//------------------------------// // Episode 22: Paraspite Non-Lethal Extermination Operation // Story: I Have No Mouth, and I Must Squee ( A Comment Driven Story) // by Down with Chrysalis //------------------------------// strangephantasm's Comment As the Parasprites buzz all around you in a chaotic mess you notice how they aren't eating any of the books or furniture yet. This causes you to let out a sigh of relief as you think, Good, these pests haven't gone full on eating rampage yet. If even one of them gets close to eating the words off a book then goodbye non-lethal hello bug zapper spell...or something like that at least. Shaking your head to get back on track you think, Okay, game-plan time! The best thing I can do is prevent Twilight from using her spell on these guys, which should be awhile since there was at least two other attempts before the spell happens. In the meantime I should go around and try to take care of as many as I can, then when the spell happens stop Twilight and help Pinkie with leading them out. Nodding your head at the plan you look around at the buzzing swarm and smirk. Okay, time to exterminate some bugs, non-lethal style! Can’t exactly build a good image with the ponies if I’m covered in bug guts after all. With that thought you pick up the Havoc Staff and... CroisS unnyPlay's Comment Snatch one out of the air and hold it in front of you. The little monster looks at you with an innocent look and big sparkly googley eyes. Nyeh! That won’t work on me you little pest I’m made of harder stuff! You steel yourself, but even still, despite knowing what will happen, they do look rather cute. Hmmm, I wonder if I can keep one of these parasprites and train it to be one of my minions? It could be really useful for subduing enemies. Yes, I can see it now, when I face He-Man he shall face an endless swarm of adorable abominations! NYEEHHHH!!! Sadly, you realize what the problem on that would be. But then again how would I keep these tiny monstrosities away from my food? Aargh! There's always gotta be some kind of catch! You shall be safe for now, He-Man, but mark my words, I will have an army of super powered minions go after your ass, and have them make you mute like me, so you can never sing that stupid tune again!!! NYYYEEEHHHH!!! With the obligatory tangent over with, you notice how some of the Parasprites have started clinging to your jaw, essentially giving you a beard of various colors. ... AAAAHHHHHHH!!! GET THEM OFF!!! BEASTWOMAN, DO SOMETHING!!!! You run around waving your arms and shouting 'NYEH!!!' as your BeastWoman wakes up in shock at your sudden shouting. She looks around with tired eyes as she mumbles out, "Wha...Master what is nois-MASTER!?" Noticing your panicking form with the bugs clinging to your face Tina takes action and tries to help, but can't get you to hold still so she can take the Parasprites off. In you desperation, you decide to bang your head against a wall to make them go away. *CRASH* Well, the good news is that it worked, the Parasprites fly away from your face. The bad news is that you now have a bad headache. The worse news is that you put a hole in the wall. ... This is your fault, Beastwoman! NYEH!!! You shake your fist at her, which causes her to wilt her ears. "Oops, sorry Master." You roll your eyes at this and try and fail to get your head unstuck from the new hole in the library. God dang it, I was hoping to avoid property damage for a reason! You think in resignation as your arms hang limply. Looks like I don't have a choice, sorry in advance Twilight! With that mental apology you use your superior strength to break the wall. Just in time as Twilight runs down from the upper floors and runs right through the newly made hole, not even stopping to question it as she rushes past you. You blink owlishly at that. Huh...I guess I'm still not used to Twilight's neuroticism in person. Oh well, time to get to work and defeat the adorable tiny monsters! With that thought you gesture to Tina to follow you as you prepare to exit the same way Twilight did. But before you even step out the hole... Jaro45's Comment "Wait for me Twilight!" You turn and see Spike rushing down the stairs. I almost forgot about Spike! Ah hell, what did he do this episode again? Ugh I can't remember! Time to take preemptive measures! Thinking quickly you put your arm out and stop Spike before he runs past you. He looks at you in confusion and asks, "Skeletor!? Why'd you stop me, I need to help Twilight!" I know little guy, but I gotta make sure you don't get into any trouble while I go about my non lethal massacre. You quickly sketch a picture of Spike breathing fire on the Parasprites with a big red x through it and show it to Spike. He looks confused for a bit before nodding in understanding and saying, "Oh! You don't want me to use my fire on them right? Is it because I might accidently send them to the princess?" Yeah, you nod your head at Spike’s assumption. I mean I don't know if you did that or not this episode, but hey can't be too careful. "Okay, I promise I won't! Now I gotta catch up with Twilight and try to help her out!" With that said the little drake continues on his way to get to Twilight. As you watch him run off you suddenly realize something that causes you to facepalm, Ah drat I should have told him to tell Twilight not to use any magic! Dang it! Sighing, you look around the town as the Parasprites begin to eat any food they come across. Ugh, I'll just have to deal with it later. For now I got a town to ‘save’ and some annoying pests to take care of. Hmmm, I should save the staff for when I have a bigger audience. With that thought you holster the Havoc Staff down the back of your poncho as you and Tina... Twilight_the_spy's Comment Start to run around while clapping to the beat of We Will Rock You. Well, you are anyway, Tina's just kinda clapping a random beat while following your example. Each clap causes a good handful of Parasprites to fall to the ground injured or dazed. Take that you pitiful bugs! Fear the might of Skeletor and his Beastwoman's mighty hand claps! You Got Mud on Your Face! *CLAP CLAP CLAP* Big Disgrace! *CLAP CLAP CLAP* Somebody better put you back into your place!!! *CLAP CLAP CLAP* You do this for some time, occasionally using the Havoc staff as a club to whack larger groups of bugs from the sky that even you struggle to reach. “Ha Ha, This fun Master! *CLAP CLAP*” Tina cries out giddily as she frolics around like an excited dog, smacking countless bugs at once in her big paws. Of course it is Fool! Besting vastly inferior enemies is the true enjoyment of super villainy! Nyehahahahaha!!! Truth be told, you kind of go a little nuts with your rampage, as you take out your frustrations over the last few weeks on the floating tennis balls. This is for all the times I couldn’t explain myself! *CLAP* This is for thinking I’m a pervert for just wanting to pet cute fuzzy creatures!!! *CLAP* This is for not showing the show in chronological order!!! *CLAP* Needless to say, you save quite a few Ponies the headache of losing their market foods with your little therapy session, which they are grateful for. Eventually the Parasprites all suddenly stop and look around in confusion. You and Tina, as well as many ponies on the street, look around in confusion as Tina asks, "Uh, why bugs stop eating? Tina is confused." You are also confused, until the Parasprites suddenly start eating everything but the food! Your eyes widen in surprise before you scowl and think, Damnit! Twilight must have used the spell already! How long did I waste just smashing them with my hands? You look at the town clock and see that hours have passed. For real? Crud…guess it’s time to get to the next phase of the plan and find Pinkie! With that thought you quickly show Tina a picture of Pinkie's cutiemark and a map. "Pink pony can help?" You nod your head and are about to begin your search when you suddenly hear a mare cry out in fright, BrownDog's Comment "NOOOO, NOT OUR FLOWERS!" You and Tina's head turn towards the shout to see the flower trio unsurprisingly pass out and moaning on the ground as Parasprites eat their wares. You roll your eyes at the trio's predictable behavior before springing into action! "AHH! The beast is here too! The Horror! The Horror!" Lilly bemoans while you whack the Parasprites away. "It's...it's saving our flowers?" Rose says in confusion and you give a thumbs up before bounding away. "Ummm...Thank you?" they say unsuredly. You better be you drama queens! You quickly leave the scene and try to go back to finding Pinkie, but you see a fancy restaurant is having all it’s tables and chairs being eaten. More brownie points! You think in glee as you run over and slap and punt several of the monsters, and make an effort to 'shield the ponies' to make yourself look more heroic. You also help the Gym Ponies and Bulk Biceps defend their equipment, and save as many hot tubs at the Spa that you can, while ponies give you praise. “NYEH!!!” you cry out in glee, which still startles some of them, but the vast majority are thankful more than anything. At one point, you snatch one of the puffballs from the air, and play fetch with Tina with it. Hope Fluttershy doesn't see that one, you smirk as Tina does not go easy on the squealing pest. “Creature, what in the world are you doing?” comes a startled voice. Looking behind you, you see both Foxtrot and O'Carrol, with their jaws dropped. Huh, was wondering where you two had gotten off to. In response to your question you smirk and twirl the staff like a baton, helicoptering several parasprites from the air, that were trying to eat some ponies’ saddle bags. "He's...he's trying to protect the citizens?" Foxtrot stammers. "It seems so…This must be the disaster the dog talked about yesterday! If he saw this happening, then surely he'd do what he could to help," O'Carrol theorizes. “If he saw all this happening, why didn’t he warn us?!” Foxtrot says huffily as a few parasprites start taking chunks out of her armor. Because you would have Lassitered it up and not believed me. You then spy another good PR move for you. Filthy Rich’s Grocery store, already ransacked earlier for the food is being chowed down on, so you rush forth and start bashing the little bastards. “Y-You’re saving my store?” Filthy Rich asks surprised as a Parasprite eats his tie. “Why?” Because it’s a big F-You to your wife pal! You think vindictively and give him the thumbs up. However, just as you finish clearing the store of the bugs the ground begins to rumble. You and Tina look around in confusion as do many ponies. The heck!? What's with all the shaking!? "M-Master! Wha-what is with shaking ground!?" Tina mirrors your thoughts. Before you can draw any explanation you see the answer, as a literal title wave of Parasprites turn around a corner and start heading your way. You can see them eating everything in their path, including the road! Holy shit! Your eyes widen in shock. That wasn't in the episode, who the hell changed this to hard mode!? Looking behind you and seeing the workers of the store cowering inside you look back to the swarm and gulp. Oh hell! I have to stop that hoard and not just to spite Spoiled Rich! Come on brain, I need a plan here! A few seconds pass before you realize you have quite the sizeable crowd of ‘saved’ ponies to witness your greatness. Smiling sinisterly, you hold aloft your mighty Havoc Staff for all to see. Well, its the wrong franchise but it'll work. Let's Gandalf This Shit!!! GotThisToLikeStorys's Comment Magnus Orion's Comment You slam your staff down with as much might as possible while yelling in your head, YOU! SHALLLLLL NOT! PASSSSSSSSSS! To your surprise the staff gets the job done and more. A shockwave of pure magic spreads through each and every living and non living thing in a 10 mile radius, you swear you even hear a timber wolf howl way in the distance. ... Well at the very least that's how you feel in the moment as the magic from the staff passes through you. In actuality, a wave of energy concentrates over the swarm and hits them like a sucker punch. The tidal wave of bugs get sent flying away and everywhere but the store, and fall helplessly to the ground, most likely either knocked out or dead since they don't get up. You drop to one knee and breathe deeply from the attack, and Tina puts a paw on your shoulder to steady you. Whoa jeeze, that felt...amazing! Now if only I didn't feel so tired... Looking behind you expecting to see looks of fear, you are instead surprised to see looks of awe on all of the ponies’ faces. You smirk slightly and rise to your feet, holding your staff up in a victory pose. “NYEH!!!” you shout. They still flinch at the alien noise, but after a moment of hesitation, many of them start cheering, clopping their hooves, and thanking you pefusely. Yes! Yes you miserable little ponies, give praise to your lord and savior Skeletor!!! At least some ponies won't want me stoned. Shaking your head to clear those thoughts you stand up and look around. Despite your massive attack on the bugs there's still a lot of them all over the place. Sighing you think, Okay that's enough solo work for now. Time to find Pinkie! With a deep breath push your drowsiness down and jog away from the store in search of Pinkie. As you do you notice that Foxtrot and O'Carrol are missing, but you don't think to much of it as you focus on the task at hand. A FEW MOMENTS LATER Kazuma Michishige's Comment Allsmiles's Comment As you and Tina run around the town smacking Pasparites with your staff, you realize that they are multiplying far faster that you can get rid of them. Curses! You think, I can't kill these pests fast enough. I need a better weapon or method. Your mind immediately goes to the ever so perfect solution that is fire, because fire has always solved major problems before. Then the image of Ponyville in flames cuts that solution short. You're supposed to save these ponies to better your image, not destroy them. You shove that solution into your mental 'In case of sudden bout of Villiany and Wrongdoing' box, and remember that you were trying to find Pinkie, and you proceed to keep on searching for her, whacking at the bugs that keep on trying to eat your poncho. God dang it Pinkie, where the hell are you!? You sigh for the hundredth time as you start to do a mental checklist of the episode again since you neglected to do that before going off to beat up Navi’s ravenous cousins. Okay! So, Parasprite infestation, big problem, Twilight makes it worse, yada yada... You feel your eyebrow twitch at how you lost track of the time on that one. Okay so what were the instruments again? They were a tuba, accordion, harmonica, banjo, and cymbals if I recall. Oh! And tambourine and... maracas? Did those come up? Yeah I think they did. Guess I'll try and find the tuba and maybe trombone if I can find one. Those are the only ones I can really play well. You shiver slightly as memories of band camp surface to your mind. Anyway, if I can help her get that done and the Parasprites to leave early, then I may have enough time to whittle the branch into a proper spear/pointy stick for Tina before the princess arrives! And stones me! For eternity! ... Yeah, uh, I might want to get crackin on that spear-making thing if I want to give it to Tina in time. With another plan in mind you continue on your search for the crazy pink mare. However it isn't until a few moments later when... Denneylaw's Comment You are suddenly blind sighted by a pink blur. You tumble to the ground and groan in pain. Ugh, I should really remember that thinking about finding Pinkie leads to Pinkie finding me....wait what's on my lips? Opening your eyes you see, like the last time a pony ran into you, a muzzle on your lips. Your eyes widen as you quickly move the Pink pony off of you. You rub your mouth furiously while eating dirt. God dang it! Why is this becoming a thing with me?! This isn’t some shipping fan fic damnit! Evil poisonous horse spit EWW! After eating a few more handfuls of dirt, which Tina mimics, though she actually seems to enjoy eating it, you look at Pinkie and see her blushing red. You raise your brow at this as you think, Huh, didn't take Pinkie as the embarrassed type. Honestly expected a joke or something. Shrugging your shoulders you get up and help Pinkie up as well. She's blushing less now, as she stammers, “Well that was awkward…” Yeah, no kidding, you agree. You both stand there in silence for a few moments, before the sounds of screaming ponies brings you both out of it. “Oh right, Parasprites” Pinkie says suddenly alert, “We’ll worry about lazy Anime clichés later. Right now I need your help Skelly!” You nod and smack a Parasprite trying to eat your Poncho. "Ah, I already see you’re on board, that saves time explaining things. Quick, use this to get them to the edge of town while I get the last of the instruments!" She shoves a trombone into your hands before running off. You blink in surprise at Pinkie's sudden hand off before shrugging off and just putting it down as Pinkie being Pinkie. You look at the trombone in your hands as you think, EnderHooves's Comment I may not be a prodigy, or a forth wall breaking soul, but I do have some experience with playing musical instruments. So the best thing I can do is go with the flow. Hmmm… You glance over to the confused Tina as a wonderful idea comes to you. Hey, maybe Tina can play as well? If I'm going to endear myself to these ponies, why not get my henchdog endeared as well? But where to get a snare drum? "Oh, I almost forgot about you Tina! Here, take this snare drum and help Skelly out!" And with that sudden reappearance, Tina suddenly now has a snare drum in her paws. Tina just stares at you in pure confusion as she mutters, "Wha-How-.Pink pony just...what?" Oh right, you haven't been fully exposed to Pinkie yet have ya? With a slight airy chuckle you just pat Tina on the head. You gesture for her to hit the drum as you put the trombone to your lips and start belting out a tune nobody could hate. Thankfully, Tina’s uncoordinated drum strikes match up perfectly and quite a sizeable portion of Parasprites start bobbing up and down with your tune. That’s right you little bastards, follow the pied piper! You then start dance walking down the middle of town with countless Parasprites behind you while Tina confusedly follows your lead. Many of the ponies you “rescued” earlier witness your magical prowess and cheer, while others who didn’t witness your supposed bravery look absolutely flabbergasted. Amongst them you spy Foxtrot and O’Carrol again, who look absolutely wrecked with their armor completely eaten through like swiss cheese. “I-I…I don’t even…” Foxtrot blabbers before O’Carrol pats her on the back in sympathy and smiles at your stunt. That’s right you doubting fools! Who’s the scary monster now?! You motion your head for them to join you, and not knowing what else to do, they follow. You then notice other Parasprites in town breaking off and going north as you hear distant musical notes. And that would be Pinkie I assume. You look back and see that your own procession is still in parade so you don’t stop playing. “Master? Where we go with bouncing bug balls?” Tina asks from beside you. Since you can’t exactly stop playing to communicate you just nod to where you can see the other swarms going off to Pinkie. Alright, if this doesn’t leave some kind of impression on the princess, I don’t know what will. As you reach the outskirts of town, you spy Celestia’s carriage with all her guards surrounded by the Mane 6 and you tense a bit. You’re not the only one. “It’s the Princess! Oh ponyfeathers Oak, we’re all disheveled!” Foxtrot panics from beside you in a Twilight-esque manner. “No, we’re war beaten Foxy, this will show we’re dedicated and actually tried to help,” O’Carrol assures. “Why ponies all nervous?” Tina asks. “Who they…Oh Wow! Giant pony over there!” “Don’t say that about her! She’s sensitive about her weight!” Foxtrot shrieks nervously. Despite your possible impending doom, this actually makes you smile. Well, in for a penny. Time to ham it up! You breathe in harder and start belting the tune louder as you elbow Tina to do the same. Celestia, the Elements, and the guards all look to you as you incorporate your dance moves into the performance. As you near, you see that Twilight, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Fluttershy look deeply confused, while Celestia actually seems enthused by your performance. You take up position next to Pinkie Pie as she does her one man band routine and your hoard joins hers. “My my my Mr. Skeletor, I’m glad to see you involved with this little parade,” she giggles, which still brings a bit of sweat to your brow. “Ummm, Right! Skeletor wanted to help out, and since he can’t talk he felt he could help with the music!” Twilight lies her flank off. “I can see that. I’m glad your progress with him is going so smoothly. Are you enjoying yourself Mr. Skeletor?” You quickly flash a thumbs up and continue playing. “We’re pretty sure that means Okay, or yes,” Twilight says. “Astounding…If I might ask, what happened to O’Carrol and Foxtrot?” she says pointing to the disheveled guards. “Uhh,” “We….” “Theeeeyyyyy fell down some stairs,” Twilight lies again. “…Stairs?” Celestia says with a disbelieving face. “Yes?” she chuckles nervously. It’s quite clear that she doesn’t believe that for a second, but she chuckles and shakes her head, letting it go. What are you up to horsey? “And I assume this is the Diamond Dog friend he has made?” she asks in regard to Tina. “Yes Princess, this is Tina, Skeletor’s first friend outside of our main group.” “It’s a pleasure to meet you Tina,” Celestia nods. “…Big pony have wings and horn! Why do no others have that?!” she asks innocently causing Foxtrot and Twilight to nearly have heart attacks. Celestia though giggles at that bluntness. “Because I’m an alicorn. There’s not that many of us,” she says with a smile. “Oh…” Tina nods as you give her a subtle kick to be quiet. Be Silent Beast Brain! I don’t need any more reasons for execution! “Well, as much as I’ve enjoyed this performance, I’m afraid I have to be going my faithful student. There’s been a report in Fillydelphia about…” Oh right, they still mucked everything up and wrecking balled those things into the woods…Am I actually going to get out of this?! You think in glee. After Twilight finishes giving her friendship report, she disrupts your joy and asks. “Also Princess, weren’t you coming to check up on Skeletor as well?” Twilight you traitor!!! “Ah yes,” she says turning to Foxtrot. “Lieutenant, in relation to your report a week ago, would you say that the mood is favorable or unfavorable in regards to Skeletor?” The moth eaten Foxtrot looks from the princess to you and you give her the biggest pleading look you can. Please Foxtrot, Don’t screw me on this! Please! “The situation…” she says looking to Celestia, “Has deescalated ma’am. Fairly positive.” “Ah, that’s good to hear. Keep up the good work Skeletor,” she says with a smile and you nearly melt. I’m…I’m not going to be stoned today? I’m not going to be stoned!!! Oh Thank You Foxtrot! I’m going to hug and embarrass you later in celebration!!! “NNNYYYEEHHH!!!” you cry out in happiness which startles the chariot guards and the others. Celestia only cocks her head at that in contemplation before she gives you a smile. “I’m sorry that we can’t sit down and communicate right now Skeletor, but my citizens need me. We’ll have another chance though,” she then looks to Twilight. “Let’s reschedule this whole meeting in a few weeks shall we?” “Yes! Definitely,” Twilight says enthusiastically as the Parasprites continue to bounce past her. She then smiles and nods to her guards to start flying, but one last thing is on your mind. “Nyeh,” you call out and she looks back to you. You hold up a picture you’ve drawn of Luna and point to it. “Nyeh?” She smiles even more at that. “She’s doing fine Skeletor, her strength is returning faster and faster every day. I’ll let her know you asked about her.” And with that, she is lifted off into the sky. You stare at her disappearing form, and your body, tense from the anticipation finally releases as you fall backward onto the ground. I’m alive…Sweet Tap Dancing Jesus, I’m Still Alive! You start laughing in relief on the ground, and in the background, you hear Twilight and the others apologizing to Pinkie Pie. I just have to make sure I keep a good reputation so this doesn’t happen again, there’s so many mysteries here that I have to solve. Then, nine faces appear above you, looking at you in concern, the Mane Six, Your Guards and your Beastwoman. “Skeletor are you alright?” Twilight asks. WHAT DO YOU DO?