“Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!”
All the girls cheered me on as I downed my third pint, necking three beers in a row without a pause was certainly a challenge, but I just about handled it; I slammed my glass down onto the floor and let out the most revolting and yet most impressive of belches, it went on for a solid four seconds at least.
“Fucking LEGEND!” Rainbow Dash cried out.
We all burst into laughter, to which more mini burps left my lips, which only caused the group to laugh even more; I was bewildered to see Rarity enjoying the uncouth humour so much, she wasn’t kidding about her wild side. Fluttershy had also really come out of her shell after a few glasses of Baileys, alcohol was certainly called ‘social lubricant’ for a reason.
“I told you Dashie, I’m British! I can hold my drink!”
{And part New Zealand, and part American.} Stardust reminded me.
“Oh, shut up!” I moaned.
“I didn’t say anything.” Dashie replied.
Thinking as quickly as I could, I stuck my tongue out at her.
“I was responding in advance to your reply.”
Applejack and Rarity laughed, and Fluttershy reached forward and spun the bottle; it landed on Rarity, and then landed on Rainbow Dash upon its second spin.
“Truth or dare, darling?”
“Dare!”
Rarity put a hoof to her chin, and then smirked.
“Fluttershy, would you be willing to participate?”
A tipsy Fluttershy giggled and nodded her head, ready for whatever was about to happen.
“Excellent! Now then, I would like Fluttershy to put a piece of fruit in her mouth and leave it on her tongue, and I dare Dashie to retrieve it with only her mouth!”
Fluttershy zipped into the kitchen and returned with a cherry in her teeth, she removed the stem and held it in her mouth, almost dropping it as she giggled loudly again. I cracked open the Kraken Spiced Rum and poured myself a glass, adding some ice from Rarity’s bag, I was still amazed to this day at how the enchanted bags worked, pocket dimensions were epic.
“Remember Fluttershy, no helping her!” Rarity instructed.
Fluttershy nodded as Dashie approached her, both of them seemed comfortable with the rather sexual undertones, I assumed the group had played truth or dare on many occasions back in Equestria. Despite this, my eyes still widened slightly as they engaged in the dare with such confidence. A few seconds later, Dashie pulled back with the cherry in her teeth, Fluttershy licked her lips and then slumped back to take another sip of Baileys, clearly satisfied.
“You were clearly stalling.” Rarity teased.
“Heck yeah I was!” Dashie admitted proudly.
She bit down and munched on the cherry, firing the seed at the unicorn like a fruity bullet, she caught it in her magic and tossed it behind her. Rainbow Dash got back into her spot and drank some more beer, before spinning the bottle to start the next round; it landed on me, and she spun it a second time, to which it landed on Applejack.
{What to ask, what to ask…} I thought.
{Dare her to eat that silly fucking hat, it annoys me.} Stardust said bluntly.
“AJ, truth or dare?” I asked, ignoring Stardust.
“Truth!”
I leaned back and hummed, before clicking my fingers and leaning forward again.
“Right, this one has been bothering me for months. You ponies don’t have hands, of course unicorns have magic, but otherwise, it’s not easy to hold things. So tell me, how in the name of Cthulhu do you ponies wipe your arses after you’ve had a dump?”
She looked at me blankly, and then looked to Rarity beside her, they exchanged an amused look, before she turned back to face me.
“We don’t.”
My eyes widened and I pulled a face of utter disgust.
“Seriously!?”
“Well, let me explai-”
“You girls walk around with shitty arseholes!?”
Keeling over, I began cackling hysterically. Applejack’s face dulled, and she looked to Twilight to explain, who prodded me with a hoof to get my attention. I sat back up and held my breath, doing my best not to giggle.
“Wipes do exist, which are only required for additional cleanliness. But the fact of the matter is, we don’t really need to wipe. Look if you really must know, when we defecate, we-”
That did it.
Unable to hold my breath, I broke into a bellowing fit of laughter once again, causing Twilight to scowl at me.
“Do you want me to answer your question or not?”
Pulling myself together and puckering my lips as tightly as possible, I nodded, unable to look her in the eye.
“Right, so when we defecate…”
I emitted a loud snort, but quickly regained control and cleared my throat.
“… a small portion of tissue folds outward when we do our business, so it quite literally doesn’t touch the sides. So, the long and short of it is, we don’t need to wipe because it doesn’t actually get that dirty.”
“Huh, so uh… you basically prolapse?” I asked.
“To put it bluntly, kind of.”
“Please stop talking.” Rainbow Dash grumbled.
“That’s actually pretty interesting.” I hummed.
“Of all the questions you could have asked me.” Applejack scoffed, rolling her eyes.
“What, I was curious alright?” I barked back defensively.
{I cannae believe this conversation really just occurred.} Stardust tutted.
“Let’s move on before the egghead starts a biology lesson!” Rainbow Dash pitched in.
The pegasus was clearly getting a little more than tipsy, she was on at least five pints now.
“I don’t know Rainbow Dash, I could happily bet every book in the Golden Oak Library that you’d be very interested in a biology lesson with Callum, alone.” Twilight teased.
I couldn’t help but lean back in surprise, Twilight was only on a few pints of cider, I wasn’t expecting her to be that upfront, and nor was Dashie it seemed; the pegasus spluttered on her beer and looked around sheepishly. Applejack chuckled and reached forward to spin the bottle, it stopped at Fluttershy, spinning it a second time, it landed on me. Fluttershy playfully stuck her tongue out and looked at me.
“Truth or dare?”
“Dare!” I hollered.
“Kiss Rainbow Dash.” she commanded bluntly, not missing a beat.
Kraken Spiced Rum almost became Kraken Spiced Lungs as I inhaled my liquor and choked, coughing loudly for a good few seconds, Rainbow Dash was very quick to stand up, and then face Fluttershy with her eyes wide and her cheeks red.
“Oh come on, it’s what we’ve all been waiting for.” she giggled.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dashie yapped.
Rarity rolled her eyes and sighed at her terrible attempt at hiding the game; Applejack got up and slung a hoof around Dashie’s neck, chuckling.
“RD, do you have any idea how obvious it’s been? You’ve had the hots for Callum since you met him, I’ve seen the way you look at him. Sugarcube, you’re practically obsessed with him!”
“I am NOT!”
Even on the receiving end of this, I couldn’t help but find her agitation amusing. Truth be told, I was rather anxious to do this, she was a pony for goodness sake! Sure, she was technically a sentient alien, but even if it wasn’t bestiality, it was sure as hell classed as xenophilic.
{Pull your snowflake head out of your wee snowflake arse! Back in Equestria, we don’t give a shite about interspecies relationships. Unlike your easily offended race, we don’t really care so long as all parties are happy, now stop being a pussy and kiss the girl before she has a meltdown.} Stardust ordered, mocking me.
“Just admit it, darling, you fancy him!”
“C’mon Sugarcube, you know you do!”
“I don’t even need a book to read the signs!”
Everyone’s comments were antagonising Dashie too much for it to be playful, they were clearly trying to get a reaction out of her; everyone had clearly been eager to see it happen, and they were now pushing her a little too far, I needed to stop it. I got up onto my knees and moved towards her while she remained on the defensive, she was getting so worked up that she didn’t even realise I had approached her.
“I don’t fancy him!” Rainbow Dash growled.
“Yes, you do, and I’ll fucking prove it.” I replied.
I took either side of her head in my hands, and looked her dead in the eye.
{Fuck it…} I thought.
Lunging forward, I planted my lips against hers and held them there, her eyes almost bulged out of their sockets, until she realised this was really happening, and she closed them.
And so did I…
{Not so bad, ey?}
My eyes flashed open, and I pulled back; shit, how long had I been there? I only meant to kiss her briefly, I had completely lost myself in it! Dashie couldn’t close her mouth, and exhaled slowly, clearly lost in it too; she blinked and then shook her head, and then we both gulped nervously, looking around at the audience that had remained silent throughout.
“Um…” I began, but couldn’t continue.
I broke out into an anxious smile, awaiting some sort of judgement.
“Well then… That was certainly…” Rarity trailed off.
“Cute…” Fluttershy finished for her.
I sat back down beside Twilight and very quickly downed my glass of Kraken, letting the taste of the rum flood my mouth and warm my throat. Rainbow Dash sat down in her seat and didn’t utter a sound.
“Feel better Dashie?” Fluttershy asked.
The cyan pegasus nodded, and then stood up once more.
“I uh, need to go to the bathroom!” she yelped.
Dashie bolted out of the room and closed the double doors behind her; however, we didn’t hear hoofsteps after that, indicating she was hiding on the other side and hadn’t actually gone anywhere. I raised an eyebrow and watched the door, as did the others.
And then we heard it, whispering under her breath from behind the door.
“Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh…”
There was a quiet squeal of delight, and then we eventually heard the hoofsteps clip clopping off to the bathroom further away in the mansion; everyone chuckled at her evident joy and then looked to me.
“So Callum, how’d you experience that?” Applejack asked.
With the attention back on me, I grew rather shy again.
“Well it was, um, interesting… not-not all that different from kissing a human actually. Her lips had the same texture and uh, whatnot. It was quite strange, but not uh... not exactly unpleasant.”
“But how did you experience that?”
I looked at Applejack and shrugged.
“I don’t know, kind of... nice, I guess?”
“I think I’m going to leave, before I throw up in my helmet.” Hawnu Rey’eng muttered.
{Oh, grow a pair, you overpowered sissy flapdoodle. You’re supposed to be a transcendental guardian for fuck sake, if you’re going to cringe over a wee interspecies kiss, you’re not fit for the job and should hand over yer wee shiny suit to Callum.} Stardust mocked.
{If only you knew.} he replied via telepathy.
{Oh, trust me, I do know, Flappyboi, which only makes it more ironic. Now fuck off before you ruin the party, I’m actually having an enjoyable time for once.}
I flexed an eyebrow at the guardian, both confused at the situation, and impressed at Stardust’s blatant dominance, I wanted to see how he’d react.
“Going so soon? Not even up for a single dare?” Rarity asked him.
“I’m afraid not, I’ve overstayed my welcome and have other matters to tend to, but this has certainly been the nicest evening I’ve experienced in a long time, I thank you all for the good company, and Applejack, I thank you for the excellent cooking.”
“What kind of matters?” Twilight asked.
Leaning up against the wall, he very generously decided to elaborate.
“Do not be fooled, Twilight Sparkle, this world is under threat from more than just Nah’Lek. There are myriads of looming catastrophes all over the Earth, many of an otherworldly design. It’s my responsibility to tend to these threats, all the while ensuring the human race doesn’t know about them, such as the events in Chernobyl.”
Tilting my head and giving an astounded huff, it dawned on me that Hawnu Rey'eng had basically just confirmed that Earth had not only been visited by other aliens, but that it had been attacked by them.
“You say it like it’s some dull chore." Rarity hummed, "Surely it must be rewarding to uphold the very foundations of your home?"
“And I bet you get to fight all sorts of aliens and monsters." I added, "That’s got to be fun, right?”
Folding his arms, Hawnu Rey’eng took a moment to reply, emitting a sigh that was only just perceptible.
“This is no longer my home." he said at last, "And if I am to be honest with you, my role has become rather mundane after a few thousand years. I greatly prefer occurrences such as these, wherein I’m blessed to witness a group of individuals sharing a time of mirth, and merriment. It is the reason I advised Callum and Rainbow Dash to bring the alcohol here. Now that Nah'Lek has been considerably set back, you all deserve to let go for a while before continuing in your journey. So to conclude, I don’t particularly relish in my exploits, not even amidst worthy foes such as Nah’Lek, I only fight because I must. Besides, fun isn’t exactly something one considers when maintaining the balance of the universe.”
He paused, and his visor lit up much more vividly, clearly showing his happiness.
“But this... does put a smile on my face.”
There was a short silence as we all took in the guardian’s unexpected sentiment. And then, from another room in the house, we heard Rainbow Dash’s voice.
“Gaaaaaaaaaaaayy!”
Most of us couldn’t help but chortle, and for the first time, I actually heard the guardian laugh properly. It was a rather profound moment, somewhere underneath all that metal, there was a human being. Screw the wings, screw the magic, and screw that whole ‘guardian’ malarkey; he was a genuine person, and I wanted to know who he really was.
“Well on that note, I’m off.” he announced, “I have some polar ice caps to refreeze, we wouldn’t want that ice dragon waking up, now would we?”
Our mouths fell open and he took a bow, flaring his wings in preparation for flight. Refusing to elaborate further, he stepped out of the room and said his farewell to Rainbow Dash, who was still lurking outside. Before leaving for good, he went upstairs and bid Pinkie a goodbye as well. After that, we heard the double doors in the entry hall open, and them promptly close. We rushed to the window and spotted him just as he took a running leap into the air, taking flight and ascending into the clouds.
“Well, that was Hawnu Rey’eng.” I said, pouring another glass of Kraken.
"I like him." Applejack stated, still looking out the window.
“He was certainly an interesting fellow." Rarity hummed, But I'm sorry, did he say something about an ice dragon?”
Huffing and rolling my eyes, I speculated that he was either bluffing for dramatic effect, or that there was far more to my planet than we humans were aware of. Rainbow Dash then burst back into the room, visibly more tipsy than before.
"Dragon-shmagon, I think he's cool."
She came and flopped down beside me, and I asked if she was still up for playing more Truth or Dare. Nodding frantically, the game continued, just as the drinks were properly beginning to kick in; even I was beginning to feel a buzz. Twilight leaned forward and spun the bottle, unpausing the game and allowing the intoxicated hilarity to continue. Looking from face to face, I had a feeling that our questionable activities tonight had only just begun…
“I dare you to make out with Rarity!” Applejack hollered.
The white unicorn didn't even flinch as Rainbow Dash boldly approached her. Still wholly unprepared for this degree of raunchiness, I averted my eyes and poured an amaretto for myself, along with another for Twilight. Holding her glass for her, I aided her in sipping from the glass, as I had been doing for the entire night.
“Oh, they’re really going for it.” she sighed.
Plucking up the courage to observe, I looked over to Rarity to see her cupping Rainbow's face with a hoof, while the pegasus had her forelegs draped around the unicorn's neck. Clearing my throat awkwardly, I chose to look back to my drink.
“Why does it make you uncomfortable?” Twilight asked quietly.
“I’m not sure, I guess I’m just not quite ready for so much openness for this sort of thing, humans aren’t exactly known for their open diverse relationships with others. Not to mention we’ve got only one sentient race on the planet, a relationship with any creature other than another human is bestiality, which is completely and utterly frowned upon. We’ve got no equals in race, so to consider an interspecies relationship is simply ludicrous for us.” I explained.
“Hm, I suppose that’s rather understandable.”
“I’m sure it’s probably got something to do with Bunnie as well, at the end of the day, even though she’s gone, I still love her, I guess a part of me always will.”
Twilight placed a hoof onto the back of my hand.
“And that’s absolutely fine, it’s normal to always have a place in your heart for someone. But hey, maybe this is good for you? Perhaps it could be a way of moving forward?”
Exhaling emphatically through my nose, I saw that she might have had a point. Our attention was drawn back to the game as we realised Rarity and Dashie had finished their dare and had already spun the bottle once, with Applejack being the upcoming truth-asker or dare-giver. Upon a second spin, it landed on Twilight.
“Twilight! Truth or dare?” Applejack hollered.
“Truth.”
“You’ve been telling truths the whole darn game! Come on, be daring!”
Twilight rolled her eyes, and dipped her head.
“Okay, dare.”
“Right, it’s time for the big test.” she begun deviously.
Twilight tilted her head.
“Since we came to Earth, you and Callum have had a very tense relationship, am I right?”
I gulped nervously, I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and so did Twilight, who sheepishly placed a hoof on the back of her neck to rub it.
“Well let’s see how well you’ve made amends.”
{Fuck.} I thought.
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked fretfully.
“You know what I mean.”
{Shit.}
I took a very large sip from my Disaronno.
“I dare you to make out with Callum.”
{Shit, fuck!}
I refused to make eye contact with anyone. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this, a little kiss was one thing, but this?
“Do I have the right to decline?” I asked.
“What’s the matter? Are you a chicken?” Applejack teased.
“No, I just-”
“Bwark bwark bwark!” she interrupted me.
The others joined in, clucking wildly in mockery, Rainbow Dash jumped to her feet and started strutting around and bobbing her head, pretending to peck the ground in search of corn.
{Scootaloo! Scoot-scoot Scootaloo!} Stardust cried out.
I looked to Twilight with a pained expression, and she returned the look.
“Guys, I don’t think I’m ready for this.”
“Come on Callum! Don’t be a wimp!” AJ giggled.
{You like Dashie don’t you?}
{What?} I thought back.
{You’ll kiss Rainbow Dash but you won’t kiss Twilight... you like the rainbow-haired one!}
Subtly clenching my fists, I argued in thought how that was certainly not the case. Rainbow Dash had just been a little kiss, but now I was being ordained to make out with the pony who had been my mortal enemy for so many months prior, of whom was now finally my friend, and the last thing I wanted was to make things weird between us.
“Is Callum really *hic*, about to back down from a dare?” Rarity gasped, clearly trying to provoke me.
{Oh pull your head out of your wee arse and make out with the egghead.}
“Shall we just get it over with?” Twilight asked.
“T’is a night of shame.” I muttered.
I raised my glass to her, and downed the whole lot, which was about three shots worth of Disaronno, I gritted my teeth and shook my head as the strong spirit burned my throat and I threw the glass away into the corner of the room, to which it smashed loudly upon contact with the wall; I lunged at Twilight, who did the same, I closed my eyes and our lips met, and before I knew it, I was draped over her like a cool bedsheet on a hot summer’s night.
“Oh shit! He’s going for it!” Dashie cried out.
{This isn't happening. This isn't happening.} I thought over and over again.
{Well, I mean... it is though.}
{Shut up, Stardust. This isn't happening.}
{Isn't it? Because your hands are stroking an awfully velvety face.}
{Shut, up, Stardust!}
{Oh my, that's a very wet tongue.}
{Stardust Moonshimmer, I am going to stab you, in the neck, with a knife!}
{The only one you’re going to be stabbing laddie, is Twilight here, with your co-}
{FUCK, OFF, STARDUST!}
At last, I finally pulled back and opened my eyes. Twilight panted faintly and was blushing heavily, staring into my eyes with a dreamy, spaced-out expression. Turning to face the others, I realised they were all staring at me intensely, their eyes practically bulging out of their sockets.
“Well then…” I said, desperate to break the silence.
“So uh, that was one of the hottest gosh-darn things I’ve ever seen!” Applejack murmured.
“Really?” I asked, rubbing the back of my neck with embarrassment.
“Uh, yeah!" she exclaimed, "You never told us you had that side to you.”
“Well, it’s not really something one brings up in general conversation, is it?”
The girls laughed a little at that, and I reached for my glass, only to remember that my glass was now in hundreds of little pieces on the other side of the room, I honestly had no idea why I had done that. Twilight sheepishly nudged her own glass towards me, to which I gladly accepted and took a large swig, before helping her finish off the rest.
“I think it’s safe to say we’ve definitely uh... made amends, ey?” I joked.
She giggled, and then spun the bottle once more to initiate the next round. Tactfully spinning it with enough momentum to make herself the dare-giver, she made a very clear attempt to make things less steamy, by was of bringing the whole group together in a much more playful dare.
“I dare everyone to have a race on half their legs! Callum, you can only hop on one leg, and we’re only allowed to walk on two legs, if you fall over, you’re out!”
“What does the winner get?” Dashie asked.
“The winner gets to give everyone else a truth, and a dare.”
“I’ll drink to that!” Applejack cheered.
“Yeah, that sounds fun!” Fluttershy agreed.
We all got up, and it was clear who was drunk and who wasn’t; the alcohol was certainly kicking in now for everyone. Rarity made four attempts until she could stand up straight, hiccupping loudly as she did so. Rainbow Dash burped and then laughed at the sound it had made, while Fluttershy was also wobbling around, looking like she was going to pass out, puke, or both.
“Where are we racing to?” I asked.
“How about first one to the dining room?” Twilight proposed.
“Yeah that sounds good!” Rarity agreed.
“And no wings!” Applejack ordered to Dashie, who shrugged defensively.
“Whaaat?”
“Isn’t Pinkie going to wonder what’s going on from upstairs?” I quizzed.
“Oh, she’ll be asleep by now, and she can sleep through anything.” Dashie answered.
“Doesn’t sound like Pinkie.”
“You’d be surprised." said Twilight, "With the amount of sugar she consumes, she can crash pretty hard. Trust me, she'll be zonked out until the morning.”
I hummed with understanding, and Applejack demanded we began the race before she needed another drink. We made our way to the back of the room, being careful to avoid my broken glass, and prepared ourselves. I raised my left leg and tried to balance on my right, and all the girls reared up and did the same on their two hind legs.
“Three, two, one… GO!” Twilight squealed.
If anyone could have witnessed the sight that followed those four words, they would have quite potentially required counselling, for the chaotic hilarity the took place was mad enough to have become a deranged viral video on the internet. By my second hop, Rarity had passed out and fallen face first into the floor, with Rainbow Dash tripping over her head. Desperate to stay in the game, the pegasus used her wings, propelling herself upwards and into the ceiling. As the rest of us reached the hallway, Applejack accidentally smacked Twilight in the side of the head while losing her balance, dazing the unicorn, and sending her directly into the staircase and smashing the bannisters. Upon entering the narrow passageway to the dining room, my right leg grew tired of hopping, and I could feel myself drifting to the left.
“Well, shit.” I said blankly as I fell.
“Don’t die right there! You’re blocking the way!” Applejack cried out.
Before I had the time to move, a hoof made contact with the side of my face, and everything went blurry, all I could hear was the high-pitched buzzing inside my head. I felt the vibration through the floorboards as Applejack crumpling to the floor next to me, and presumably Fluttershy hopping over the both of us and waddling her way to victory.
The buzzing continued to get more and more intense, and I felt something cold running down my cheek and onto my nose, I tried blinking but my vision remained blurry. I could faintly hear someone calling my name, and then I felt a pair of hooves on my arm, the pain in my head doubled as I was rolled onto my back, and I saw an orange blob in front of me.
“Caaalllllluuummm… Ssuuggaarrccuubbee… Y’aallllrriigghhtt?”
“Yeehaw…” I whimpered.
I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed, before making an attempt to sit up. The buzzing remained, but my vision slowly cleared up, revealing Twilight and Applejack side by side, fussing over me.
“Sugarcube, I am so sorry! I was trying to jump over you.”
Groaning, I raised a hand to my head and rubbed where she had kicked me.
“Well, you failed in that task.” I murmured.
Twilight then pointed out that I was bleeding, and upon bringing my hand back down, I realised that my fingers were now lightly doused in the crimson liquid, which had started trickling down into my eyebrow from the small gash in my forehead. The pain was numbed from my drunken state, and I declared that I was fine, but Twilight insisted regardless that I needed to put some ice on it. Our attention was then drawn to the dining room, where Fluttershy could be seen prancing around on top of the table, loudly celebrating her victory.
“Wooo! Yeah, I beat all of you! I'm the winner!”
Spotting us in the doorway, she pointed a hoof at us and continued to gloat, swaying her head from side to side.
“I win! Oh yeah! I win! I… um... I... wi… n…”
Trailing off, Fluttershy gave us a blank expression, before looking down and opening her mouth, very suddenly expelling all the alcohol she had consumed. It was a disgustingly hilarious sight as Fluttershy became something of a fountain for a few seconds, puking all over the table and then fainting directly into it with a heavy wet smack. The dining table’s old legs then snapped and the entire thing dropped to the ground, taking Fluttershy with it and causing her to roll off, sprawling out onto the floor with as much grace and decorum as an insect, splattered upon a car windshield.
“One of us should take her to bed.” I mumbled.
“I’ll sort her out, you go and rest that head, Twilight, would you get him some ice?” Applejack said.
Twilight nodded and escorted me back to the lounge, where we found Rainbow Dash still hanging from the ceiling, her head and upper torso lost in the upper foundations of the house; quite possibly with her head emerging from the floor in a room upstairs.
“Yo Rainbow Dash, y’alright?” I called up to her.
“Yeah, just, you know… hanging around.” her muffled voice replied.
“Punny.” I said, rolling my eyes.
I jumped up and grabbed her leg, yanking her downwards, a few rotten pieces of wood and loads of dust came down with her; after helping her dust herself down, I noticed Rarity was still unconscious by the wall where the race had begun.
“Wild side, my arse.” I scoffed.
Twilight went over to her bag, which contained the portable fridge-freezer, she took some ice and placed it onto a towel she’d taken earlier, and I helped wrap it up and then held it against my head.
“What happened to you?” Dashie asked.
“Applejack kicked me in the face.”
“Standard.”
“I was expecting you to offer to kiss it better.” Twilight teased.
“Piss off, egghead.”
We all chuckled and sat back in the original circle, and looked at the bottle in the middle.
“Another round?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“I’m pretty sure the game’s over Dashie.” I replied.
“Awh man, I want to keep going.”
“Well, I didn’t say we could stop drinking.”
Twilight grinned, and slid her glass over to me, where I poured the rest of the Disaronno into it for her, I then stole Rarity’s glass as she wouldn’t be needing it anymore, and poured myself a large amount of Kraken; this night wasn’t over until I couldn’t stand up.
“Here’s to getting fucked up!” I cheered.
Dashie cheered and we all continued to drink.
With the amount we ended up drinking, we grew tired of using glasses and drank straight from the bottle, which made it easier for Twilight to drink without my assistance; that said, she was struggling to even see the bottles she was grabbing, we were all getting very drunk.
“You know something, egghead?” Dashie asked loudly.
Twilight’s head slowly rotated to look at her.
“I forgive you for all that shit, you… *hic* you didn’t know what the fuck you were doing, Callum told me about that Fel stuff and *hic*, like, like… I know it does weird shit to your head, like, you lose yourself…
My point is, I know now that all the shit you’ve done wasn’t your fault, I forgive you egghead.”
I faced Twilight, and saw her lip trembling, she blinked once before bursting into tears and wrapping Rainbow in a gigantic hug, I smiled widely at the scene and reached for the Kraken, downing the last amount left inside.
{You alright there Drunkie?} Stardust hummed.
“Yeeaahh, bwooii…” I replied in a deep voice, something akin to Morgan Freeman's.
Twilight and Dashie stopped hugging and looked at me with the most bewildered expression, I shrugged and pointed at them with finger guns.
“Kachow.”
{You’re trollied Callum.}
“Alas, I can still stand.”
I stood up and did a little dance, to which Dashie laughed and reached for some more of her own drink, to which Twilight did the same, we were hellbent on getting shitfaced; we spend the next half an hour focused on hard spirits and ditched the remaining beer and cider. While we drank, we joked about past times and what still lay ahead, while keeping the mood light.
“So, what country do you think we’ll go to next?” one of the girls asked.
By now, I couldn’t even tell who was talking, so I decided to answer the ceiling.
“Fuck knows, but I hope it’s not another ju*hic*ungle, Brazil was evil.”
“Tell me about it.” Dashie grumbled.
“I’m glad your wings are finally better from that.” Twilight said merrily.
Dashie dipped her head in thanks and finished the last of the Jack Daniels, I took a risk and reached the Fluttershy’s remaining Baileys; a thick Irish cream mixed with rum, beer, and amaretto was sure to send me into true drunkenness, I kept confident in my stomach and took a large swig.
“You’re going to die.” Twilight chuckled.
“Probably.” Dashie agreed.
{You know what really sucks? Because I’m a soul trapped in yer wee body, I’m not affected by ANY of this shite, I’m still sober as a nun on Sunday; sure, I feel the same buzz, but I’m in no way influenced, you could be blind drunk, and I could see it clear as day.} Stardust grumbled.
{That, my Equestrian friend, is unfortunate.}
Oh boy, it didn’t take long until that hit me…
The buzz became muffled white noise as my sensory capabilities declined drastically, mixing drinks was known to always do the trick, and now I understood it first-hand. I blinked a few times and then looked in the corner of the room, where Rarity remained fast asleep on the wooden floor.
“She’s more dead than me.” I pointed out.
The girls laughed and continued to drink with me.
“You know, some music would really add to the vi*hic*ibe, being drunk in a quiet room without any tunes doesn’t quite have the same feeling, does it?”
Rainbow Dash hummed in agreement, and Twilight simply nodded like a bobblehead, clearly about to pass out herself; I gave her a slight push with the tips of my fingers and she toppled over, laughing wildly as she attempted to stand up, eventually being able to rise up and drink another load of Lambs Navy Rum.
“I think… I think I’m going to go to bed after this drink, I’d rather pass out in a bed.”
I tilted my head at Twilight, and shrugged.
“Fair o*hic*one…” I garbled.
She took one last big swig from the bottle, wiped her lips, and gave me a tight hug.
“I’ll… see you… in-in the, uh… In the morning!”
“Drink some water, or you’ll be hanging out of your arse.” I replied, breaking off the hug.
She nodded and waddled out of the room, leaving me and Dashie together; at this point, she was just a fuzzy blue blob. I grinned and threw an arm around her.
“And then, there were two!”
“The real alcohol heavyweights!” she hailed back.
I looked at her, and while there was a multicoloured blob looking back, I swear she had Bunnie’s face.
“You okay?” she asked.
Blinking twice, she looked like Dashie again, and I nodded.
“Yeah, just fine!”
“Are you sure?” Bunnie quizzed, double checking.
“Of course, I, wait…” I stopped.
“Wait what?”
I looked at her, and it was getting harder and harder to distinguish who she was; it was the drink, surely, or perhaps I just needed more, I took the Baileys and had another gulp, licking my lips at the taste of the creamy liqueur and then grinning.
“Never mind Bun, er, hun! I just *hic* needed another drink.”
“Same here.” she replied.
She took the bottle from me and drank some, only to stick her tongue out in disgust.
“Ew! How have you been drinking this? It’s not alcohol, it’s cream!”
“It’s alcoh*hic*holic cream, basically.”
“Yeah, it’s gross, I need a spirit.”
She went off into the distance and I lost sight of her, everything was too vague and blurry, was I standing or sitting? I couldn’t tell, I didn’t even know if I was looking up or down.
“Hey!” a familiar voice called over to me.
I looked towards the source, and just about made out Rainbun-bow! Dash.
“Follow me!”
Doing as I was told, I dizzily stumbled after her, only for her to leave the room; I giggled and gave chase, she went up the stairs, spilling whiskey as she went. Upon climbing the stairs, it felt like I was scaling a mountain, each step was like a handhold as I went up on my hands and knees, laughing as I crawled, this was so much fun! I needed to let myself go after everything I’d been through, and this had been the perfect opportunity, the buzzing in my head wasn’t irritating, I let it flow and just went with it.
“Who the hell even makes *hic* stairs? We need an elevator…” I mumbled.
Crawling over the top, I flopped onto my back, causing my head to spin even more, the room was a kaleidoscope right now, it had an odd beauty to it. I then felt another person’s hand hold my own, I turned to see Bunnie sat next to me.
“Your hand is really blue.” I said.
“Come on, you.” she chuckled, tugging me.
I slowly got to my feet and followed her into a doorway in the ceiling, or was it the floor?
{That’s the wall, drunkie.}
“Ah, thanks, *hic*, my dude.”
There it was, the most beautiful bed I’d ever seen, this wasn’t king-sized, this was god-sized!
“I call top bunk!” I announced, regardless of there being no bunks.
A giggle came from behind me, and I turned around only to be pushed backwards. I landed on the bed and it temporarily felt like I’d fallen into a swimming pool, I was floating in spacey water, it was warm and fuzzy, and blue.
{That’s Rainbow Dash, you’re hugging her.}
Sure, sure, Stardust might have said that, but no pony could feel like they were all around me, Rainbow Dash was a pony, not a body of water.
{That body of water is called a pair of wings, wrapping around you. Oh, and you’re being smooched.}
Hm, so that’s what that feeling was, I tried to focus and realised he was right, I was kissing Bunnie; it had all just been a very bad dream. My dear sweet Bunnie was still alive, and now it was just the two of us.
“Well, we’re finally in that room again...” I sighed happily, pulling back.
Bunnie smiled, and I flopped onto my back, and before I knew it, there was blue everywhere, light cyan blue, and my neck felt all tingly, it had to be Bunnie, only she would kiss my neck like that. The buzzing in my head got louder, and the sensations grew more intense, my skin grew hypersensitive and I couldn’t stop smiling, I must have looked really silly, but it was only her, and she wouldn’t have cared. I wrapped my arms around her and we threw ourselves into the bed properly, the increase of pace caused the droning in my head to peak; I couldn’t see, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t even smell…
But I could feel… and gosh… that, felt, good…
The first thing I felt the following day, was a dry throat and a splitting headache, along with ebbing and flowing waves of nausea. This was easily the worst hangover I had now experienced; I really ought to have drank some water before bed. Moaning painfully, I looked at the bedside table to find exactly that, a glass of water, along with a terribly scribbled note, it looked as though a toddler had written it.
You’ll need this, stay healthy.
- Love from Drunk Callum
Smirking, I took the glass and took a large gulp, only to taste a putrid burning, I sprayed it all out onto the floor and coughed loudly, it was fucking vodka! Drunk Callum was a dickhead. Snarling with annoyance, I rolled back into bed and stretched, and nearly jumped out of my skin as my left hand made contact with fur. Gulping, I slowly rolled over onto my left side and pulled back the covers, to reveal Rainbow Dash sleeping soundly.
That was when I realised that I wasn’t wearing any clothes.
“Oh god… Oh god, no…” I murmured.
I couldn’t have, there was no recollection of such an event, and my memory was superb! Surely I’d just got hot in the night, and a drunk Rainbow Dash came and crashed in bed with me while I was asleep. That must have been what happened, surely! And then, from deep within my skull, a quiet chuckling rang out, and the voice of Stardust echoed in my mind.
{Well good morning, sunshine, sleep well?
I haven’t forgotten a thing… Would you like me to tell you now, or later?}