Dear Starlight,
I can not believe what a whiny little bitch you were when Sunburst spent more time with your friends than he did you. You know, I didn't think you were like that. I didn't know you were a complete loser who would throw a fit over a fucking boy. Damn you're weak, horribly weak. If Sunburst were an attractive mare, I could understand but come on, you threw a fit over an ugly as fuck colt not wanting to spend time with you? Hell with the way you were behaving the past couple days I wouldn't want to hang around you either.
You need to get your priorities straight Starlight. Remember, you have Trixie and you certainly don't want to send her any messages that you bat for the wrong team now do you? If you need a good talking to, if you need to be reminded that going after undesirables is a serious crime or if you just need advice from a sexy Alicorn, remember, I'm here, alright?
Upset You Whined Over an Undesirable,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
What the hell are you talking about? Yes I went to the train station but Trixie, Maud and I caught the 1145 up to Canterlot because we had appointments with Dr. Colgate and then a special "after hours appointment" with her and your old friends. Yes Maud was at a disadvantage since she was the only non-unicorn but hey, it was likely the most fun she had ever had in her entire life.
You know, I did talk to Thorax and told him to send changelings to duplicate the three of us so Sunburst wouldn't feel quite so pathetic. From what it sounds like the one that decided to be a duplicate of me did a rather lousy job in trying to be like me. I'll be sure to have Thorax reprimand that one for making me look like a miserable, pathetic weakling or perhaps all three of them for pretending to give a shit about him.
If you run across him again be sure and tell him that those were changelings pretending to be us three and that the real us doesn't give a shit abut him. Perhaps if we are lucky he will wander into the Ursa's cave and become bear food.
Upset With a Changeling that Made Me Look Bad,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Sunburst,
Starlight told me to tell you something very important. You know how it seemed like her and her friends liked you so much? Well that is not the case, those were actually changelings. Starlight, Trixie and Maud were actually up in Canterlot for dental appointments and then decided to have an orgy with my old friends.
A word of advice, quit trying to hook up with mares. With as ugly as you are, NO MARE will ever want you. Yes you are fun to hang around and shit but just like Starlight, I am a lesbian so don't go getting any ideas. Now I do have an idea for you, there is this horrendously ugly guard up there in the Crystal Empire that I think you might like, his name is Flash Sentry. I know you two will hit it off because you're both ugly, you're both losers and most importantly, both of you are dumb enough to try and get into lesbians' coats.
Hoping You'll Leave All Lesbians Alone,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
What, Starlight is a lesbian? I know her and Trixie are really close but I never knew they were an item and I always saw you as more of the type that was asexual and just needed a little push. Oh and regarding that guard, I am not a coltcuddler! Ok, I'll leave all the mares alone since no mare has ever given me the time of day but oh well, it is their loss.
Upset Starlight is a Lesbian,
Sunburst
Dear Thorax,
Let me start out by saying that I am incredibly pissed. You want to know something, from what Twilight told me the changeling that I told you to have emulate me made me look like a desperate pathetic little bitch who bats for the wrong team! Next time you have a changeling emulate me, remember I am a lesbian, ok and be sure to have it portray me as such.
I just hope that Twilight sets that loser straight and makes sure he knows that I don't give a shit about him. If not, you will be the one to suffer. I will have Pharynx overthrow you, have the whole hive revert back to how they used to be and then send the whole swarm up to the Crystal Empire to drain every ounce of life out of Sunburst.
Upset a Changeling Portrayed Me in a Negative Light,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight,
Look, I'm sorry. Next time you want me to send changelings to have to interact with an undesirable, just come down here and tell them exactly how to behave, ok? Oh and regarding the hive reverting back to how they used to be and Pharynx overthrowing me, ain't going to happen. I secretly kept some of my dark magic and if they even try, I'll punish them in any way I see fit.
Upset You Want Me to Be Overthrown,
King Thorax
Dear Sunburst,
I'm sure Twilight has told you about how that wasn't really me that acted like I cared about you, right? You see, here is the thing. I simply don't give a shit about you. Now do yourself a favor and go after that guard Twilight told you about, perhaps he will give a shit about you.
Not Giving a Shit About You,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight,
Well no shit, I already knew that. Twilight told me about the whole changeling thing and I know you were up in Canterlot having an orgy with Trixie, Maud and Twilight's old friends. I get it, I'm not even good enough for you to hang around anymore so you sent a fucking changeling to take your place. You know what, the hell with you, Trixie and Maud.
Upset,
Sunburst
P.S. Oh and you are just like Twilight, thinking I'm a coltcuddler. Hell you probably wish I were so you would be guaranteed to never have to worry about me hitting on you, right? Oh well, it isn't like I'm losing anything anyway.
Dear Sunburst,
I heard about the whole incident involving Starlight being a lesbian, the changelings and Twilight being a lesbian too and I must say I feel bad for you. I remember the devastation I felt when I discovered Twilight prefers the company of other mares and I was thinking we could talk sometime.
I'm not sure if you'd be up for it or not but I could always drop by and pay you a visit since they don't let civilians on the base. Hell I'll even bring my pet snake Flashy if you'd be up for it.
Sincerely,
Flash Sentry
P.S. Could you lose the cape because Flashy doesn't like things that get in the way. He would very much appreciate that.
Dear Flash Sentry,
Yeah I'd be up for that and I find it really cool that you have a pet snake. I do have one question though, is he venomous? Is he aggressive? Even if he is, I'm sure a little snakebite would be preferable to having to put up with changelings and mares who rub it in my face that they are lesbians.
Ready to Meet Your Pet Snake,
Sunburst
Dear Princess Celestia,
You are going to be very proud of Starlight. You know that undesirable she was friends with when she was a filly? Well he decided to come down and visit but get this, Starlight had Thorax send up some changelings to emulate herself, Trixie and Maud and they actually made him think that somepony truly cares about him. What a sight that was, seeing that butt ugly freak think that a mare was actually interested in him.
Now I am sure you are wondering where Starlight was but she informed me that she had a dental appointment and then a special "after hours appointment." I know what happened there but hey, I'm proud of her for doing what she did. Now I suggested that little freak go and try and hook up with Flash Sentry but he claims he isn't a coltcuddler but I don't really believe him. Oh well, as long as he doesn't go hitting on me or any other mares from now on all will be good.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
Regarding Starlight and her friends, I know what happened. They all broke into your old study tower and had your old friends join them. I swear, they were so damn loud they kept the whole town awake. Now I wanted to go and join them but I figured it would be more fun to just listen to them and laugh as nopony got any sleep.
Now I am disappointed in you though. I am disappointed that you didn't go throw this Sunburst idiot in the dungeon and torture him. I saw him when nopony trusted Thorax in the Empire and personally I think you should have searched him for drugs. He reminds me of that type, an intellectual that is probably high all the time. I am issuing you a challenge Twilight and if you fail me, I will ascend Trixie and make her more powerful than you. Next time you have to put up with Sunburst, search him. If you find drugs on him, torture him alongside that junkie you already have in your dungeon.
Disappointed in You,
Princess Celestia