Pinkie’s antics startled Twilight out of her daze. Well, she thought, at least that clarifies what Cadence was hinting at last time I visited. Also, I can file ongoing experiment 13 a, orientation, under ‘resolved’. 13 b, resolving error bars on the Cadenza Chart Score, to be initiated. Science. Yay. And apparently somepony swearing fealty to me really does it for me. An image of Tempest kissing her hoof and looking up at her with sultry and demanding eyes flashed through her mind and tingles shot through her. She shook her head to clear it. No, focus, she’s your friend and you don’t know how she feels. That might have been platonic. Oh no, I need to figure out how to ask her. Deep breaths Twilight. Oh thank Harmony we’re busy.
“So!” She said with as much cheer as she could press into her voice. “Now we’re all here, and the Crystal Empire has finally arrived” and not a moment too soon, she thought privately “we can get to the War Room and really get some serious planning done. Cadence, Shining, and Sunburst should know to meet us there.” And if they’re not awake, she added to herself, I SWEAR I’ll break out Luna’s coffee recipe. If that doesn’t do it, nothing will. I don’t care what magic they put into this thing.
“FINALLY” Dash griped. “We’ve been waiting for days and days!”
“It’s been 20 minutes” Fluttershy muttered.
“For you maybe. Being cool makes time go faster. Come on, somepony carry Rarity and lets go.”
“Gotcha covered” said Applejack, and she let out a piercing whistle. Two of the dream soldiers trotted over, emerald and ruby crystal ponies with matching silver manes. “The lady here has an attack of the vapors. Would y’all be kind enough to take to the War Room, and fetch her a vial of smellin salts?”
The soldiers gave her a dirty look, and glanced at Tempest, who gave them a curt nod of acknowledgement. Strange, thought Twilight, you’d think they’d be more respectful to a...huh. According to her false memories, Applejack in this world had run away from Manehattan. But instead of going home, she had gone to Appleoosa and become a bank robber. They’d met in Canterlot a year before Ponyville when Twilight was tracking down mysterious donations to charities that supported orphans and single mothers. The idea had been to present the anonymous benefactor an award, and boy had that been awkward when Applejack had explained why she couldn’t accept it. The illicit friendship that formed, strained by their positions but reinforced by mutual respect and Applejack’s unfailing honesty, had culminated with Applejack attuning the Element of Honesty and renouncing her criminal ways.
It was official, the backstory engine in this spell was out of control.
As the crystal guards lifted Rarity’s couch and carried it off like a palanquin, Spike sidled up to Twilight. “So...the staring, and the fainting. That was because of the awesome right? She thought I looked good?”
Twilight looked down at Spike, and his ridiculous outfit. He’d clearly thought long and hard about it, and she could see bits from the costumes of all his favorite villains in the design. He looked up at her hopefully. “Spike” she said as kindly as she could, “I think it might be too much of a good thing.”
By the time Rarity had been revived, they had all made their way back to the Celestial Palace and reached the War Room. It was genuinely impressive, an octagonal chamber lined with wards against scrying and eavesdropping Twilight was just itching to analyze. She’d already teased out an interweaving of Notice-Me-Not and Secret Heart’s Secure Sanctum, and that was just scratching the surface. Their conferences here would definitely be secure.
Everyone was seated around the central table, an enormous protrusion of raw crystal. It reminded Twilight of the Friendship Map and gave the whole thing a regal air, even if the chairs were deeply mismatched to accommodate the crowd. Cadence and Shining sat together, occasionally shooting sheepish and apologetic glances at Twilight. When they had arrived Cadence had tried to break the awkward moment with the Ladybugs Dance. Unfortunately it had backfired dramatically when yet more false memories regarding that dance and their purported wedding night had turned up. And so now they were sitting on opposite sides of the table, unable to look each other in the face. Flea-Hammering was too good for Discord, Twilight thought to herself. He’d even caused some kind of library emergency that Sunburst was delayed resolving. Sure they were only dream books, but it was the principal of the thing! Her friends and Spike were chattering together, and Tempest had foregone a seat entirely to stalk the edges of the room with a thunderous expression. She had to get this meeting started, and quickly. Right Twilight, she told herself, remember you were excited about this. Before it all went wrong. And before it kept getting worse. And...Right. No remembering, just go.
“So everypony!” She said, trying to sound crisp and businesslike. “Now that we’re all here, it’s time to start making plans.” Twilight summoned a list, glancing over it. “Our first step should be to gather in a secure location, so check! And our next order of business is to pick our objectives.”
“Actually” said Shining, speaking up, “setting objectives is important. But we have something even more of a priority to deal with.”
“What? We do? But our goals in the war will determine everything else, from…”
“Yes” Said Shining cut her off, sounding completely serious. “Before we do anything else we have to settle a bet. Tempest” she jerked to look at him, startled, “just how in Tartarus did you get those airships past the Diviner Corps and the air patrols? It’s been bothering me for months. I know the future isn’t fixed and you can’t look everywhere, but that was just embarrassing.”
“Oooh! Oooh! I know! Well, I sorta know!” Pinkie was hopping in her seat with her hoof raised before Tempest could say anything. “It’s cause you were working for the STORM King right? And so you took the place by storm! With storms!”
“Pinkie, calm down and let her answer” Twilight said. “I was curious about that too actually. How did you really do it?”
Tempest, meanwhile, was staring at Pinkie. “How could you possibly know that?” Twilight blinked.
“Pinkie Sense!” Pinkie chirped, looking insufferably pleased with herself. Twilight blinked again.
“Pinkie...Sense…what in Tartarus is Pinkie Sense? Twilight, help me out here?”
Twilight shrugged. “It’s Pinkie. She’s un-quantifiable. I tried to study the Pinkie Sense once but it proved completely impossible. I didn’t even think she could do that. Pinkie, your Pinkie Senses just told you how Tempest did it?”
“What? No, you silly! I can’t do that.”
“But you just said you knew because of the Pinkie Sense.”
“Uh huh!”
Twilight looked back at Tempest. “I’ve got nothing. How did you do it?”
“Twiiiilight...weren’t you listening?”
Tempest sighed. “It’s a bit embarrassing actually. I knew about Celestia’s diviners, and I’d been busting my tail in the library trying to come up with a method for a surprise attack. You know I was their only expert on Equestrian magic right?” Twilight nodded.
“So then the old goat himself bursts in, going on about how his ‘marketing’ propaganda guys had come up with the new Storm King branding campaign. And the upshot was I had to plan all our invasions around attacking during storms. I told him that we didn’t have any Griffons in our army, or any other weather workers for that matter, and so I’d need more budget to hire them. Which is when he laughed, and told me not to be ridiculous. He said Capran Gruffs were more than enough for anyone. With pelvic thrusts.” Tempest rolled her eyes.
“Let me tell you, I was this close to walking out at that point. But then I remembered about wild weather, and how it was unpredictable. And a bit more research said that was literal. So it solved both problems at once. We waited for really nasty wild storm off Vanhoover that called up the air patrol reserves to break it up, then slipped past and did a speed run for Canterlot.”
“Okay yeah, makes sense” said Dash. “Wild storms are all loaded up with natural chaos magic.”
“...Yes” said Tempest, clearly surprised. So was Twilight for that matter. Dash knew magical theory that she didn’t? “How do you know that? How did Pinkie know that?”
“Tempest, I’m the regional weather manager for the Everfree District. I’ve gotta know about wild storms, it’s literally my job.”
“And since when have you cared about your job?”
“HEY!”
“Ha! She’s gotcher number there Dash” said Applejack with a grin.
Dash glared. “I DO care about my job. Just because I can do it faster so I’ve got more time off doesn’t mean I’m not pulling my weight. I don’t leave my team hanging. And I like learning stuff too. Just so long as it’s awesome stuff. Or radical, like this.”
“What’s the...no, never mind.” Tempest turned to Pinkie. “And you...what, pulled that out of your plot? Because if you tell me you were just punning to yourself…”
“Nope! Well, a little bit. But mostly it’s that unscheduled storms always screw up my Pinkie Senses. See, sometimes I get these twitches and shimmies and shakes that let me know things are coming. And I thought that’s kind of seeing the future. And if Pinkie Sense doesn’t warn me in storms, even for things that should be real doozies like the time with the geese and all the cheese, then I thought…”
“I get the picture” Tempest cut her off. “In any case, does that answer your question your Highness?”
“Perfectly. Though I wish it wasn’t, it means I’m out 50 bits.”
Candence nudged him. “I told you she didn’t get a set of ogres and oubliettes dice.”
“Attacking only on a natural 20 is a perfectly good method, it puts the daily probability in the second standard deviation. It’s easily far enough off the main chance to be ignored with the rest of the garbage visions.”
“Dear, I love you, and I enjoy our game, but there’s such a thing as taking your hobbies too far.”
All this is just like the old practice of divination for auspicious signs before a battle, Twilight thought. Later magical research had shown such divination methods spurious, but what if it had survived because it threw off the warnings of the genuine visionaries? She would have to check the natural chaos levels of various gambling methods, and made a note to look into it later.
“So all we have to do to sneak past Celestia’s army is be totally random? I can totally do that! I’m the best at random, everypony says so!”
“I think you’re quite right, dear” said Rarity “which is why, when the time comes, I think you should be the one to launch the mission.”
Pinkie gaspe aloud. “Oooh, thank you Rarity! I’ll make sure their being conquered is the biggest, most random surprise ever!” She sounded completely sincere. Twilight loved her friend, but she also worried about her sometimes.
Cadence giggled. “I do like surprises. Which reminds me. Our number one goal really should be kidnapping Celestia. Or Luna, I’m not really picky. But I’d really like to get it out of my system and be on the kidnapper side of things for once.”
“Seems good” said Applejack. “This rate, we can be pretty sure some varmint’ll try again any road. Think we also want the Sun and Moon, or are we tryin for somethin a bit more original?”
“Well, while I’m all in favor of originality, I think that in this case it really is a classic for a reason” Rarity replied. “Our own distinction will come from the flair and style with which we make our own attempt.”
“Great! Objectives, check!” Twilight said, marking down her notes. “Now next…” she was interrupted by a loud gurgle from Fluttershy’s stomach.
“Um...sorry” she said, looking embarrassed.
“Aint no trouble Fluttershy. Here, have an apple” said Applejack tossing her one from her saddlebags. To everyone’s surprise Fluttershy didn’t look thrilled. In fact, she looked a little disgusted. She gave the apple a sniff, then a tentative lick, and shuddered.
“Actually,” she said in a small voice. “I think I might have to go to the...um...infirmary.”
“Are you feeling sick?” Twilight was surprised, and worried. Normally a transformation like Fluttershy’s might have had consequences, but it was Discord. If he was going to be careful about anything it would be her.
“No, not sick” she said, even more quietly. “Just, um, really really hungry.” Realization clicked for Twilight.
“Right, of course, Thestrals aren’t just from frugivorous or insectivorous bats are they.” Fluttershy shook her head silently. “Right, go ahead. Just try not to use too much of our reserve, we’ll need it if the kidnapping fails and it comes to more open war.” Fluttershy nodded, then darted from the room in a blur of wings.
“Darling...what just happened?” Rarity was looking with concern after her friend.
“Well as I said. Thestrals, more commonly known as Bat Ponies, have affinity to a wide variety of species of bats in both their magic and diet. They’re all nocturnal, with exceptional hearing and night vision. The most common variety are based on fruit bats, trading most pegasus weather control for an earth pony like affinity for plant life. Others eat insects, with…”
“She’s a vampony” Tempest cut her off. Twilight huffed. She was just getting to the good part.
“Hey!” Said Rainbow,. “That is seriously racist. I know you haven’t been in Equestria for awhile Tempest, but wow. Insensitive much?” Everypony stared at her, except Cadence who simply shook her head.
“Rainbow...what are you talking about?” Twilight was perplexed. Usually when Rainbow misunderstood something it was easier to tell what she thought you meant.
“Seriously? How vampony legends come from racism against Thestrals? Blood libel? Come on, how can I be the only pony here who knows this?”
“I think it might be a pegasus thing” said Cadence. “Most Equestrian thestrals live in Cloudsdale, so earth ponies and unicorns don’t interact with them except in the Night Guard. And the rest live far to the south.”
“Wellll, fine. You get a pass this time Tempest” Rainbow conceded. “But I’m watching you” she added, gesturing with her hoof.
“Noted” said Tempest dryly. “So Fluttershy is not a vampony. She’s a nocturnal blood drinking bat pony, can speak with animals, and has a hypnotic stare. Who, as a vampiric thestral, can summon lightning like a pegasus in addition to her plant magic. But calling her a vampony would be racist.”
“Watching. You.”
“Ahem. Leaving aside that a portion of my bookshelf may in fact be based on harmful stereotypes against foreigners…” Rarity began.
“Ya mean like the dashing Saddle-Arabian princes with…”
“A PORTION of my bookshelf I said, I have a question myself. The Crystal Empire is rather small isn’t it, compared to Equestria. After all, we are a single city. Assuming our covert attack against the Princesses fails, won’t our army be severely outnumbered?”
“Welcome to my life as a general” said Tempest. “We aren’t even mobile, though the northern weather gives us an incredible defensive advantage. As do the shielding talents of our Prince and Princess” she added, nodding to them. “Still, you’re right that it’s hardly ideal. The biggest advantage we have is that the Royal Guard folds like a cheap suit.”
Shining frowned heavily. “The Royal Guard is the elite fighting force in Equestria.”
“I’m sure YOUR troops are, your Highness,” said Tempest neutrally. “I’ve only heard good things about the Crystal Guard. But I can tell you for a fact that when we hit Canterlot we barely met any resistance.”
“I’m not surprised. Tornado has always been a fan of Lunar Defensive Doctrine. Which is all kinds of ironic.”
“I’ve never read about that. Guess I lucked out doing something he didn’t expect. What was he trying to do then?”
“Exactly what happened.” Tempest cocked her head in confusion. “It's based on the sheer number of threats with game changing abilities throughout Equus. When ambushed by a force of unknown capabilities, Lunar Defense calls for using pegasus mobility for an orderly retreat while protecting civilians, then rallying for a counterattack once you know what you’re facing.”
Tempest stared incredulously. “So you’re telling me that the Captain of the Royal Guard surrendered Canterlot and the Princesses on purpose?”
“Not exactly, but contingencies went into effect before the scope of the disaster had been realized. The Princesses being captured would have changed everything, trying to secure them and make a getaway until the petrification could have been reversed. But that message didn’t get passed on, and you know what happens if you try to take a retreat back halfway through. And so they wound up at the Cloudsdale rally point with no Princesses and three heavy hammer blows away from a monarchy.”
“Hmm, well that certainly explains a lot. I assume Tornado is the sort to fix the communication problem then?”
“Once the subordinates responsible are able to sit down again yes.”
“Well!” Said Rarity brightly. “More and more I’m favoring Cadence’s abduction plan. Perhaps if we make some plans...”
“Excellent!” Said Twilight, conjuring a scroll. “I have some ideas to brainstorm, and with your help, we should be able to fly through it. And we need to hurry: Celestia and Luna will be arriving any moment now..” She was confused by their looks of dismay as the scroll unrolled down the hallway. Preparedness could only help!
It was evening in Canterlot, and a shadow flitted from rooftop to rooftop. It kept to the shadows, ignoring the night life of the lamp lit streets below, and made a meandering way to a small walled compound. Blue eyes peered over the edge of the rooftop, looking at the guards on patrol. And a very small voice said “Oh dear.”