Dear Princess Celestia,
For starters I must say that this visit did not go quite as well as I hoped. Not long after I got here I learned all I was going to be doing is smiling and waving when those foreigners got here and then I had to bow to those losers? How dare you make a princess of Equestria bow to such inferior equines. That was bad enough but I did not get one ounce of time with Cadence or the spa hotties thanks to YOU. Thanks to you my primary concern went from Cadence to stopping some demon that escaped Tartarus when you lured Cerberus away from his post a couple years ago.
Not only was the trip to the Crystal Empire a disaster, but you once again proved how lazy you are by not going out to handle this new enemy, Tirek. Also, you think that my acquaintances and I can't even handle him so you sent Discord to do it. I knew at that moment that this was going to turn out to be nothing short of a disaster, a fucking disaster.
First I'll give you the good news, my acquaintances have had their keys for that freaky chest. The bad news, I still don't have mine and then you notify me that Discord betrayed us. Big fucking surprise there. Cadence, Luna and I all opposed you sending him to stop Tirek but of course your plan was the one we went with and it blew up in your face. I think I have finally come to the conclusion as to why you don't handle villains yourself. It is because are simply too fucking stupid to do it. Faust forbid you make a sound decision when it comes to handling villains, or anything else for that matter.
I must admit though, it was quite fun when I had all of your magic. If I didn't have a demon to go up against, I would have cast you into Tartarus myself, declared myself Goddess-Emperor Twilight Sparkle and enslaved Equestria in a much different way than any villain ever could. The hot mares, they'd become my sex slaves, the rest, they would simply do whatever I told them to, even if it was demeaning.
Now it must have really sucked to be you when Tirek threw you into Tartarus but rather than being able to gloat over how pathetic you were at that point, I had a demonic centaur I had to face off against. Now that was all fine and dandy until Tirek wound up capturing my slave, my acquaintances and that traitor Discord. Now they were imprisoned in bubbles and when I saw them, I couldn't believe the thought I had running through my mind. I actually gave half a shit about them and decided to sacrifice my Alicorn magic to get them freed.
Now yeah, everything seemed like it was going to go to hell but Discord gave me this medallion he tricked Tirek into giving him and guess what, it turned out that was the thing I needed to open that chest, blow up this entire planet or whatever it was that would happen. Now that chest must have had some freaky magic because it discolored my acquaintances and I and we defeated Tirek.
After we sent that fucker back to Tartarus what happened besides you getting free, I got my own castle! It's about fucking time I got something worthy of my greatness. You know how I've wanted to come home for so long? Not anymore! I have my own castle, a place that will be an oasis of perfection in the dump you banished me to.
Now I can't wait to look around in that baby and see what all sorts of fun things I can do. Now perhaps I can woo Fluttershy into my new bedroom and make her my friend!
Equestria's Best Princess,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
To Equestria's Most Arrogant Princess,
Well, well, well, so now that you have your own castle will you finally quit bitching? I know you're upset about Discord betraying us but I'm going to let you in on a little secret involving all the events that unfolded that led to you finally getting that tree shaped eyesore.
Remember when Cerberus left his post, I trolled you and I trolled you good! Not only did I lure him away, I also freed Tirek as well. Despite you having been a bitch ever since you matured, I thought that this would be the ultimate test for you and somehow you managed to pass it.
Regarding Discord, I ordered him to betray you because I knew that medallion of Tirek's would wind up being your key so you should be happy. Had I not ordered him to betray you, Equestria would have been enslaved and you wouldn't have that fancy new castle.
Given that you know all that, still hate my trolling?
Your Trolling and Still Superior Monarch,
Princess Celestia
P.S. You being Goddess-Emperor? I think not because I know for sure that God-Emperor Goldner would never allow it. All he would have to do is lower his mighty fist and smash you to bits if you even attempted something like that. Be happy with what you have, got that Twibitch?
To Princess Twibitch,
Ok, we were captured in bubbles and you had us freed solely because you gave half a shit about us? I would think all the shit we went through together, us finding those keys, us all facing a terrible foe and all of us being betrayed by Discord would have caused you to think of us as a little bit more, like possibly very distant friends at least.
Now that you have that fancy ass castle will you even come out or will you do what Celestia told us you did in Canterlot, lock yourself up and hide all the time? Whatever it is we honestly don't care, just don't cause us too many problems, don't inconvenience us and maybe we will start to tolerate you, well slightly anyway.
Still Hating You,
Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash
P.S. Look Twibitch, I already know what is running through your mind. I know you are sitting there thinking you can wow me with your new bedroom and initiate me but it ain't happening! No way in hell will I ever let you initiate me. You can have me executed or whatever but that would be preferable to being your miserable, pathetic sex slave. --- Fluttershy
To My Close Acquaintances,
There, I admitted it, ok. I see you all as close acquaintances now. Had I not had the slightest bit of feelings for you I would have assumed I could have defeated Tirek on my own and left you all up in those bubbles. Be glad that I had you freed and be glad that I didn't completely fuck over Equestria in the process.
Oh and Fluttershy, never say never. Now that I think of us as close acquaintances, you may want to grow closer to me and part of that would be visiting me in my new sleeping chambers sometime. Trust me, I would never make you my sex slave! I know I can be a bitch at times but I would never do that to you!
Your Closest Acquaintance,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Discord,
Good job trolling Twilight. I know that this could have easily led to a disaster but you did well. Now feel free to keep trolling Twilight and making her life miserable. To be honest, I hope you step your trolling up to a whole new level. She has her own castle now so she would deserve it.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
You want me to troll Twilight even more? I'll definitely do it and since she thinks of those ponies she was cursed upon as close acquaintances now, well sort of, I'm coming up with plans to con them into helping me troll her. It is going to be priceless, absolutely priceless!
Sincerely,
Discord