Chapter Fifteen: When One Door Closes...
✧❖☬❖✧
Twilight was rather adamant about me spending my remaining days in her company. So much so that, as you may remember, she arrested me and directly defied the top Princess lady, Celestia, which should have been a more touching gesture, but I was fairly certain that I didn’t have a soul in my body at the moment, so I was far more worried about that than Twilight finally growing a spine. Amaretta trailed behind us as Twilight took the party upstairs, and when we arrived in the library, Twilight rapidly wrote out a note and sent it off shortly after.
“Gauche?” Twilight asked, sending the note off in a purple flash of light.
“Yes, Twilight?” I replied.
“... Aren’t you afraid?”
“No. Why would I be?”
“Suede, you’re dying!” Amaretta said a little louder than necessary. “I mean, do we even know how long you have?”
“We do, and it’s not that long, Amaretta. The longest a Pony can last without an Anima is a week and a half, but after that, their body becomes free real estate for all manners of ghosts and spirits! We need to find out what happened to Gauche’s Anima before it’s too late and he gets turned into something!” Twilight said, running a hand through her hair.
I sighed. “I’m under arrest, right?”
“Right.” Twilight nodded sharply.
“Then let’s go talk to Ladesa. If my soul is gone, then she’s the one who knows why it’s gone.”
Twilight gave me an odd look. “What makes you think Ladesa would know anything about why your Anima is gone?”
“Someone’s been recently accepted into Heavensholm all over again and my soul just so happened to go missing within the same amount of time. I’m willing to bet that someone’s traded my soul for Ladesa’s reinstatement as a Demi-Goddess.” I yawned.
“... You think Ladesa sold your soul?”
I shook my head. “No, I think her mother sold my soul. Am I wrong, Furladra?” I looked around and blinked a few times.
“... Well?” Amaretta asked.
“She hasn’t contacted me, so I’m assuming that I’ve guessed correctly.” I checked my right breast and Furladra’s Seal was still there, so I checked my left breast and my tattoo was still there. “Any help, Vio?”
‘What? Your old standby fucked you so you’re looking to me now?’ An irritable male voice replied in my head.
“Who’s Vio?” Twilight asked.
“He’s the God of Truth and Lies. He’s mad at me.”
‘I’m not mad, I’m annoyed. Mildly annoyed.’
“Well how can I help with that?” I asked, not really giving a fuck.
‘It’s not a matter I’m worried about. I’ll talk to Furladra about giving your soul back, though.’
“Thanks, Bruv. I’m sure there’s something you’ll want whenever, so feel free to ask.” I said airily.
‘Tch. I’m not counting on it.’
“That’s just cynical.” I commented.
“Dear Celestia, you are a nutter, arentcha?” Amaretta asked.
I shrugged. “I talk to the most powerful beings in the universe from time to time. It’s enough to drive anyone a little nuts.”
“... Well, it’s not like you have an Anima so I doubt you care, but… Are you sure you don’t want to be a Ranger?” The woman who assumed that she was now my lover asked.
“I’d like to keep learning the bow. It’s a useful skill.”
“Then I’ll keep teaching you for as long as you can manage, but are you sure you really want to waste what little time you have left on something you’re never going to use?”
I shrugged and looked at Twilight. “Why don’t we summon something benevolent to invade my body?”
Twilight blinked and her jaw dropped. “... The Summoner-Familiar Bond… I can summon your Anima, Gauche!”
“Go for it, Dearest. Woo!”
“... I can’t tell if you’re messing with me or cheering me on.” Twilight admitted, frowning.
I tapped her nose lightly. “I cheer for thee.”
“It’s literally ingrained into your body to be patronizing. That is so sad.” Twilight huffed.
“I think it’s pretty funny myself, Your Highness.” Amaretta giggled.
Twilight shot her a look. “Send a message to your boss and tell him that you’re losing a trainee.”
“Send a message to Garrison and tell him that he owes me a hug, if you would.” Amaretta replied.
The Princess chuckled and looked at me. “You owe Amaretta a hug.”
“Can I hug you and transfer it like that?” I asked blandly.
Amaretta hugged me. “Now’s a good chance, Honey Bun!”
I hugged her back because I was supposed to. “At least you’re nice and warm. Does anyone have the time?”
Twilight checked a clock. “It’s a little after two. Why do you ask?”
“I was wondering if it was a good time to go and find Ladesa.”
“Oh! Yes, we should really hop to that! She should be at Sweet Apple Acres with Applejack, right?” My formerly purple friend asked.
“If there’s a stocking on the door, I say we leave them alone.” I said carelessly.
“What would that have to do with anything?” Twilight asked.
Amaretta giggled. “Well we’d hate to interrupt them, wouldn’t we? In any case, why don’t we get a move on?”
Twilight nodded sharply and looked at me. “Are you ready?”
“I’m following whoever leads the way.” I answered casually.
Twilight chose to lead the way as luck would have it, which meant that we got lost once, but Amaretta got us back on track easily enough, so we didn’t lose too much time. On our way to Sweet Apple Acres, Twilight told me that Granny liked to take afternoon baths, so if I heard an old lady singing and thought I heard water nearby, I should run the other way. I let Twilight know that it was horribly rude to speak ill of the elderly without a purpose and she was properly ashamed of herself until Amaretta broke out a story about the time she’d seen her widowed Grandfather nailing a Mare at least twenty years his junior, which was a scarring event in its own right. I probably would have blushed for her bawdy tale if it weren’t for the fact that I didn’t really care.
We made it to Sweet Apple Acres quickly enough for me to not bitch about it out of annoyance, and Granny let us into the farmhouse since she didn’t know where Ladesa was. She assumed that she was out in the fields helping Applejack work, so we sat around and talked to Granny for a few more hours until she asked, “So what’s wrong with tall, dark, an’ bland over here?” She gestured toward me with her head. “Seems awful quiet and kinda… Dead inside. That’s a good way ta put it.”
“That’s because I don’t have a soul, or as it’s called around these parts, an Anima in my body right now. I’m currently dying.” I said casually.
“Don’t sound too terribly concerned about it.” Granny remarked drily.
“It’s because he doesn’t have any emotions right now, Granny. Gauche needs an Anima to want and feel. I can’t imagine what it must be like to not care about anything.” Twilight said sadly.
“Ah. Well, I dunno about y’all, but now seems like a good time for some prayer.” Granny said wisely.
I nodded. “Let’s make some offerings.”
“... We’re doing what now?” Amaretta asked.
“What does preying on somepony have to do with anything?” Twilight asked.
I gave Twilight a funny look. “Not preying; praying. As in prayer and worship.” I clarified.
“... What?”
Granny waved a hand at her. “Don’t worry about it too much, Twi. It’s an old tradition that was dyin’ out even when I was little.”
I got up and offered Granny a hand. “It was still going strong in Avalesce, but then again I think our Gods like to be praised.”
“Don’t everypony?” Granny chuckled, taking my hand and allowing me to help her out of her chair.
“Fair point.” I acquiesced. “What’s the first thing we’re doing?”
“First things first is gettin’ the cuttin’ board out and sendin’ off the three best apples in the house.” Granny said, taking me to the kitchen as Twilight and Amaretta started talking to each other.
“I’ll leave you to pick out produce. Your eye for it is probably better than mine since you’ve seen so many apples.” I said, giving her a little compliment.
“If I ever need my old gold sold, then I’ll send ya a letter.” Granny chuckled.
“Gold you say?” I asked, feigning interest.
She gave me a look. “I got a lot of that from my Momma and Granmomma, and the other bits an’ baubles are from my late husban’.”
“I’m pretty sure that I’m richer than you, so stealing from you would just be spiteful. I don’t like spite. Vengeance and vindication are all well and good, but stealing from a kind woman who’s done me nothin’ but good doesn’t sit well on my stomach. Wanna know why? It’s because spite is actual poo. It’s poo on a platter, and I don’t eat poo, thank you very much.”
Granny nodded sharply. “I would hope that ya don’t, but it’s nice ta know for sure.”
I nodded back. “Should I find some apples?”
“Sit back and relax a spell, Sonny. I’ll handle things up until I need ya.”
I gave Granny another nod and leaned against one of the empty counters in the kitchen, but the longer I stood and waited, the more a faint blowing feeling surfaced in my ear like someone was trying to turn me on in the worst of ways. “-sn’t seem like it’s gonna work out at this point, Your Highness. I don’t wanna be with someone who’s… Not gonna be around long.” Amaretta said, sounding like she was fucking next to me.
I blinked and looked off to my left, but all I saw was Granny going over some apples. The blowing feeling came back and I heard Twilight say, “I know it’s probably looking rough right now, but what if we do manage to get Gauche’s Anima back? You’ll have missed out on everything he has to offer!”
“That’s just the thing, Your Highness. Suede’s not a bad catch, but there are better Stallions out there. I mean, I doubt there are that many who are as flexible and virile-”
“Can you please not? Gauche is like a brother to me.”
“My point is that the only thing I like him for is sex right now, even if I did like him in general back when he had his Anima. The Suede I like isn’t the one in the kitchen right now.”
Twilight sighed. “Then I guess it’s best to just break the news to him whenever then. It’s not like he’ll be upset about it.”
“... I guess that’s merciful, if you really think about it.” Amaretta said softly, her voice nearly lost in the breeze entering my ear and invading my brain.
“I’d rather feel bad all the time than feel nothing at all.” Twilight answered.
“Then with all due respect, you haven't found the right kind of ‘bad’ yet, Your Highness.”
“I suppose not. I hope I never find it then.”
“I second that motion and propose another.”
“Oh?”
“Drinks. After this, we get hammered!”
“Oh. I could use a glass of wine.”
“Ever have a dark stout?”
I made a face at the thought of such a bitter brew passing over my lips. I prefer ale if I have to drink alcohol, but I suppose that having everything taste like nothing would be interesting for a night of drinking. I decided to go find Jameson whenever I finished up at Sweet Apple Acres and ask him if he wanted to go out for drinks, but then I remembered that Twilight had arrested me and that I wasn’t supposed to go anywhere without her. It’s not like I gave a fourth of a fuck about her edict, but I did think that it might be for the better if I stuck to Twilight’s little rules since she was just trying to help me in the first place.
Fuck that though.
“Hey Granny, do you have any liquor on hand?”
Granny tossed the apple she was holding toward me. “I’ve got some Zap Applejack that I like to mess with from time ta time. Wanna burn a couple shots and make it a good offerin’?”
“Sounds good to me, but I was also overcome with the overwhelming desire to get plastered. How much is hard cider around these parts?”
“Free, if I like ya well enough.” Granny waited for two seconds. “Drop drawers.”
I unbuckled my belt and dropped my trousers because I had no reason not to.
Granny made a ‘Not too bad’ kind of face. “Not bad. Ya must make a few Mares pretty happy.”
I redonned my trousers and buckled them again. “I’ve never managed to keep one, so I’d have my doubts about that.”
“What about that Amaretta Mare? Ain’t she yours right now?” Granny asked, the blowing feeling in my ear having ceased.
“If I’ve eavesdropped correctly, then that won’t be the case for much longer. She doesn’t want to be with a dying man.”
“Do ya blame her?” Granny asked, making a face.
I shook my head. “Of course not. I didn’t want to be with her in the first place, she just caught me right after Maud dumped me, so she snuck her way into my good graces.”
“I see… Maybe you need that shot of Applejack.”
“I wouldn’t say ‘need’.”
“Do ya want it?”
“Yes please?”
“Say ‘need’.”
“Didn’t I just say that I wouldn’t say it?” I mused.
She shrugged. “Oh well. I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll be right here.”
I waited for Granny to come back with her Zap Applejack, which I assumed had nothing to do with Applejack herself. When she did, she poured both of us a shot and we cheered to being soulless and being old, both of which were not things to be happy about in Twilight’s book when she heard us ‘cheer’. We got chewed out for trying to drink our troubles away, and when Granny told Twilight to go away or start drinking with us, Twilight put her foot down and ‘ordered’ Granny to stop feeding me alcohol.
It sounded a lot like, “Granny Smith, you put that liquor away or else!”
Granny Smith gave her a dark look. “Ya don’t tell Granny Smith what ta do, Twilight Sparkle. Ya ain’t got the authority for that.”
Twilight coloured and stomped her foot. “I mean it, Granny!”
The old woman poured me a cup of liquor before doing the same for herself. “Ya ain’t the boss a’ me, Twi. Shut it.”
The young Princess folded her arms and glared at Granny while we cheered again. “To drunken fun and loose women.” I said casually.
“To ignoring Princesses and livin’ the life.” Granny cheered in turn.
We touched our glasses together and sipped our drinks casually for all of two seconds before downing the rest of our liquor like Twilight was going to take it from us. I finished before Granny since I couldn't feel the burn and she just gave me a frustrated look when she finished. “I mus’ be losin’ my touch.”
I shrugged. “Maybe you’re just too green to beat me?”
Granny looked at her hands and back to me. “Shut up before I hitcha.”
“If you two are done…?” Twilight asked testily.
Granny poured another glass of Zap Applejack. “Got a match on ya, Sonny?”
“I do not.” I answered.
She thought for a moment and opened the drawer in front of her. “I knew it! Lucky gal, lucky gal!”
I gave her a soft round of applause and Twilight gave her a dirty look, but Granny was nonplussed at best as she lit the match and ignited the liquor. “So why are we burning the best liquor I’ve ever had?” I asked.
“You can still taste things?” Twilight asked.
“No, but I figured I’d compliment it anyway.”
Granny chuckled. “Diluculum likes baked goods, but she says that her husban’ is the one who loves a good drink.”
“Sounds like they have it all worked out. What’s her husband’s name?”
“She said it was Kaid or somethin’ like that. Kaid Gadee.”
My eyes shot open before I furrowed my brow. “Wait, you mean Kaid Gadai?”
“Yeah! That was it!”
I blinked and rubbed my eyes. “... Well, it’s no wonder Diluculum sounded slightly familiar. Kaid Gadai is known to be one of the True Elders; one of the Old Gods.”
“Ah, that sounds interestin’.” Granny commented interestedly like she was curious.
“It is. I wonder if we’re talking about the same person.” I scratched at my chin.
“You are.” Max said, having popped in at some point, I guess.
Granny looked at him wide eyed and Twilight shouted, “Hey butthead! How about we have a little chat?”
Max looked at Twilight. “I can put you to sleep if you’re going to be like that. It’ll be terrible sleep too. You’ll wake up and need a nap.”
Twilight folded her arms again and glared at him. “Why are you such a meanie-butthead?”
“Why are you so adorable?” He countered lackadaisically before looking to Granny. “You summoned me for a reason, right?”
She pointed at me. “This guy needs his Anima back.”
Max rolled his eyes. “Trust me when I say that I’m well aware of the conundrum we’re in right now, and if you doubt that, then doubly believe that I’m bloody pissed.” Max growled, the house shaking with his fury.
“Can you stop being pissed and start doing something?” I asked.
Max glared at me. “You know who never got any shit? Iry-Hor. That guy never got shit from anyone face-to-face, and you know why?”
“He was scarier than you?” I guessed.
“Not even. Compared to me, the guy was harmless, but nooo, I just have to put up with every little fool that pokes their bloody head up out of the sand.” Max said irritably, making the windows rattle.
“Wanna go out for some drinks?” I asked.
“Damn straight. Let’s grab Jay and make a night out of it.” Max replied.
“If Gauche goes-” Twilight started.
“You’re invited, but do you really want to be surrounded by men and Gods who want to talk about nothing other than sex, drugs, and doing drugs on sex?” Max asked.
Twilight blushed. “I-I think you mixed up the last part.”
“When you have a Goddess that willing to let you use her body as a bowl, then you get drugs on sex.” Max answered casually. “I can make you a tube and smoke out of you if you like.”
“... Please don’t.” Twilight said softly.
Max nodded. “Do you still want to come to the party?”
“... Are there even going to be other Mares there?”
“It’s a maybe at best. My wives might show up to make sure that I’m not going overboard, but other than that, there’s no one who should be willing to take at least six guys all at once.”
“... You’d fight me if I went?” Twilight asked nervously.
“That’s not what he meant, Dearest.” I said, shaking my head.
“Then what did he mean?”
“Don’t worry about it too much, Darlin’. I’m sure they’re just funnin’ ya at this point.”
Max popped his knuckles. “Nope. I know an awful lot of people like me who would love a chance with a Twilight like her. Corruption fetishes are prominent in about a quarter of the Triple Sixers.”
“Yourself included, right?”
Max made a spiraling motion with his finger. “No. I thought I did, but when I actually corrupted my lover, I felt terrible. It wasn’t solely my fault, but you know how these things go. First you turn them on to drugs, then you move in for sex, and then you marry them and soil them completely.”
“Scary.” I commented idly.
“... You poisoned your wife to be more like you?” Twilight asked.
“Hurtful. Very hurtful, actually.” Max said, making a face. “I didn’t poison my wife. I might be a toxic individual, but I didn’t make her turn out like me. War, death, and betrayal did that.” He sighed. “I couldn’t have protected her from all of it even if I wanted to.”
“So what was your wife like before she got warped?” Twilight asked curiously.
Max raised a brow. “How familiar are you with Multiverse Theory?”
Twilight’s eyes lit up with scholarly intrigue. “Are you saying that the multiverse is real?”
Max nodded. “It’s why my job sucks so bad. There are an infinite number of Parallel Dimensions in a universe, and as the Maximus Omnium, I have to watch over everyone else’s as well. Infinity times six hundred and sixty six is the smallest number you could conjugate for how many places I exist at once.”
“... Wow.” Twilight breathed.
“Shite. You’re a busy guy. Are you sure you have time for drinks?” I asked.
He gave me a grin. “I’ve always got time for drinks, Mate. What say we go and get Jay now?”
I nodded. “Sounds good to me. I’ll come back to your place, alright, Twilight?”
She sighed. “How long were you planning on staying out?”
I looked at Max and he said, “I’ll bring him back at dawn and sit him in the guest room. No one that isn’t a Maximus is going to be able to walk by the end of the night.”
Twilight sighed again and Granny chuckled. “Ah, if only my liver was fifty years younger! I’d be up for the challenge a’ drinkin’ all night and handlin’ all six a’ your buddies.”
Max blushed and I coughed a few times, the mental image of Granny Smith wearing a Fancy’s corset popping into my head and making me slightly nauseous. I didn’t doubt that the old woman had a jungle down there. “... Right. So we’re leaving now.” Max announced.
“I’ll see y’all later!” Granny cackled.
“Hopefully I’ll see you in my dreams.” I said flippantly.
She blew me a kiss and Twilight stepped in front of me with a concerned look on her face. “Aren’t you going to wait for Ladesa to come back so we can ask her where your Anima is?”
Max scoffed. “I know where it is, and so does Garrison.”
Twilight looked at Max for a moment and back to me. “Do you really?”
I nodded. “If Max is saying that I’m right, then Furladra has it.”
“... Why would the Mare you said protected you your entire life suddenly turn her back on you?” She asked reasonably.
I shrugged. “She wanted Ladesa back more than she wanted me. I understand that her daughter is worth more to her than I am, but I’d rather like to have my soul back.”
Max popped his neck. “You can talk to Ladesa tomorrow. Once she enters the house, she won’t be able to leave until you come and talk to her, so don’t forget about it.” He gave me a pen and some paper.
I wrote myself a note and tucked it into a pocket, and it read thusly:
Dear Garrison
You’re getting screwed by Furladra and Ladesa, so go and talk to Ladesa tomorrow. She can’t go anywhere other than Sweet Apple Acres, so don’t forget.
With Love,
Garrison Varas
“Alright, I’m ready.” I said when I was done.
Max nodded and walked off, so I followed him, wondering what was about to happen during a night with the Creator.
₪ღ✮ღ₪
I was finishing up Shade Rose by licking her slit when I heard a knock at the door. She crammed my face into the gash between her legs as she came so I wouldn’t get away, but my tongue was tired from eating her through her third consecutive orgasm. She really did taste like a spiced lemon cake, which was ballin’ to say the least, but I would have preferred to have a little extra time to get my breath back before she tried to drown me in her juices. When Shade finally stopped shaking and let me loose, I licked my lips clean and wiped my face off, licking my fingers to make sure I got every last sticky drop before looking at Shade’s limp form.
“How was that?” I asked, the manic smile having finally left my face.
She gave me a thumbs up, so I chuckled and crawled off of the bed. “If it was that good, then I guess I’ll leave you here to get your sea legs. Imma go get the door.”
“Return swiftly~” Shade crooned.
“I’ll try.” I promised, closing the door behind me as I headed to the bathroom to get washed up real quick before heading downstairs to answer the door.
When I actually saw who stood there, I was a little surprised. “Wotcher, Mate. Do you know what time it is?” Max asked.
I shrugged. “Time for you to stop by?”
“Nope. It’s time to get fucked up from the floor up.” He replied casually.
“Ah. Sounds dope. Lemme go tell the Vampire Queen in Fluttershy’s bedroom that I’m going out to get sloshed.”
“There’s a legitimate Vampire in Fluttershy’s house?” Garrison asked flatly, sounding pretty damn depressed.
“Yeah, but are you alright, dude? You sound like you’re a step away from blowing your brains out.” I said.
He shrugged. “My soul is gone, so I’m not feeling much at the moment other than this buzz. Zap Applejack sure does go down smooth.”
“Never had it. I’ll be right back.” I turned and left the door open since I wasn’t about to send Max any kind of message related to him not being able to go somewhere and went upstairs to find Shade Rose relaxing on Fluttershy’s bed. “Shade?”
“Yes, Jameson?” She sighed happily.
“Maximus, the Creator of the Universe, came by to grab me for a drink. I think you’re gonna be on your own for tonight.”
She gave me a look. “You would rather drink than have sex?”
“I would actually love to delete the last two hours from my memory entirely. If I could clip the parts with you and Fluttershy out so I could keep them, I would, but it’s not somethin’ I can really do. Thus, Imma go get fucked up and forget what’s on my mind the good old fashioned way; drugs and alcohol.”
Shade gave me a darker look. “I am coming with you.”
I shrugged. “Sounds fine to me. Come on with the come on, then.”
“What?”
“Come along so we can get started.” I clarified.
Shade sighed and hopped out of bed, grabbing her panties as she went along. “Would it be too much to ask of you if I were to request that you lick me clean?”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
And I didn’t. I actually kinda liked Shade when she wasn’t trying to make me start a Coven with her, and she tasted fantastic, so that was a plus too. It didn’t hurt that she showed her whole face instead of half like Fluttershy did, but I still liked Fluttershy more. So much so that it wasn’t even a contest, but still. Once I’d gotten Shade Rose all cleaned up, she stalled us further by making me kiss her for like, thirty seconds, and then we finally got a move on. By the time we actually got outside and were ready to go with Max and Garrison, Max had set up a patio complete with furniture and a grill outside of Fluttershy’s house. Many bottles of liquor adorned the wicker tables that sat on the large slab of what seemed to be slate, and there was even more weed in all sorts of colors. A big smile broke out on my face as I looked over to see Max and Garrison at the grill, throwing steaks and burgers onto the grate as they chatted like Max wasn’t God and Garrison wasn’t a figurative Zombie.
“Ay! I take mine medium!” I called out, grinning like a fool.
“Gotcha, Mate! You want any herbs and spices with it?” Max asked.
“Throw on a Cajun blend and some garlic salt.” I replied.
Shade hissed and I gave her a fucked up look. “Do you seriously hate garlic?”
“I planned on kissing you during this event.” She said irritably.
“Is it the taste or…?”
“The smell. All Ancient Vampires remember the days when garlic was used to ‘ward us off’, which never worked. It just smells absolutely atrocious to us.”
“You still want that garlic?” Max asked as we came closer.
“I’m tempted, but I don’t want my Sweetheart suffering for my decisions.” I sighed.
He shrugged. “Suit yourself. If there’s anything you want, feel free to grab it.”
Shade left my side to go grab one of the mason jars full of weed. “What is this herb?”
“It’s called marijuana, weed, or ganja. It’s a drug that induces a euphoric slash light-headed kinda feeling that’s pretty nice.” I informed.
Max turned and pointed at the jar. “That right there is Chernobyl Rad Roast. I know you know why it’s called that, Jay.”
I smiled big and wide. “Alright, so we’re definitely smoking some mutant weed. Lemme see the jar a sec, Babycakes.”
Shade gave me yet another look. “Do not call me Babycakes.”
“Shady?”
“That makes me sound as though I am a person of suspicion.”
“Vampires are generally suspicious.” Garrison added.
I pointed at him. “Y’all really do got a bad rap, in all fairness.”
Shade glared at me, but it wasn’t exactly cute like Fluttershy would have been. “I will hurt you.”
“I’ll kiss you if you promise not to.” I offered.
She stole the kiss I’d been planning on giving her and handed me the jar. “Since you bribed so kindly.”
I checked out the red and green herb, smiling the entire time up until I opened the jar. The shit was dank, and I don’t mean that it smelled like good weed: No, the shit smelled like it had come straight out of a sweaty Super Mutant’s ass crack after a strenuous day at the gym trying to max out on everything. I gagged and closed the jar as fast as I could while Max rolled his fucking ass off like the dick he could be.
“The worse it smells, the stronger it is!” He cackled like a madman.
“Fuck off, shit breath.” I laughed, waving away the smell.
Shade Rose was pinching her nose. “I think I would rather not partake of that herb.”
“It’ll prolly be dope tho.” I goaded.
“No.”
“Aww, come ooon!”
“No.”
“What if I said please?”
“The answer would still be no.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“What if I offered to do that thing again?” I asked quietly.
“Tempting, but no. I’m sure I could convince you to do the thing another time. I am satisfied for now.”
I gave shade a dirty look. “Fine. If you don’t want to have fun, I’ll find someone who does!” I said like a petulant child.
Shade rolled her eyes. “Go ask Max. I’m sure he will be willing to do whatever it is that you so desire.”
I stuck my tongue out at her and went to go bother Garrison to be extra difficult, joining him at the grill with Max. “‘Sup fellas?”
Max flipped a steak and said, “Not much. Just trying to have a good time after all the bad ones.”
“I’m just trying to get fumbly so I can feel something.” Garrison said.
“I’m gonna take a wild one and say that not having your soul is gonna put a damper on that.” I replied, grimacing.
Max snapped his finger and handed me a cigar that was stuffed with some of the jar’s contents, which I knew because it fucking reeked. “Light up, Mate. We’ve got plenty of grass to blow through before I consider any of us ‘good’.”
I didn’t have my lighter on me, so I just used a simple, brain-unneeded spell that Twilight had taught me a long time ago. A small orange flame popped up on my finger and I lit the cigar, but the shit was so strong that I choked on the first hit, regardless of whether the thing was actually lit or not. “Hot shit, Max! Who the fuck are you trying to kill here!?”
He laughed his ass off and gestured for me to pass the cigar, so I did and he hit it gently a few times before passing it off to Garrison, who already had a tall glass of amber liquid in his hand. He hit the cigar way too hard, but he didn’t cough at all and hit it two more times before trying to pass it to Shade, who’d just joined the circle. She shook her head, so he passed it off to me and we kept up rotation until the cigar was completely gone. However, the cigar’s disappearance meant that we had a fat roach to smoke, so Max conjured up a bong with a Christmas Tree perc, an ice catcher (Filled with ice, of course) and a regular percolator, all in one bong. Max started off rotation with the bong and we continued like that until it was cashed and everyone was fucking lit. Even Shade, who’d only inhaled any smoke due to the fact that I kept shotgunning it to her, was fried beyond belief.
“Dude.” I said, higher than I’d been in four years.
“Dear Gods above, what is this day to be?” Garrison slurred, his accent thickening like tapioca pudding.
“Dude, like, Garrison. Why are your eyes so grey?” I asked.
Shade held onto my arm for support and giggled. “He’ has got dull eyes! Dull-Eyes Dull-Eyes!”
I kissed her cheek and she giggled some more while Max moved the stuff on the grill over to a few plates. “Everyone ready for a bite?”
As soon as Max finished with that sentence, Shade bit my neck and started drinking my blood, stopping after a few seconds and licking the excess off of both my neck and her lips. “Bite taken.”
“That was so weird.” Garrison groaned.
Shade stumbled over and sniffed him a couple times. “You smell good~”
“Hey!” I said, a little offended.
“Let Momma Rose have a sip from you~” Shade requested, stroking Garrison’s cheek.
She suddenly started sliding backwards, being pulled by a black hand that was coverted in white swirls. “That’s enough, Shade Rose. You just got a meal from Jay, so stick with him. His blood tastes better anyway.” Max said.
“But Garrison smells good too!” Shade whined.
Max rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. “Not dealing with it.”
I looked to Shade and she was blinking rapidly, swaying in place. “O-Oh my…”
I rushed over and put my hands on Fluttershy’s arms. “Flutters? Are you back?”
She rubbed her eyes and looked at me, the deep, oceanic blues of Shade’s irises being replaced by the lovely cyan I knew and loved. “Jay?”
“Hiya, Flutters. We’re having a cookout.”
Fluttershy looked around. “... Jay, h-how long was Sh-Shade in control?”
“A couple hours. I didn’t let her do anything you wouldn’t have done.”
“... Only a couple hours?” She asked, looking at the patio stuff.
“My fault.” Max raised his hand. “I got tired of waiting on Jay, so I decided to bring the party here. I can take it somewhere else if you don’t want a free patio and thousands of bits worth of leftover alcohol.”
“... I-I…” Fluttershy looked to me for help.
I shrugged. “I’m fuckin’ lit. I don’t even know what we’re talking about right now. Was it about how fuckin’ adorable you are? I swear to Max, you get cuter every time you blink. It’s not by much, but you still somehow manage to get cuter.” I gave her a big smile.
She blushed and stammered out a “Th-Thank you…”
I kept smiling for a little bit before the smell of freshly cooked burger hit my nose. “Alright, I’m starving. We made grilled veggies too if you’re cool with staying here.”
Fluttershy glanced at the plated meats and winced. “I-I d-don’t know…”
“Would I ever try to feed you something poisony?”
“... D-Don’t you mean poisonous?”
“That too.”
“Just stay and enjoy the pardy!” Garrison said, his mouth half mush and his glass half empty.
Fluttershy gave him a concerned look. “Are you alright?”
“I dunno!” He laughed.
Fluttershy’s eyes widened and she looked back at me to find a smile on my face. “That’s where I’m tryna get. I don’t even wanna remember today.”
“What’s the point in going that far?” Fluttershy asked, worry written all over her face.
I gave her a smooch and she pulled away, putting her hands on my shoulders. “Flutters, it’s all good! The boys are just getting together for a bite and to make a bad day better is all.”
“... Wh-Why is it a bad day?” She asked foolishly.
I was high enough to tell her the truth. “Well, Garrison is dying pretty quickly and I just watched my brother get tortured to death over the course of three days by a woman who was supposed to have loved me. It’s kinda wig-splittin’, y’know? Like, seeing your sibling die the most gruesome death you ever done seen on top a’ knowing that it was all your fault means that it’s a good day ta get fucked up. So that’s whassup.”
Fluttershy’s jaw dropped. “A-Are you being serious?”
“Eeyup.” Max answered for me.
“Woo! I’m dyin’!” Garrison cheered.
I shrugged. “Ain’t worried about it right now, but that’s because I am incredibly high right now. Wanna hit an L and start getting high with me?”
“I-Is that why my head feels funny? You let Shade get high?”
“‘Let’ is such an accusatory word.” I said, still grinning. “Why don’t we go with, ‘Shade got high’?”
Fluttershy gave me a sad look. “Wh-When is it gonna wear off?”
“It’ll be over in a couple hours, but we could always get super baked and find stuff to do.” I wiggled my brows at her.
Fluttershy kept frowning. “... I don’t like seeing you like this, Jay.”
“I don’t like reliving every moment of my brother’s death.” I replied.
“... Jay, I-I’m really worried about you right now.”
“You should be. The guy’s a hair away from going off of the deep end right now.” Max said blithely.
Fluttershy hugged me and I hugged her back, sighing. “Y’know? It’s already warm outside, but you’re just so much nicer, Flutters. Your warmth is like comin’ outta the cold and into a nice, warm house with a cup a’ cocoa waiting on you in your favourite chair next to the fireplace”
She hugged me a little tighter. “I care about you, Jay. Talk to me.”
“Can I have a steak first?” I asked, not really wanting to talk.
“What’s a steak?”
Max stabbed one with his prongs and held it up. “This is a steak.”
She winced, but sniffed the air nonetheless. “... It smells good, at least.”
Max tossed the steak to Harry, who was waiting nearby. The bear tore into his meat, and more of Fluttershy’s predators started coming around as Max tossed more cooked meat to them. There was a wolf, a cougar, a fox, another bear, and a badger who all showed up together to grab a snack, though while I was watching it, the fox faded off into the ether once it finished its meal, and the fucking massive wolf lead the new bear, badger, and cougar away from Fluttershy’s cabin, disappearing into the forest as they left. I scratched my head at that, but I had a steak in front of me and I planned on finishing it. Fluttershy also got a steak, but she got hers bloody, so I couldn’t watch her eat it. Garrison was passed out on the table since he’d finished his glass of liquor and half of his steak, and I had few doubts about whether or not he would wake up drunk or wake up hungover to Hell and back.
As the day shifted into night, Max put up some tiki torches and said, “Hey Fluttershy, feel free to bring any of your friends around to share in the festivities.”
“... It’s my house anyway.” She muttered from my arms.
I’d picked Fluttershy up and hadn’t put her down since my fifth shot of whiskey. “It might be your house, but it’s his planet.”
“... I need some estrogen in here.” Fluttershy sighed. “Can you let me go, Jay?”
I hugged her a little tighter. “I don’t wanna.”
“Please?”
I let up and sighed. “Fine, but I want some more cuddles later.”
“I-I’ve been on your lap for thirty minutes...” Fluttershy said softly.
“And it was a great thirty minutes!”: I gave her a big ol’ smile.
She smiled back shyly. “It has been nice... “
“Right? So why don’t you just stay here and let me hold you some more?”
Fluttershy leaned against me and let me hold her some more. “Never say that I don’t spoil you.” She teased.
I sipped my drink before she took it from me and drained the rest. “Hey! Now I actually have to let you go!”
Fluttershy made a horribly adorable face and started flapping a hand about as she tried to deal with the taste. “Eww! Why does it burn so much!? Why does it taste so bad!?”
“Because whiskey is made for effect, not for taste.” Max commented, sitting across from us and rolling a doobie.
I gave Fluttershy a look. “That was probably like, ten shots you just smashed. You’re about to be feeling it here in a sec.”
Max tossed me the L and started rolling another one, so I lit the one he’d tossed to me. “Atta boy.” He said casually. “Knew I wasn’t going to have to tell you how to get high.”
I took a couple puffs and passed it off to Fluttershy who looked at it suspiciously. “... What is it?”
“My favourite herb. You have some that you use for tea, actually.”
“Really?” She asked dubiously.
I nodded. “Yup.”
Fluttershy looked at the joint again and asked, “... So I just inhale?”
“Yup. Don't make yourself cough too hard, though.” I answered, chilling as she took her first hit.
Fluttershy didn’t cough at all, but she did smile. “It tastes a lot better than it smells.”
“Can’t say I like the taste too much, but it makes a lot of things even better. Like cuddling.”
“I’d love to keep cuddling,” She took a long drag off of the L and held it in like a champ, making my ‘gun’ ‘cock back’ and rest against just underneath Fluttershy’s lower cheek over the course of her pause, “but I’d like to go get the girls. I’ll be right back though, Sweetie.”
“You need a better pet name for me.” I groused playfully.
Fluttershy gave me a flirty smile and asked, “Does Caramel Bear sound better to you?”
“That’s fuckin’ adorable. You’re adorable.”
She giggled and got off of my lap, looking directly at my dick. “Jay, what do you have in your pocket?”
“... A thing of some sort.” I answered smoothly.
“Strange.” She commented before heading toward the cottage.
I locked eyes with Max and neither of us said a word until we heard Fluttershy close the door. When she did, Max asked, “She just stared at your dick, didn’t she.”
“That wasn’t even a question, Homes.”
“She also took the weed.”
“That bitch!” I looked at the door and surely enough, when I looked into the last two minutes, I could see a trail of smoke coming from Fluttershy.
A freshly rolled spliff hit me in the head, and upon catching it, I learned that it was lit. “Fuckin- Bitch nugget dick hugger!” I laughed, throwing the straw out of Fluttershy’s daiquiri at him.
Max grinned and gave me the fucked up British middle-finger-but-with-the-index-one-too-thing, so I flipped him off and puffed away at the J, taking it with me as I got up to grab a drink of something I actually wanted. “You just gonna fuck off with that, or do we have two weed thieves running around here?” Max asked.
I flipped him off again and ashed. “Throwin’ lit shit at people like ya done lost ya damn mind. Should be ‘shamed a’ yoself.”
Max got a laugh at the true thickness of my accent as I passed him the J. “Man, I fuckin’ love the way you talk sometimes.” He clapped a hand onto Garrison’s shoulder and the poor fellow jolted awake.
“Fuckin’ Furladra’s Furry Funbags! What the fuck!?” He gasped.
“Sober?” Max asked.
He tried to catch his breath and shook his head. “Dear Gods above, what the Hæl have you been making me take?”
“Alcohol and grass. The grass is probably what’s fuckin’ ya up right now to be straight with ya.” I said, hoping that Max would say ‘Fuck it’ and try to get him to smoke more.
“... Alright, so I’m pissed about that.” Garrison said shakily. “That’s good, right?”
“Yup.” Max replied, passing him the joint.
Garrison looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “Have you lost your mind?”
“Multiple times, but now’s not one of those times. Trust me on this.” Max sniffed and rubbed his nose.
“What happens if I don’t?” He asked, already taking a hit a moment after receiving the J.
“Well, all the weed around here has spiritual properties, so it’s slowly drawing your soul back into your body. I didn’t grow any of it, but I did ask a friend to fuck around with the timelines so that it would all grow naturally on Equis, thus making it a popular tea ingredient. Over the course of Fluttershy’s lifetime, she will lose one jar of each kind of weed she buys, but it will only have cost her three bits by the time she’s fifty.” Max sipped his drink with a smirk. “What can I say except you’re welcome?”
Garrison coughed like a bitch on his second hit and passed it off to me. “Th-Thanks Bruv.”
“I’d say no problem, but it was a huge problem. Fuckin’ pain in the arse, it was.” He grumbled. “Had to go through eight hundred different time travelers to get to the guy I was actually allotted to use for that nanosecond, and by the time I found him, he was preparing to go on vacation for the fortieth time this year! Lazy fourth-dimesional cock-suckin’ fuckers.”
“Thanks again, then. I guess I’ll have to bust arse to get your plans done then, no?”
“Please do.”
I finally found something I wanted to drink and sat back down, so we chatted about guy stuff and reminded each other what we were actually supposed to be talking about from time to time because all of us were deep fried and more than a little drunk by the time the girls showed up en masse. Ladesa wasn’t among their number, but I didn’t give a fuck about her. Garrison remembered to read his note and groaned about that for a couple minutes, but it’s not like any of the girls were outside to hear about it. They’d gone in after seeing our generally drunken state and it probably didn’t help that Max was loudly telling a sex joke as we ate more burgers. Many bathroom breaks were taken so we could keep drinking, and many joints were rolled to keep us nice and stoned. By the time we went inside, the girls were all asleep in various positions around the living room. Max and Garrison bid me goodbye after one last blunt in the shape of a rifle, and we parted ways with God and his sidekick heading to Sweet Apple Acres for something or other.
I found Fluttershy on the couch, but there wasn’t enough room for me to lie down with her. I’d drank myself sober at that point and my buzz from the herb was pretty much manageable, so I laid down next to Fluttershy on the sucky, sucky floor and intertwined my fingers with hers, her arm hanging down from the couch. I was clear-minded enough to know why I was still sad, but the shit in my system stopped the ache from being too bad. The contact with Fluttershy helped.
It helped more than she could ever know.
✧❖☬❖✧
“So do I have my soul back now, or what?” I asked.
Max shook his head. “You need to make Ladesa reject the deal if you want to live for more than a year, and that year would have to be spent getting fucked up all day.”
“Great. I don’t really want to force her to live on an alien planet though.” I replied uneasily.
“Live or die slow.” Max said simply.
“Tämä on paskapuhe.” I snarled angrily.
“Se on elämää.” Max replied flawlessly.
I spit on the ground. “Don’t I fuckin’ know it. Here’s hoping she doesn’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“Hope all you want. It tends to die quick in my experience.” Max grumbled bitterly.
“Tch. Thanks for the inspiration.”
“Hey... player! You’re really good at this game!”
“Fucking what?” I asked.
“Shoot for the Moon! Even if you miss, you’ll… something something stars!”
“Bruv, what the fuck are you talking about?”
“It’s in our moments of decision that destiny is shaped!”
“Max, seriously. Have you lost your bloody mind?”
He rolled his eyes. “You should be inspired. That was me. Being inspirational. Inspiring you.”
“I want to figure out to shoot a bloody bow with my feet so I can shoot myself in the face.”
“Changing our name to Face McShooty I see.” Max mused amusedly.
“Do you ever stop talking?”
He pulled a flask out of his jacket and started sipping on it. “Nope.”
“Do you ever stop drinking?”
“From time to time. It’s more fun for everyone if I have a flask on hand, though. Keeps me from throwing black-holes at random planets, you know. It’s also healthier than smoking tobacco. I think. Probably not in the amounts I drink it, but whatever. Yolo, am I right?”
“I don’t think I want to agree with that.”
“Fuckin’ don’t. It was stupid.”
I rolled my eyes. “Allfather, why are you so ridiculous?”
“Well son, when you live as long as I have, you learn to live in the moment, especially when you exist in the past, present, and future.”
“Ah.”
“Yeah, it sucks pretty hard to be honest with you.”
I didn’t have anything to say to that, so we continued on until Sweet Apple Acres came into view in rather quiet silence. It was nice to not hear anything, but I was still a little drunk from the night’s festivities and I wanted to sit down, so I spurred Max on and we picked up the pace a little bit before I stopped for a quick chucking. Once my stomach was voided of its contents, we got moving again and I wondered if my life could suck any harder than it did at that moment. I knew it could and would, but I was hoping that being incredibly haggard and exhausted would be the worst of my worries in the next few years.
Sweet Apple Acres came into view as my death neared, though that’s just me being a little melodramatic. Max did have to give me a bottle of odd tasting water so I wouldn’t be too dehydrated since I’d done pretty much nothing other than drink alcohol all night. It was a terrible way to spend my hours and I was rather irritated that I’d had to waste time getting blitzed when I could have been sleeping, but I’d been in for the pence in the beginning, so I couldn’t really complain about how much the pound was sucking. However, I could gripe to myself about whatever I wanted, so I did as I pleased and Max just gave me an amused look whenever I slipped up and said something that was actually intelligible.
“Regretting the whiskey?” Max asked flippantly, like he wasn’t even affected by the copious amounts of liquid courage he’d ingested over the course of the night.
“Regretting the everything.” I grumbled.
“Wanna know a great hangover cure?”
“Might as well.”
“Get yourself a bite of a sweet Mare. Not literally, of course, but there are things you can do wit dat mouf that’ll make them happy and cure your headache. Two birds, one stone.”
I gave him a dirty look. “Shut up, God.”
He chuckled and smiled. “True shit though, Mate.”
“If I thought I’d hurt you, I’d slug you in the kidney.”
He chuckled some more at that. “Used to be my go to move, that. A left hook to the kidney usually gave me plenty of time to run away, but that was before I was trained.”
We still had a ways to go until we reached the farmhouse, so I decided to ask, “So what was your training like? What was it even for?”
“First, I had two Masters, though both of them were female, so they’d be
Mistresses, but I don’t call either of them that.” Max explained. “Second, both of them were thousands of years old, and the first one to teach me, Noir, was easily six thousand by the time I laid eyes on her. My second Mistress was Princess Luna herself, though she and this world’s Luna would have been about the same age when we met them at our respective times.”
“If Luna is like Celestia, then I don’t want to be trained by her.” I said, scoffing.
“Mate, Celestia’s just bad right now because she doesn’t like you. You’ll have a better chance of befriending Luna, and learning from her wouldn’t be a bad idea if you want to kick arse like Odysseus and Maud.”
I took a moment to stare at him. “... You’re saying that I’m capable of that?”
“Eeyup.”
“... If Luna had a dick, I’d suck it. Between being able to fucking fly away and being able to move like Maud on the ground? Oh-ho-ho-ho, it’d take somethin’ awfully special to catch me then!” I rubbed my hands together, the thought of being that damned strong making them ache like I was about to sweep a mark.
“You’ll still get caught.” Max reminded me, shooting my plans in the foot. “Besides, that’s only if you even live past this little event.”
“Cheery fucker, aren’t you.” I deadpanned.
“Eye on the prize, Garrison.” Max said as we passed the gates leading to the property.
We didn’t talk much on the way to the farmhouse itself, and the trip to said farmhouse didn’t take all that long, all things said. Big MacIntosh answered the door when we arrived and let us in, but Ladesa was in the living room with Granny Smith, who greeted us by saying, “Well, well, well! If it ain’t the Party Colts!”
I gave Granny a small grin. “It wasn’t much of a party, but that’s not why we’re here anyway. Ladesa and I need to talk.”
The woman in question sighed. “That sounds about right. Let’s head outside.”
Max, Ladesa, and I vacated the premises shortly thereafter, and once we were out “Gauche, are you okay?”
“No. I’m currently dying.”
“... S’what I thought. Mum didn’t tell me that she sold your soul to bring me back to Heavensholm…” Ladesa said, hanging her head.
“Would you mind talking to her about not letting me die?” I asked politely.
Ladesa shook the head she wasn’t born with. “If Mum wants me back in Heavensholm, then there’s not much I can do about it until I actually go, but I think you’re workin’ against the clock, arentcha?”
Max nodded. “As it is, Garrison has about two weeks left in him without a soul if he wants to live a boring, grey life. If he wants to party every day until he’s sick of it, then he’ll last a year.”
Ladesa closed her eyes and folded her hands, pressing her index fingers against her mouth and letting her chin rest on her thumbs. “... I’m sorry, Gauche. I really wish you hadn’t been dragged inta this shite.
I shrugged. “It is what it is, I suppose. Though there is one thing I want to ask.”
She nodded. “I’m listening.”
“If I die and I don’t somehow manage to find my way back, will you take the Warbling Blade and return it to Avalesce?” I requested softly.
She nodded again. “Consider it a done deal, veli.”
I returned her nod. “Thank you, sisko.”
Max took a deep breath and sighed hard. “I really don’t like dealing with this shit. Garrison?”
“Yeah?”
“Have fun dying. Just remember to have someone put you down for good instead of trying to extend the suffering for longer than necessary.”
I gave him a thumbs up. “I’ll be sure to die slowly and miserably, as per your request.”
Max just shook his head, snapped his fingers, and popped out of existence right in front of me like that nonsense was just going to be a part of my everyday life from that point forward. I sighed again and pinched the bridge of my nose until Ladesa asked, “Heya, Gauche? Ya wanna go for a quick walk?”
I was tempted to sigh again, but instead I went with, “Sure thing, Raspberry. Anywhere you want to go in particular?”
“Mulekick Woods sound good to you?” She asked needlessly.
I nodded. “Sounds fine.”
Ladesa bit her lip and started leading the way, and as we walked, we talked about inane things, but I couldn’t stop the feeling of foreboding I had on the walk I was taking with her. Something was wrong in the world and it wasn’t the fact that I was missing my soul. After awhile, Ladesa started telling me about her childhood and how she’d been born as a child instead of as a baby. That in itself was remarkable, but what was even more interesting was the fact that Furladra had never bothered to mentor her daughter at all. Every good thief needs a good teacher, and I was wondering why Furladra wouldn’t bother to help her daughter if she wanted her to be a good thief when my gut suddenly dropped through my crotch (Metaphorically, of course) and I felt the mild desire to step to the right. By that, I mean I felt like I needed to launch myself to the right like I was about to get hit by a three hundred pound brute, but for some odd reason, my feet were frozen to the ground and I couldn’t get myself to move.
When Ladesa’s dagger hit my chest, I just looked down at it before looking to her in shock, the tears streaming down her face confusing me to no end. Well, I saw the end and it was the hilt of her blade, deep in my chest, making my heart ache as the blade pierced it. In that moment, I felt my living-fluid start seeping out of me, taking all of my warmth with it as Ladesa’s face collapsed completely, her hand letting go of the knife as she begged my forgiveness and apologized in turn time and time again. I didn’t know what to make of the event until an arrow struck me in the middle of my chest, knocking me off of my feet and sending me to the ground with no issues.
As I lay on the cool, damp earth, I couldn’t help but feel… At peace, I guess. I don’t truly know how to describe it, but I did know, however, that it was a nice feeling to have, and that the dull ache in my chest wasn’t all that bad when compared to the creeping chill that started to overtake me as the sounds and sights of the living world fell away to reveal the pitch black void. Everyone whose opinion I respected in Avalesce told me that I was either going to meet my end by the tip of an arrow or the edge of a blade, but I had my doubts about that my whole life. Now that I was either dead or rapidly dying, I didn’t really find the humour in so many people being right, even if it was only four or five people total. As I gazed into the nothingness, one odd thing never left my mind.
Why in the unholy name of Dissida did Max let Ladesa kill me?