"Yippee!!" Everything was as perfect as could be, as Cozy Glow played with her new friends the Cutie Mark Crusaders in the charming little garden just outside the boundary of the School Of Friendship.
"I can't believe we're official tutors here now!!" Apple Bloom stated with pride, as she held up her ribboned certificate for all and sundry to see.
"I can't believe we've officially graduated from this place, without even having been taught a class!" Sweetie Belle had never earned so much by doing so little.
"I can't believe they let me ride my scooter inside... well, I assume so. I didn't see any signs telling me I couldn't, anyway!" Scootaloo's confession earned a dual shrug by her two fellow crusaders, before they carried on celebrating regardless.
"...And I can't believe you all fell for it! What a load of chumps! You ponies really are a bunch of dummies, aren't you? Actually no, that's an insult to dummies. At least dummies can model clothes. All you ponies 'model' on a regular basis is an unbelievably naive philosophy of 'everything can be solved with friendship'. Well, tell me how that works you for you the next time you fall up the stairs, get stuck in the dreaded Sock Dimension or turn to stone for hundreds of years. Those flatulent pigeons, sheesh! Amiright, or amiright?"
If Scootaloo's remark had made her other Crusaders pause for thought, Cozy Glow's sudden abrupt change in both accent and demeanour caused their jubilations to screech to a complete halt.
Immediately, the three stunned fillies went to glance at their new 'friend', who'd long since ditched all pretence of cuteness altogether and was curled up against a tree, convulsed with laughter.
"Um... fall up the stairs?" Apple Bloom was understandably confused.
"The 'Sock Dimension'? Is that even a real place?" Scootaloo made a mental note to check all the local maps later.
"Turned to stone? Did I hear you right? B-But the only one I know that happened to was..." Sweetie Belle let an audible gulp. Either she was suffering from the same phoenix feather-related deafness her big sister had acquired last week, or they were all in very deep doo-doo indeed.
The answer? Time to start washing those hooves, girls.
"Yes it is I, the occasionally reformed Discord!" Cozy Glow's cherubic features soon vanished in a puff of smoke, only for the plume to quickly grow rapidly to shape itself into the familiar features of the draconequus prankster himself. "...And none of you suspected a thing! I even fooled all your big sisters, and the great 'Princess Of Friendship'! I must say though, I'm especially disappointed at you, Scootaloo. With your flair for disguises, I thought you'd have me bang to rights in an instant. After I left so many clues to my true identity along the way, too..."
"I-I must be dreaming." Apple Bloom said in a daze, although this more seemed like a nightmare. "W-We did all that hard work, for nothing?"
"Clues?" Sweetie Belle was equally miffed at the cackling creature's cunning con, but was now contemplative about something else. "I don't remember seeing any 'clues'."
"E-Erm, thanks. I think?" Scootaloo had no idea how the draconequus knew about her perchance for wearing fake glasses with bushy facial hair. "But what I want to know is... why did you do it?"
"One question at a time my dear fillies, one question at a time. Class is in session!" Discord suddenly adopted the tone of a stern educator, and indeed before they knew what was happening, they found themselves seated at their own desks in an exact replica of Ponyville Elementary.
The only minor differences being that all their classmates had been replaced with poorly-drawn cardboard cutouts, and 'Miss Cheerilee' was in fact Discord in a bad pinkish wig.
Pretty disturbing for them, a pretty run-of-the-mill day for a chaos-loving hybrid.
"Ooo, an apple for the teacher! How thoughtful!" Without warning, Discord floated over from his own desk to hover above a dumbstruck Apple Bloom, when he somehow reached out one claw to remove the apple from her shield cutie mark, and give it a little bite.
"Hmm, while I can't say it's the worst fruit I've ever tasted..." Discord swirled the apple fragments around in his mouth, trying to savour the flavour. "...It's by no means the best, either. Sorry Applejack's sister, I can't give you any extra credit for this mediocre creation."
"Hey, you give that back right now!" Apple Bloom's understandable horror at having part of her special symbol taken away was quickly replaced with anger, and she stabbed an accusatory hoof in Discord's direction.
"Well, if you're going to be all grumpy about it, fine. That's the problem with ponies these days, no sense of humour. I remember the good old days of cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain. Oh, how they all laughed! Or screamed, I kind of forget sometimes." Discord sighed at precious memories long since passed, before casually throwing back the fruit so it absorbed itself onto Apple Bloom's flank once more.
Her initial relief at getting her full cutie mark back however, was soon overtaken by the sight that the apple still had a huge chunk nibbled out of it, curtesy of one hungry draconequus.
"Oh, don't worry your pretty little ribboned head about that." Discord reacted to Apple Bloom's aghast expression with a casual wave of his paw. "The whole thing'll grow back soon enough, just like a normal apple tree. Maybe as soon as next week, if you're lucky. Anyway, on with the lesson plan!"
At this point, the chalkboard seemed to create writing all by itself pertaining to what Discord wanted to teach, as he was far too important to waste valuable energy by scrawling anything up there. Or just plain lazy. Either way, this was how it was going to work. His world, his rules basically.
"Because of my flagrant yet somewhat amusing mistreatment of your posterior illustration, let's start with you, Apple Bloom." Discord proffered the farm filly generously. "You want to know if you did 'all this for nothing'. Well, let me set your little mind at ease there... you didn't. You got those handy dandy pieces of cheap parchment that you seem bizarrely attached to, you get to waste away your precious fillyhoods teaching a load of snot-nosed brats how to behave, and you helped me out too... but more on that later. All in all, I'd say this whole experience has been nothing but a smashing success all round!"
"Y-Yeah, I guess that's sorta right. We did all get some kinda reward for our efforts." Apple Bloom seemed momentarily pleased with the outcome, but upon careful reflection, seemed to change her tune. "When you put all of that negative spin , though..."
"Oops, no more time! Now we must move onto your spiky friend, the professional broom-juggler otherwise known as Sweetie Belle!" Discord turned his attention to Apple Bloom's unicorn buddy. "You want to know what brilliant hints I left you as to Cozy Glow's true nature? Well, here's the most glaring one right off the bat. Feast your peepers on this."
As if by magic (mainly because that's exactly what it was) the letters C O Z Y G L O W formed on the chalkboard, before being mixed around so quickly nopony could tell them apart. As fast as they started moving though, they stopped to create two totally new words: T O M R I D D L E.
"Oops, let's pretend we didn't see that. Stupid thing obviously needs retuning." Realising he'd made a mistake, all the board took was a little thump from Discord to get the letters spinning around again. " Ah, you see? D I S C O R D, which as everypony with half a brain cell can tell, is an easy anagram of C O Z Y G L O W. What is that ditzy mare teaching you, anyway? Clearly not essential detective skills. Your entire curriculum is a sham. You have my pity, if not my sympathy."
Sweetie had so much to say in response to this she didn't know where to start. "F-First of all, that 'ditzy mare' is the best teacher we've ever had! And I think Math and Art are slightly more important than stupid word puzzles! Lastly, could we maybe get those letters back on the screen? I'm pretty sure if we studied them closely, no part of 'Cozy Glow' is in 'Discord', apart from maybe two or three letters."
"Pffff! If I say it's a perfect match, then it's a perfect match. Besides, I'm the experienced teacher here, and you're merely the plucky student. Never argue with someone who's got centuries on you, my dear." Discard rasped Sweetie with his forked tongue, before rotating his head around to face Scootaloo. "Ah, last and definitely least, is everypony's favourite speedster. Well, Scootaloo you wanna know why I did it? You have questions, and I have answers. Sit back, and enjoy the show. No talking except during the intermission, please."
The orange pegasus was about to ask what in Equestria the cryptic draconequus meant, before suddenly she and her friends found themselves strapped to their chairs by a number of invisible restraints that'd sprung from nowhere.
In the meantime, there sat Discord in a much more comfortable padded seat. He now sported a blue and reddish pair of glasses, and munched freely from a huge bag of popcorn as the lights slowly dimmed around him green.
Meanwhile, big numbers began appearing on the chalkboard-turned-widescreen, as if counting something down important. 5...4...3...2...1.
"Oh, I forgot this movie isn't in 3D." A disgruntled Discord swiftly disposed of the funky glasses perched on the end of his nose. "That fad didn't last very long, did it?"
Before any of the unwilling audience members knew what was happening, the first moving image appeared on the screen: A butter-yellow pegasus with a surly rabbit in tow, frolicking merrily in a fragrant flowerbed. "La la la la la..."
"Wait, is that... Fluttershy?" Apple Bloom clearly possessed a good memory for faces.
"... And Angel Bunny is with her?" Scootaloo had evidently decided to join in the 'game'.
"I like this song!" If Sweetie hadn't been pinned down as she was, she might've been nodding along to the catchy melody even now.
"Yes, gold stars all round! Fluttershy... the most perfect wonderful creation ever to be created! Oh, and that long-eared spoiled brat, who obviously hails from the opposite side of the scale." Discord went from staring adorably at the main image onscreen to sticking his tongue petulantly out at Angel the next, although he seemed most surprised when Angel copied his rude action exactly as if the rabbit could see Discord for himself.
"A-Anyway, me and Miss Flutters were beginning to get along famously and fabulously..." Discord explained to the three filly onlookers, with an uncharacteristic amount of shyness. "We had tea on Tuesdays, fed the birds on Thursdays, then she'd come visit me in limbo on Sundays. Everything was going so swimmingly, I'd just bought a new pair of trunks and was getting ready to pop The Big Question."
"W-What, you mean..." Apple Bloom couldn't quite believe her ears.
"You were gonna ask her to..." Sweetie loved this sort of thing, and her eyes filled with the promise of sweet romance.
"...Be your special somepony? Yuck!" Scootaloo hated this sort of thing, and her mouth filled with the taste of sour bile.
"What? I should say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to see if she'd like to burst this big balloon with me. Doesn't it look like fun? Talk about going out with a bang!" At this point, Discord clicked his fingers together, and a giant-size inflatable materialised in the room, upon which was emblazoned a huge '?' motif. In his lion's paw also appeared a sharp needle, which Discord clearly meant to puncture the balloon with.
"Say, that does look kinda fun!" Scootaloo chortled, thinking of the massive gust of wind which would inevitably follow from it's destruction.
"Can we give it a try? Please?" Sweetie struggled in her seat to get closer. If Fluttershy didn't fancy popping it, she may as well volunteer instead.
"Hey, that sure looks like the needle stolen from our haystack last week..." Apple Bloom was sure she'd seen the pointy object somewhere.
"No, you can't!! This is a private activity reserved for me and my lady love alone! And as for the last accusation, I flatly deny it. All of it!" Discord scowled at his 'class', before the image on the screen quickly shifted to another very familiar equine.
"As I just said, things were going great. I was happy, she was happy but most importantly, I was happy. Then this interfering alicorn..." At this juncture he harshly tapped the screen upon which Twilight Sparkle was clearly on display. "...Has to go and ruin it all, by opening a 'School Of Friendship', or whatever it is. Personally, I refer to it as the 'School Of Endship', because it's sent my ship with Fluttershy sinking without a trace!"
"Anyway..." Discord continued to lament, as if taking on the role of a tragic hero. "...Now my darling spends nearly every waking moment there teaching lesser lifeforms about love, life and laughter, which means no more stirring teatime chats, no more throwing birdseed at those ungrateful buzzards and no more dancing on the ceiling every weekend. Even a million games of Ogres and Oubliettes couldn't replace the crushing loneliness in my heart! Oh, how I miss those days of perpetual bliss in the plumage of my beloved. And that's when I came up with my brilliant scheme: If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"
Now Discord once again morphed in the blink of an eye to the now much less-endearing coiffured form of Cozy Glow, as she began speaking in her soft, delicate voice. "Oh me, oh my! Such a cute little thing am I! I appeared randomly outside the Crusades' hut, wondering if they'd help me out of this rut! I have a lisp and am oh-so-cute, never will they suspect I'm a selfish brute! My paperwork and parents are so very fake, but those trusting ponies never suspect I'm on the take! Like my Cutie Mark? It's a rook, because all the best ones were already took! Once I'm a student so merry I'll be, Fluttershy much more often I'll get to see!"
In rhyming couplets that Zecora would've been proud of, the unrepentant draconequus had basically laid out his entire plan, and still in his Cozy Glow form, he rolled around on the floor with victorious laughter.
Fortunately, this strenuous action seemed to work in the Crusaders' favour, as they felt their restraints loosen around them. Quickly taking the chance to escape, they rounded angrily on Cozy Glow, and each had something pertinent to say.
"Y-You won't get away with this!" Apple Bloom scowled, thinking of all the odd jobs they'd done to satisfy this pest.
"I-I'm telling Rarity!" Sweetie Belle was also most irked about doing so many good things, for such a bad hybrid.
"Come on, let's go girls!" Scootaloo was just as irritated as the other fillies, but wisely decided to focus on finding a way out of there, before Discord had the chance to...
Oops, too late.
"Oh students, the fun isn't over just yet! Why don't you 'stick' around for a while..." Discord (or Cozy Glow) lifted their head up, and snapped their hoof somehow.
"I-I can't move!" "Neither can I!" "Is this... superglue on the floor?" Those were the calls emanating from the imprisoned fillies, as the draconequus took his 'stick around' threat all too seriously.
"And now a little after-movie show, and then let's see if you feel like telling anypony..." Cozy Glow grinned at the trio impishly, as a constant black and white spiral suddenly appeared on the screen. All the Crusaders were instantly drawn to it, and soon it was like they were caught in a hypnotic trance, unable to think of anything but the evolving pattern in front of them.
"S-So b-beautiful..." Apple Bloom remarked in a slurred voice, drool freely hanging from her mouth.
"W-What was I talking about a-again?" Scootaloo was equally dazed, her mind empty of any and all thoughts.
"I-I don't know, but whatever it was, I liked their m-mane." Sweetie Belle was just as caught up in fantasyland as her friends, perhaps even more so.
"Now, I want you fillies to listen to me very closely. The last few minutes never happened..." A smirking Cozy Glow told the transfixed trio in front of her. "...Also, you have the very special pleasure of being my new best friends..."
.......................................
"H-huh?" A now fully restored Apple Bloom rose from her daytime slumber.
"W-What?" Sweetie Belle had no idea what just happened either.
"D-Duh?!" Scootaloo made as much sense as her friends.
"Hey, are you guys alright?" The welcoming sight of Cozy Glow stood right in front of them, looking on with great concern. "You just blanked out there for a sec."
"Y-Yeah, we're fine." Apple Bloom accepted Cozy Glow's outstretched hoof to get up. After all, she was one of their very best friends. "Sometimes this happens with us, particularly when we're on a difficult crusade."
"It's like we don't know where we are sometimes..." Sweetie agreed, thinking back to all their daring escapades that usually ended in minor concussions. "Still, now that we have you with us Cozy Glow, thing'll be even better than before."
"It is a bit strange though..." pondered Scootaloo, oddly enough the most rational of the trio currently. "...That we all lost focus at the same time. Maybe there's more to this than..."
"Tag! You're it!" For some reason, Cozy Glow seemed eager to carry on playing instead of dwelling on the intricacies of her friends' temporary lapse in concentration, so the addled Crusaders just shrugged their shoulders and did as she asked, laughing all the way whilst chasing after her.
None of them saw the devious little wink she gave in her retreat though, or heard the distinctly un-fillylike laughter that followed her up and over the hill.
It all meant absolutely nothing. Honest.