//------------------------------//
// I Need a Break From These Ups and Downs 
// Story: Letters from an Irritated Princess 
// by Tired Old Man 
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Dear Strawberry Sunrise,

I received a Hearts and Hooves package today with a smudged shipping label of two images, one I can’t make any sense of followed by a picture of a rising sun. Whatever the first image was, presumably a fruit, has now been smudged into a mushy jam. Part of me thinks this came to me because of typical Ponyville Postal package handling, and another part recognizes the sheer idiocy of delivering a package via pictogram. No address or anything, just a picture and a dream!

But let’s get back to reality. I have a strong suspicion this package was meant for you. I can’t conclusively prove it, but the sender of this package was… very forward and “in your face” with this declaration of their feelings for you. They also wrote a note that was stuffed inside their gooey and sweet gift filled with words that will likely make you tingly and red-faced with overwhelming emotion.

Alas, the sweet gift was destroyed in an accident. But worry not, Miss Sunrise. I’ve taken the liberty of including that note in the new present I’ve wrapped and forwarded on to you. I’ve taken some steps in an effort to preserve the original gift’s unique delivery system so as to keep the intent of your Hearts and Hooves present unmarred by unfortunate circumstances, and as such you won’t be able to read my note until it’s far too late. But believe me when I say once you receive this package and open it, your mind will undoubtedly fixate upon the true sender and how you’ll return the gesture.

Happy Hearts and Hooves Day,

Princess Celestia


~~~


Dear Applejack,

So, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is the package you intended to send to Strawberry Sunrise had taken a slight detour, but I happily rerouted it to the proper recipient with a name written in smudge-resistant ink. She may receive it later this afternoon or by tomorrow morning.

The bad news is I ordered a whole pallet of frozen strawberry shortcake dessert that’s supposed to arrive at my castle by the end of the day. However, I might have mixed up that order with another shipment of Cranky Flank Cream I ordered for Granny Smith. On the off chance that happened, can you do me a favor and not immediately burn my desserts at the stake? Please have Granny send me a note they’ve arrived, and I’ll pick them up ASAP.

Thanks in advance,

Princess Celestia

P.S. That order may also contain a massive tub of strawberry cream cheese. Again, no touchy.

Ah, Luna. So how goes your hunt for prospective suitors on this fine day of love marketi—ye gods, that is a ginormous basket of roses! Was that from one?

Oh, so you’re gathering roses from your suitors. Well, how many do you have so far? That’s gotta be one, two… at least two hundred from this angle.

Add a zero? What do you… no, two thousand?! Ye gods, how are you even going to start narrowing down that number?

...Luna, I can think of at least five or six less invasive ways to filter them than “see what they would do to me in their dreams.” But if that works for you, by all means go through with it—these aren’t my suitors to sort. However, I do have another suggestion. How about having them fill out a simple little questionnaire?

Ugh, yes, you can ask what they would do with you in a candlelit bedroom at night as one of the questions. Just be prepared for answers your eyes wish they could unsee. That goes double for your dream probing.