//------------------------------//
// Pinch Hitter 
// Story: Sunset Shimmer vs Schadenfreude 
// by Daemon McRae 
//------------------------------//

Sunset Shimmer and Schadenfreude had a few things in common, which Sunset was more than loathe to admit. They both had the capacity to be horrible people. They were both skilled manipulators. They both had really rather fantastic hair. However, while Sunset was an ex-villain curently living a life of peace, goodwill, and repentance, Schaden was exactly the kind of antihero who used his powers of villainy for the greater good. He had so much practice in this particular field, in fact, that he was one of only a very small handful of people she had gone out of her way no not antagonize during her reign as Queen of Canterlot High.

A fact she was reminded of every time she watched him work. She and the other girls, who had all gathered around a rather large circular table, simply sat back in awe as Schaden made phone call after phone call, writing constantly and rifling through his notes like they were the Anarchist’s Cookbook. “Yeah, hi dad!” he said, after his latest call connected. “Listen, I need some… work done down at the Pier. You got anything for me on a… Lazy Susan catering, the owners of Pier One-Five, and Harborside Hotel and Gatherings? Yeah-huh? Yes, yes I know. I don’t need financials. Yes, my forms are up to date. YES, I TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE. No, I haven’t heard from mom lately. No. No it’s ok. Yeah. Ok, Harborside first? Cool.”

There was an awkward pause as Schaden started taking notes like crazy, punctuated with ‘yeahs’ and ‘uh-hus’ and a few bad jokes. Sunset looked to Pinkie, and the later mouthed, ‘Mom?’ Sunset shook her head. She had no idea, either. The other girls just sat back in silence as their token madman went about his work, until he hung up with a “Love you too, dad.” He put his phone down, organized his notes, then gestured wordlessly to Pixel Pizzazz, who had spent a good deal of time ignoring the proceedings via her phone. Lyra elbowed her, and she sat up and caught Schaden’s eye. The boy was already on the phone, but gave her a thumbs up.

“Yes, hello! My name is Schadenfreude von Douchehorse, and I’m on the Canterlot High Fall Formal Planning Committee. Yes, yes it’s quite the mouthful. Is there any chance Mr. Side is in the office? Yes, Sea Side. No, he’s not expecting my call. Yes, it’s important. Yes, I’ll hold,” he said, and paused for a second. Putting his hand over the mic on his phone, he said quietly, “Watch this. YES!” he said enthusiastically, returning his attention to his phone. “Mr. Side, it’s good to speak to you! My name is Schadenfreude. Yes. Von Douchehorse. Yes. Yes my father is doing well. Thank you. I’ll tell him you said so. Hey, while I have you, I’m helping put together this thing for Canterlot High at the- yes the Pier. Listen, someone somewhere in your company said something about not allowing outside equipment to get hooked up to your sound system? Yes. Oh, believe me, I get the warranties thing. There’s something that confuses me, however. I understand that you have a contract with Loudhouse Sound Systems. Believe me, I’m no stranger to fine print. I just thought that maybe they’d be a little more lenient considering you’re already using Glassbreaker speakers on your main stage? Yes. Yes I’m at the Pier right now. I know you’re busy, I mean I could always call them myself and ask- no? Oh, of course. I’ll hold.”

Schaden held the phone against his shoulder, waiting patiently. Pixel gave him a look, to which he responded, “Give it a minute.”

It didn’t even take that long. Pixel’s phone rang on the table in front of her, which she answered quickly. “Sup? Hey Vinyl. Oh they… already? Yeah, I think Schaden took care of it. I mean, I just watched him do… something. Yeah, I’ll be back there in a minute.” She hung up her phone, stood up from the table, and gave Schaden a curious raised eyebrow. “I’m not going to ask how that happened.”

Schaden nodded, and said quietly, “It’s better for both of us that way. Hello!” he siad cheerfully, returning to the phone. “Yes Mr. Side. Yes it’s all taken care of. Thank you very much! Oh of course! My dad loves golf! Yes, let me get you his office number- oh, you have it! Wonderful. No, I don’t think he’s busy on Sunday, but you might want to call him now. His schedule fills quickly, with clients as important as you to tend to. Oh, psh. You have a wonderful day!”

Sunset had settled for leaning back in her chair and crossing her legs comfortably while Schaden worked, both mesmerized and appalled by his efficiency. He wasn’t even off the phone for five seconds before he was making another call. “Yes, I’m calling for Ms. Susan? Yes, I’ll hold.” He palmed his phone again, gesturing for Pinkie to pay attention. “Yeah? Hello! My name is Schadenfreude von Douchehorse, and- yes that’s my dad. No, no you’re not in trouble, ma’am. I just had a couple of questions to ask you about a local catering gig you were approached for? The Pier. Yes, Canterlot High. I’m on the Planning Committee. No, I understand. Really I do. It’s healthy competition. Listen, though, I was just talking to my father- no, ma’am. No. Wouldn’t dream of it. Just thought you might like to know that there’s a sizable workforce tax credit available to collaborative projects under a certain budget. Yes, it counts as a charity deduction if you- yes. Approximately two thousand, plus initial expenses. You know how charitable deductions are. Yes of course. No, I’ll stay on the line.”

Schaden tucked his phone against his shoulder again and told Pinkie, “Call Mrs. Cake.”

There was a pause as he returned to his call. “Yes, I think that would work fine. Nothing so fancy, ma’am. Yes. Of course, my father would love to hear from you. Of course! He loves halibut. No, thank you.”

Hanging up the call, he turned his attention to Pinkie Pie, who was currently on her own phone. “Hi Mrs. Cake! What? What?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! How- no, nevermind. I know how. Yeah. Of course I’m free to babysit this weekend! Yeah! Okie-doki-loki!”

There was a pause around the table, as everyone looked expectantly at Pinkie Pie. Eventually, Lyra broke the silence. “And?”

Pinkie bounced cheerfully in her chair. “Mrs. Cake said Ms. Susan called! Well, not Ms. Susan, but her office! They’re catering the whole event again. For free!”

Lyra and Bon-Bon’s jaws made lout thumping sounds as they hit the floor. “How?!”

“Taxes, baby,” Schaden said smugly.

Pinkie just stood up and smiled largely. “Thanks, Schadie!” she cheered, and ran off, dialing her phone again.

Sunset had seen Schaden at work before, immediately after the Friendship Games. She was one of the few people who knew exactly how all of the property damage had gotten cleaned up so quickly, without incident or report, and she was keeping quiet. Mainly because she’d had to sign a bunch of forms first. Lyra and Bon-Bon, however, had never seen the more efficient side of Schaden’s awful, annoying, and manipulative nature.

Which was why they were a little less-than-patient with their own results. “Aren’t you going to, you know, make another call? Something about the Pier?” Lyra insisted. “And the decorations?”

It was Sunset’s turn to look smug. “Have patience, young padawan. All will be revealed in time.”

Bon-Bon gave her a curt look. “Oh, sure. Like he’s gonna lift a finger to help with the decorations. What’s fifty bucks in streamers and lights when he gets the whole catering gig for a song-” she was quickly interrupted as a side door burst open, and a rather bothered-looking Pier worker stomped into the room, holding a large box of decorations.

“Here!” she whined. She couldn’t have been more than nineteen, and already looked more world-weary than some of their teachers. “You can have your stupid decorations! Do you have any idea how loud my boss gets when someone pokes his money with a stick?! I’m lucky I still have eardrums!”

“Thanks, Oddjob,” Schaden said cheerfully.

The girl wheeled around on him. “YOU! Why is it always you?! First the construction company I worked for goes under, just because someone happened to point out that the dock they made for their camp was made with old wood! Then I lose my job at the mall because I accidentally set all of the TV’s to play the same music video at the same time! I mean, how was I supposed to know I would incite a giant monster rampage?! And now my boss wants me to help set up all these decorations myself?! Just because I tied to keep to his stupid cheap-ass corporate policy!” She sighed, having run out of steam. “I’m starting to miss Greasy’s.” She plodded off, pulling out a cigarette and throwing open the front door for what they all assumed was a moment of peace.

Bon-Bon’s eyebrows lifted quickly. “Remind me to never ever make you mad.”

Schaden smiled warmly. “Who said I was mad?”