Dear Tyrant Celestia,
Well here we go again, another fucking Hearth's Warming Eve and everypony is engaging in sappy, sentimental moments....ugh, disgusting. Now can you believe that Applejack and ADHD Girl would even think I'd give a shit about them going out to Pinkie's Family's rock farm? I didn't give a shit and ran them off in a hurry because I was in no mood for all that positivity.
Sick of Hearth's Warming Eve,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
To the Whining Princess,
Oh good grief, get over yourself. I get it, you are just pissy because your parents would rather have Tirek and Chrysalis over for supper than you. That is no reason to go bitching over other ponies' happiness. You know the Apples and Pies could be related so could you at least pretend to be happy for them instead of bitching about it?
You want to know something, my sister and I don't get that luxury. We don't have blood relatives to invite over to Hearth's Warming Eve supper, we'd rather have a pack of timberwolves over than having Blueblood over and stealing Cadence away from you and your brother does get old after a while. I have a suggestion, start a "Diary of a Bitchy Princess" and write to your diary about it, maybe it would care.
Sick of Your Whining,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I would usually never write to anypony outside of the family about my frustrations but I just can't take it anymore and since you know the sources of my problems personally, maybe you could set them straight.
Let me start out with that Applejack. She comes in and thinks that we are going to have fancy things like cinnamon rolls and cloth Hearth's Warming Eve dolls like they do and seems to think we are backwards for not having them. That is bad enough but then she has to take her disrespect up a level and decorate MY FARM like all your modern serfs do and in her idiocy of planting a flag pole for the flag, she hit a fault line and knocked Holder's Boulder down into the quarry. Do you know how hard it was to get that thing out of there, even once they came back after I sent them packing?
With any luck, Applejack and her modern ways of thinking won't come back.
Your Disgruntled Amish Serf,
Limestone Pie
Dear Limestone,
I'm going to make this short and sweet, I don't give a shit, alright?
Everypony's Superior,
Princess Celestia
Dear Pinkie,
The outside world has ruined you and that rainbow ruined you. Before then, you had a rational and level head on your shoulders but now you are an irrational mare-child who still has everything provided for you. You live in that bakery and that Cake Family provides everything for you while I work my flank off, 14 hours a day just so that we can pay the taxes that tyrant Celestia levies upon us every year and save up for when Marble and I have to put Mom and Dad in a home, once they are unable to work the fields anymore.
Oh and could you tell Applejack that if she ever comes back, we're doing things MY way?
Your Elder Sister,
Limestone Pie
To My Grumpy Older Sister,
Look, Applejack didn't mean any harm and I do not have everything given to me. To live there I have to help them bake things and babysit their twins! Yes they provide me with meals but if I didn't do some work for them I would get kicked out and have to go live with Princess Twilight! That would be terrible because Twilight is so bad she makes you look like a big ray of sunshine! Now you better apologize for being such a meany-mean hooves next time the Apple Family comes out to the farm!
Sincerely,
Pinkie Pie
P.S. You better be glad I didn't take on my Pinkamena form out there or your blood would be spilled all over that place!