Dear Princess Celestia,
Well isn't this just dandy, even my new home is a troll. After my ass glowed and so did those of my acquaintances, a map showed up and told us we needed to go out to some hellhole out in the middle of nowhere. What a terrible troll that thing is, I had spa time scheduled and now I have to go to some dump to probably have to go through more misery than I already do.
Despite not wanting to, these acquaintances basically conned me into going to this place and when I first saw the place my immediate thought was, "What, we had to come here?" I began to wonder if maybe they had ran out of ground water and needed assistance in relocating, which I would only have done if they had a set of spa hotties to give me but then I couldn't help but notice something, those ponies weren't right.
All the same idiotic smiles and idiotic cutie marks? I figured that they were mental defects and would best be left to die in the desert until I met this one mare, Starlight Glimmer, one who seemed like an oppressive dictator and I'll admit, pretty damn hot! One thing I learned, she is good at singing, what is she bad at, economics! After the song she and her serfs sang I learned she is a damn commie. I should have known the moment I saw their shitty town, the ponies' shitty cutie marks and the zombie smiles, slaves to Marxism.
Now I wanted to skip town but my friends figured that we may as well try and free them from this Stalin wannabe. Now I'm certain these ponies are idiots, they apparently allowed Kommisar Glimmer to steal their marks, put them in vaults and make them mediocre at everything! Who was the worst? This one who thinks everypony likes shitty, tasteless muffins is so bad her treats even made ADHD Girl sick and that takes a lot.
Ultimately we lost our marks to that bitch and I honestly thought she was either going to kill us or make us her sex slaves but all she wanted was to turn us into commies and get us to collapse Equestria's economy. Luckily for you and our nation's economy, we wouldn't let that happen, especially since I told PETA Girl to throw herself out to Starlight if she had to but apparently Starlight didn't want a pony who would be mediocre in the sack.
Speaking of PETA Girl, she finally exposed that little commie as a fraud and she still had her real cutie mark and turned her serfs against her. That is when they shattered that vault, got their marks back and became MY serfs, well once we got our marks back anyway. Those ponies out there better be thanking me and once they were back to normal, ADHD Girl tried seducing this baker pony but apparently she is into guys, yuck!
Don't worry Tia, that little commie ran off into some caves so our free market system is safe.
Your Commie Hating Superior Monarch,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
To Princess Twibitch,
Just wait you little skank, she may have been too mediocre out in Our Town, but I will return and take something you want so badly but will never get, PETA Girl!
Hating Your Guts,
Premier Starlight Glimmer
To the Commie Hating "Monarch,"
Oh how cute, you honestly think you saved our free market system? Think what you want but I could stop that bitch on my own, I certainly don't need your help. Yes it is your jobs to deal with the unsavory villains but you are right about that one, she is hot. Since she is hot, handling her next time will be MY job. Just remember this in the future, I will handle the sexy female villains and you can handle the undesirables.
I am glad you were able to stop the spread of communism but I'm not going to worry too much about that Starlight pony, it will take a whole lot more than a cult leader without a flock to crash our economy.
Your Superior Monarch,
Princess Celestia
Dear Stalin Glimmer,
Just like the Soviets in the human books, you failed! That is all communism is, a failure. With any luck you'll see the light, come worship me and maybe I will forgive you, assuming you're willing to put out AND be my sub.
Wanting to Screw You,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. If you honestly think Fluttershy will hook up with you, you are pathetic! Sorry but she hates communism as much as I do!