Dear Princess Celestia,
I am very upset right now. My parents wound up winning a zeppelin cruise but they were too stupid to read the fine print so Iron Will was able to force Cadence and I to take part in all these crazy "princess duties" since it was supposed to be the "Cruise of the Princesses." Thanks to him, I was not able to try and charm Cadence back into my sleeping chambers.
To make matters worse, all these idiot cruise ponies caused me to miss the Northern Stars. I have a question, could you make Princess Luna just create them for Ponyville so I can see them? It would be much appreciated.
Upset With Iron Will,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
Let me start out by saying that I am very disappointed in you. I basically raised you and you didn't even bother to invite me. Hell, you spent more time with me as a filly than you did your biological parents! I am very upset and I think the time has come to fine your parents again. I haven't fined them in a while so I think 100,000 bits for this mistake should suffice.
Oh and tell your parents they really need to read the fine print when signing contracts like that. Had they done so, they would not have me paying them a visit demanding their money!
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
P.S. I talked to Luna and she said she will not just do that for you. She takes a great amount of pride in how she handles the night sky and is not about to alter things just to make you happy.
Dear Iron Will,
How could you do this? How could you just offer my parents a prize that would cause me to not be able to seduce Cadence? Do you realize what a pain in the ass all that was and how awful it was to miss the Northern Stars? To make matters worse, you curse a fancolt upon me who basically clung to me like he had a damn crush on me or something. As a princess of Equestria, I should fine you into the ground so you won't be scamming ponies like this anymore.
Upset With You,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
Your parents signed the prize acceptance paperwork without reading the fine print. Iron Will would suggest that to avoid future situations like this that you have them read the fine print. Also, Iron Will knows what attention whores you and Cadence were so he figured that everypony would love a "Cruise of the Princesses."
Sincerely,
Iron Will
P.S. You are wanting to screw Cadence again? Iron Will knows that you are an attention whore but Iron Will thought that even you would not want the negative attention that would come from showing up on Iron Will's show again. Iron Will does have a suggestion, do it! Iron Will's ratings went through the roof over that show and his show would do even better if you create more drama on Iron Will's show again!
Dear Princess Twilight,
Did I ever tell you that my favorite time of day is twilight? Also, I know you probably aren't interested but I have a crush on you and I am wondering if you would be my marefriend.
Hoping You'll Say Yes,
Star Tracker
Dear Star Tracker,
Look, I'm flattered. I really am but I'll put this as gently as possible, I only like other mares. Maybe you would be the annoying little brother I would hang out with once every hundred moons but sorry, a relationship ain't going to happen.
Your Favorite LESBIAN Princess,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Maybe Cadence will give you a chance. She has cheated on my brother before so I'm sure she'll do it again.
Dear Cadence,
Can you believe that Iron Will. He tricked my parents into signing something that would force us to entertain all those commoners? Here I was hoping that I could maybe con you into some make-up sex. Perhaps we can meet up sometime and rekindle that sister-in-law relationship we used to have.
Hoping to Screw You Again,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Look, I will NOT start putting out for you again or anypony else for that matter. Shining Armor has finally forgiven me for the whole cheating fiasco and I am not about to risk my marriage over you. Yes we had a lot of fun in the sack and you are really good but I'm not like you anymore. True commitment is important to me and I will not just go whore myself out to anypony.
Why don't you go and beg Starlight for sex? Yes I know her and Trixie are an item but maybe they will dominate you in a three way. Who knows, you may show her such a good time she'll give you a discount on the next Daring Do book. It is highly unlikely but maybe!
Not Putting Out for You,
Princess Cadence