//------------------------------// // The Break Up Break Down // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// Applejack came to me with a problem.  “My brother is having relationship trouble.” I had thought Big Mac was a werewolf and therefore a conscientious objector to joining the the dating pool.  Maybe I was still playing catchup on this universe. But the fact-of werewolfishness was a privileged secret between Mac and me.  So instead, I said, “Why are you coming to me about relationship trouble?” Applejack sighed.  “Much as I hate to admit, you are probably the most experienced one around here in that regard.” Shit, I was. It was my turn to sigh.  “Fine. What’s the problem?” “He heard this mare is stalking him after he declined a relationship.” “So he didn’t hear it direct from her mouth?” “No, not that I’m aware.” “So we don’t actually have a problem.” “But we might.” “Maybe.  But we don’t know for sure.” “Would you just look into it?” I sighed.  “Fine. I’ll round up Tin Mare and have her fly me back to Ponyville to make sure your brother doesn’t misinterpret something about his possible girlfriend.” Trixie popped her head in.  “Dad, can I ask a favor? Could you take Fizzy today?” She handed over the black baby demon colt who did his trademark asshole grin. On my way out, I stopped by The Fifth, Guinness’ onboard bar, and ordered a quadruple.  To go. I also told him to have a couple more ready for when I got back. In Need of Beaning came to the surface, just enough for the sail to pierce the waves.  I swayed as I climbed up the ladder, Fizzy clinging to my neck. His little hooves weren’t strong enough to strangle me yet, so I let him.  It was easier than trying to spare a hoof to climb a slippery metal ladder while drunk. Tin Mare came in for a hover over the submarine and I climbed aboard her tailgate.  Libby was loaded in the back, wings folded. I really needed to get a runway built so that she could take off conventionally and not have to be dropped out the back of Tin Mare. “Happy Hearts and Hooves Day!” she said. “I didn’t realize it was today,” I said. “Why did you think Trixie and Daring wanted some time to themselves?” said Fizzy.  I put him down and he stretched out on the floor like a cat. “I’m quite certain they’re going to copulate.” “Yeah, no, I’m not going to think about that.  Anyway, I try to stay away from holidays created to sell things.” “Didn’t you used to be Santa Claus?” “That’s why.” Changing the subject, I turned away.  “Tin Mare, get me a line to Pinkie. If it’s Hearts and Hooves Day and I forgot all about it, I might be missing something else.  I need to be prepared.” She set up a video teleconference on the screen in the cockpit.  I had to climb over Libby to get there. “Hey Valiant, what’s up?” Pinkie asked when she answered. “Pinkie, remind me of the local holidays.” She didn’t think the request was strange at all.  “Well, today is Hearts and Hooves Day. The Summer Sun Celebration is coming up.  We’re going to have the Running of the Leaves near Ponyville. There’s Nightmare Night.  And of course, Matrixmas.” I stared at her on the screen for a couple of seconds.  “Maxtrixmas?” “You know, when Keanu Reeves brings us all presents.” I blinked.  After a moment I shook my head.  “Oh, right. Matrixmas. How silly of me to forget.  That makes so much sense.” “Happy to help!” Just when I thought I had this changed universe figured out, I got smacked in the face by a butterfly effect of putting Wachowski in charge of Yuletide cheer. Pinkie signed off and we came in for a landing in Ponyville.  Fizzy, still in the body of a young foal, couldn’t keep up on his own, so I begrudgingly carried him.  Unfortunately, this put his mouth close to my ear and he kept up a solid commentary of what he would do to the general populace once he was able. “Don’t make me kill you again,” I said. “I’d just come back.” “I’m still more than willing to mildly inconvenience you, asshole.” We encountered Sunburst on the street.  I didn’t know what he was doing here. “Is Libby around?” he asked. “No.” “Yes she is,” said Fizzy. “Well, too bad,” said Sunburst. I threw Fizzy a smug look. Sunburst cocked his head.  “Why are you throwing smug looks at your grandson?” “Don’t worry about it.  Also, like I told you before, don’t sex the airplane.” “I just feel like she needs help.  She doesn’t work like you want. Maybe I can figure out why.” “Don’t sex the airplane.” “I’m not going to sex the airplane!” “Then why are you so interested?” I asked. “It’s just…” He shook his head.  “I’m not sure. I guess when we got to know each other when we went to Sire’s Hollow, and she kind of reminds me of Starlight Glimmer.  I let her slip away and we lost contact, and then apparently she went on to be some sort of villian.” “Libby’s a petulant robot, not a future magical dictator,” I pointed out.  “If, if, she were ever to go evil, then she’d have to find someone willing and able to refuel and rearm her.  Also, I have a master override. I don’t build death machines I can’t stop.” Lesson learned from the last universe.  Hackers on steroids. “Anyway,” I went on, “What the hell about her reminds you of Starlight Glimmer?” “I…” He rubbed the back of his head and looked away.  “I just miss her, from back then. When I saw Libby’s shape in the sky, it reminded me of when Starlight and I used to fly kites.” I shook my head.  “That’s so gay.” Sunburst looked confused.  “It was heterosexual.” “You don’t have to be gay to be gay.  I thought you learned that from my repeated negging during the time when you were hanging out with Thorax.  That doesn’t even go into my gadar-guided weapons.” “What!?” I’d had an idea that gaydar could be weaponized.  On the spectrum from gay to straight, if we could set it to pick out a specific amount of gay, we could get the weapons to home in on someone’s unique signature, like a fingerprint. If precise enough, it would be absolutely specific to that one, single person - literally a bullet with their name on it. I’d even considered that we could manufacture them ahead of time and have one ready to go for everyone, just in case. But I didn’t tell Sunburst that, because he already knew too much and this conversation was getting too long already. “I need to go,” I said.  “I have to save a relationship.” Sunburst looked so bewildered by the change of subject that his head was still spinning as I walked away. I didn’t know where I was going to find Big Mac or his girlfriend.  I had Tin Mare start looking through overhead imagery for Sugar Belle.  I knew she was already in the system because she’d been one of the equals-sign ponies under Starlight Glimmer. After a moment, Tin Mare told me, “She’s in Sugarcube Corner.” I headed over there.  Tin Mare patched in the listening devices I had planted, so I already had an idea of the conversation by the time I arrived.  Sugar Belle had become Mrs. Cake’s new apprentice. That didn’t make any sense to me.  Granted, Sugar Belle had lost out on some experience baking when she temporarily lost her cutie mark, but it was still her talent and I didn’t think apprenticing under another baker was going to make that much difference in her overall baking ability.  Something else was going on here. I figured it was just to be closer to Mac.  I knew he’d turned down a full on relationship with her before on account of his werewolfishness, but maybe she hadn’t gotten the hint and was trying to take it to the next level. I walked in and saw Sugar Belle behind the counter, talking with Mrs. Cake. Fizzy said, “I’m going to eat her face.” Ignoring him, I stepped up to the counter. “What can I get for you?” Mrs. Cake asked. Thinking about what would keep her busy the longest, I said, “Some of your finest, oldest, cakes from the back, top shelves, checked for efficiency, quality, and hextuple-wrapped in mylar.” “That will take a few minutes,” she said, disappearing into the back room. When we were alone with Sugar Belle, I said, “What brings you to town?  Are you after Big Mac?” She blushed.  “Yes. I know he’s solitary, but I’m trying to get him to open up.  We...have a few things in common.” That piqued my interest, I have to say.  Also, she didn’t seem like the crazy stalker type. I was just about to ask, when Fizzy suddenly raced up the back of my head and launched himself at her. There wasn’t any kind of splat or thump, or whatever.  Her head just came off and sailed with Fizzy across the room.  Her body remained standing, a wisp of something ethereal coming out of her neck. “Well shit,” I said, pulling Fizzy up by the scruff of his neck. Sugar Belle’s head said, “Get that jar of frosting off the counter!” “Uh, okay.”  I picked it up.  Her body grabbed it from me and a butter knife and went over to her head.  She spread a thin layer of the sticky frosting on her neck and then placed her head back on. She looked away.  “I’m sorry you had to see that.  Please don’t tell anypony.” “Uh, yeah, no, I won’t.” “I’ve been trying to gather the courage to talk to Big Macintosh,” she said.  “I know he’s not like other stallions, but...well, I’m not like other mares. I don’t know if that makes it okay, but I have to try.” I sighed.  “Fine, let’s just get it over with.  Come on.” I pulled her out of the shop and down the street towards Sweet Apple Acres.  I glanced over the treetops, seeing a tree or two swaying, using it to find where Big Mac was bucking apples. He stopped when he saw us.  I indicated Sugar Belle. “You two have some talking to do.  Just go ahead and get it over with.” “I...know this sounds strange, but you’re different, aren’t you?” she said.  “I can tell. You’re...” She glanced at me. “He knows,” said Mac. “You’re a werewolf, aren’t you?” Sugar Belle said. Mac nodded. That apparently broke the seal.  Sugar Belle began to talk faster.  “I know how you must feel because I’ve always been alone myself and not feeling right for anypony because I’m…”  She hesitated, and then just pulled her head off, tucking it under one forleg, her face tilted up to him. “S’ppose you do understand, then,” said Mac.  He looked away. “But this still can’t work. Both of us could end up livin’ more than one lifetime.  I can’t put either of us through that, bein’ unfulfilled. It ain’t you, it’s me.” He turned and started to walk away. “Hey,” I said, “While I’m here, I wanted to talk to you about a merchandise opportunity.” He stopped and looked back. “I wanted to talk to you about endorsing a licensed set of large novelty lighters.  They’d be called Big Mac’s Mag Bics.” I paused, frowning. “Or maybe Bic Mags? Haven’t decided.” “Eenope.” “Your franchising loss.” He continued walking away. Beside me, Sugar Belle had started to cry. “Well, aren’t you going to drive the knife in further and make her kill herself out of depression?” said Fizzy. I wondered how a potentially-immortal headless horse would go about suicide. “Well, I guess I didn’t need to move to Ponyville after all,” she sniffed. I considered it.  “Well, if you want, I can offer you a job.”