To Princess TiaBitch,
Well I have this fancy castle now but there is one thing I don't have, an interior decorator. I looked all over this town and I found one but once all I offered him was being pardoned from being tortured, he demanded a whole lot more. Hell I even issued an executive order that he help me decorate the place and he still said no so I tortured him for insubordination. He was my first torture victim and after I was done with him, I doubt he'll be decorating anything for six months.
After discovering there was nopony else qualified to help, I decided to ask my acquaintances to do it for me. Yeah they may not know me too well but it is still more than the idiot that I tortured and sadly, the spa twins were out of town so I had to go with whatever idiots I could round up.
After a decent breakfast they ran Spike and I off so they could try and impress me but after a whole day of absence, when I first got home it looked like they didn't do jack shit for me. The fucking hallway was just as empty as ever! I'm thinking that maybe that torture chamber may need to be used shortly but with one of them, only my bedroom would suffice!
Ultimately I did discover that they did do some work although I'm pretty sure the roots of the old library will decay rather quickly and won't be there for long. Too bad those idiots I should have befriended didn't know that. Oh well, when that thing starts falling apart, hopefully it will fall on one of them and I can send you a request for a replacement, a replacement with a white coat and a pink mane!
Now I do have some advice for you, I need an interior decorator to finish off the job these defects failed to do correctly, it would be much appreciated.
Stuck With Sub-Par Interior Decorators,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. I am not thrilled with PETA Girl because despite me helping her with her fucking animals all damn day long, she still wouldn't let me initiate her. I tell you, that little bitch doesn't know what is good for her nor does she know what she is missing.
Dear Princess Celestia,
We worked hard on Twilight's castle and we are not even sure if she truly appreciates it! Yes we know she loved the roots of the old library hanging in the throne room. Knowing her though, she is probably hoping the damn thing will come crashing down and kill us.
Also she did not thank us for the other decorations. She didn't thank Applejack for the farm decor, she didn't thank Pinkie for those party canons, she didn't thank Rarity for the fancy gem covered curtains, she didn't thank Rainbow for decorating her library in Daring Do posters and she didn't thank Fluttershy for the stuffed animals on her bed.
What the hell is it going to take to finally make her realize that, despite her being a fucking bitch all the time, that we do care about her, well a little bit anyway? Are we going to have to offer Fluttershy to her as a sacrifice? Is Rarity going to have to make her some sort of elegant gown? Is Rainbow going to have to surround her castle in clouds so she can't see the rest of the town? Is Pinkie going to have to give her lots and lots of cupcakes or is Applejack going to have to supply her with free fritters and cider for life?
Whatever it is, we hope the hell she will realize how good she has it and realize that unlike everypony else down here, we don't completely hate her.
Sincerely,
Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash
P.S. I am not thrilled with Twilight your Majesty. Twilight groped me while we were giving my animals a bath and suggested that we go break her new bed in. Fuck that shit, I will not be her toy! I told her to go fuck the spa twins since they have no standards. Could you please get her to stop this shit? I know that she is a princess too but that does not give her the right to grope me! -- Fluttershy
Dear Princess Twibitch,
Oh good grief, you have only had that new castle for a few days and you are back to your bitchy ways. Ok, I can understand you torturing that idiot interior decorator but you should be happy that your acquaintances actually gave half a shit and decided to decorate your palace. They could have simply told you to go to hell and you could have continued to stay in a completely undecorated castle and been sad.
Speaking of that, that is pathetic. Here you are an Alicorn and yet you have to rely on inferiors to decorate your castle? Hell, that showboat Trixie can simply make things appear out of the middle of nowhere. Maybe I should have just made her a princess instead because she wouldn't be bitching about not having anypony worthwhile to decorate her castle nor would she drive me bat shit crazy with her constant whining.
As you know, I like to spy on you sometimes and I am going to let you in on a secret, you should be happy that they didn't give your palace a full blown makeover. Had you done so, you would have had pigs rummaging through your cupboards, birds shitting all over the place, curtains and flower pots everywhere, Crash trophies everywhere and even more party canons!
Now I know they aren't your friends yet but you should get down on your knees and thank them for decorating that place. They spent a ton of money and took a lot of time to make that palace so nice for you. Now if this isn't a sign you should finally befriend them, I don't know what is.
Oh and once again you have disappointed me. Here you are, a princess with her own castle and you STILL can't get PETA Girl in bed! I swear, maybe you either didn't do a good enough job bathing her animals or she simply doesn't find you attractive enough. Either way though, damn it sucks to be you!
Eternally Better than You,
Princess Celestia
P.S. Congratulations on torturing an inferior by the way. I can tell by the way you are acting that I did rub off on you a little bit. Now just keep torturing and let your problems slip your mind. It will make not only your life less stressful but mine as well.
Dear Twilight's Acquaintances,
I don't know what to tell all of you. I know you are starting to warm up to Princess Bitchy Pants a little bit but you must realize that pleasing her is next to impossible. Now when it comes to four of you, you'll likely never make her happy but Fluttershy, you could be the key to shutting her up and easing my stress load. I know she isn't all that attractive and still only tolerates you but could you please just put out for her once, pleeeease?
If you would do that, maybe she won't be groping you anymore and if you do that, you will be initiated and you'll have somepony who is an even better friend than Rarity. Wouldn't you love that? Just take what I have suggested seriously, for all you know she may be really good in the sack and you'll want more and more of her!
Hoping Fluttershy Will Allow Herself to be Initiated,
Princess Celestia