The Moment No Pony was Waiting For (A Death Battle Parody)

by TundraStanza

But Hey, That's Just A Battle... A Death Battle!

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Okay, admittedly this is a bit of a stretch. But since one of the combatants doesn't actually sing in their platform, I didn't think it would be right to match him up against Mr. Presley.
Properties in this chapter belong to Hasbro, ScrewAttack, and "Game Theorists".
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Mic check! Test, test, is this thing on?

Celebrities, internet personalities, and face-to-face charisma... where does the line get drawn between facade and reality? For some, it's as simple as what goes on camera and what doesn't. For others, it's a little fuzzier.

For reasons only known to us, this match up is between a couple individuals that say one thing when they know they're being watched, yet somehow cause people to rage against each other with a few well-placed words.

Gladmane, the pony phenomenon of Las Pegasus.

And MatPat, the video game/film theorist of America. He's W and I'm B.

And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Gladmane
-Species: Earth pony
-Has a visage similar to Elvis Presley
-Presumably single
-Appreciates giant golden statues of himself
-In charge of many of the acts in Las Pegasus (a semi-kid-friendly version of Las Vegas)
-Often gets actor duos arguing against each other to prevent himself from losing any diplomatic power
-Can see through disguises
-Can't tell when another pony's hoof is against the speaker button until after it gets pointed out

A door opens in the background.

Hold up! What are you doing here? This is a match between actual characters.

Maybe, but W mentioned that it's difficult to draw the line between actor and real person. We're not going to leave this battle to chance.

Uh... okay then. Say hi to N, everyone!

We only have the information given to us by one episode, but that's usually enough to start a small informative speech about any character. Gladmane is an obvious reference to Elvis Presley, the historical "King of Rock".

But his flashy outfit and excessive hair gel are about where the similarities end. Instead of writing songs about being in the military or about dancing in prison, this pony is charged as the manager of entertainment in Las Pegasus. Wait a minute, if the name is a reference to Las Vegas, then why are so many of the attractions something I'd find in a pizza-themed arcade or an amusement park?

I'm sure there are plenty of new ideas being written about that very concept as we speak, B. Back to Gladmane himself, he was very proud of his position and ownership of practically every act that passed through Las Pegasus. Animal-training duos, acrobatic magicians... he even oversaw the employment of con-artists Flim and Flam after their last departure from Ponyville.

As it turns out, he wasn't exactly altruistic. In fact, he was kind of scared of any two ponies that really worked together while they were in the city. Apparently, cooperation is such a strong force in Equestria that two heads could take ownership of the city straight out of Gladmane's hooves. So, how did he deal with this threat to his good name? Did he form business partnerships and make sure he owned 51 percent of the shares?

One, partnerships don't carry stock. That's corporations. Two, Gladmane did not do that. Instead, he talked behind these duos' backs and convinced each individual that they were somehow making life harder for the other half. This, in turn made sure that no one would be smart enough to rise against him.

I think that kind of plan would quickly fall apart if any of the duos, oh I don't know, talked to the other person/pony. I mean, we wouldn't have much of an episode to dissect, but there's got to be some room for common sense somewhere.

And that's about when the Friendship Castle's map brought Applejack and Fluttershy in. While their personalities don't really match the atmosphere of Las Pegasus, their combined traits of truth-seeking and kind understanding helped figure out the best solution.

Convince the con artists to regroup and trick Mr. Elvis Impersonator to reveal his plan over the overhead speaker. ... Something doesn't sound quite right about that plan. Like, what's stopping the con artists from rolling in after Gladmane flees out of shame?

Well...

Applejack covers her head as a crowd rushes to where the Flim Flam brothers are guiding everyone. "Flim and Flam!"

... nothing stopped them.

Oh, yeah. So, there must be something I'm missing about Gladmane's charismatic side. I mean, he had to have rolled a ridiculously high persuasion check to convince long-time friends to fight against each other without even questioning his words.

How do you know role-playing terminology?

What? I've played Fallout games before. The sarcastic talk bubbles are sometimes just as fun as shooting everyone in the face.

O...kay then.

"I like the folks that come here to have a unique experience. Uh-huh-huh."

MatPat
-Full name: Matthew Robert Patrick
-Internet personality, writer, actor, and producer
-Education from Duke University
-Married to Stephanie
-Famous for "theory" video series "Game Theory" and "Film Theory", focusing mostly on video games and movies respectively
-Has other theater experience; had to pay to participate as an actor(?)
-10M+ subscribers on YouTube
-Has gotten caught in various internet wars between rabid supporters, people that point out holes in his "theories", and some negative comments; has a tendency to get defensive and call out "haters"
-Addiction: Diet Coke

For as long as military computers were reprogrammed to play simple pong, a niche of people has been fascinated with what goes on behind the video game.

Enter MatPat, a giant among video game theorists and a few original web series.

Born as Matthew Robert Patrick, he studied at Duke University and attempted to start out his career in acting, uploading videos as early as 2009. It didn't pan out quite like he thought it would.

By the way, you guys can call me F in case you forgot who I was.

Sure. After a few years, he started putting his thoughts and ideas about video games onto the YouTube platform. While he calls his primary web series Game Theory, the ideas and inferences are not really testable in real life. At best, these can technically be called hypotheses.

A Game Hypothesis! ... Ow, that doesn't roll off the tongue quite as nicely.

Over time, some of his fans forgot that the actual game theory was about a dilemma regarding how partners in crime react when separated and offered a complicated deal to potentially reduce their sentences if and only if both remain silent. Through the few years, MatPat has covered ideas behind the machinations of several video games, ranging from the Elder Scrolls to Mario and from Five Nights at Freddy's to Bendy and the Ink Machine.

Whether any of that information is true or not, he has managed to garner over ten million subscribers. Ten million! That's got to be about how many people are in the world, right?

Not quite, F. Earth's total population is currently estimated to be over 7.5 billion people. To put it in perspective, MatPat's subscriber count isn't even close to one percent of that population.

Well, *ess*. Way to be a hater, W.

What? I'm not being a hater. I'm just pointing out a simple fact.

Try telling that to MatPat. Every comment or video out there that points out the holes in his arguments or simply says they don't particularly care for his content gets instantly labeled as a "hater" in his eyes.

Yes... well... the criticism isn't without some basis of constructive insight. For example, one of MatPat's formulas regarding Wario calculated that the fat, garlic-lover somehow reached a height of 10 feet. Considering stories estimated that the real-life giant Goliath was barely over 9 feet tall, that should have at least raised some alarm bells prior to publishing the video. Notice how Wario in many iterations barely stands over Mario's official height of 5'11''.

And in another video, he somehow came to the conclusion that Sans and Papyrus are the two halves of mystery character W.D. Gaster, even though he also said that this Gaster fellow somehow talked to Sans prior to being split apart. It's tough to defend your position on data that only exists in the software universe. He should know better than to assume things are true and then get mad when somebody else has the nerve to think ever so slightly differently from himself.

Still, he has enough charisma to convince people that there's something worth continuing to watch on his channel, and even carry over to his other channels that involve film hypotheses and live recordings. He also managed to marry.

But if there's one thing he can't get away from even worse than the FNAF demands from kids on YouTube that lie about being over 18, it's his addiction to Diet Coke.

*Something fizzy pops.*

Um... why did you open a beer can?

No reason.

"Do an Aileron roll!"

Alright, the combatants are set.

Let's settle this debate once and for all.

It's time...

... for a Death Battle!

Lights flash. Bells and whistles ring and blow respectively. Drink glasses chime against each other at various tables. It seems our cameras are taking footage of the insides of a casino complex. There are several attendees here, wearing business suits and other formal attire. However, there are some gaudy outfits that blind any viewers unlucky enough to stare for too long.

One semi-circle of guests is at the end of their applause for the most recent act. A black-maned pony and a blue-haired woman take a bow before turning around and walking backstage.

A baritone voice over a loudspeaker hollers, "Coloratura and Azura, everybody! Uh-huh-huh!"

The image zooms in through the curtains and we can see some smaller rooms. Most of them have names written on large, golden stars attached to the door. On one such door, there is a picture of a green trophy surrounded by a circle cut in quarters. Inside of this room, there is what sounds like the laughter of a happy couple.

"Hang on, I have to use the bathroom." The young lady stands up.

"You going to dive out like Papyrus?" The man smiles.

"Oh yeah, let me just jump out the nonexistent window in this guest room."

They both laugh at the inside joke. The woman gently opens the door before walking up the hallway. The guy sighs as he adjusts his long tie again. He finally manages to get the knot done adequately before the door opens again.

"That was qui-" He turns around. "Oh! You're not Steph."

"Sorry to disappoint, Mr... Matthew, was it?" A stallion in rather flashy attire and quote, unquote "suave" hair, walks in. "But I couldn't stop the Mrs. from... examining my fine merchandise, if you know what I'm saying."

Allegedly, Matthew loses his cheerful demeanor and turns serious. "What."

"Now, Mr. Pat, you must understand, I did my utmost to shrug her off. Truly, I did." The stallion holds a hoof up to his forehead to perform a mockery of a faint. "But you of all people know how strong her natural instincts are, don't you?"

Five fingers clench into a fist. "I'd like to share a new theory I just came up with. It's called, 'A Horse is a Horse, Except When It's Lying of Course!' "

The imagery switches to an animation in the style of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Chibi-MatPat runs over and delivers three punches, two right jabs and a left hook, to the 2D sprite of Gladmane. Naturally, Gladmane flinches at the 8-bit impacts. Gladmane holds up his hooves defensively against the next punching round. After that, he turns around shakes his knees sporadically before swinging them into a spin-kick.

Given the stallion's approximate height, his hooves end up hitting MatPat right in the groin. The animation switches to a sort of 3D effect to capture actual MatPat's expression of pain. He can barely voice his current anguish and holds a hand over that area. He attempts to punch out with his remaining hand. That fist ends up slamming against an incoming hoof.

Both combatants shake their respective limbs to try and cool them off. Gladmane makes a break for the door and slams it behind himself. At this time, Stephanie returns from the other end of the hall.

"What's going on?" she asks.

"Oh, uh... nothing at all." Gladmane steps out of the way. "Please, go right on in."

She blinks and raises her brow. "Okay... weird pony/man." She lifts a hand to the doorknob.

Unfortunately, this is about the time the door slams open. From the looks of things, a slightly red-faced MatPat is holding his foot up in a karate kick pose. But an instant after the door is kicked open, Stephanie lets out a yelp. MatPat gasps in horror when he sees the woman being crushed between the open door and the wall behind it.

"Why, Mr. Patrick, how could you be so heartless?" asks Gladmane while straightening out his mane. "Kicking a door open like that without checking if someone is on the other side."

"But I didn't- that wasn't- I..." MatPat stammers for a response from within the milkshake of emotions.

Stephanie manages to push the door off of her. She ends up running down the hall away from both of them. MatPat steps in that direction while holding out his arms in desperation. But she is already way too far away for it to matter. He grunts and looks back at the stallion.

"Look what you made me do!" His reached out arm now ends in an index finger.

"My dear boy, I didn't make you do anything of the sort." The stallion massages his hoof. "Or did you forget that you threw the first punch in this little squabble?"

"You...You... frigging hater!" MatPat runs over and tries his wide punches again.

Gladmane manages to back up enough to avoid each of the swings. "I'm pretty sure the only one spouting such toxic tones of voice is yourself-uh, thank you very much."

"Hater, hater, hater, hater, hater!" MatPat's punches get more rapid and desperate.

The last punch ends up in an uppercut in the style of a Shoryuken. This sends Gladmane sliding back a little ways on his hooves. After a few seconds, the stallion lowers his head back to his usual eye level. He wipes his recently punched face and catches the sight of a small trickle of blood.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Gladmane asks. "Better yet, does she know what awful things you do with your hands on your down time?"

"You leave my mother out of this!" MatPat runs forward intent on busting more than just a lip this time.

However, just as he gets within striking distance, Gladmane lifts his front hooves and stomps down hard. An X-ray visual shows the bones in MatPat's toes cracking in a few places. Back to regular vision, MatPat drops to a sitting position while grabbing his foot with both hands. He yells before hissing through his teeth. This goes on for about three repetitions.

"If any-creature asks, this was self-defense."

Gladmane's remark is followed by a swift, hind leg kick to MatPat's head. The man collapses onto the floor, completely horizontal. There's a shout of dismay. Stephanie comes running back and leans down next to her spouse. After a quick check for vital signs, she slowly stands up. Her hair covering her face makes it difficult to tell what her mood is.

"Serves him right for hurting you like that earlier," says Gladmane, "wouldn't you ag-"

His eyes shrink as the woman's fist suddenly appears much larger than it conceivably should be. A Japanese kanji symbol appears, filling up the screen and essentially censoring whatever makes a slamming sound, followed by a huge splash of red. All that are visible of Gladmane after that are his hooves and his outfit.

Stephanie picks up MatPat's body and slowly walks out of the scene.

I'm sorry. What the hell just happened?

Yeah, I was about to ask that same thing.

Well, I'm trying to wrap my head around all of the events and how they correspond to our data. From what we've gathered, neither Gladmane nor MatPat are all that grand in the actual fighting department.

Best-case scenario, we can give them full knowledge of the typical flailing tactics of people that have never taken a martial arts class in their lives. Mat might be able to act the part of whatever role he plays in theater, but that choreography doesn't always translate well to real, life-or-death situations like a Death Battle simulation.

What Gladmane does have going for him is that his emotional facade is slightly harder to remove than MatPat's emotional state in general. But, MatPat does technically have the intelligence advantage in how many fields he has been willing to take a look at, albeit most of them being passing glances at certain subjects.

So... what you're telling me is that neither one can really fight to the death when push comes to shove.

But apparently that doesn't apply to his wife? Doesn't she have a little too much hair to be the next Saitama?

Never underestimate a woman's intuition. Ever. N's slit eyes narrow while looking at the other hosts.

Uh... noted.

Yeah, crystal clear. *gulp* I guess the, um... findings were inconclusive, but they were glad that they mane.

Really? That's your combination pun for this fight?

Cut me some slack! I'm being stared down by a...a...

Yes? Stared down by a what?

Mm...

*Ahem* I guess the winner is... Stephanie.