Dear Princess Cadence,
To the Worst Sister-in-Law ever,
So a changeling was seen around the Empire, so fucking what? If you honestly think I truly give a shit you are delusional. The only reason I came up to the Empire is because I wanted to see MY DAUGHTER. The good thing, she was safe. Another good thing, the changeling was nice. The bad thing, you and my brother still don't trust me.
Look, I know things went to Tartarus on The Iron Will Show but hey, you're the one who brought this on yourself. Had you never let me screw you in the caves none of this would have ever happened, right? What I will find hilarious is when my brother gets old and he can't get it up anymore and you wind up having to hoof yourself. I know you'll come begging me for horn sex and I will deny you because I will have Fluttershy, well unless you wanted to join us.
Planning on Laughing When You Can't Get Any,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Just wait until Flurry learns about all the fun we used to have, she'll think her Auntie Twily is really bad ass and think that you are a cheater, likely disown you and want to move down with me so she can learn the art of seduction once she gets old enough. Now that would be sweet wouldn't it?
Dear Twilight,
Ugh, you're going to pin all the blame on me? Look, nopony ever said you had to act on your desires. Yes I wanted it too but if you had an ounce of self-control and gave a shit what ponies thought about you, you wouldn't have seduced me nor would you have caused me to want action from you every single weekend.
Thanks to you though, things are still a little bit tense between Shiny and me, he has not even put out since Flurry was born but don't go getting any ideas. I could see you wanting me to join you and Fluttershy for a night of fun but that ain't happening. Maybe one of your old friends would be interested, that hot blue one in particular.
Never Putting Out for You Again,
Princess Cadence
Dear Thorax,
I wish to apologize to you on behalf of the Crystal Empire. Now that we know you, you seem to be perfectly nice and I'm going to be honest, I don't trust Sunburst as much as many would think. I would love it if you would be our new crystaller. I know you genuinely care about and love the citizens of the Crystal Empire.
Hoping You'll Be Our Crystaller,
Prince Shining Armor
Dear Prince Shining Armor,
Of course I will be your crystaller. I never wanted to say anything but that Sunburst pony seems kind of creepy. The way he plays dress-up and has that thing hanging off his chin makes him look like a pedophile. Don't worry, I'll protect Flurry Heart from him if you want me to.
Your New Crystaller,
Thorax
Dear Princess Celestia,
Can you believe it? Fluttershy let me out of the castle again! Perhaps it was because I would be going to visit my brother and Flurry Heart but hey, as much as I love her, getting away once in a while is nice. Now about the changeling, I was shocked when he wound up being nice and wanted to be friends with everypony. I don't know why but I have a good feeling about that one, I have a feeling that he may wind up changing the course of history for his kind someday.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Oh isn't that so sweet of her? Your master actually let you out of your cage for a while. I am utterly shocked that she would do that and I am even more shocked that you are saying something nice about a creature other than a pony. You know, I may act like I hate all the changelings are horrible but I think that once they are free of Chrysalis's control, they will be very good friends with us. What a shame Thorax wouldn't liberate you from your master, your life would be much better.
Hoping Thorax Will Liberate You,
Princess Celestia
Dear Thorax,
Could you do me a favor and drain the very life out of Sunburst? Let me know and I will mail you a glass jar to store it in along with a postage paid return box so you can send it back to me. Do it and I'll make it worth your while.
Hoping You'll Kill Sunburst,
Starlight Glimmer
Dear Starlight,
I am sorry but I have been hired as the Crystal Empire's new crystaller and I can not use my magic for anything except love and light. I don't trust the idiot and would do it if I didn't have this new responsibility.
The Crystal Empire's New Crystaller,
Thorax
P.S. Didn't you learn your lesson about glass jars in Our Town? You need to invest in shatterproof jars, alright?