To My Self-Centered Fellow Monarch,
Well here we go again! I just had my coronation not that long ago and here you are trying to steal the spotlight from me. Yes it is time for your Sunbutt festival or whatever the hell you call it but come on, just cancel it this one year, let me shine like the star I am for longer and instead of making me take part in this ceremony that basically glorifies you, just let me go to the spa so I don't have to put up with your drama.
One good thing though, Rarity is actually following the law. She is idolizing me and worshiping me like she is supposed to. I don't know if she wants to merely get in my coat or be initiated before PETA girl but hey, if I can get a bit of action, I'm all for it! Anypony who says I look so regal and so much better than you is deserving of being in my presence. What a shame PETA girl wasn't idolizing me too, I was thinking a threesome with those two would have been fun.
Now I have come to the conclusion that you are once again being a trolling bitch and this time it isn't just you, your sister has joined in as well. What the hell gives? You two leave both the sun and the moon in the sky and you go missing without a trace. Naturally I was hoping that you two had died or something and I would have had to take over. I could have been Goddess-Queen Twilight Sparkle and ruled Equestria with an iron hoof. Every hot mare in Equestria could have been mine, all mine!
Now I have a feeling that you two weren't the only ones trolling me. Once I got back to my lack-luster home in that dump you banished me to, it turns out the place is being overran by the forest and chances are Discord is behind it. Now naturally his trolling ass denied it but apparently Zecora has gotten into the business of creating mind altering drugs and suggested I drink some to see why the town was becoming plant food.
Holy shit, I don't know what the hell she put in that stuff but I found myself on quite the trip. I saw your sister turn into Nightmare Moon and try to kill you. What a shame she didn't succeed, I think Equestria would have been a much happier place and a much sexier place had she been the one to take over. Perhaps PETA girl would have been scared all the time and would have needed me to be there to "protect her" if you know what I mean.
After trip one came trip two where I saw you and Luna turn Discord into stone just because he was a better troll than you, how pathetic. And of course there was the Tree of Harmony and it quickly hit me that without these Elements, that it would likely die and Equestria would be a much funner place. Then I knew I had to go find the damn thing, risk fucking everything up by letting my acquaintances tag along and then return the Elements to it.
Now I thought everything would go fine until some crocodile nearly ate me and then those bitches told me I should go home because I was a princess. They can claim what they want but I know what they really wanted. They wanted to be the little cunts who got all the glory, they wanted to find the Tree, save it and then demand their own stained glass window, one without me in it. One thing the morons forgot, they needed me because without my Element, the damn thing would still die.
Finally though, Discord did something right, he gave me this golden rod that had my face on it. Sweet, something to violate your trolling pussy with, or ass if I'm in a really foul mood. Maybe instead of initiating Fluttershy in a loving way, I'll just initiate her with my new Twicane instead. Luckily Discord told me to go stop my trolling acquaintances from stealing all the glory because I would have been pissed had they been immortalized in a stain glass window and not me.
Did you know there are actually carnivorous, predatory plants in the forest? I didn't until I nearly got eaten but luckily my acquaintances saved my flank. I vowed that once I got my hooves on you two, that I would feed you and Luna to those things, crown myself Queen and rule this land my way, a way that some ponies may not like!
Now for the fun thing, Applejack thought that once I put the Elements back in the tree, that our bond would be shattered. I was secretly hoping so but unfortunately, even after I put those gems back where I belong, those acquaintances wouldn't just walk away and not care anymore. I honestly thought that would be my chance to come home and purge them from my life.
Now I know you and your sister are both grade A trolls. Everything was going straight to Tartarus yet you two decide to hide inside some vines? That right there is proof that both of you are basically worthless. You failed to show up until after I defeated your sister. I had to take care of Discord too while you two were probably busy stuffing your face with cake or screwing my old friends. You also couldn't handle Chrysalis and during that invasion, Luna was probably either sleeping or feasting on some treat that she likes. Let's not forget that neither of you could handle saving the Crystal Empire either. You two just need to step down and hand all power over to me since I actually do things to keep this nation from falling to some evil being.
Oh yes, and finally you had your glorification ceremony and just like always, they all wanted to bow down and lick your sunny ass, but this time they wanted to lick the moon off of Luna's ass. What about me? You two did your royal duties while I was relegated to farting out something that resembled my cutie mark. The worst part, I didn't get anything in return. I didn't get PETA girl to want me, nor anything else I am deserving of.
You know what? Screw this shit, I'm not helping you with another Sunbutt festival ever again. It ain't worth my time or my efforts.
Your Much Better Fellow Monarch,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
To My Crybaby Monarch,
Get over yourself, alright. You got your damn coronation, you got to play an important role in the ceremony that is supposed to be dedicated to me and you even saved the Tree of Harmony! What the hell else do you want? Look, I know you want PETA girl but face it, unless you issue royal decrees that would force her to give you what you want, you're not getting it!
It seems as though you had quite the fun time in trying to save the country yet again. Now while I had complete confidence that your acquaintances could handle it, I am shocked that you somehow managed not to fuck things up and cause Equestria to become plant food. Maybe, just maybe, you are not as useless as I thought.
Now Twilight, what have I told you before? I told you that it is YOUR JOB to handle all these evil creatures and other inconveniences that may cause Equestria's problems. It is not the job of the primary princess or her sister to deal with such things, it is the job of her inferior, in this case you, to do so. I hate to admit this but you have done a semi-decent job at it. While it hasn't been anything to go running to your parents over, it is better than nothing at all.
I have something to tell you though, you really need to shut up about this whole Queen Twilight Sparkle shit. Unless you want me to not only make you immortal, but do the same with Rarity and make you her eternal fashion slave, you will shut up. The last thing I need is some newly crowned bitchy princess thinking that she could even come close to challenging me.
Oh and on a final note, you continue to show how pathetic you are in your non-stop failures to initiate PETA girl. Maybe someday she will let you but I wouldn't count on it.
Vastly Superior than You,
Princess Celestia
P.S. If you even think about violating me with that Twicane, I'll shove it so far up in you that the other end will come out of your mouth and that would be so much fun for everypony, well everypony except you.
To Princess Twibitch,
You feed us to those plants, I think not. Unless you want to find yourself enjoying an eternal brutally hot, incredibly bright solar vacation, you will drop the threats. While my sister may think Ponyville is the worst punishment possible for you, she is mistaken. I can do much worse to you, things you will find far more unpleasant.
Princess Luna
To Woona,
Ha, don't make me laugh. I'm more powerful than you and you know it. I would advise you get on my good side because once I ascend to Goddesshood, you and your bitchy sister will feel my wrath.
Waiting to Punish You,
Soon to be Goddess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Twilight,
I can not believe that you and your acquaintances would accuse innocent little me of causing the Everfree Forest grow like crazy. You should know that I would never do such a thing because my good friend Fluttershy reformed me, remember?
Speaking of Fluttershy, I would advise you not even think of initiating Fluttershy with that Twicane I gave you. Remember, if you so much as try to do anything to her I will create an army of demon rabbits that only have appetites for bitchy lavender Alicorns and I'm certain Celestia wouldn't mind me protecting my first friend.
Hoping You'll Leave Fluttershy Alone,
Discord
P.S. Oh and congratulations of your promotion, you totally deserved it!
Discord,
Look I drank that potion and I know you were responsible for it. You may not be at fault now but still, you better be glad you have Fluttershy as a friend because the rest of us were ready to turn you back to stone without even thinking about it. About that army of demon rabbits, it wouldn't work. Celestia cast a spell on me that would prevent them from trying to eat me so they certainly won't keep me away from Fluttershy.
Hoping to Initiate Your First Friend,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Oh and thanks for the congratulations but I really didn't want the promotion, that was just Celestia being a trolling bitch and making my life miserable