yeah, but like, I’m not all that evil in the first place, my man. Like, I kill dudes and all, but it’s not like that’s super evil in context.”
“Out of context you’re just a horrible person to most Ponies.” Grogar scoffed. “To me, you’re a man of action; one who takes his destiny into his own hands! The way you’re playing with your own Fate by pioneering a new Rune Cipher is simply too good to pass up! You must be my successor!”
“Grand Duke, right?” I asked. “I don’t really want to be a Grand Duke, but I’ll totally carry on your legacy as your student for the magical stuff.”
Grogar blinked at me. “... You don’t want to rule Moudar?”
“Never heard of it.”
“Of course not,” He scoffed, “it’d be too simple for you to have any experience in Tartarus. No, Moudar is the richest territory in Tartarus. We rule the Satyrs, Centaurs, and when we have steak night, the Cyclops’.”
“Why is Moudar the richest country?”
“Smuggling and Necromancy-based slavery!” Grogar said proudly.
“Nice.” I complimented. “Y’know, I was working on starting a Coven in Equestria… Wouldn’t hurt to have my attentive, inventive Master on retainer for organizational matter, would it?” I wiggled my brows at him.
Grogar pursed his lips. “Hmm.. If you want undead that have autonomy, start making Revenants.”
“Kinda stuck on the Vampire thing, to be honest with you.”
He stroked his beard and gave me a scrutinous look, making me wary of his words to follow. “You know, my Pupil, Vampires have a place here in Tartarus. They’re often held in high esteem.”
“If I go full-blooded, then I’ll probably get put down.”
“As I’m well aware. That’s not what my suggestion was. My suggestion was to somehow connect you to my lineage and have you speak with Nytemaire, the Archduchess of The Black Waste. She would owe you at least five minutes, seeing as how you were made a Thrall while unconscious.”
“How’d you know that I was out cold when I was made into a Thrall?”
“I’m old, Jameson. Very old.”
“Fair enough.” I nodded. “So where do we start in the grand scheme of Black Magic and mayhem?”
“I believe we start with coffee, then we put our heads together to get your Rune Cipher completed. How does that sound?” He asked pleasantly.
“Bitchin’. Let’s get to work, Teach.”
“Ah, if you are to be under my tutelage, you are to address me as Master or Teacher. There will be no debate.”
“Yes Massa’, sorry Massa’.”
“I feel like you’re referencing something, but I don’t know what it is.”
“Wasn’t a reference or anything, just some words.”
“I have a feeling that I just picked someone fun to teach.” Grogar smiled. “Let’s get some coffee, shall we?”
“Following you, Teacher.”
