The next thing Spike remembered was Key pecking at him.
"Quit it!" said Spike, brushing off the phoenix and finally opening up his bleary eyes at the bright world around him.
"Squaaawk!" retorted Key. He was breathing heavily and covering Spike with his feathers, as if holding Spike in a blanket of scarlet.
"Why are you freaking out so much? I'm fine," said Spike.
Key continued to squawk and cry out in several different ways. He had learned enough from Fluttershy to get the gist of what he was saying.
Where had he been? Key could always “sense” him. But he had been “gone” from existence for a short time. So gone that there was no way for Key to teleport to him in any way.
"Woah..." said Spike, finally starting to get what had happened. "I'm sorry to freak you out like that, I’m fine, really. Just… a spell that got out of hand." Spike hugged Key back. Though with the wings, Key was the much better hugger.
Key started to weep and Spike felt bad there wasn't anything physically wrong with him to heal. The drops fell onto Spike's scales and slowly slid off. It's too bad that phoenix tears didn't work on suicidal thoughts.
But then again, maybe he was "cured?" He saw the end of the universe and the void he had sought... and it wasn't exactly what he wanted. Was there anything left to do... but live?
Live.
Spike clutched onto Key harder. Live? He had to live now? He had been so focused on dying that the idea of living beyond this point was absolutely inconceivable. He wasn't supposed to get this far in life. He wasn't supposed to be alive. Dying—no, scratch that— the idea of dying had been the most peaceful thing ever. But life? Life wasn't peaceful. It was full of diplomatic issues, friendship problems, the fear of becoming evil, and the many, many inconvenient things that came with staying alive.
He was actually going to be there for life.
"Key... the days... just keep going, don't they? They don't stop," said Spike.
Spike felt Key’s neck feathers as he nodded his head.
How was Spike supposed to handle all of that? Just these first few years of "living" had been hard enough. How was he supposed to do thousands of years worth of that?
Key chirped a few words that Spike didn't really understand, but it was something along the lines of: "one day at a time."
Spike looked at a clock on the wall and realized he actually had things he had to do. Twilight was hosting a dinner for some diplomat from somewhere, and so Spike headed downstairs to help with the cooking. He even made a paltry appearance at the dinner itself, but excused himself as fast as possible.
He was good at acting normal, all things considered.
Before Spike went to bed that night, he read over Luna's letter again. He looked at the letter, and then at the closet in his room where he hid his dreamless sleep potion.
It was truly terrifying to jump into the unknown. Who knew what would happen when Luna found out about him? Would his own thoughts affecting Luna's thoughts? Would she perfectly understand his own desires, which would cause her to feel the same? And then she’d commit suicide, which would then trigger a rash of suicides across Equestria?
Spike's heart rate must have increased, because Key went over next to him and draped a wing over him.
Spike sighed. Luna had seen a lot of terrible things before in ponies’ dreams. She could handle whatever it is he threw at her. Right? It would be okay, right?
It took a long time to fall asleep that night. It got so bad that Spike just decided to walk up around the castle. It was missing key features, and Key and all the ponies were missing, but Spike didn't notice that. All he noticed was that he was—in fact—still alive. That was a problem. He wasn't supposed to be alive. How could he have let this problem go on for so long like this?
Luckily there was a convenient black hole for him to jump through. It swirled and swayed like a black hurricane, it’s spiral tendrils grabbing at stray matter. He flung himself off the highest tower of the castle, aiming for it.
As he neared the black hole, a dark blue tendril of aurora reached for his leg, dragging him elsewhere. The midnight blue streak started crawling up around him. He tried to tear at it but felt completely numb. It engulfed him entirely before the dark blue colors unraveled into stars.
The light of the stars made it much easier to see the valley of grass around him and the Everfree forest beyond. Some of the stars lazily fell down from heaven, forming fireflies that drifted around the midnight valley, illuminating tall grass that swayed in the breeze.
A few fireflies landed on the grass, and Spike saw Princess Luna appear where the fireflies had landed.
If anyone knew how to die, it would be the Princess. “Excuse me, Luna?”
“Yes, Spike,” said Luna as she walked closer to him.
“I’m sorry to ask, this is probably an awkward question, but can you help me die?”
"Excuse me?" asked Luna.
"Y'know... some way to die? I've been looking all over for something, but nothing seems to work right. Any recommendations?"
“I actually wouldn’t know much about dying,” said Luna. “I’ve never done it before.”
“Aww… I’m so sorry you have to go through life like that. Living is so hard.”
“It can be,” sighed Luna. “But why would you want to die?”
“Oh, I gotta protect my friends. I'm gonna turn into a giant monster and so I really ought to die before that happens,” said Spike. At that moment, a large purple dragon claw reached out from the earth, forming a deep fissure in the landscape. The claw clamped down on Princess Luna.
“NO! It’s already happening!”
Spike found himself buried alive, clawing his way out of a pit and grabbing onto anything that he could use to get out of there. When the giant dragon got out of the pit he opened his right claw to see a tiny crushed and bleeding Princess Luna.
“No— No— No NOO!!!” screamed Spike. He held her lifeless corpse close to his body, and clenched his eyes shut. “I should have died sooner. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry! Please come back! I’ll do better next time. I’ll kill myself sooner. I should never have allowed myself to grow up for this long. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“Spike!”
Spike sniffed and opened his blurry eyes. "It’s a nightmare, Spike. You don’t have to dream it!" said Luna.
Spike felt himself shrink smaller and smaller until he was his normal size.
He stared up at Luna. "This is a dream?"
"Yes, and it looks like you were creating your own nightmare."
Lucidity crawled over Spike, like spiders prickling every inch of him in his new reality.
"How much do you know!?" said Spike in a single breath.
"About?" asked Luna.
"About— about— ME?" said Spike, his head staring at the grass underneath him.
"It looks like you've been dealing with intense suicidal thoughts for some time," said Luna.
There it was: the truth. Forever uncaged to the point it could never be taken back again. All the terrible things he was afraid of happening were now going to happen. And... it didn't matter anymore. Luna knew. "That—that about sums it up," said Spike.
Luna didn't respond.
"What happens now? Am I gonna be taken away?" Spike started to sweat as his fears came out. "Do I need to be separated from my friends? Am I going to be quarantined off for having bad thoughts that must not be shared?"
"Oh, Spike," said Luna, taking a hoof and rubbing his spikes. "You're fine. Nothing you are facing is something that is wholly unique to you. It just means you need some help."
Out of all the answers Luna could have given, he didn't expect that. "You mean... I'm normal?"
"There's no such thing as normal, Spike. But the problems you face have been faced before. And I've helped, and continue to help ponies with problems like yours."
"Is... is there a cure?" asked Spike.
"Not exactly, you can’t really cure a thought" said Luna. "But with practice you can redirect your thoughts and emotions, and help yourself get through this."
“But… isn’t it just a distraction from the thoughts? Is my life just going to be a series of distractions until I eventually die anyway?”
Luna considered the question, putting her hoof to her mouth. “That’s a very philosophical question, Spike. What is life but a series of distractions? I don’t think that’s what life is.”
Luna configured the dream, showing the cosmos in all its glory. Nebulas, planets, and galaxies all swirled around them. It was far more beautiful than the void had been.
“Life is what you make of it. If you want it to be full of distractions, it can be. And if you want it to be tranquil and kind, it can be that too. Spike… it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”
Spike stared at the beautiful cosmos surrounding them, but a thought insisted on creeping back in.
“But… even if I’m going to be okay. Will others? I’m a dragon. I—I may have already killed ponies without even knowing about it.”
Luna tilted her head. “What makes you say that?”
Without realizing it, Spike altered the dream, showing the time his greed had caused him to grow to an enormous size, causing a lot of property damage in Ponyville, and crushing some unsuspecting ponies that had been in their houses. Then the dream shifted to when Spike was barely hatched and he had grown to a colossal height. The dream showed the baby crushing a poor maid pony.
“See…” Spike sniffled. “I’m already a murderer. I’ve killed ponies. This pony right here,” Spike gestured to the maid. “She could have been a mother. And that means that after centuries she could be responsible for causing hundreds of ponies to come into existence. Which means I killed hundreds of ponies. I… shouldn’t be alive. A life for a life.”
Luna dissipated the dream, replacing it with the soft glow of light in a peaceful forest. “Hold on one moment, Spike. Let’s actually confirm you did this.”
Luna vanished and Spike was left along with his thoughts. He had spoken too much. He had existed too much. He needed to stop doing that. Luna was trying to help a dead dragon. She ought to help others that actually had a chance. She ought to help innocent ponies, not him.
Luna reappeared a moment later, clutching a disheveled Celestia.
Spike’s eyes went wide. It was bad enough that Luna was spending time with him. But Celestia too!? What a horrible dragon he was to waste their time, especially Celestia’s sleep.
“Spike,” Luna spoke up as Celestia gained her composure. “You matter. And please remember that we’re both immortal. We have time to spare, especially to help a friend like you.”
Spike gulped. Luna could probably read his mind here. Or his thoughts altered the dreamscape in some way that she could tell what was thinking.
“Tia?” asked Luna. “Can you help me with something? And you must be honest, the psychological well-being of a good friend is on the line. To your knowledge, has Spike, either accidentally or on-purpose, caused the death of a pony or other creature before?”
Celestia could only stare at Luna and then at Spike with a confused look on her muzzle.
“No, of course not,” said Celestia.
“But—but what about when I grew super huge when I was hatched? Didn’t I crush somepony?”
“Well, yes, Ravenbrook was in the hospital for a few days with some broken bones. But honestly, the psychological damage from Twilight turning her parents into plants was far worse than anything you did that day.”
“So I did hurt somepony?” asked Spike.
“Yes, but nopony died,” said Luna.
“And injuries happen at that magic school all the time," said Celestia, stifling a yawn. "You have no idea how often I have to shove a pony’s head out of a flask. Learning magic can be rather disastrous. But we haven’t had any casualties in centuries.”
Luna nodded to Spike.
“Oh, speaking of magic, how is your dragowizard practice coming, Spike? Were my letters helpful in any way? Beyond the letter sending spell, I haven’t seen pyroturgy practiced in millenia, and I’d love to see it, or help with what I can.”
“Oh! It’s umm… going okay,” said Spike, taken aback. Why did he have so many friends? Why were there so many ponies so willing to help him? Did he really matter that much?
Luna gave him a look that distinctly said: Yes you matter!
“Excellent!” said Celestia “Give me word the moment you have something to share or if you ever need help. I’m always a letter away!”
With that, Celestia yawned and then disappeared from the dream. Spike was left alone with Luna in the lush dark forest. Lavender flowers emanated throughout the dream, leaving him even calmer than before.
“You see, Spike… you are fine. You haven’t killed anypony.”
“But—but what if I do!?” asked Spike. “I’m a dragon after all! I’m going to make mistakes, I might crush somepony in the future. I might—”
“But are you crushing them right now?”
Spike looked around. “I—no…”
“Exactly. Focus on the now, my young drake. The past is done. The future is unknown. You are safely in the present.”
Spike breathed in and out, but tears still stained his eyes. “I just… I’m going to live so long… I’m going to fail. I’m going to hurt others.”
“Alright, Spike… let’s take your worst case scenario. You kill a bunch of ponies accidentally.”
The calm dream around them changed. A large, ferocious purple dragon was in the midst of tearing apart the castle of friendship. And Twilight and her friends—his friends—were desperately trying to get him to stop. But he didn’t. He saw as Fluttershy was engulfed in orange flame and burned to cinders. Rainbow was knocked back into a mountainside. And Rarity was completely crushed as his claws tightened into a fist. Spike’s incensed eyes returned to normal and he could only stare horrified at the royal purple mane and white fur in his claws.
Then the dream shifted and the large dragon was left to talk with Twilight for a long… long time. Eventually… the colossal dragon found forgiveness and everything was calm once more.
Spike looked at Luna. “That’s not how Equestria works… is it?”
Luna sighed. “Spike… I have lived your worst fears. When I was Nightmare Moon, I did terrible things. I— I... let’s just say that it’s taken me a very long time to forgive myself, far longer than it took the ponies that I wronged to forgive me.”
The dream shifted back to a calm forest. “Equestria is made up of reformed villains, Spike. Look at me, look at Discord, look at Starlight Glimmer. Terrible things have been done Spike. But… even the worst crimes can be repented of. Even the most vile of creatures can seek forgiveness.” She shuddered, and Spike knew she was talking about herself.
“You are pure, Spike. I know you’re scared you will lose that someday, but that only goes to show how hard you are working to stop that from happening. While the future is unknown, the Spike I know wouldn’t hurt any creature. But even if the worst was to happen, you have so many friends, Spike. You have an astoundingly large support group—far larger than I had when I was going through my darkest times.
“Use them! Rely on them! This life wasn’t meant to be lived alone. And yes, even your thoughts are okay to share and get help with. Trust your friends, Spike. We’ll be there for you every step of the way.”
Spike didn’t know what to say to that. He really did feel better . It was as if warmth and peace had completely diffused the darkness of doubt throughout his entire being.
Spike breathed in and out.
“Okay,” said Spike.
Luna smiled, “Are you feeling better then?”
“Much better,” said Spike. And it was true. He felt even more calm here with Luna than he had during all his weeks in the void. He hadn’t thought is was possible to be that calm again, but the serenity of the dream and having somepony to talk to with complete trust relaxed him in ways he didn’t think were possible.
“Sweet dreams, Spike,” said Luna. “I’ll drop by tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay,” said Spike. And he found himself curling up onto a bed in the middle of the dream, letting the peace wash over him.