//------------------------------// // Equestria Girls // Story: Unpleasant Correspondence // by StormLuna //------------------------------// Dear Princess Celestia, I want to know something, why is it that this place brings me nothing but trouble? I got stuck in a tower while Spike became the hero of the crystal ponies, then I got no action when we had to get this damn place the Equestria Games and now some crazy mirror nopony else has heard of produces some pony from YOUR past who happened to be all pissy and wanted to do something to me just to spite you. I want to know something, what the hell was that thing doing here and where did it come from? I would think something that dangerous would be kept locked up somewhere that if something bad was to come through, things like that old student of yours, that it would be locked away somewhere that it couldn't cause any problems. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't some setup of yours just to troll and inconvenience me. Now I am likely going to be too paranoid to even sleep thanks to that jealous former student of yours coming and stealing my crown. Another thing I would like to know is how the hell did she even know about me being a princess? Did you go through that damn thing, tell her to come and troll me, steal my crown, take it back with her and cause me to have to go to some place that I know nothing about, some place that could very well be unpleasant? Despite me having my doubts about going through that thing, Spike and I went through and at that moment I truly was wishing that I could just kill myself. I turned into some bi-pedal freak with no magic....the same type of lowly creature that I learned had no clue on how to run their countries, freaks that allowed mindless serfs to elect other mindless serfs to run their government. I just hoped the hell there wasn't a national election coming up before I got back home or everything would have definitely gone to hell. Once I got myself situated I learned that some magicless loser version of you was holding my crown hostage and that to get it back, I had to enroll in a high school for creatures of this species with IQs below 70. I can not believe that I had to degrade myself so far. You have no clue how pathetic I felt but then to make matters worse, I was suddenly homeless and had absolutely no place to stay so I wound up having to manage to move into the school library without anyone noticing. Another thing about that pathetic school, there were humans that matched my Equestrian acquaintances perfectly. Crash was a narcissistic cunt, Pinkie had ADHD (albeit even worse), Rarity was a fashion skank, Applejack was a country bumpkin and Fluttershy was a PETA member that nopony, I mean no one liked....and one that I thought I would see if I could initiate so she'd have at least one friend. Now about getting my crown back, I discovered some magic-less hack version of you and her sister were holding my crown hostage and would present it to whoever won a popularity contest. To make matters worse, to take part in this contest I had to go to some dumb dance. Yes, you heard me right, I had to go to a horrible, pathetic waste of time event that could easily be replaced by these morons studying and Fluttershy letting me initiate her. To win this stupid contest, I had to become popular. How does one become popular in this pathetic world, they either flirt or if they are an idiot running for office, lie and con people into believing you. What a shame I wasn't running for office, lying and conning people sounded like such a better option but my only option was to give cute smiles to the boys which was really degrading, promise a night of fun to the lesbians and pretend to actually care about the lives of the straight girls. Unfortunately I was unable to get Fluttershy to agree to a night of fun but even worse I had this freak that played a guitar thinking I wanted him. Now I wanted to tell him I was a lesbian pony princess from another dimension right off but I figured I would wait until after the election, then I would crush his pathetic, fragile little heart. Now after a problem with Sunset and a couple of goons destroying the decorations, me getting banned from the dance, that idiot boy clearing my name and being able to go to the dance again, I won the title of Empress, Dictator or whatever they called it and I had my crown back. Immediately I thought that I could try and initiate Fluttershy, get my flank home and hopefully never have to put up with this shit ever again. Now Sunset had to troll me, steal my crown and turn into some sort of demon. What a loser, turning into a demon is lame compared to having to up with you and your bitchy ways. It is no wonder that some freaky magic these girls had along with my own defeated her and created a crater in the schoolyard. What was most satisfying was seeing that little bitch in that crater begging me for mercy. My immediate thought was, "Hell yeah bitch, I kicked your ass and if you don't worship me, I'll slash that pretty little throat of yours!" Now I still wanted to try and make Fluttershy my friend and thought that savagely killing someone in front of her would gross her out so I decided I would try and teach the little cunt about friendship across dimensional lines. Before I decided to come home, I thought I would troll that dumb boy and try and make Fluttershy mine. The reaction of that dumb boy was priceless. The idiot fainted when I told him about my true identity and then I grabbed Fluttershy, told her I needed to talk to her in the girls' room and led her there. I thought that by telling her that I could be her first, and likely only chance to score, that she would let me undress her and I could initiate her but she slugged me and called me a rapist. What a little bitch, either she is screwing Rarity or she is a little whore who likes boys. After that I figured, "Fuck this shit" and came home. That is why I had a slight bruise on my face, PETA girl's knuckles had a bit more punch than I thought. I will tell you this, I never want to go to that damn world again. Not having magic, having to put up with idiot boys hitting on me and being rejected by another PETA girl was bad enough but having to put up with a lame she-demon took the cake. Now I have some advice for you, either destroy that mirror or banish it to the moon so we won't have problems like this arise again. Things that come through it are bad news and I don't feel like having to deal with it again. Now tell me, did you talk with this former student of yours, tell her to come troll me and you'd bring her home or was this actually legit? Incredibly Pissed, Twilight Sparkle To My Incredibly Pissed Inferior Monarch, I have some advice for you, invest in a safe or something to store that crown of yours in while you sleep, especially since it has the Element of Magic in it. Hell even my sister, your bootie-call and I store our crowns in safes at night. Now since you were so careless, I am going to let you in on a little secret. I honestly don't feel one bit of sympathy for you with everything you had to go through on the other side of that mirror. It served you right being a magic-less hack with absolutely no value over there. It must have been fun doing dumb shit like trying to write with your mouth and pretty much everything else like an earth pony. Hell I'm surprised you managed to last one day over there, much less actually make it home. Now for the funnest thing, I knew what would happen to you when you crossed over, I knew you would become worthless and that you would have undesirables wanting to hook up with you. Unlike us Equestrians, not many males are asexual nor are 95% of the females lesbians. Now I do find it funny that you told that one boy about your true identity and he fainted but there is one thing that really makes me realize you are beyond pathetic. It is beyond pathetic that you were rejected by PETA girl over there too! You must have been just as ugly over there as you are here or perhaps that girl was too busy screwing that girl over there that is like Rarity to find you appealing but oh well. All that matters is that Element made it back in one piece and we weren't going to end up falling to some evil in the future. Oh and just so you know, this was not a matter of me trolling you. While I do love to troll you, even I am not so reckless to put Equestria in danger just so I can get a few laughs at your expense. Laughing Because You'll Never Get PETA Girl, Princess Celestia P.S. Regarding the mirror, no I will not destroy it. I am simply going to lock it away in Canterlot Tower and put a seal on it so nothing can ever come through it again. I like to admire myself in it and I'm not about to give that up just to keep you from having to put yourself in danger again.