Church wandered the halls of the facility he found himself in, doing his best to maintain focus even as the entire facility was out of focus. He was certain that if he kept following the directions in his HUD about where to go, he'd get to somewhere that could help him. He stopped in front of what looked like a computer terminal. "Here's hoping this spot is important..." he murmured irritably as he struggled to make sense of his surroundings anew. Unfortunately, the computer terminal turned out to be a door control, but he went through the door anyway.
A much more impressive computer terminal-looking spot lit up at his approach. "Hello," it greeted in a synthesized voice, the word appearing on the screen at the same time. "You are early."
"Me?" Church asked in shock.
"You are not supposed to be here for another 1,856 years," the terminal explained firmly.
"Well, at least I know how far back I am," Church murmured worriedly. "Maud must be freaking out..."
"...Maud?" the computer asked in confusion.
"My daughter," Church explained readily.
The computer was silent for a time. "The designation does not compute," the computer allowed finally. "This is not accurate to the predictions imbued into this facility's databanks. M.A.U.D. does not equal C."
"...I can't argue with that," Church allowed uncertainly.
"...deliberation confirmed," the computer finally allowed. "C equals N.C. M.A.U.D. equals S.C. This is acceptable."
"...what is this place, anyway?" Church demanded, deciding to get to something he could actually understand. "All I know is that there's some sort of temporal instability here."
"This is the housing facility for the great weapon," the computer explained. "I am the keeper of the great weapon. You are the great destroyer. You will demolish this facility, kill me, steal the great weapon, and bring about the great doom for billions of people."
Church stared, unsure how to respond to this.
"Welcome!" the computer continued. "How may I be of assistance?"
"...you could try making sense?" Church suggested nervously.
"I am sorry," the computer responded, "but I am an ancient computer system built into a facility that exists partially outside of time and programmed based on prophecy. It is beyond my capabilities to 'make sense'."
"Well that makes sense," Church grumbled irritably.
"Negative, it makes dollars."
"What's the difference?" Church demanded angrily. "That's just a joke, anyway!"
"Negative," the computer responded. "In the language of this facility's creators, 'dollars' was a term for the sort of sense that isn't actually useful and just gets on everyone's nerves when it is pointed out."
Church rubbed his face in frustration. "So...can you summarize what you told me before?"
"Your coming has been foretold by the great prophecy," the computer explained.
"...any adjectives other than Great in your programming?" he asked ruefully.
"The Great Prophecy declares that the Great Destroyer will be a being of Blue and Grey," the computer elucidated helpfully.
Church glanced down at his armor. He was grey with blue hoofprints, after all. "Anything else?"
"The Great Destroyer is said to warp all around them, until fate itself bends to its will," the computer explained readily.
"...oh dear god, it's Maud..." Church murmured in awe. "I need to find some way of getting in contact with her."
"I can record a message for her," the computer offered.
"Alright, here goes..." Church cleared his throat. "...is it recording?"
"Confirmed."
"Maud, can you hear me?" Church spoke clearly. "This is Dad. I'm...2000 or so years in the past, somehow. Don't try and get to me, I'll figure out my own way of getting back to you. Also, the facility you're in right now? Get out. For some reason, the culture that built it sees you as some sort of bringer of the apocalypse. Also, there's some sort of glowy weapon stored there. Don't touch it...and if you do, don't bring it into the main building. If you do, the whole place will lock down. Apparently, there's a prophecy that says you'll destroy the facility and kill billions of people. I don't believe you'd do so intentionally, but I know both how much power you can bring to bear and how easily you can wrap people around your hoof, so I don't want to rule out a catastrophic accident. And...if you can't prevent the apocalypse from being kicked off, at least make sure you and Tex survive...and anyone else you think should make it, as long as you make sure Tucker loses a testicle or something."
"Message recorded," the computer offered. "Do you think it will work?"
"Honestly, I give it 50/50 odds she tries to set off the apocalypse deliberately upon hearing the message, just to see what it looks like," Church allowed ruefully. "She's too much her mother's daughter in that way. Still, there are other people around her she cares about, so maybe things will work out."
The Reds, Blues, Maud, and Texas stared at the computer as the message ended. Nearby, the bomb continued to tick down as the locked down doors sealed off all natural exits. Eventually, it was Texas who spoke up. "So...walk out the giant hole Manticore Prime blasted in the wall? Pretty sure we'll be fine that way."
"I thought the message said...not to destroy the facility," Caboose pointed out. "Doesn't that mean we should take the bomb outside, then come back in and hold the place?"
"We did take it with very little fuss and fanfare," Sarge pointed out ruefully. "There's no sign of Doc or Lopez anywhere! Not even that Zealot."
"I have a suggestion," Grif spoke up in a falsely happy tone. "How about we debate the pros and cons of each possible action ad nauseum until the timer on the bomb ticks down to nothing, and then we get blown up along with the facility, so there's no one to stop Armageddon? Because that would fit right in with how we do things normally!"
"I can stop the bomb clock just by holding it outside time," Maud pointed out dryly. "That gives us plenty of time."
"Hey, that's cheating!" the bomb complained irritably.
Everyone turned to stare. "Did that bomb just talk?" Texas asked in shock.
Church thought for a time. "On second thought, maybe I ought to take some sort of action," he mused thoughtfully. "Maybe go back to the old bases, change a few things. I might be able to keep us from ever being sent there. Can you send me to Blood Gulch?"
"No," the computer allowed apologetically. "But working at full capacity, I could have a teleporter in aproximately 1,000 years."
"Alright, just gimme a minute," Church replied readily.
"...what are you doing?" the computer asked in confusion.
"Knowing drunk Simmons, this body's probably loaded with games and the like for passing time," Church allowed readily. "Probably far more than I'd ever need. So I'm putting my body into standby except for proximity sensors, a 1000 year alarm, and the auditory sensors in case you finish early."
"Are you sure?" the computer asked helpfully. "I know quite a few jokes."
"Nah, if all else fails, I can spend hours reliving individual seconds with Maud and Tex," Church allowed. His body went still.
"...sleep well," the computer offered thoughtfully.