Side A - The Guard

by daOtterGuy


Chocolate and Oranges

Flash galloped quickly across the slick marble floors of the palace. Thankfully, he had gotten proficient at sliding turns, so he managed not to run into anything delicate. He soon saw his destination in front of him: guard post number eleven. It was located just outside the inner gardens.

He threw his hooves in front of him and skid to a stop perfectly into his post. With quick precision from years of practice, Flash stood tall and went into generic guard position number three: stand tall, chest puffed out, and look stoic.

If he was the type to brag, which he was, Flash would say that he had the most impressive stopping ability after running full gallop in guard armour. He would also continue to say that he wasn’t even tired from doing it all day but If he was being honest, he’d complain about how his lungs were on fire and he felt like a puddle given solid form from how much he was sweating under his armour.

The cardio he was getting was doing wonders for his physique, and he looked forward to Cocoa’s reaction when he took off his armour later and he showed off how damn sexy he looked. Right now however, Flash broke his steadfast stance and instead decidedly unsexily gasped and wheezed on a nearby column in the corridor desperately sucking in air.

It wasn’t his fault, though, that he was this tired. He definitely wasn’t out of shape and if anypony claimed otherwise, Flash would dare that pony to cover an entire wing of the castle with twenty-two different posts while galloping at full speed on slick marble floors in full plate mail.

He could definitely skip cardio that week or several.

Flash was pretty sick of being one of the only guards not assigned to other duties or on suspension. The only reason he was covering that many posts was because of what had happened at the Guard Gala last week.

When the noble ponies had crashed the party to harass the guards out of their favourite catering location, the completely unexpected, by which Flash meant completely expected, outcome happened in which the guard ponies didn’t appreciate the jerks and decided to fight back. Physically.

On one hoof, the spectacle was hilarious. The guards had gotten bored of just wrestling the nobles into submission by the end of the evening and decided to mix in siege weaponry that had been, for whatever reason, stored in a side corridor of the dome. Something about Celestia needing catapults to deal with certain unruly delegates that didn’t know when to keep their various appendages to themselves and banishment to the moon being impractical.

Regardless, the results were a beautiful concert of screaming noble ponies, several of which found out they actually really liked being launched into the air via siege weaponry and had bought a few of more worn down catapults after the party for ‘personal reasons’.

Flash decided he didn’t want to know the details.

The downside of that debacle was that disciplinary action had to be given. This was done begrudgingly as the higher ups, including Celestia and Luna, all agreed that the noble ponies were insufferable. This resulted in several suspensions, free escort duty for the nobles, and the worst of the worst of patrols out in the city proper.

Flash’s friends Pine Sap, Silver Mist, and Status Quo in particular were given escort duty to the most pompous of the nobles: Prince Blueblood. This was due to a very rousing wrestling match involving a perfectly executed backbreaker and a rather vicious diving headbutt. The last move was done by, of all ponies, Status Quo who had snapped and decided to ‘teach these barbaric ponies some manners’.

The irony of doing so while performing a diving headbutt from the second floor balcony of the dome whilst screaming obscenities at Prince Blueblood was lost on him.

Shining didn’t get off scot free either as Cadence was a real screamer, and Captain Blue Charge has a hearing level above deaf.

Captain Blue Charge had complimented both of them on their flexibility, form and their ability to make it work upside down without the use of magic or wings. He then followed that statement by giving them the most vicious reprimand about how ‘Celestia damn stupid’ they both were considering their positions as a high ranking member of the Guard and Princess of Equestria.

Princess Celestia had intervened afterwards and ‘punished’ Shining Armour by making him be Princess Cadence’s escort - of both varieties if Flash guessed right - on her tour of Manehattan, Cloudsdale, and Trottingham. This was met with shame and apologies form Shining that fell flat as he couldn’t stop his tail from wagging every other second while doing so.

Also, knowing Celestia, she probably hoof bumped the both of them and then asked for details.

So, through some strange twist of fate, Flash had been of the few well behaved guards that hadn’t done anything wrong. When he told Shining, he called him a liar. This meant that Flash was covering a lot of posts, which mainly meant galloping from post to post over stupidly large sections of the palace like some crazed maniac.

“I would do a whole lot for a glass of mango juice and a sandwich right about now,” Flash grumbled out to nopony in particular.

“Why not both?”

Flash blinked. He looked around and couldn’t find anypony nearby. He was positive he had heard somepony speak. Flash wnow worried that he had been overworking himself this week when he looked down and noticed a tall glass of some liquid in front of him.

Flash blinked and inspected the unknown substance. It was a tall glass of a creamy white goo with flecks of bright colour all throughout it. Flash took a tentative sniff and he took in the scent of bread and his second favourite scent in the world: mangos.

Obviously his favourite one was Cocoa.

Flash picked up the glass in a hoof and swirled the glass tentatively. It sloshed around and looked disgusting, but it smelled like mangos. Mangos have never lied to Flash before and he could really use a drink, so, with some apprehension, he gulped and drained the entire glass.

Flash smacked his lips as he mulled over the taste of a cucumber sandwich mixed with a mango smoothie.

“Needs pickles,” Flash thought aloud.

A loud laugh echoed around him and Flash heard a distinctive snap. He then found himself sitting at a table made of cheese on a giant loaf of bread. His armour and weapon were both gone. He panicked about being so defenseless in an unknown situation but then looked up and tilted his head in puzzlement.

Sitting across from him on another loaf of bread was a serpent like creature with a mismatch of body parts from several different beasts. It had horns and wings as well as two yellow eyes that seemed to twinkle with mischief.

“I’ll keep the pickles idea in mind for the next prototype of my lunch on the go,” the creature grinned with far too many teeth.

Flash blinked, “Who are you?”

“Ah, ponies always want to know what I am. Gets old, but I suppose I shall make yet another exception for you my fine pegasus friend,” the creature waved a hand dramatically, “Well, good stallion I-”

“Nah, I don’t need to know that,” Flash waved a hoof to interrupt while shaking his head, “I asked who not what, though I gotta admit I like the weird look you got going on.”

The creature laughed uproariously, “Oh, you are much better than those other more boring ponies. I am known simply as Discord; Master of chaos and all around sexiest beast alive.”

“Well, that can’t be true,” Flash grinned, “My colt friend is clearly better. The sexy beast part not the Master of Chaos part,” Flash pondered a moment with an idle hoof and then added, “At least I think not the chaos part.”

“Well, I can tell you that you’re missing out,” Discord snapped his fingers and reappeared laid out on the table in a frilly dress with matching parasol, “I’m one of the finest specimens in Equestria.”

Flash giggled, “You definitely look interesting, but I prefer my Bugaboo.”

Discord reappeared in his seat, smirking, “Well your loss. Who’s the lucky creature?”

“What do you mean by creature?” Flash asked nervously.

“Oh, please,” Discord rolled a pair of eyes in his hand then ate them, “You hardly even batted an eye at me when I appeared and haven’t galloped off screaming. You’re either dating one very strange pony or something that isn’t a pony. No way someone boring could please you.”

“N-No,” Flash could feel some sweat starting to trickle down his face, “My colt friend is a normal pony. Definitely, normal. As normal as can be.”

“Uh huh, and I didn’t get turned to stone by Celestia for doing things ‘I shouldn’t have,” Discord conjured two free floating hands to emphasize his point with finger quotes, “Look, even if I wanted too, nopony would believe me. Your colt friend’s secret is safe with me.”

“You got turned to stone?” Flash inquired.

“Yes,” Discord glared, “I had disagreement with Princess Celestia on what was ‘too far’.”

“With Cel-,” Flash stopped himself, “Princess Celestia? That doesn’t sound like something she would do.”

“It isn’t, but I admit that I forced her hoof, something to which I rather regret. Teaches me for asking for permission before trying new things,” Discord grinned widely and folded his arms under his chin, “Now, your colt friend. What is he?”

Flash bit his lip, “I, well, he’s a… Changeling. They’re shapeshifting bug mooses.”

“Bug Moose?! BUG MOOSE?!” Discord laughed hysterically and banged his hands on the table, “Oh I am so calling Chrysie that when I see her next. She hates mooses.”

“Chrysie?” Flash frowned.

“Not something to concern yourself with,” Discord tapped a claw on his chin contemplatively, “yet. Though you are definitely a strange one. A pony to be dating a Changeling is something that hasn’t happened in… centuries? Even when Changelings and ponies were on ‘good’ terms they usually ran screaming,” Discord snapped his fingers and two miniature ponies galloped across the table with a big and scary moose with spider legs chasing after them, “You aren’t bothered about dating one?”

“Nope, and I think his bug form is super hot,” Flash had a dopey grin on his face, “I especially like his antlers. Taste like licorice.”

Discord snorted, “Of course, they’re the best part from personal experience,” Discord turned his expression to thoughtful, “Actually if you promise to keep licking your colt friend’s antlers I’ll give you a cookie. I would love to know some ‘ling is horribly uncomfortable at any given time.”

Flash nodded eagerly in response with a wide eyed expression. Flash wasn’t going to turn down a free cookie. Discord snapped his fingers and a teacup appeared in Flash’s hooves. With no hesitation, Flash took a large bite of the teacup.

“Chocolate Chip,” Flash took another bite, “Really good chocolate chip.”

Discord laughed again, “Why would you eat a teacup? You had no reason to believe I had actually given you a cookie.”

“I feel like I can trust you,” Flash shrugged.

Discord stared at him. He then glanced at Flash’s cutie mark, which caused Flash to fidget uncomfortably.

“Uh, something wrong?” Flash asked nervously.

Discord blinked, “Do you have a broken mark?”

Flash went rigid. That was not a term anypony or rather anyone was supposed to know. It set off a few red flags in Flash’s mind.

“I-I don’t know what you mean,” Flash nervously replied.

“Ah, so you do,” Discord nodded his head sagely, “That would be why I haven’t wanted to turn you into a carrot and have you chased by rabbits yet.”

“Um, thank you for not doing that?” Flash said questioningly.

“You’re welcome,” Discord grinned, “You know what Flashy, I like you.”

“Uh, did I tell you my name?” Flash was starting to get a little nervous with how much Discord knew.

“Nope,” Discord snapped his fingers and name tags appeared on both of them reading ‘Steve’, “Doesn’t matter though. I’m here to help you out good buddy.”

“Me?” Flash asked, “Good buddy?”

“You and yes,” Discord grinned with mischievously, “What do you want?”

“A mango?”

Discord snapped his fingers and a most perfect looking mango appeared in front of Flash. It was promptly devoured in a single delicious bite and followed by a moan of pleasure.

“That was bestest mango I have ever eaten,” Flash grinned happily as he wagged his tail.

“Of course it was,” Discord said while puffing out his chest, “I’m the greatest Chaos Master alive. Especially since I’m the only one. Now, something a bit more ambitious?”

Flash grinned widely with foalish glee, “Two mangos. No, no, no, wait. Ten mangos.”

“Okay, Flashy baby” Discord started, “I know mangos are pretty good-”

“You mean the best.”

“-But I am a Master of Chaos that can bend and shape reality with a literal snap of my fingers. Are you sure there isn’t something you would prefer more than a fruit you can buy down the street?”

Flash blinked and then thought hard for a moment, “... A mango the size of my house?”

“Okay Flash, as much as I would love to see the faces on those other much more boring ponies upon seeing a giant mango rolling through Canterlot and levelling half the city, I’m going to ask you not pick something mango related,” Discord said whilst grinning broadly, “What about your colt friend? Want something from him?” Discord leaned in and wiggled his eyebrows, “I could give him something for you to really enjoy down under.”

“Nah, it’s plenty big enough already,” Flash giggled dopely to himself, “But, well there is one thing-”

“Oh is there?” Discord leaned across the table to be near Flash and fluttered his eyes, “Trouble in chocolate paradise?”

“I’m going to ignore the fact that I’m pretty sure you knew who my colt friend was before we even started this conversation,” Flash hung his head morosely, “Well, I really like him, but he won’t well...”

“Well, what?” Discord asked, “Play polo with you? Go swimming? Commit arson? Buy you mangos?”

“Have sex with me,” Flash mumbled.

“Oh, well that’s easily fixed. I’ll just snap my fingers and he’ll practically want to jump right-”

“No!” Flash jumped up in a panic, “I don’t want him to be forced into having sex with me.”

“Well, then why doesn’t he?” Discord reappeared in his chair once more while munching on a teacup, “”By pony standards I think you’re a fairly good looking specimen. Wouldn’t know personally of course.”

“I don’t know,” Flash mumbled, “Apparently a bunch of voices in his head said he shouldn’t.”

“Oh, that’s unfortunate, always sucks when your brain turns … wait a minute,” Discord stopped, “Cocoa is a Changeling, right?”

“Yeah,” Flash then giggled, “my sexy bug.”

“OH,” Discord smacked his head with a claw, “I know why he won’t have sex with you now. Yes, I can fix that,” Discord held up a clawed finger to stop Flash from speaking, “And I promise I’m not making him do it against his will.”

Flash bit his lip in hesitation, “Well… as long as it’s not going to hurt him either.”

“Great, it’s decided then. I’ll get to that right now,” Discord then looked up in contemplation, “Actually, now that I think about it, I might even go visit a few other ponies and see how they’re doing. There was that Wonderbolt I had heard about.”

“Oh, that’s pretty awesome of you,” Flash said happily, “And thanks for this. I really just want to know if Cocoa really is okay with me.”

“No problem, Flashy. Don’t mention it,” Discord then snapped his fingers and Flash felt a slight tingle course through him, “Seriously though, don’t. I will kindly and forcibly ask that you don’t talk about our little conversation. I’d like a little more time in Equestria to do some shenanigans before I inevitably get turned back to stone. Though, you can tell Celestia later on when you need to.”

“But I have to tell my Captain about what I saw on my patrols. It’s my job,” Flash then blinked and clued into the tingle from before, “I can’t now, even if I wanted to, can I?”

Discord clicked his tongue and winked, “No you cannot, but enough of that. I have some ponies to visit and only so much time before Sunbutt catches on. Tata!”

Discord snapped his fingers and Flash found himself back in his armour standing in the spot he was supposed to be at. Discord was nowhere to be found.

He thought back on the conversation and realized he might be able to have sex with his colt friend soon. The thing he had been wanting to do since they had started dating.

His shift couldn’t go by any faster.

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Flash arrived home and held back his excitement. Discord had said he would have helped Cocoa get over his whatever and let him be intimate with him that night. He had also put a spell on him that causes Flash to burp bubbles whenever he tries to tell others about Discord.

Flash had found himself repeating the mantra ‘please don’t be brainwashed to want to be with me’ ever since he had left the castle.

Flash took his armour off and left it unceremoniously on the floor in the entrance hall. He flicked his ears as he listened for Cocoa and heard the soft sound of something being chopped with a knife in the dining room.

He trotted towards the sound and found Cocoa slicing up a large chocolate ball of something into thin slices. Cocoa popped one of the pieces into his mouth and swallowed. He smiled at the result and continued to chop more of the chocolate.

Flash tapped his hoof on the floor to get Cocoa’s attention.

“Ah, you’re back,” Cocoa smiled warmly, “Here, try a slice. It’s a new creation I made today and I think you’ll like the results.”

Flash grinned and sat down at the table. He took one of the cut chocolate slices and popped it into his mouth. As he bit down, he tasted the sweet and rich taste of milk chocolate with the citrus wonder of mangos.

“Cocoa,” Flash felt excitement begin to bubble up, “Did you just make a chocolate mango?”

Cocoa smirked, “You were the inspiration for this particular treat.”

Flash couldn’t contain the foalish grin that forced its way onto his face. He quickly reached for another slice but was smacked by Cocoa’s hoof. Flash took his hoof back and suckled on it. That had hurt.

“I don’t think so,” Cocoa sternly told Flash, “Last time you got addicted to a new treat of mine,  you ate the entire supply and had trouble getting into your armour for the week.”

He was talking about the hazelnut chocolate poppers. Flash regretted nothing.

“Ah, but they taste so good,” Flash whined, “They’re my two favourite things put together.”

“Like you and me?”

Flash blinked. He was surprised Cocoa had said something so… romantic. Cocoa was smiling at him in a way that made Flash feel really warm inside. He couldn’t really place the exact feeling, but it wasn’t anything like lust or attraction. It was just warm.

“Yeah,” Flash said softly, “Like us.”

“Arguably the best thing in Equestria,” Cocoa smirked, “You know, I might be willing to let you have another one with a small condition.”

Flash was a little put off by the sudden subject change but still wagged his tail in excitement at the prospect of getting another bite, “Oh, how?”

Cocoa popped a slice of chocolate mango into his mouth and then kept one end sticking out. He leaned forward toward Flash and grinned around the piece of chocolate while batting his eyes and cocking his eyebrows suggestively.

Flash found himself dumbfounded. Cocoa was flirting with him. Cocoa was flirting with him. His colt friend didn’t do that. Before, he would always tell Flash that he wasn’t ready. There was no way this was happening. Even though Discord had said he would do something, Flash hadn’t actually believed anything would change.

“You’ve been patient enough,” Cocoa said around the chocolate slice.

Cocoa told him he didn’t have to wait anymore. It was real. This was real. Cocoa was flirting with him. He was ready.

With a large amount of apprehension and nervousness, Flash leaned in and grabbed the offered  chocolate into his mouth. Flash bit his side off and ate the citrus treat quickly while Cocoa did the same. He then leaned in forward and kissed Flash on the mouth.

The wait was worth it. His colt friend’s lips tasted of sweet chocolate and he could feel himself heating up form the contact.

Testing the waters, Flash probed forward with his tongue and Cocoa complied. They stayed at the dining room table for a few minutes making out until Cocoa pulled away. It was far too soon for Flash’s liking.

Flash whined piteously after him but stopped when Cocoa got out of his chair and flicked his tail under Flash’s muzzle.

With a sway of what Flash considered to be the sexiest set of flanks he had ever seen, Cocoa pranced towards the stairs. He turned back once to look at Flash and gave the most seductive grin Flash had ever seen. That grin promised many many things.

Flash didn’t even noticed he had flipped his chair over in his rush to follow after him.