//------------------------------// // 3 - What is Love? // Story: So, You Want to be a Princess? // by Meep the Changeling //------------------------------// Carla Arvil - 4/25/2018 Eventide Hall - Canterlot Suburbs, Equestria “AAAA!” Carla sat bolt upright, covers flew off with a rustle of silk on cotton. Her eyes were wide and bloodshot. Her breath came in huffing gasps. Familiar dark purple bed-curtains hung in front of her. Carla frowned and looked around herself. The deep purple and black walls of her bedroom surrounded her. She could see her desk, her knickknacks, her prop-weapon display. Carla’s lips twitched. A smile spread across her face. “Dream. You had a dream, Carla.” She flopped back down onto her bed. The mattress creaked. Two long thin somethings pressed against her back in an extremely uncomfortable way. Her back pressed right back against those somethings, resulting in three points of discomfort. Carla’s eyes went wide. She reached up towards the ceiling, praying to see her hand enter her field of view. Instead, her left hoof pointed up towards the white ceiling. Carla’s bedroom ceiling wasn’t white. It was purple. Carla yelped and scrambled atop the bed, flinging blankets and pillows aside as she tried to roll out of bed and to her feet. Ponies are not built for standing on their hind legs. The mismatch of intent and instinct left the panicking woman scrunched up in a ball next to her headboard. “HELP!” Carla screamed at the top of her lungs. She gathered her legs under herself and pushed away from the headboard, managing to push herself in exactly the opposite way she’d wanted to go. Carla rolled across the bed, over the edge and plunged down towards the floor. Seconds before she hit the ground, pegasus reflexes took over. Her wings opened. Normally, when a pegasus pony falls, open wings are a good thing. They catch the air and at the very least increase drag, slowing the pony’s fall. Pegasi normally fall outside. Carla’s left wing smacked into the wall, sending a jolt of pain down her limb and up her spine. Her right wing thwacked into her bed, shlooping between the mattress and the box spring. “Oof!” Carla twisted and hit the floor hard, dangling from the bed by her wing. Carla’s left eye twitched as pain radiated from her left wing and right shoulder. A deep well of anger flooded her heart. A point above both her eyes began to glow, not that Carla cared. “Who— WHATever did this to me had better undo it real quick, or they’ll meet my friends Smith and Wesson!” Carla growled and rolled over. Onto her left wing. Pulling her other wing out from the mattress roughly. “OW!” Carla grit her teeth in rage. The smell of smoldering wood suddenly came to Carla’s attention. Smoke drifted upwards from her bedposts. Carla’s eyes shrank to pinpricks. They’re psychologically torturing me before burning me to death! Carla sprang into action. With conscious thought left behind her body moved as it was designed too. She rolled over, sprang to her hooves, tucked her wings against her sides, and ran headlong into her desk. The dull “bumph” of a large alicorn impacting sheet metal at high speed echoed through the room. But only for the split-second before Carla screamed in pain thanks to her horn having punched a hole through the desk. It’s like someone kicked me in the balls, and one popped! Carla whimpered, curling up, her head still firmly stuck in the desk. The room’s door creaked as a small white unicorn with a deep blue and cyan mane pushed it open. “Sorry! I had to pee and—” The stallion’s eyes widened as he took in the smoldering bed frame, scattered linen, and Carla’s impaled desk. “—And recreating your bedroom did NOT make waking up any easier!” Carla whimpered, unable to understand a word the stallion said through the horrible, terrible, no-good, rotten pain blossoming between her eyes. The stallion trotted across the room towards the semi-conscious Carla. A sympathetic frown parted his lips and an empathetic cringe tightened his eyes. “It’s okay. We all do that once… Or twice… I did it ten times. Unicorns developed our horns before we evolved the ability to use magic. So like, you have that instinct to impale threats with it. Don’t do that.” “No… shit…” Carla moaned through clenched teeth. The stallion drew along her side and dipped his head down so his horn pointed at the punctured section of the desk. The spiraled keratin glowed with a faint inner light, and a ray of light shot from the tip of his horn to the desk. His magical ray brightened, and traced a pattern across the sheet metal, cutting through it but miraculously not Carla as he cut her free. As soon as the circle of metal popped free from the desk Carla felt herself become weightless. She opened her eyes and yelped at the sight of the wavy blue energy field which encapsulated her as she floated back from the desk. The miraculous suspension of the laws of physics carried her a short ways away from the desk, set her down, and then gently slipped the desk-disk from her horn, tossing the scrap metal aside. “There we go. How’s the horn? Hurting still?” The stallion asked as he turned his attention to the smoldering bed. The stallion’s horn pulsed with light, each pulse reducing the amount of smoke coming off the bed. “Yes,” Carla said as her eyes scanned the room. Escape. Must escape. They won't have recreated my weapons stashes. My martial arts were not designed for this body. Horn is not for stabbing. It’s for— Carla’s eyes fixed on the stallion’s horn and widened as her jaw dropped. “Did you just do magic?!” “Yep. So did you. Please don't get mad again. Next time you might light ME slightly on fire,” he said with a shaky grin before tapping his hooves together. “I uh, I know it’s dumb to say “don’t be mad” to a girl, but seriously… You’re an Alicorn.” “A wah?” Carla asked, still stupefied at the sight of a talking unicorn wizard. “An Alicorn,” the stallion’s horn stopped glowing as the end stopped smoldering. “A fusion of all three pony kinds. For all intents and purposes, a goddess. Oh! Not like your western monotheist gods. More like ancient Greek gods, or the gods of modern Chinese Folk Religion… Does that have a name? I feel like it has a name.” Carla’s lips twisted into a smile. “You turned me into something with the powers of a god?” “I didn’t. Princess Celestia did, and you agreed to become one. So please, don’t be mad. You don’t know how to control your magic yet. So uh… That’s why Princess Celestia had your bedroom recreated. Familiar surroundings and stuff. I told her that wouldn’t work, and we should just walk up and be honest with you but I’m only a Special Forces Agent soooo, yeah.” Carla snorted. Despite her situation, she felt a little of sympathy for the grunts who had to deal with the stupid decisions from up above. But on the other hand… “Why shouldn’t I be mad? I’ve been kidnapped, tricked under false pretenses, and am being held prisoner as far as I can tell.” The stallion’s ears perked in alarm. “No! No, no, no, no! Please, don’t get mad. You weren't tricked, you just didn’t believe what you were told was true! PLEASE! You’ve got an adult’s body and mana pool, but a newborn’s understanding of magic. Your emotions will have full control over your magic until you learn how to control it consciously and suppress yourself!” Carla gave the stallion a blank look. “Meaning?” The stallion fidgeted with his forehooves for a moment. “Um, well… You could easily vaporize me, this estate, and a small chunk of the countryside if you got too upset and unleash your full power in a fire-spell like you did with your bed.” Carla willed herself to stand, managing to move as she intended for the first time. “In that case, tell me everything I want to know, then take me to whoever can turn me back. Or I’ll remember every single last thing that has ever made me angry in as much detail as I can and send wherever the fuck I am to the same place we sent Hiroshima and Nagasaki!” The stallion’s ears drooped. “You don’t need to threaten everypony’s lives. You’re not a prisoner, and if you really really want to go back the Princess will send you. P— Probably.” Carla narrowed her eyes even further. “Probably?!” “We spent ten years finding you!” The stallion stamped his hoof. “Ten years since the last applicant failed the test. We’re also running out of time. The Crystal Empire will return from the Shadow Realm anywhere from one to two years from now. We need an Alicorn to handle that!” Carla closed her eyes. Her wings rustled in irritation. The feeling of unfamiliar limbs moving and brushing across her body made her jump. Her magic took hold of a notebook, making it jump too. Carla whipped her head around. “What the fuck was that!?” The notebook spun across the room, keeping its relative position to Carla’s head. It moved through a full half circle, smacking the stallion in the back of his head. “OW!” He reached up to swat the notebook out of the air and rub the back of his head. “Okay! Surprise controls your telekinesis. Uh, don’t get too surprised please.” Carla turned back to face her abductor once more. “Why not?” The unicorn flashed Carla a frightened smile. “Uh, well, you see…  I’ve seen Princess Luna crush golems in combat training. With her telekinesis.” Carla nodded one more. “Yeah. Okay. Question time. WHO the FUCK are you? Why am I here? I get you need someone for that… that Empire thing, but why me? Why not make you into an Alicorn? Who the fuck is Princess Celestia? I’ll stop there until you’ve answered, but I’ve got a billion more.” The stallion’s ears drooped again, a look of deep hurt crossing his face. “B— But I sound the same! You know me, Carla.” Carla’s face twisted into a frown. Her mind whirled, searching through the last few moments until… “Jake?!” Carla’s eyes widened. “They took you too?” The pony Carla knew as Jake waved a hoof in dismissal. “Pff, no! I’m a unicorn. I just pretend to be a human. It’s a work thing.” Carla’s rear legs collapsed under her, pony instinct forcing her to sit down to process this. As she plopped down Carla noticed that Jake was perhaps four inches under her eye level even while she sat down. “You’re a tiny white pony.” Jake harrumphed and crossed his forelegs, somehow not falling over as he did so. “I’m not tiny! I’m tall for a unicorn. Alicorns are bigger than anypony else!” “So— Um… Do you like, hypnotize people into seeing you as a human?” Carla tilted her head. “And here I thought I was really good at disguise.” Jake shook his head. “Nah. I use a magic gemstone to shapeshift into any creature I can touch. It’s a spy gadget.” That’s right. He mentioned he was an agent. “Okay, so you’re Jake. Is that your real name?” The stallion shook his head. “No. My real name is Shining Armor. I took the name Jake because my shapechanging gadget works almost exactly like the morphing cube and um, well, I really liked that book series.” Carla frowned. “Book series?” “Animorphs. I read them all the way back in ninety-six from one through fifty. I love sci-fi! Ponies don’t have that genre. Most of us are like “I’m a wizard, I want to read about wizards. Bring on the fantasy! That’s fine and all, but it’s way more cool to read about implausible and awesome things. You know, like your world where magic doesn't exist so you make super cool gadgets for everything!” Shining flashed Carla a huge grin, instantly confirming to her that the dork she knew either hadn’t bothered with a cover identity or was still using the same act. Carla narrowed her eyes. “Ninety-six huh? You are twenty-two. Or at least, I thought you were. Are ponies adults by their first birthday and already able to work and read?” Shining shook his head. “Oh gosh no. I’m forty-two. Oh! Uh, that’s Equus years. I’m sixty-three Earth years old.” “What?!” Carla looked Shining over head to hoof. “Bullshit! You’re not a decaying old fart!” Shining smirked. “I’m a magical pony. Keyword “magic”. We have lifespans muuuuch longer than any other species. I’m still a young adult.” “How much longer?” Carla frowned. “If I eat right, stay fit, and don’t get injured too badly I could make it to almost four hundred. Unicorns live a bit longer. Most ponies can make it to three hundred, and we average two eighty.” Shining frowned and looked Carla in her eyes. “Alicorns are different… If you stay like you are now, you’ll never die.” Carla sputtered. “I’m immortal right now?! You kidnapped me, made me into a god, and IMMORTAL GOD, and didn’t worry about me deciding to kill you all for it?!” “Oh, nononono! I could kill you if I got the drop on you and had a pretty powerful magical weapon to cut through your natural wards,” Shining said casually. “You won't die unless someone kills you. Or something. Monsters can too. So can some natural hazards. Immortal isn’t indestructible you know.” Carla raised an eyebrow. Shining smiled shakily. “Oh, right, your question. Uh, we didn’t? Or did you miss how I befriended you and we hung out for years and years? I know you, Carla. You wouldn’t kill unless you had no choice.” Carla frowned. “You're a spy… Our friendship was nothing more than this recruitment mission, wasn’t it?” Shining frowned and shook his head, hurt and alarm pooling in his eyes. “W-what?! No! Not at all! You weren't on the list until three months ago. We were real friends. The only reason you’re here now is Celestia asked me for the identities of all humans I trusted when the recruitment list ran dry. I hung out with you because I liked you… Also, my detection spells told me you were transgender.” “What is that, your fetish?” Carla growled her brow furrowing deeply. A potted plant burst into flames, completely immolating itself in an instant. “NO!” Shining yelped. “Please calm down! I— I might like human porn, especially the whole futa thing you guys came up with, but that’s BECAUSE of you! I like you! Your condition attracted my attention because it’s unheard of here. There are no transgender ponies. Our doctors detect the condition in utero and fix it before the foal is born. “I was doing medical scans to gather data on humans and you walked by and I saw it flag you as transgender and I feel horrible! We’re a very empathetic species. I realized what a whole lifetime of being in the wrong body would be like and—” Shining paused, his ears drooped flat, his eyes widened. “Oh!” Carla glared at Shining. “YEAH! This ISN’T how I want to be! I am NOT a high schooler’s doodle!” “W— Well you’re a woman now…” Shining muttered awkwardly staring at the floor. “I— I didn’t ever… Back then I wanted to sneak a potion over to you. We’ve got potions to change your sex… They’re for jokes and um… adult fun. I wanted to help you. I never thought about… this.” Shining looked up at Carla, tears in his eyes. “Carla, I’m sorry! I had orders. I didn’t think about— Buck me, I’m stupid!” Carla’s gaze softened. “No. You’re not stupid. You had a job. You had orders. Magic and transformation are normal to you, apparently…” “Who cares? I hurt you!” Shining sniffled. “I never wanted too. Transformation isn’t a big deal to me, yeah. But I should have realized you’ve never experienced it and since you've wanted to be one thing forever… We’ll go talk to the Princess. I’m sure she’ll put you back!” Carla paused for a moment then shook her head. “Not till you tell me the rest of what I want to know. Like, why humans? Why take a human and make them your new god?” Shining sniffled and wiped his eyes clean with a hoof. Carla recoiled, cringe overtaking her face. “And how the hell did you do that without scraping your impractical huge eyes with your hoof?” Shining snorted and grinned, then poked his eye with a hoof tip. “We’ve got membranes over our eyes. Kinda like goggles. They're not exposed to the air like human eyes.” “Okay… Why are they so big? They are almost twice the size of a human eye.” Shining blushed lightly. “Scholars think ponies evolved to be universally adorable as a defense against predators. Most infants have big eyes, no matter the species. So most sapient cultures draw cute characters with big eyes. It’s a brain hack. Our eyes are big, but not so big they look gross. We’re stylized by evolution for defense reasons.” Carla blinked. Shining had delivered it so flatly that it couldn’t be a joke. “Oh! Uh, we’re not the only intelligent life on our world. Looking cute to other intelligent life is an actual advantage.” “W— well… You are adorable…” She admitted bashfully. “I think I would feel a bit bad if I hurt you. Kinda like a puppy now that I think about it. But I still will get mad at you if I don’t get answers!” Shining nodded and gestured to the chair behind Carla. “Take a seat? We could be talking for a while.” Carla’s aching plot insisted upon the chair. Carla’s conscious mind insisted upon remaining still to not get stuck in the bed again. “No thanks.” “Okay, suit yourself.” Shining took a deep breath. “We needed a human because while Equestria is a monarchy, it’s a constitutional Monarchy. Alicorns can develop naturally, but there’s only ever been a total of nine, counting you. All but two others are dead. “We have just enough samples of alicorns developing from normal ponies to understand HOW it happens. Princess Celestia found a way to make a spell nudge someone in just the right way for them to ascend to Alicornhood. Her old long since passed friend Starswirl the Bearded was working on the spell when he died. “There’s just one problem. Princess Celestia’s finished version of the spell will transform anything BUT a pony.” Carla hummed. “I take it the other peoples of this world are not okay with being a god?” Shining shook his head. “No. We can’t trust them to not take the power we give them right back to their own nation and not do the job we need. We were looking for a human because our worlds are linked by a magical bridge, like Narnia only cooler because instead of more fantasy realm there’s a sci-fi setting!” Carla facehooved, nearly hitting her horn. “We’re not science fiction…” Shining laughed. “That’s a matter of perspective. You’ve made balls you toss which explode in a fireball. A mechanical Flamebolt spell! That is SO sci-fi! It’s cool.” He flashed Carla a dorky smile. “Okay… But why Humans? Why not any other people from any other world?” “Because we can only reach Earth so far. We explore space with magic, not ships. We can’t just pick a place and go there. It’s… Tricky. Not every star is a place we can reach. But that wouldn’t solve the problem on its own. “Humans are perfect for us because you have no magic. You could only go home via magic, and since only Princess Celestia knows the spell to open a gate to Earth she holds the trump card which ensures you won't screw us… Uh, wouldn’t. I mean, I’ll talk to her. We’ll find someone else. I meant if you wouldn’t be traumatized by being a pony.” Carla frowned. “I… Thank you. But… I am used to my body being wrong. It sounds like this is very important for your people. At least important enough where I should listen to you. What’s the problem? Why is this “Magical Kingdom” so important?” Shining winced. “Uh… Well… You see…” He took a deep breath. “There's-a-dark-lord-inside-it!” “What?!” “A thousand years ago Princess Celestia and her Sister Princess Luna fought the Dark Lord King Sombra. They almost killed each other, but the Sisters injured Sombra so bad he banished himself and his entire kingdom to the Shadow Realm. Where he’s been lurking for millennia.” Shining turned and looked out the bedroom’s window. “The Shadow Realm is hard to access or even see using normal magic. Very few unicorns can use Dark Magic without it corrupting them. The few spies the Princess had who could use it safely were ALWAYS sent to the shadow realm to search for Sombra. We found him. “He’s been preparing for a rematch for the last thousand years, and his Banish spell will wear off soon. He’ll return, along with the Crystal Empire and every pony he oppressed. The Princesses can’t fight him, he’s ready for them. An army of mortals would wind up mind-slaved to the Dark Lord, so they can't send their armies. “Alicorns… You have natural wards. You can’t be mind controlled. An Alicorn can safely approach Sombra and has the power to take him on one-on-one.” Carla raised a hoof, stopping Shining. “One on one? I thought you said he took two on and won.” Shining's ears perked. “Oh! They came into battle wounded and half drained. They had to fight through his defenses. A whole nation’s worth. Only the central city will return with Sombra this time. He has no physical materials to build new defenses in the Shadow Realm. It’s different. He won't have a tactical advantage.” “Ah. So, in other words, they need someone new who this guy won't have a plan to handle to take him out and free the city when he returns. Alright. Why me?” “First, you’re human,” Shining admitted. “We went over most of that, but there's also a less pleasant reason for wanting a human…” Carla raised a suspicious eyebrow. Shining coughed. “This will make us sound like either wimps or arrogant holier than thou jerks but… Humans are way more warlike than ponies.” Carla’s eyebrow raised even further. “I’m not calling you a barbarian! You’re apes. Apes are territorial and violent creatures. We’re equines. We’re herd based creatures who prefer to run from danger and don't really hold “territory”. At least, our ancestors didn’t. All I am trying to say is that your species and ours come from two very different ancestral pools. While we make war, we don't do it like you. We’re less aggressive, fight defensively, and most Equestrian wars end through diplomacy. “But humans? Oh man! You guys… Uh, promise you won't get mad? I’m a fanboy of yours, not a hater.” Carla frowned, then eeped as her ears drooped. “What was that?!” A pillow began to glow pink and drift up to the ceiling. “Oh, your ears went floppy. You uh, you emote with them now.” “Well, it felt weird… Can I make them not do that?” Carla asked. Shining shook his head. “Your poker playing days are over.” Carla couldn’t help but smile. “Heh… Okay. Why humans? I promise I won't get mad.” Shining nervously shuffled a hoof. “Humans… For millions of years, from the time your species first ancestor emerged until today, your species survived not by cooperation but by brutal, violent, competition. We’re both omnivores, but you lean predator while we lean herbivore. Humans, in general, have no problems with hunting and eating other lifeforms capable of experiencing fear and distress. That inflicts no mental trauma on a human whatsoever. Again, on average. I’m aware of vegans. “Human recreation includes physical violence. You find it FUN! Your idea of a good time is chasing down another human, tackling them to the ground, ripping a precious item from their hands, and running away with it.” Carla rolled her eyes. “Mugging people isn’t a sport, you derp.” Shining smirked. “I was describing American Football.” Carla paused, thought about it, and couldn’t find anything to refute Shining’s point. “One for you tally....” Shining turned, beginning to pace back and forth between the window and the bed. “Get ready to tally up more. Other forms of human recreation include extreme mental challenges, disruption of your senses, and in some extreme cases deliberately putting yourself into potentially lethal situations. Humans are just… Look, if we ever fought humans you guys have a great chance of winning. Because your greatest strength is your capacity for self-delusion.” Carla crossed her forelegs over her chest. The gesture was automatic. She couldn’t have moved that precisely if she had tried. Fortunately, the cross “armed” glare was exactly what she wanted to do at the moment. “Excuse me?” Shining stopped pacing. His ears drooped as he turned to look at Carla. “I’m not being mean. I’m serious!” “Really?” “Yes!” Shining threw his hooves up in the air. “Ponies fold under pressure! We see the writing on the wall and run away. But you? Humans are not a rational species. You do not have an intrinsic grasp of statistics or probabilities. If you did, your history would be very different. It would be like ours. “You’re irrational, contradictory, and sometimes self-defeating. You act against each other's interests and compete viciously and brutally over scarce resources. Instead of acting as one species, you form complicated tribes and fight between each other.” “Yeah, that’s not helping your point not be racist,” Carla growled. “I’m not done!” Shining frowned. “Remember, I LIKE humans. A lot! It’s that irrational and competition focused mind that makes you special. Because those tribes you form… You understand friendship and family on a deeper level than any pony. I’m not joking. I’m not exaggerating. “Humans possess an absurdly high capacity for aspiration, kinship, compassion, and a RIDICULOUS tolerance for adversity. If a human’s friends or family are threatened, you go full great ape. Mothers have crushed the skulls of those who attacked their children. Neighbors have banded together to dig people they’ve never met out from the rubble of collapsed buildings. During a war, you will happily throw ourselves on grenades to save the lives of your brothers in arms.” “The full power of your irrational mind is unlocked in those conditions. Humans DO NOT CARE about the odds of victory. You draw a line in the sand and say “No more, no further. The buck stops here. You know EXACTLY what to do when you step into a puddle of blood and guts that used to be your best friend!” Shining returned to looking out the window and sighed. “We don’t. Ponies… The herd is strong. We will protect our homes. We’re not cowards. But if a herd is trapped, with no clear way out any of us can see, we surrender. We can’t help it, it’s what we are on a fundamental level. But you? You’d MAKE a way out or die trying. You fight. Humans don’t accept that they have lost, and that self-delusion lets you find a way to win a lot more than it should.” Carla nodded, satisfied by Shining’s explanation. “You have a point. But I thought you said you didn’t think we were barbarians.” Shining laughed, a genuinely amused laugh. “Carla, you’re the opposite of barbarians. You lack magic and yet have walked on your moon. Your species is so smart you don't even think you’re smart. You think genius is mundane, normal, boring, and don't even realize when you USE it! The majority of humans think humans are stupid while they sit at a box that transforms finger wiggles into messages for someone on the other side of the planet. You’re a species of great thinkers and proud warriors. We’re a species of great thinkers and passionate artists. Neither is better than the other… Objectively. But personally? I think humans are cooler.” Carla snorted. “You put out fire with your mind. That’s cooler.” Shining put a hoof to his mouth and giggled. “Nooo… I mean, you have air conditioning. So you’re cooler.” Carla gave Shining a blank look. “Is this an act, or are you really a dork?” Shining puffed his chest out and struck a dramatic pose. “I’ll have you know that in high school, I was King of the Dorks!” Carla smiled and shook her head. Yep. He’s the same person. Except… a pony. A tiny, white fluffy pony. With blue hair… Oh my god. Carla stood up, her rear legs shaking as she only barely remembered they weren't supposed to point away from her torso in time. She took a few steps towards Shining, looking him over before shaking her head. “You’ve been trying to tell me for years, haven't you? Always mentioning a love of spy stuff. Talking about how you want blue hair. All those conversations about what it would be like to run away to another world… You really are my friend, aren't you?” Shining shuffled his right forehoof against the floor and looked down bashfully. “Well, yes… But I’ve always wanted to be well, more than that.” Carla’s eyebrows shot up. “What?” “Hey, you know I flirted with you all the time!” Shining protested, stamping a hoof. “Yes, but that’s when I thought you were a young human dude! You’re a pony!” “Now, yeah. But I can turn human any time I want too. And stay that way for as long as I want. I’ve never had problems being human, or anything else. It’s why Princess Celestia put me on duty as the permanent agent on the Earth side.” Shining flashed Carla a smile. “Besides, it’s not like I’m an animal. I’m a person.” Carla frowned, her wings fluttered. “Uhhhh… Point. But… This is really weird… You’re a pony!” “So are you, I mean, for now,” Shining whimpered. ‘We’re both ponies now… And we were always both mammals. It’s not perverted or anything. Not here at least. There're tons of interspecies couples.” The lyrics to a Bloodhound Gang song drifted unbidden through the halls of Carla’s mind. Ack! Not that earworm! DO NOT SING IT! Shining’s eyes burned a hole in the floor. “I— I almost got fired, you know that? The jacket I gave you. It was enchanted. The Princess caught me taking it over and… It doesn't matter. It would have made you into a human woman forever. I knew you’d never take that step yourself, and doing it for you would be trivial for me. I just wanted you to be happy… I thought if you were a woman on the outside that maybe you’d have some room for me in your heart.” Carla’s ears folded down. Her eyes softened. She reached down with one hoof to trace the accent lines along her jacket’s left sleeve. Her heart went out to Jake, or Shining, whatever his name was, it didn’t matter. Whatever his species was, it didn’t matter. Because Carla remembered. She remembered years of being brought lunches. Years of random gifts which were not inexpensive. Years of him being there for her. Years of enthusiasm, acceptance, appreciation. She remembered how rare it was for a man to show his feelings. How it was hammered into her brain that men were never allowed to cry. TO remain stoic, strong, and brave. She saw now how Shining Armor’s feelings were too strong for him to contain. If that’s not love what is? Carla racked her brain, trying to find the right words to say she understood. That she accepted his feelings. That she accepted him. “You and me, baby—” Carla put a hoof over her mouth immediately. AAAAAAAAAAA! NO! DO NOT SING IT! Shining sighed and turned his back to Carla. “I— I understand. Not everypony can reach across the species barrier. I— I’ll go.” Shining stood up and took one step towards the door. His ears shot up like rockets. “Did you call me baby?” Carla opened her mouth, only to close it. You are NOT telling him you’ve got a really dirty song stuck in your head! There was only one thing to do. Carla stepped forwards and wrapped her forelegs around Shining in a tight hug. There. Now I don’t have to talk. Phew! Her heart skipped several beats as she snuggled into Shining’s soft fur. OH MY GOOOOD! He’s so fluffy I’m gonna die! Carla tightened her hug even more, burying her muzzle into Shining’s neck in the pursuit of warm fluffies. Shining squeaked awkwardly. His forelegs twitched, thrashed slightly, and wrapped themselves around Carla’s back weekly. “T— Thanks,” he croaked. “Let… go…” Carla frowned and let go. “I— I thought you wanted—” Shining took a deep breath, and Cadence recognized the sound of an emptied lung reinflating. The poor stallion coughed into his hoof several times before smiling at Carla feebly. “I should mention… Alicorns have unicorn magic, pegasi’s flight, and earth pony’s super-strength.” Carla flushed an even brighter pink. Her magic took hold of the cut off piece of her desk and transmuted it into a block of cocobolo wood. “I’m so sorry!” “It’s okay… The Princess wanted me… Tutorial level,” Shining panted. Carla shuffled her hooves nervously. Her wings fluttered against her jacket. “D— Do we have poison spit or anything like that?” Shining shook his head. “No?” “Good,” Carla said as she leaned forward and kissed Shining on the lips. It was a brief kiss, but a loving one. Exactly the sort of kiss a tough woman would sincerely give out to someone she cared for. It shouldn’t have been anything more special than that, and yet the moment Carla’s lips met Shining’s, she could feel the emotional bond between them as it solidified. Carla broke the kiss, her lips pulling into a frown. “What was—” A bright white light blazed into life on Carla’s flanks. Motes of light lifted away from her fur, shimmering and sparkling as a colorful crest faded into existence upon her. Carla watched out of the corner of her eye as the gold-framed blue crystal heart tattooed itself on her flanks, her ears and tail raised in alarm. Shining frowned and looked into Carla’s eyes. “Why did you sto—” Not even a love-struck stallion could miss the light show. Shining Armor gasped, squealed in delight, and fainted. Carla stared at her butt in horror. “OH GOD, WHY?!” Why am I even MORE of a fucking froufrou doodle?! What else could POSSIBLY happen to me today?!