Dear Princess Celestia,
Ok, I have come to the conclusion that Pinkie must have something going for Prince Rutheford. As her friend I feel like I need to step in but I am getting too much amusement out of seeing her trying to woo a yak into bed. That is even worse than her obsession over Crash. Now am I going to get her to try to go back to simply wanting to get Crashie in bed? Nah, she knows Crash only has eyes for Spitfire.
Now I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea but the six of us decided to go up there in the middle of the night and clean Yakyakistan up after their idiotic citizens created an avalanche that buried their village. Now you see, it is things like that that cause me to think that us ponies are the superior species on this planet and that Alicorns are the master race.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
Seriously, Pinkie wants to get a yak in bed? I know that we have befriended them but good grief, that is downright sick! If those yak horns are too big for her small pony head, I'd hate to think about how big his rod is compared to her small pony opening. Damn and here I always thought Pinkie was a lesbian.
Wait a minute, I think that she may need to be replaced. After all, the six of you are all supposed to be lesbians! This could screw things up big time. Luckily though, you six don't have to worry about being element bearers anymore and it is up to Starlight to save Equestria now so its no biggie. I would advise you talk to her though and let her know that interspecies relationships are highly illegal in Equestria. My advice, torture her for a couple days. That should set her straight!
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Pink Pony,
Pink Pony the best kind of friend, Pink Pony help yaks without yaks asking.
Sincerely,
Prince Rutheford
Dear Yak Prince,
Pink Pony glad to help yaks. Even her friends happy to help yaks!
Sincerely,
Pink Pony
Dear Pinkie Pie,
I have received a rather troublesome report regarding who you may want to get in bed. For so long, I believed you wanted to get Crash in the sack but given your behavior and again, a report from an anonymous source, you are pursuing Prince Rutheford. Let me tell you something right now, interspecies relationships in Equestria are highly illegal, especially if it is going after a foreigner.
I will tell you this, the punishment for doing such a thing is extremely harsh. Pursuing romance with foreigners is already punishable with several weeks of torture but doing so with a foreigner that is not a pony is even worse. It could warrant the death penalty. Now I want to believe that you are being a good pony and only wanting to be friends with him and preserving the friendship between our nations but things just don't seem right. Now stop trying to get the yak prince in bed and maybe I'll spare the rod.
Waiting to Punish You,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am not trying to get Prince Rutheford in bed! We are simply good friends and unlike the rest of Equestria, I actually understand the yaks and I am our friendship ambassador with them. I can't simply be a bitch towards them like you would be. Unlike your gluttonous sunny flank, I care about the feelings of others, REGARDLESS of what species they are!
Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie
P.S. Also, could you please get Twilight to stop torturing that friend of Fluttershy's? I know she's a drug addict and Twilight still has an ax to grind with Fluttershy but still, ponies have done far worse than using and possessing drugs!
Dear Pinkie Pie,
Look, most of the other species of this world are assholes and don't deserve to have their feelings cared about. Also, Twilight is doing her job. It is her job to deal with lawbreakers, dissidents and undesirables. She has full authority to continue to torture that junkie until the day that miserable piece of shit breathes her last....to be honest, I hope she keeps it up! After all, she needs some way to release all that pent up anger.
Oh and you are right about ponies having done much worse things than being a junkie. You ate my cupcake when I brought Philomena to town and you ate my cake at that baking competition so should I order Twilight to start brutally torturing you?
Planning on Having Twilight Torture You,
Princess Celestia