Scrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...
Hello? Testing... Hmm. The light on the side is glowing. Does that mean it's on?
It worked! I can hear my voice! But it's still small enough to fit in my saddlebags. That's impressive...
Umm... I should probably start this officially, shouldn't I? Ahem. My name is Matryona, and I'm a pegasus in Nimble Step's Traveling Performance and Dance Troupe. Right now, it is 965 A.B., and we're here in Ironridge - the Ironridge! - for their world technology expo! I bought this recording machine at a vendor here in Sosa, and thought I would make an audio log of my trip as a souvenir. So... that makes this entry one.
There is so much to talk about. Sosa is supposed to be a factory, at least according to what I've heard. But there are wide streets and hanging banners and courtyards that have been turned into parade grounds. Everything is bright and colorful, and I think the gray and brown buildings make it stand out even more. There are also more ponies than I know what to do with. I'm glad I'm tall, so I can see over the other ponies' heads. I don't want to think about how easy it would be to get lost otherwise. I'm still learning my way around as it is, and haven't even left this small corner of one factory. It's a pity. There's so much to explore, but my troupe has a dance performance in an hour and if I get lost now, I might not be able to find my way back in time.
I mentioned that I'm a dancer, didn't I? I wonder how many ponies will come to watch us and see me. I have so many moves I've been working hard on for this event. My favorite, I like to call the 'grace slide'. It's where I move across the stage without appearing to move my wings or my legs. It looks like I'm gliding! I love it. But Nimble is especially fond of my 'wreath twirl'. In that one, I hold my wings in a corkscrew, touch my forehooves, look straight up, and spin around and around on one hind leg, with my tail spinning around me like a ribbon. I'm good enough to do it indefinitely, though spinning for more than a minute makes me dizzy. I like moves where I can keep my eyes on the audience and enjoy their reactions. There's no feeling quite like being physically appreciated... says me, who has never had a coltfriend. Maybe that's why I enjoy the attention.
Oh! Here I am, rambling about my dance moves... I can dance any time I want. I should be talking about Ironridge, or experiencing it so I have things to talk about later! Okay. I'm going to wrap up entry one, and then go enjoy the city. I'll find something to do for forty-five minutes, spend fifteen making entry two about that, and then go to my performance and then make entry three about that. And with that... Matryona out!
Oh!...
Oh my, I don't... I don't even know where to begin! I'm sorry I didn't make entry two when I said I would, but I got carried away and the show started and I should go back and start at the beginning but I got kissed by a stallion and I think my heart might explode! You can't see it, but my eyes are wet right now. I'm smiling so hard my face and chest hurt and I feel like I need to scream, only happily, but I flew up to a roof to make this and I think ponies might get worried by a mare screaming on the roof.
Okay. Entry two, I can do this. I, Matryona, am in Ironridge, and I think a stallion just fell in love with me.
I saw him watching our performance. He was in the VIP box, with a black coat and a red suit and mane that made me hnnnnngghh... And he was so well-groomed, and when he watched us I always noted his eyes were on me, and he winked at me once when I made eye contact! I knew he was important from where he sat, but Ironridge has been so full of wonders already that it's already like I'm living a fairy tale and so I went to look for him after the performance, and he was looking for me!
His name is Mobius. Mobius... ahhh... He is one of the three most important stallions in Ironridge, the factory chiefs of Sosa, and he took an interest in me! He bought me lunch in a reserved area, and told me about the city and the convention and even teased me about my love life! He told me I was beautiful, and... and... Oh my...
Okay! Where was I? I had lunch with a Sosan leader, and he loved me, and didn't even care that I was too overwhelmed to do much but laugh, blush and smile. I don't know what to do with this except enjoy it and go along as far as it will take me! Looking at all the ponies in this courtyard, I wonder if they're as giddy as I am. I want to hop down there and spin through the streets and sing a song, but I'm a big pony, so I might knock someone over. But they look like they're enjoying themselves. I'm somewhere far past enjoying myself. Ironridge isn't just wonderful, it's magical.
Right. This is an audio log, so let me tell you some of the things Mobius told me. This is a secret to everyone, he said: tonight, at sundown, the Sosans are going to unveil the completion of a very special new thing! They've made a ship, only an airship, that can sail the sea and the sky, and it can be mass-produced with just as much quality as Sosan water boats! Everything that can fly now are balloons and experiments, but they think their design can reach Yakyakistan from here! That's amazing. My troupe went to Yakyakistan before here, and the trip involves going far north through Varsidel, then taking a boat and sailing all the way down the eastern coast, and then inland for hundreds of miles up the Yule.
And they're finished! They're going to show it to everyone at sundown tonight! Everything in Ironridge is about the future. All the ponies in the crowds, and the off-duty workers and engineers and everyone, I can feel their optimism from here, and... everyone is going to get to see it. From what Mobius told me, Ironridge is going to change how travel works forever. I told him I wouldn't miss it for the world.
He told me he would miss it for me.
I think my heart stopped. He had to repeat himself, clarify, and touch my wings and my ears to snap me out of it. And he meant what I thought he meant! Me and him, tonight, somewhere as private as could be. Is it as a show of how much I mean to him? I don't know. I can't think! I'm almost hyperventilating again trying to comprehend that this is happening! He loves me... He loves me, and he's practically a prince. I'm just a young adult pegasus from nowhere important with a talent in grace and beauty. This shouldn't be true, but it's everything I've ever dreamed of. He's swept me off my hooves, and... perhaps Ironridge is a place where wishes come true.
I'll see you there tonight, my love. I wouldn't miss you for the world.
Sniff...
I've been... crying for over an hour. I think. I didn't record it. I don't know why I'm recording this. Any of this. I don't want to remember it. I don't want to remember it at all...
I'm in h-his office. On his desk. I don't think I've moved since he left. I can hear screaming in my ears, but I think that's my emotions and my head. Because he... he left me.
It started off so right. I met him, he led me here, we talked. Dirty. He nibbled my ears and my cheek and my chin and neck and belly and things heated up from there, and there was nothing in the world but the two of us, and... and...
Right in the middle, another stallion came in. He said we were going to be alone. And this interrupting stallion walked right over to the two of us together, dropped a note for him to read, and left without a word. He took one look, got off me, said "Something came up," and left me here. Three little words. Three words that weren't even "I love you." I couldn't read his tone, which meant he probably wasn't even thinking about me. Hic...
I don't know what happened. Did I misunderstand everything he said to me? He cared about me! He had to! He was interested! Nothing can come between true love, right? Not in a fairy tale. And for us to meet like that, that's what this is. It has to be. I'm so confused...
But I don't think he's coming back. At some point, I need to take care of myself. I need to get off this desk, get a shower, get back to the ship where my troupe is staying... Maybe I need to talk to someone I've known longer than an afternoon. Maybe I should have done that in the first place.
Somehow, I feel even worse.
I found out what happened to Mobius. I listened to my recordings over and over, and those screams I heard must have been real. I found out that the airship he told me about... Sosa's Project Aslan... crashed when they tried to launch it. They said everyone on board died. I feel like nothing, trying to think about it. Empty. I think I've cried all I'll ever be able to, by now.
You might be able to hear the sound of waves in the background. That's because we're at sea, now. We left the Yule yesterday morning. We left Ironridge the morning after the crash. Nobody wanted to continue the festival after that happened. When I was finding my way back, I saw ponies looking dazed, clueless... Sosans were hugging each other and sitting against buildings in the streets, and foreigners were muttering and carrying bags and getting what they could before getting out.
I didn't see Mobius before I left. I didn't realize we were leaving until I woke up, and we were already on our way... and now I don't even know what he thinks. I thought he abandoned me; that he left me alone without saying goodbye. But a tragedy like this is more important than me. I have to understand that. He was just... looking out for his subjects. But that means I was the one who abandoned him, right after getting a lesson in just how terrible that feels...
I hate myself for it. It's hard to get up. Fortunately, it's a small boat, so it's not like I'm missing anything by staying in bed.
As far as I can see, there's only one thing for me to do: Ironridge entered my life out of nowhere, and now it's leaving like it never happened. I need to just... forget about it all, or pretend it was a dream. It feels dreamlike enough. The one thing I got out of it was this audio log.
So... this is going to be my last entry. The end. I'm going to keep dancing, live on with my life, and keep waiting for true love... even if that's a fairy tale. Maybe I'll find something that's real, and better.
Good bye, Ironridge. Matryona, signing off.
Hello again, audio log. It's me, Matryona. I haven't opened you in a while. I hope you still work, because I need someone to talk to, and no living pony will do.
I know I said this log was ended, and I'd never open it again. I said I would leave it as the only thing I ever got out of Ironridge, good or bad... but that's not true any more, so I suppose this is fitting.
Let me start from the beginning. We're back in Varsidel. In Ralianth, specifically, the easternmost city that isn't a costal port. It's been... not long since Ironridge. I think the other members of the troupe have all put it behind them. We're working new gigs, performing at a fashion house and an upscale restaurant and bar, and for politicians at an invitational event. My troupe's name is a good one, after all. But for the last few weeks, I've been feeling on and off nauseous, especially when I try to perform my special wreath twirl. One time, I got so woozy I had to break off after three turns and improvise a landing. Another, I lost my balance after just one and a half, which was fortunately during practice. I told Nimble I felt sick, and he gave me the day off, but that doesn't help when I feel like this every other day.
So I went to a doctor, off the record and using my own saved money, and they found out... they told me... I'm pregnant. I'm carrying a foal. Early along, but they're sure of it.
I don't know how to break this to my troupe. I don't think I can. Nimble is a fair boss, but this would cost me my job for certain. If I can't dance properly now, what will I do once my foal grows and my center of gravity changes? And ponies always praise my slim, stately figure. Who would want to see a fat, pregnant pegasus dance, even if I could?
I don't know what to do. I have more than just myself to take care of, now, and am about to lose my way of doing it. I wish I could cry, right here and now, but I still am burnt out on that after Ironridge. But, my beautiful foal... I'll find some way to care for you. Please, let me find some way to provide...
Hello again, audio log. It's been a while, but I have a major decision to make, and I want... well, I need to talk it over. And record my reasoning, as well. Some day, maybe, my foal will listen to this, if they ever want to know why they were born into whatever circumstances they were... so I feel they have a right to know this. Hello, my beautiful foal. This is a message for you.
My troupe wants to relocate. We would be traveling southwest, to Zanguel, a city at the southern edge of Varsidel's habitable land. Beyond it is nothing but desert, broken rocks, and jungle badland until Ironridge in the far south. They have an offer there that would pay very well. So far, I've stayed with them and forced myself to keep dancing, and I could go with them to Zanguel, too.
This is my plan, my foal. I want to get us back to Ironridge. I want to find Mobius again. Maybe somehow, I can convince him to forgive me, and he will take care of us and help me raise you for the life you deserve. I've been working hard and saving every bit of my money, trying to get enough to buy passage on a boat to Ironridge... but I'm not there yet. I could leave my troupe, stay here near the coast, and try to find somewhere cheap to live and a job to work, but I've been looking and simply don't know what I can find. I'd be on my own for the first time in truly ever, and am afraid of my ability to take care of even myself, let alone you once you're born. Right now, I can stay with the troupe for housing and work, but...
I can also go with them. I would have a place to stay for a little while longer, at least, and if I can keep dancing, I might make enough money to afford the boat back to Ironridge. But that's a huge risk. I can feel you pressing on me and growing bigger, and can already see the weight gain when I look carefully. I haven't told the troupe, yet, but I won't be able to hide you from them for long... and if I go south, I will need even more money to make the trip back to a port city to take the boat. That said, I know nothing about Zanguel and how easy or hard it will be to get housing and a job... or how fast my troupe's generosity will wear out once it becomes clear I'm planning on leaving them and just trying to hold out as long as I can before.
I love you, my foal. Know that everything I do is done for you, now. All I want is for you to grow up happy and safe.
I made my decision, my foal. I'm in Zanguel now. I didn't know what would be here, but knew our chances in Ralianth were slim... slimmer than I am, now.
Maybe you'd like to hear what the city looks like...? It isn't quite a desert, but could become one in several decades, I think. There are a lot of buildings made from slabs of quarried red stone, with straight streets and lots of walls. I think the city's streets would form a pattern, if I flew high enough to see them all at once. There are lots of high towers, mostly square, and on the rocky horizon you can see geological structures and sometimes sandstorms racing past in the distance. Most of the desert is to the north, though. To the south, things get greener, but also more broken and harder to build on. I imagine it's like that all the way to Ironridge. What a shame we don't have airships. As the pegasus flies, it's probably quite close...
I know what you're thinking. I've thought about it, and they say it's a feat that teams of endurance fliers perform for bragging rights. If I could, I'd fly you to Ironridge in a heartbeat, my little foal.
We had our first performance at the new venue tonight. I almost threw up in the back room, preparing to go on stage. Nimble made me sit the performance out. I have less than half of a boat ticket saved up and need to eat for both of us, and now I'm far from the coast, too...
I hope I haven't made a mistake, my foal. If I have, it should be me that pays for it, not you.
Everyone knows, and they haven't said anything yet. But I can see them looking at you when I walk past, my foal. Nimble coughs awkwardly when I'm around, like he isn't sure how to breach the subject. I haven't made any performances for a week. Some of the performers looks sorry for me, and others resentful, though I can't imagine why. But I couldn't take it anymore. Today was my last day. I'm living on my own now, in a cheap studio apartment at the top of a tower where flying is the only way in or out. I think that should be against regulation, but it doesn't cost much, and I don't have much to pay. At least I can still fly easily with you.
I'm still looking for a new job. If I can't find one, my savings will last maybe three months, including rent and food, and then I'll be stuck here. I'm sorry, my beautiful foal. I wish I could be better for you.
I found a job at last. They have me flying up and down, carrying a bucket of water and a sponge to wash the outsides of tower windows. Apparently they get grimy, since even though Zanguel doesn't get real sandstorms, the wind blows in enough dust sometimes for the windows to need frequent cleaning.
It's a hard job. Some windows feel like they haven't been cleaned in years, and I have to scrub over and over to make them look decent. Other windows have no glass to be cleaned, since glass seems to be a commodity here. And then there are ponies behind the windows who won't realize I'm being paid to improve their view, and will yell at me to leave and stop spying. One even made a lewd remark and invited me in, and I left as fast as I could. He didn't seem classy or respectable at all.
The weather is hot all the time, and any windows that aren't in the shade are so warm I can see the water steaming off them when I rub, and they're dry by the time I fetch a new bucket. I get paid by the hour, so long as I clean a minimum number of windows during each, and can work at my own pace, but I did some calculations and need to work at least five hours a day just to break even with my rent. If I stayed on my wings for ten hours, each day and every day, I think I'd make enough to afford the boat ticket by the time you were born, but not counting travel to the coast or the time it would take to actually reach Ironridge. I've been at this for a week now, and only managed ten hours once. I'm sorry, my foal. I don't think I can do it...
Hello again, my foal. It's been a few months now, and I still have my job. Things aren't going well, but they aren't going poorly, either.
I've given up on affording a ticket to Ironridge, at least without a miracle. I realized I was going to work myself into the ground, especially as you grow and I have less and less energy. So I rationed my money, balanced my budget, and have been eating as well as possible. I bought a new bed and paid for it to be delivered to my apartment so I could get as restful of sleep as possible. I've been taking care of us as well as I can, and am still managing to stay on my wings and work for six hours per day, flying buckets and sponges up and down and scrubbing away.
I barely have money to spare. I've been saving every last bit, but I'm not even back to the amount I had when I quit the troupe. They aren't in Zanguel any more; they moved on to perform elsewhere. I don't know how I'm going to work and take care of you once you're born. I might have to hire a sitter, and hope I'll be strong enough then to work ten hours a day to pay them as well... or maybe return to dancing as a solo career. I tried out my old moves today, just for fun, and while I'm past being nauseous every day, you're big enough now that they just don't work. I'm also out of practice.
I won't give up on you, my foal. Our lives might look like this for a while after you're born, but I think we'll at least be able to have them.
I'm losing track of time, my foal. All I know is that you're getting bigger, I finally broke even with the amount of money I had leaving the troupe, and I've somehow managed to increase my working to seven hours a day.
You probably don't notice, but our lives are the same, day after day after day. I wake up, eat as hearty of a breakfast as I can handle, and go to work, where ponies stare and shake their heads and wonder how I do it. And then we fly up and down for hours, you and me, washing windows. I don't get tired any more, so long as I respect my limits and take care of myself. I have all the aches and pains I expected to, but my wings keep going. This must be good exercise, working like this every day... and if I can be honest with you, I'm starting to enjoy it.
I need something in my life to enjoy. I have you, and my routine. And it turns out, something I never noticed when I was with the troupe, or in Ironridge... the less that happens around you, the easier it is to enjoy the simple things. I make a game of diving, ascending and gliding, sometimes spiraling down around the towers like it's a dance. Sometimes you'll kick while we're up there, and I'll wonder if you're a pegasus, flapping your little wings along with mine.
I still haven't taken another visit to the doctor to get you looked at. I feel like I'm in good health, and know it would be expensive. I don't know when you'll come, but I bet it won't be too long. One way or another, I'll be ready to greet you with a smile when you do.
...I lost my job.
I'm so sorry! I-I'm sorry, I... They let me go... My m-manager approached me after a shift, and said it was a safety regulation, that I couldn't be doing this work this close to having a foal. I didn't think they cared about that, since they let me do the job in the first place! And n-now...
The manager gave me one week's pay as a severance package, since I had been a good employee. There was no promise of having my job back after you were born. I don't know what to do, my foal. I have enough money for us to live like this for one and a half... maybe two months. I don't know how far along you are, or if you'll come by then, and if I go to a doctor to check, then I'll have enough for half a month at best.
I'm sorry. I should have focused more on the future! Maybe I should have eaten less to save money, or...
No. Never. I can't think that. I'm sorry. I'll find something we can do. I won't let you down. I promise.
...Let's go for a flight so I can clear my mind, hmm? Pretend we're working, but just glide. Maybe it will be relaxing. I'm not sure what else to do with our time.
Hello, my little foal. You're snug inside me, still, so let me tell you what I see.
I'm sitting on the roof of the highest building in Zanguel right now, looking south. I just listened to all my recordings, three times in a row. Remember when I wondered what the city's streets would look like from far enough above? I flew up just now to check. It was beautiful. It's funny how beauty is easiest to see when you can't afford to feel beautiful yourself.
Let me tell you my new plan.
To the south, I see rocks, crags, and trees that grow more lush as the miles go on. I see patches of sand intermixed with patches of dead and living green, and it stretches endlessly toward the horizon. I know what's out there: Ironridge. It's unreachable, and is both the best and the worst thing to ever happen to me. To you, it's the reason for your existence.
It's a journey teams of endurance fliers undergo to challenge themselves and earn bragging rights. To us, it's like the road to a promised land. If we could get there... we could find Mobius. He would take care of us. Ironridge was a city of plenty, and one disaster couldn't erase all that.
But money has failed us. There's nothing I can do to earn enough for a ticket there, not in the time you and I have left. But what hasn't failed... are my wings.
My foal... I love you. I don't know if I can do this. But I don't know what I can do if I stay here, either. What kind of work can be done by a single new mother who's not far out of her teens? Right now, I'm in the best shape of my life. I've been flying seven hours a day, lifting heavy buckets and working in blinding sunlight. I have enough money to buy provisions I could carry, if I emptied everything I have. And we'd mostly be gliding, which is easier than gaining height. I'm not a professional, but I think I am an endurance flier. And right now, I'm running out of other choices.
If I can't make it, we would die out there. If I can't make it in the city, we might die here. But I want to make it. I want us to survive, so you can live the best life possible... Ahhh...
My foal, if you can hear me; if you want me to trust in us and try to make the flight...
Ooh! That was a sharp kick. You trust in your mother. I understand. Mmm-wah. There. Now, the moon is rising, so let's get home to bed, and then tomorrow we'll buy what we need and set out before the sun gets too high in the sky.
I'm doing this for both of us, my little foal, but especially you. I love you.
Scrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkk...
Can you hear me?
I don't know how well this recorder works with wind on the microphone. And there's a lot of wind right now, because we're high in the sky, gliding away from civilization, faster than I've ever glided before! Zanguel is a cluster of shadowed towers on the horizon behind me, and it isn't even noon.
I'm wearing a pair of brand-new flight goggles. My saddlebags are packed as full as can be, one with high-calorie athlete food, water, and one with a portable tent so we won't have to sleep in the open, as well as space for this recorder. You're safe and sound in my belly, and I think you're sleeping. So far, so good.
I might not make very many recordings while flying. Up here, I think I should save my breath for flying. I just wanted to say, my little foal... I love you, and am doing this for you.
It's night. I've landed. My wings are stiff, but I don't think they'll cramp in the morning. I was right about gliding being easier than carrying water up and down.
Right now, I've had dinner. I pitched the tent in the shadow of an outcropping just to be safe, but the night is clear and I don't think we'll need it. You're moving around; I hope you'll let me get to sleep. We'll see how I feel tomorrow and if I'll be able to keep up this pace.
Good night, my little foal. I love you.
I'm halfway through day two. I found an oasis and have stopped to refill my water. I was slightly stiffer than usual this morning, so I think I'll spend the rest of the day here to rest and continue tomorrow morning. I love you, my little foal.
Day three. Oof... it's an hour out from evening. I think yesterday's rest did me good. I'd like to keep going tonight, but was having cramps and felt like I should land. The you-kind of cramps. They're not bad.
I don't know how much further it is to Ironridge. Please stay where it's safe, my little foal. I'll carry you after you're born if I have to, but we can make it. I love you. Matryona out.
Day four. We made it through a full day of flying today, my foal. Good job! Mommy's proud of you...
I hope we find another oasis soon. Edible grass or trees would be nice, too. I'm nearly a third of the way through my food rations. I have a compass that I'm using to check my way, and we seem to still be heading for Ironridge. We can make it, my little foal. I love you.
Day... Day five...
You can probably hear the wind again. It's getting toward evening, and I'm cramping again, worse than last time. I think water would help, but am running low and need to conserve it. Hold on, my little foal...
I'm still flying on. If I don't press myself now and find another oasis, I think it will soon be too late. If I find another, I'm waiting a few days to see if you want to come. I see something on the horizon, but don't know what it is. It looks like a weird rock...
Just keep talking, Matryona. You'll be fine. You and your foal will be perfectly fine. Focus on Ironridge... on Mobius... Even if he doesn't forgive me, maybe I can still get a job. And wasn't there a place called Riverfall along the way where mares cared for each other's foals?
I want to raise you myself, though. We'll make it there. We'll both hold on, and it will be all right. You'll see. You'll see...
What is that? It looks almost pony-made. Is there a pony all the way out here? What if they have supplies!? I don't have much to trade, but badly need water...
Night five. We've made it, my beautiful, beautiful foal. We did it. I love you. We did it.
What I saw was an airship. A real, working airship. Not like the one the Sosans made... This one is ran by a lone unicorn, built from scratch as an enthusiast project. Apparently, airships are powered by drilling holes into the ground and sucking out energy, and I found this one while they were refueling. If I had stopped with you instead of pressing on...
The captain offered me a ride. I think they were horrified that anyone would be crossing this wasteland alone, let alone with a full-term foal. And you really are full-term, because the cramps have gotten worse and I think you're coming.
We're flying south now, but I'm resting. I'm on the ship's deck, out beneath the stars. The captain is ignoring me, steering the ship. I don't blame them. Before the night is over, I'll probably be yelling very loudly...
I'm going to turn this recording off, soon, and concentrate on you. I think this will be the last message I leave in it, for real, so I want to tell you one more time what I've been telling you all along.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
The way you were conceived was so fantastical, I still wonder if it was a dream. Now you're going to be born on an airship. I wonder if anyone's ever done that before? But the important part is everything that didn't happen.
We are not jobless and impoverished, living in an alley in Ralianth. I will not be cleaning windows for ten hours a day in Zanguel, nor will we be living in another alley there. We're going to Ironridge. I'm going to go back to Mobius. I don't know what he'll say to me, or if he'll even remember. I hope he does. I hope he marries me and we live happily ever after in a shining city on a mountainside. But no matter what, you will have a future. It could be here, there, or anywhere... but I will do whatever it takes to make sure you can become whatever you want, go wherever you want, and do it all knowing that you are what this long, heavy year of my life has been lived for. And if you ever need to be reminded of that, I'll keep this recording as my most valuable possession and give it to you when you need to hear it most.
I love you, my little foal. I'll see you soon.