That’s what COULD have Happened.
But how about this?
The bell of the shop’s front door rang.
“Yeah. It was us.”
The girls looked over as Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo all stood before them, all three looking particularly ashamed.
“WHAT?!” Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie all exclaimed in unison as many of the girls rose to their feet.
“It’s pretty obvious if you think about it,” Twilight with an irritated expression on her face. “Sunset… is… is this how you feel like all the time?! Because, if so, I get why you can be so snippy!”
“Apple Bloom! How could you!” Applejack cried.
“Yeah!” Pinkie chimed in. “And why did you three just show up right as Sunset was going to reveal who the culprit was?!”
Apple Bloom shrugged. “Ah saw Sunset freak out and decided to get Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo so we could confess… Ah guess we just showed up specifically at the most convenient moment.”
“Well…” Pinkie Pie turned and stared directly at one of the shop’s four walls. “That’s just a reference I already made in the first alternate ending.”
“We didn’t mean it to go this far!” Apple Bloom insisted. “Honest!”
Sunset raised a hand. “Apple Bloom, it’s okay!”
“It is?!” The trio of new arrivals said in disbelief.
Sunset nodded. “This experience has taught me a valuable lesson about family.”
The girls around Sunset all smiled expectantly.
Sunset continued, “and that’s that it sure the flying fuck isn’t any of you deplorable cunt-knuckles.”
You could hear a pin drop.
Twilight swallowed. “Does that include me?”
Sunset leveled an index finger at Twilight. “You’re on probation!”
Twilight mulled that over for a moment. “That’s tough but fair.”
“Also, I live at your castle now!”
Twilight nodded. “Sure! I think you Spike and I will get along perfectly!” Twilight laughed. “Unless of course, we get someone else to live there who interrupts our dynamic in hilarious ways, amIright?!”
“Sounds oddly specific!” Sunset said. “But perfectly agreeable! Let’s roll!”
“B-but what about your life here, darling?!” Rarity exclaimed. “What about your life as a human?”
“Well…” Sunset pondered this for a moment. “There is one thing I’ll miss about living here.”
“Really?” Rainbow Dash asked, her face lighting up.
Sunset nodded. “Yep! The birds!”
Fluttershy smiled. “Oh, birdies? I love birdies.”
Sunset continued, “Specifically these two right here!” With that, Sunset raised her hands up and gave all the girls of Canterlot High the double deuce.
Some of the girls let out whimpers and others glared at the display in front of them.
“Twilight, help me out here,” Sunset requested.
“Uh… Oh!” Twilight added her two middle fingers to the mix. “Okay… but what does this mean?”
Sunset gently grabbed Twilight by the arm and walked them both to the door. “It sure the fuck doesn’t mean ‘peace amongst worlds,’” Sunset said as the bell to the café door rang. “Ponies OUT!” she added as she and Twilight departed, the door closing behind them.
For a long moment, no one said anything, all of them simply electing to stare at the door that Sunset and Twilight had just left through.
Finally, after a profound sense of dread had fallen over almost all the girls present, Applejack chuckled and looked at her friends. “What a bitch, am I ri—Whoa, Nelly!”
Applejack raised her hands up in front of her face as four glasses full of half drank items were suddenly lobbed at her.
Well, that was certainly a thing!
But what about…
The bell of the shop’s front door rang.
“Yeah. It was us.”
The girls looked over as Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo all stood before them, all three looking particularly ashamed.
“WHAT?!” Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Pinkie all exclaimed in unison as many of the girls rose to their feet.
“It’s pretty obvious if you think about it,” Twilight with an irritated expression on her face. “Sunset… is… is this how you feel like all—”
Pinkie leaned over and covered Twilight’s mouth, much to the princess’s confusion. “Shhhhhh…” Pinkie said as she raised a finger to her lips. “Let’s just move this along, shall we?”
“We didn’t mean it to go this far!” Apple Bloom insisted. “Honest!”
“But why did you do it?” Sunset asked, leaning her hand on the table.
“Because… because of you, Sunset,” Apple Bloom admitted at she looked down at her feet. “I was jealous that my sister was spendin’ time with you and her friends and family. I wanted to make you look bad. So I made up Anon-a-Miss and posted the story about Applejack and made it look like you’d done—”
Pinkie’s hand shot up into the air. “It’s fiiiiIIIIIiiiine~” she warbled. “The relatively few of us here who haven’t heard this can piece together the rest, I’m sure.”
A face mire with confusion came over Sunset. “I… I don’t actually know what to think about any of this… or what to do…” she admitted.
“I do,” Twilight said.
Sunset gave her friend a warm smile. “Oh… well of course you do,” Sunset said, “you always know just what to say… erm… usually…”
Twilight nodded then looked Sunset Shimmer dead in the eye. “We should set fire to everyone here, then burn down the school for good measure.”
A series of confused and alarmed “What?”s erupted from the group, no more confused or alarmed than Sunset Shimmer’s.
Twilight thought for a moment. “No, no wait… that’s ludicrous.”
“I’ll say!” Sunset exclaimed.
Twilight continued, “We better destroy the planet and every living thing on it…”
Sunset worked her mouth for a few moments, words taking slightly longer to come out of it than usual. “Twi-Twilight… You’re the most forgiving, trusting person or pony I know!”
Twilight shrugged. “Friendship apparently means nothing in this world, I’m disappointed in basically everyone, and you know what?” Twilight pointed to herself with her thumb. “Princess of Friendship, bitches! I can’t have this way of thinking infecting anywhere else!” Twilight did an about face and walked towards the café’s door. “Come on, Sunset. Let’s go back to Equestria and figure out how to end this fucked up planet that’s apparently devoid of morality or rational thinking!”
“Uh… Okay!” Sunset said as she chased after Twilight. “But I think you’re missing the irony in your statement!”
“Don’t care!” Twilight said as the door closed behind Sunset causing the bell of the café to ring once more. “I’m thinking we make a spell that erases this entire plane of existence,” Twilight paused for a moment then added, “It’s the only way to be sure.”
“… Twilight, what the actual fuck?”
Well!
Or maybe…
The bell of the shop’s front door rang.
“It wasn’t us!”
“Huh… that’s new!” Pinkie quipped as the CMC stood before the rest of the girls, something human-shaped and a bit larger than them tied up under a tarp with a burlap sack over its head.
“What in tarnation is going on here?!” Applejack demanded.
“We caught her!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed. “We caught the real Anon-a-Miss!”
Sunset gave the three girls in front of her a skeptical look. “Girls, I really wish it wasn’t you, but you’re the only logical suspects!”
“But what about illogical!” Scootaloo suggested.
Sunset Shimmer groaned. “I tried that already. I accused everyone at school!” Sunset hugged herself and shivered. “Even Principal Celestia… She didn’t stop crying for hours because she was so hurt…”
“Everyone except ONE!” Apple Bloom said. With that, the girls took off the sack.
Everyone gasped.
“Nurse Redheart!” Sunset exclaimed.
“Bleh! It’s me!” Nurse Redheart said.
“But… but how?!” Sunset exclaimed. “And more importantly, why?!”
Redheart smiled evilly. “For the blood!” Her smile faded slightly. “I mean… I’d have thought that was pretty obvious.”
Faces tightened across the room.
“I don’t understand,” Sunset said.
“Oh! Well, I guess it wasn’t obvious then!”
“You said you already had a huge stockpile!”
“Yesssssss!” Redheart hissed. “But it wasn’t enough! I needed more! Even with the friendship games coming up, the occasional magic attacks, the frankly, incredibly… just incredibly irresponsible things we let our students do in general at school… I still needed more! And you, Sunset Shimmer… you were the perfect scapegoat! All I had to do was make an amazingly obvious site that pointed to you so hard, you’d have to be woozy from constant blood loss to even suspect it could be you!”
Sunset’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, you clever bitch!”
Nurse Redheart’s smile grew even wider, showing off a pair of pointed fangs in her mouth.
“But why me?!” Sunset demanded. “You caused all this drama by opening one little My Stable page! Even without making me a suspect, the school would have no doubt descended into the chaos it did anyway.”
“Oh! Uhhh…. Hrmmm…” Redheart shrugged. “You got me there. Fuck you, in particular, I guess?”
Sunset grumbled in annoyance. “Okay, but how? How did you find out about AJ’s nickname or get the pictures from my phone?!”
“Haven’t you figured it out?!” Redheart cried. “I’m a fuck mothering vampire!” And with an evil laugh that echoed off the walls of the café, Redheart’s body seemed to disappear in a puff of white smoke, only to be replaced by a large albino bat that hovered over the crumpled sheet and ropes.
The room filled with mysterious mist, the girls all began to cough and sputter.
“Cough-cough-She’s escaping!” Twilight exclaimed as she pointed towards the café door.
“Ahahahahahaha!” Bat Redheart smacked directly into the closed door. ‘Thump!’ “Ow!” ‘Thump!’ “Shit! I didn’t think this through! ‘Thump!’ “Gha! I don’t have any hands…” She flapped and turned around to face the girls. “Little help?”
“Are you outta yer cotton pickin’ mind?!” Applejack exclaimed as she tossed her hands in the air.
“Yeah, I gotcha,” Sunset said as she walked over towards the door.
“What?!” Applejack exclaimed. “Sunset! What the actual fuck?!”
“It’s fine,” Sunset said. “I just want this to be over.”
With a ring of the café bell, the door was open.
Redheart gave out a triumphant laugh. “Over?! Oh, my poor, naive, girls! It has only JUST begun!”
Sunset rolled her eyes as she held the door open. “Would you leave, already?”
With that, Nurse Redheart flew outside. “HAHAHAH-AHHHH!”
And into direct sunlight.
“Fuck! FUCK! I forgot it was daytime outside! Ahhh! And there go my wings! Shit!”
‘Plop!’
“And my torso… and my he-”
Smiling smugly to herself, Sunset let the door close and clapped her hands to together in a quick rubbing motion.
For a few moments, no one said anything.
Pinkie walked over and leaned over the three freshman girls. “It’s okay!” she said as she placed her hands on Sweetie Belle’s and Scootaloo’s shoulders as she looked down at Apple Bloom. “You three can say it this time.”
The three girls looked at each other, then stared at the now closed café door as they watched what looked like a large pile of ash began to blow away outside.
“What the actual fuck?”
But here’s what really happened…
The bell of the shop’s front door rang.
“It wasn’t us!”
“Oh, this again!” Pinkie exclaimed as the CMC stood before the rest of the girls, something round, human-shaped, and quite a bit larger than them tied up under a tarp with a burlap sack over its head.
“What in tarnation is going on here?!” Applejack demanded.
“We caught him!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
“Him!” Pinkie said excitedly. “That’s new!”
“We caught the real Anon-a-Miss!”
Sunset gave the three girls in front of her a skeptical look. “Girls, I really wish it wasn’t you, but you’re the only logical suspects!”
“But what about illogical!” Scootaloo suggested.
Sunset Shimmer groaned. “I tried that already. I accused everyone at school!” Sunset hugged herself and shivered. “Even Principal Celestia… She didn’t stop crying for hours because she was so hurt…”
Pinkie frowned. “Okay, but we heard all that before…”
“But it wasn’t someone from school!” Apple Bloom said. With that, the girls took off the sack.
Everyone gasped.
“Middle-aged man Pander Bun!” Sunset exclaimed.
Twilight looked the light-skinned bespectacled man with a goatee and close-cropped hair that began slightly past his forehead. “… Who?”
“What!” Pander Bun scoffed once, twice, then a third time. “Middle-aged?!”
Sunset raised an eyebrow. “But why, though?” she raised a palm to the air. “More importantly, how?”
“He did it with this!” Apple Bloom exclaimed as she produced a perfectly smooth sphere that glowed a dull, brown color.
Sunset and her friends of Canterlot High all inched forward and peered at the mysterious item. “Okay…” Sunset said. “What the hell is that!”
Twilight gasped. “The ID-10-T ball!”
Everyone turned and looked at Twilight.
Twilight continued. “It’s an ancient artifact created by the mage Ignoramus Dunce the Twit! The tenth and only successful artifact he ever created.”
Sunset’s eyes shifted to her right. “Oh… I remember that. He created an item to dumb down all his peers because he was tired of not being the smartest… Also, probably because his parents named him ‘Ignoramus Dunce’ and he was understandably pissed off about that.” Sunset turned back to Pander. “Okay, but why?”
Pander offered Sunset a weak smile. “Well, in the right hands, I found that the ID-10-T tool can be a powerful narrative tool!”
“…That is not at all what I asked,” Sunset said. “Also… I disagree vehemently at least with the implication that your hands are the right ones! I mean… This was, hands down, the worst week of my life and that includes the time I nearly destroyed the school and tried to take over Equestria!”
Pander sighed. “Well… it was necessary.”
“For what?!”
“To teach you the true meaning of family.”
Sunset paused. “I… I literally figured that out the night before you started fucking up my life.” Sunset produced her journal and opened it. “HERE!” she said pointing to the words ‘I feel like I finally have a family again.’
Pander frowned. “Okay well… Look… I wanted to do this before the sirens attacked, but… time makes fools of us all!”
Sunset narrowed her eyes. “I’m going to stab you now!”
“Wait a minute!” Pander exclaimed. “I mean… think about it! Had this happened before you saved the school, this would have made waaaay more sense.”
The girls thought for a moment.
“Erm… I guess it would be harder to trust Sunset before she proved herself,” Fluttershy admitted.
Rarity glanced at the journal in Sunset’s hand. “And she wouldn’t be able to write Twilight in the journal…”
“See, see!” Pander said, nodding enthusiastically.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “That wouldn’t explain why my sister and her friends started posting everyone’s secrets, though.”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes crossed for a moment. “Or why Scootaloo even got involved? I mean... she really likes me!”
Sweetie Belle spoke up, "More like worships the ground you walk on!" Sweetie Belle nodded to Scootaloo who was busy petting a hairbrush filled with loose strands of hair the color of the rainbow and whispering sweet nothings to it. She quickly noticed she was the center of attention and hid the brush behind her with an embarrassed smile.
"Uh..." Rainbow Dash quickly knocked back the rest of her shake as if the sugary, sweet substance could erase what she just saw. "As I was saying... showing everyone I got an 'F' just sucks! It doesn't help me spend time with anyone!" Rainbow Dash shook her head. "I mean, what the actual fuck? ...In regards to that and that thing I just had to see right now..."
“No wait!” Pander exclaimed. “You’re thinking about it too hard!”
Sunset spoke up, “Or why it took me almost an entire week to figure out a logical culprit when I knew it couldn’t have been me…”
“Or how I got completely cheated out of any bullying whatsoever!”
Everyone stopped and stared at Pinkie.
“Pinkie, you don’t have any shame,” Sunset pointed out. “That’s probably why you got left out.”
“Oh, yeah!” Pinkie said. “Okay… how about the fact that school faculty did nothing about any of this!”
“That’s a good point!” Twilight chimed in with a nod.
“Okay, okay!” Pander exclaimed. “So, I maybe could have thought things through better!”
“Maybe?!” Sunset sneered in disbelief.
“Look, it’s okay!” Pander said. “I got a nice, sweet ending, completely devoid of unfortunate implications in mind! All you have to do is untie me and give me back that super-useful narrative tool that’s not at all a crutch!”
Sunset turned and looked at her friends. “I don’t know girls, what do you think?”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Ah say Ah’ll hold him down and ya’ll take turns working him over.’”
“What?! HEY!” Pander exclaimed.
Sunset pointed at Applejack. “Now THAT’S the kind of family I want to be part of!”
“Noooo! Twilight! Please stop this!” Pander pleaded.
Twilight glared back at Pander. “The Princess of Friendship abides.”
“Ahhh! NO! NO!”
‘POW!’
“OW!”
Twilight shrugged. “Maybe next time don’t fuck with my friends and my heads.”
‘SMACK!’
“OW!”
“FLUTTERSHY HELP!” Pander cried.
“Erm, we’re going to fuck your shit up, now… even if that’s not okay with you.”
‘KICK!’
“OW! Oh that’s it! I will have my REVENGE!”
‘CLOBBER!’
“AHH! I MEAN IT! I’M GOING TO WRITE A STAR SWIRL THE BEARDED RAP OFF WITH THE DAZZLINGS STORY!”
‘THUD!’
“Ghhhh! Hahahaha-OUCH!- and there’s not a DAMN thing-AHHHH-that you or anyone else can do about-GRRRK-it!”
-~A few years later~-
“Stygian was a pony like the rest of us, though more scholar than hero. He recognized our emerging world would need champions to defend it.”
Pander stared at the TV screen dejectedly. “Awwww, man!”
The End