Dear Princess Celestia,
Here we go again, yet another episode without me in it. Yes normally I would be in a bad mood but this time was different. I had a spa appointment, an extremely long, three way pampering in the steam room so I suppose them leaving me out this time is fine. They better not make this a regular occurrence though because I deserve as much air time as possible. Unfortunately though, I was unable to coerce PETA Girl to join me in the spa. I swear, she doesn't know what she is missing.
Not Upset for Once,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Applejack told me about some commune of backwards hicks living out in the middle of nowhere. I would advise you tax them and give that money to me for all the problems I have had to put up with in life.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Could you please tell my sister to never baby me again. Come on, I am not a baby and I proved that by getting those pies past that monster. You have no idea how embarrassing it was for my friends to see me in a damn crib. They may not have shown it but I could sense them laughing on the inside.
Your Young Subject,
Apple Bloom
Dear Princess Celestia,
Could you do something about that monster in the swamp? It nearly ate Apple Bloom and it always causes me problems on my pie deliveries when I have to go that way. I would greatly appreciate it if you would kill it or at least relocate it.
Your Humble Subject,
Applejack
To My Not Upset Princess,
Wait a minute, am I hearing this right? You finally decided to take my advice for when you are excluded and went to the spa for some pampering? I never thought I would see this day arrive but I am not happy with you for one reason. I am not happy because you did not invite me. You know I have been wanting a four way with you and the spa twins ever since you started screwing them. Next time you better invite me or I'll simply take them away from you.
Your Spa Twin Desiring Superior,
Princess Celestia
P.S. I am not going to tax a bunch of hillbillies who still use the barter system. I could enslave them if I wanted but they'd likely be more trouble than they're worth.
On a final note, you will never get to initiate Fluttershy, ever so quit whining about it.
To My Young and Stupid Subject,
How about you tell somepony who gives a flying fuck. I have much bigger things to worry about than Applejack sticking you in a crib. If I had my way though, I'd get a picture of you in that crib, publish it in every newspaper with the headline, "Apple Bloom is Actually a Baby."
Laughing at You,
Princess Celestia
Dear Applejack,
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told your bitchy little sister, tell somepony who gives a flying fuck. That Chimera in the swamp isn't causing me any problems so why should I either exterminate it or eradicate it? If you don't want to mess with it anymore, don't deliver pies to hillbillies in the middle of nowhere.
Not Caring About Your Problems,
Princess Celestia