Dear Princess Celestia,
Ok, I have decided that Spike needs to be replaced AGAIN. Get this, the little moron decided to invite Ember and Thorax to Ponyville on the same day. Now if you think that is bad what I'm going to tell you next will make you think even worse. He didn't think they'd get along so he also had all of us try to keep them apart. He thought Ember was too bad ass and Thorax was too much of a doormat for her to respect him.
Of course that wound up blowing up in his face but the good news, Thorax and Ember are friends now and Spike actually solved a friendship problem, one that he created. Now of course he is bloviating about how he completed a map mission and is being narcissistic as hell. He may have handled this one but I do know that if he had to put up with the shit I've had to, he would have failed miserably.
Oh and Ember tried to eat my castle so there are some damages that need to be taken care of. If you could get things fixed, I would much appreciate it.
Upset Ember Tried to Eat My Castle,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
You know, if I had a bit for every time you wanted to trade Spike in I would have enough money to put a golden statue of me in every single community in Equestria. I've said it way too much before and I will say it again, he is NOT a stagecoach, you can not trade him in.
Now regarding his stupidity, I suppose I can understand why you want to trade him in but look at it this way, at least Ember and Thorax are friends. Things could have gone straight to hell and the dragons and changelings could have gone to war.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Regarding the damage to your castle, I will not use federal funding to fix it. However, I have absolutely no problems fining your parents for you allowing a dragon to eat some of your castle so don't worry, it will get repaired eventually.
Dear Spike,
You know what, you were a little asshole to us. The fact that you thought we wouldn't get along because we are different is what truly irritates us. Hey, we have helped one another resolve our problems and we do have something in common. We are both leaders while all you will ever be is a slave to Princess Bitchy Pants. We will give you credit for one thing, you finally owned up to your mistakes and got your spikes to glow. For now though, don't try causing any more problems, alright?
Sincerely,
Dragon Lord Ember & Thorax....King of the Changelings
Dear Thorax and Ember,
I'm sorry, alright? I make mistakes and I shouldn't have got all these worse case scenarios in my head, I should have thought about what would go right. I am happy to see that you two are friends and there is peace between the dragons and changelings. I look forward to future visits.
Sincerely,
Spike
Dear Night Light and Twilight Velvet,
I have some absolutely spectacular news for you! Because of a dragon eating part of your daughter's castle and it needing repairs, I am hereby fining you 50,000 bits. Yes it is only a minor fine but hey, I've decided to be nice for a change. What a shame that your daughter wasn't better when it came to magic though, she could have fixed it herself. Oh well, it sucks to be you doesn't it?"
Ready to Fine You Again,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
What, you're fining us over a dragon eating some of Twilight's castle? For fuck's sake, can't you fine the dragons instead, have that superstar student of hers fix it or get that Discord guy to go and fix it? You know something, one of these days you're going to bleed us dry and we won't be able to fix her fuck ups. I have an idea, fine the Crystal Empire instead. After all, they aren't hurting for money and Cadence did corrupt our daughter so she would have it coming.
Sick of Being Fined,
Night Light and Twilight Velvet