//------------------------------// // Never Forget // Story: The Olden World // by Czar_Yoshi //------------------------------// Hemlock was nowhere to be seen as Maple and Starlight exited Arambai's house and started down the stairs to the street. That was good. Starlight didn't really want to deal with him right then. "Are you okay?" she asked Maple once their hooves touched the glass, glancing up at her adoptive mother in concern. Maple folded her ears, looking glumly at the astral ground. "No. I wish I was. I feel like I should be better. I worked so hard, and so did all of my friends, and I still... still have triggers everywhere that I just freeze up at, or get all worked up and..." She huffed a sigh. "It's not fair. I should be happy for her. I can think it, I can try to feel it, but I just..." Reaching out a foreleg, she pulled Starlight close, holding her but not meeting her eyes. "Now I'm feeling bad about myself. I'm sorry, Starlight. You deserve better... but I haven't been okay in years." Starlight frowned. "Maple..." She wasn't sure what to say in a situation like this, and wasn't even sure she fully understood what went wrong, but could tell Maple needed a reset or distraction and knew how to do that. "Can you give me a ride home?" Maple sniffed, straightening her back and legs. "I should be strong enough to do that," she said with a slight smile. "Hop on, Starlight." Starlight jumped, landing and curling into a familiar position with her legs dangling off either side and her head pressed against the side of Maple's neck, her mane partially covering her like a blanket. "Does this help?" she asked, pressing in as Maple started walking. "Maybe." Maple didn't sound enthusiastic, but she wasn't as sad as before. "I don't know, Starlight. I'm just... rattled." "What happened?" Starlight asked, hoping she could talk through it. "With White Chocolate? Or me?" Maple kept her head straight, hooves clicking against the glass, but Starlight could tell it took conscious effort. "You." Starlight assumed White Chocolate's foal was coming, but it was Maple she was worried about. Maple shivered, bowed her head and said nothing. "Or... whatever you want to talk about?" Starlight shrugged, rubbing a hoof through Maple's chest fur to try to cheer her up. "...I told you about Aspen, didn't I?" Maple asked after a silence, head still down and voice quiet. Starlight had to focus to hear her over the distant din of Gerardo in the plaza, but it was doable. She nodded. "She was my foal," Maple explained anyway, breathing tense and shallow. "That I was going to have. My husband left when I found out and told him I was expecting. I... broke. I was left carrying a foal on my own. Maybe I didn't take care of myself right, or something, but... she came many months too early. She was already dead by the time I saw her. That happened while I was already down. I didn't need to be kicked again. I couldn't take it. I... I..." She sagged, then collapsed against the sheltered side of a house, grabbing Starlight off her back and hugging as tightly as she could, burying her face in Starlight's coat and shaking with sobs. "I'm sorry! I..." Starlight hung there limply, letting herself be used as a tissue. Maple needed it, and she could take it. It wasn't like this wasn't a regular occurrence already. Eventually, when Maple started to calm, she asked, "Would you feel better doing this at home? I've never teleported two ponies before, but I can try." "No..." Maple sniffed, lifting her face and wiping her eyes, leaving several wet spots on Starlight's coat. "I can walk. I'm glad everyone is at the plaza right now, though. I don't need ponies to see me like this." Starlight brushed back a part of her mane that had fallen out of place, tucking it behind an ear. "Okay," she said, standing up. "Does talking help?" "I don't know," Maple choked, sitting upright but not continuing on her way. "Maybe. I'm just frustrated. I keep thinking I'm better, wanting to be better, wanting it to be over... and look how much just saying what happened to her trips me up." She swallowed. "I want to love foals. New life! New life is good. But every time I see a newborn, I remember what I lost. I can manage that. Every time I see a mare who's going to be a mother, it gets harder. I see them where I was, see them losing..." She clenched her eyes briefly, then reopened them. "It's part of why I had such a strong reaction to meeting White Chocolate, and why I couldn't just let us be safe after that second day. She reminded me of myself and my friends too much already. Wanting to help someone who makes you nervous is hard. But I make myself manage. I have to. But then... whenever I'm reminded that foals have to be born..." She shuddered again, leaning back against Starlight. "It's like I'm there again. I remember everything, and then they're dead. I can't unsee it. Can't unhear it. Can't unfeel it. And I know I get triggered, and can feel it coming and there's nothing I can do to stop it, even though I've tried and tried everything me and Amber and Willow can think of. It's not fair. I have to believe good things can happen and the world can go right, and I do, and I know that I'm happy for her that she gets to have a foal and that that's a good thing, but it still hurts! It's not fair..." "The world isn't fair," Starlight told her, a slight note of dour triumph in her voice she was instantly ashamed of. "Good thing you have friends who can relate." "Mmm..." Maple nuzzled her, eyes closed again. "I remember when Willow had her first two foals. I was worried, confused and scared, seeing her in pain. I was anxious, nervous, and excited... and when it was all over, it was wonderful. I got to hold the foals and see how special it was. It made such a big impact on me... It was times like those that convinced me I wanted a family some day. I'm certain I've told you others. But when her third was born... I couldn't even be there for it. Amber came to get me and I made it all the way to the door to her room before I turned and ran away. Probably one of the only times I ran that year..." She sighed. "I wish I could relate to her. I wish I could be properly happy for her, but look at me! White Chocolate has one little cramp and I freeze up and run away again. I should go back and be there for her. I'll feel bad about it if I don't, but I don't think I can. I know she'd like to see me. Maybe you should crystal me to stop me from running, or... no. You shouldn't be using your magic for that long. I wish I could just accept that this might never get better for me..." The sum of Starlight's knowledge on everything Maple was talking about was small enough she could fit it atop her hoof. The entire process of having foals wasn't something little fillies had any business knowing about, and she had never seen a newborn, either. She wasn't a parent, had never thought about being a parent beyond playing with dolls and figurines when she was smaller, and aside from Willow and White Chocolate, had never even gotten to know any ponies who were parents themselves, mares or otherwise. But once again, she did know about Maple, and had a good idea of what to ask. "You want to accept that you can't get better, and not do anything about it?" Starlight frowned, putting on her most determined, pouty face. "How would you feel if I had accepted that my life in Equestria wasn't worth trying to improve, and never came here?" Maple almost laughed, though it was still mixed with a sob. "I know. Things do improve. I'm just being silly, aren't I?" She climbed to her hooves, motioned at her back, and started walking. "Come on. Let's get on home." Starlight frowned, hopping on anyway. "Silly? No." "Hmm." Maple exhaled. "I don't know, Starlight. But this isn't the only thing that triggers me. Husbands leaving their wives... That one, I get furious just thinking about. I watch for it without even consciously trying. When we were in Ironridge, around ponies in the Stone District or Blueleaf, I saw so many couples and was just fine... but every time we passed by a couple who kept an extra pace of distance between each other, or where the stallion's eyes would wander when anyone passed by, I noticed. At least I can still keep moving when I'm mad." "Maybe you need to do something still about your old husband?" Starlight suggested. "Doesn't he still live in Riverfall? Maybe you need some kind of closure?" Maple sighed. "Amber broke his teeth, and we haven't found or looked for him after that. What would I even do if I met him again? He broke my heart and my mind and killed our daughter, so I can't forgive him. I hate even thinking about killing him, though when I'm especially down, I sometimes imagine it anyway..." She swallowed dryly. "And what else would I do? Besides, even if seeing someone again could give me closure, Aspen..." She hung her head, but kept walking. "I killed a lot of ponies on the dam when I blew it up and washed away Sosa," Starlight told her, voice strong. "I don't regret it and would do it again, if the same things were at stake and I knew only what I knew then. It feels weird to think about, but I'm okay with it now." "I can't imagine what that's like," Maple murmured. Starlight shrugged atop her back. "I can't imagine a lot of the stuff you're talking about." Hesitating, she added, "I still love you." "I love you too," Maple purred, finally breathing normally and talking without a hitch in her voice. "I'm glad I met you, Starlight. Having you... helps. A lot." "Mhmm." Starlight nuzzled back into her neck. "Whooo..." Maple exhaled, picking up her pace and trying to put a spring in her step. "Maybe I did need to talk about that. I feel like a log jam broke in my mind and my thoughts are moving again and..." She trailed off into a happy hum, and then a sad sigh. Starlight rested limply, not making an effort to move. "So you're feeling better?" "For now," Maple said. "Not forever. Maybe not even until tonight, though I hope it lasts longer than that. And definitely not enough to go back to Arambai's and check on White Chocolate. It still hurts. I just..." She closed her eyes. "Sorry if I lost you, though. It's hard to relate to being unable to convince yourself to get up and move, isn't it?" "Huh?" Starlight shook her head. "No, I just don't know much about how having foals works. I got how you felt." "Oh!" Maple turned slightly red. "I guess I forgot, and... right. This is usually a conversation I have with Willow, and... it's all something you should worry and learn about later. Sorry. I'm still learning how to be a good mom..." "But you're trying," Starlight mumbled, closing her eyes and letting herself ride out the bumping of Maple's steps. "Right?" "And you're being patient," Maple answered. "Everything will be all right..." Starlight wasn't sure if that was addressed to her or Maple, but treated it as both. There was still plenty of time left in the day, and her brain was already working on some way to help ensure things got better. White Chocolate? She wasn't sure she could do anything with her. Maple's old husband, though? That was a topic that had come up, and she couldn't tell if Maple spending less time talking about it meant it was more or less painful, but she had no reservations about anything when it came to helping her friends. Maybe she could do something there. Maybe Jamjars could help; she was good at tracking down ponies that didn't want to be found. Maybe she could find him, and... make something better...