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// Alicorn of steel, little pony of tissue 
// Story: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics 
// by kudzuhaiku 
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While many might view Cadance as an alicorn or a goddess figure worthy of worship, Shining Armor knew her as a mare. His odd views were further reinforced by his daughters, alicorns both of them, alicorns that he had fathered. A sense of reverence and being a good parent were incompatible, which left him with the most peculiar view of alicorns; they were ponies. At some point, Shining Armor had become completely detached from the natural reverence that most ponies had for alicorns. He had changed alicorn diapers, wiped snotty alicorn noses, cleaned poopy alicorn behinds, he had scrubbed up alicorn puke puddles—Shining Armor was a pony assailed by the evidence that alicorns were just ponies and was now unphased by their resplendent majesty.

Alicorns were ponies, but everything about them was simply better. Bigger. Stronger. Anything a normal pony did an alicorn pony did better by a magnitude, and there were a great many things that a normal pony did in their life that nopony gave much thought about that an alicorn also did—but in a far more impressive manner. Normal ponies sneezed; alicorn ponies leveled small hamlets and caused construction crises with their facial explosions. Regular ponies orgasmed; alicorns caused seismic anomalies and tectonic upheaval while making ridiculous faces. A common pony broke wind; an alicorn caused indoor hurricanes and unsecured furniture might be thrown about the room.

Shining Armor had seen it all, borne witness to it, and watched the sheer existential horror of it. Things had to be made alicorn proofed. Furniture had to be bigger, stronger, and reinforced. Toilets had to be made to a ridiculous standard so they wouldn’t shatter into ceramic dust from thunderous blasts of flatulence. Beds had to be constructed in the same manner as bunkers, otherwise they wouldn’t endure even a moment of enthusiastic alicorn lovemaking. The world at large was simply not durable enough for alicorns, which constituted a crisis of sorts; alicorn numbers were on the rise and were only expected to grow.

The world was ill-prepared for this eventuality.

Only the bravest, most foolhardy of ponies attempted to woo alicorns, an act which most psychiatrists treated as evidence of a mental disorder. Why, initiating genital-to-genital contact was a textbook act of madness, an act fraught with danger, a potential act of destructive self-harm. Little ponies were just that—little ponies—and even the bravest, boldest, and most foolhardy among them were still little ponies.

Shining Armor had sent the psychiatrists scrambling away from him with but one bellow.





With his daughters in bed at a reasonable hour, Shining Armor was a pony almost beside himself with glee. Flurry didn’t even put up a fight about going to bed at the same time as her younger sister and might’ve fallen asleep before her head even hit the pillow. Skyla had to be carried to bed; she yawned, stumbled, and had trouble keeping her eyes open. It had been quite a day… but day had given way to night.

Grinning, Shining Armor threw open the doors to the liquor cabinet and had himself a look around. With his precious daughters tucked away in their beds, it was time for a delightful adult beverage—maybe several. The cabinet was stocked with everything that he and Cadance liked, and between the two of them, they had wide and varied tastes.

“Oh, hey, I’ll take a Celestia’s Massacre,” Cadance said to her husband while she reclined upon the sofa.

“One Celestia’s Massacre coming right up,” he replied with supreme giddiness. Cadance was going right for the heavy stuff with no time wasted.

From the cabinet, Shining Armor pulled out a bottle of pomegranate liqueur, a bottle of lemon syrup, a bottle of orange liqueur, and a bottle of dark spiced rum. He set these out on a little fold-out counter, pulled out a stainless steel shaker, and conjured up some ice cubes from the freezer. The ice went into the shaker, and then, while making sexy faces at his wife, Shining Armor poured in the booze in all the right amounts. When everything was in the shaker, he capped it off and began shaking, all while making himself absolutely irresistible.

Cadance was forced to turn away and bite her lip, lest she begin laughing.

The cocktail was shaken until a heavy layer of frost appeared upon the shaker, and then he gave it a few more shakes for good measure. Pulling out two highball glasses, he conjured up a bit more ice, filled the glasses, and popped the cap on the shaker. After a bit of careful pouring, he had himself two Celestia’s Massacres, a decidedly red and rather bloody looking drink that had an eye-wateringly citrusy appeal.

It was said that Princess Celestia had fixed herself one of these to celebrate her victory over some group of pirates that had vexed her, and Shining Armor had no doubt of this origin story; he knew the mare and her hidden quirks better than most. Smirking at his wife, cocky, knowing what pleasures awaited, he held up both glasses and waggled his eyebrows.

“You’re such a dork!” Cadance blurted out and then she was forced to stifle her giggles.

Swaggering, he crossed the room, bowed his head, and passed his wife one of the glasses. She scooted over a bit to make room for him, and he sat down upon the sofa beside her. Suddenly, they were teenagers once more, giggly obnoxious teenagers that had broken into the liquor cabinet yet again. Horny, hormonal adolescents free to grope one another and get into all manner of clumsy sexual mischief.

Cadance took a sip of her cocktail, made a face, shuddered, squirmed, and in a subdued voice said, “Woo…”

Following her lead, Shining Armor also took a sip, and was almost overcome by the sheer sourness of it all. Celestia’s Massacre was a favourite of the Royal Navy, and was clinically proven to keep scurvy away, probably because it was too sour for scurvy to stand. All of his senses awakened from the sour drink and he gazed into the eyes of the most perfect, most beautiful mare in all of existence.

Cadance’s lips were stained crimson from her drink, a deep, dark, ominous, foreboding red that almost appeared bloody. Her eyes twinkled in a merry way and in their depths he saw mischief. For a moment, Shining Armor was almost stricken by her beauty, and was left wondering how a stallion could be so lucky. She had been a wonderful wife to him, a companion, his best friend, and she had given him two daughters.

For the moment, he was content to simply stare at this most perfect creature.

“Shiny…”

“Yes, dear?”

“Does it ever bother you that you can’t get your daughters to play Oubliettes and Ogres with you?”

Sipping his drink, Shining Armor took a moment to think about his reply, and after swallowing, he smiled. “Flurry says I’m a huge mega-dork and she finds the whole thing boring. I suppose that Flurry would rather be out fighting ogres and trolls for real. As for Skyla… she just doesn’t get it. I suppose I have some regrets.”

“I feel bad that I couldn’t make you a playmate,” said Cadance, her tone teasing. “But I did try to make somepony that you could act your age with.”

Chuckling, Shining Armor settled in against his wife, thankful for climate control. It was only through the miracle of cool air that snuggles were made possible, and he rubbed his fuzzy body against hers. “I wish that you and I could play a bit more often, but that seems almost impossible now.”

“I know.” Cadance sounded almost wistful. “Time becomes a precious thing when one has an empire to rule.”

“Daughters to raise,” he added.

She nodded. “A world to save.”

“Apprentices to teach… and sometimes torment.”

“I bet that you could get Chartreuse to play Oubliettes and Ogres with you.”

This made Shining Armor pause. “Do you really think so?”

“Shiny, that poor filly… your apprentice, she would do anything to get your approval.”

Taking a sip, he nodded, then swallowed. “I know, Cadance, and that scares me. After some of the… incidents… I try to be mindful of what I ask her to do. She is so single minded and purpose driven. That filly’s ambition scares me a little, Cadance. Really, it does. That night when she was with Dim and everything went wrong… she took it all in stride. Most fillies… most ponies for that matter, they would have been left shivering wrecks after that. But not her. She’s made of the same iron as that fireplace poker she keeps.”

“It is the nature of who we are, Shiny,” Cadance said to her husband while leaning closer to him. “The very best and the brightest come to us seeking direction. Everything has snowballed. One moment, I’m the Empress of a fractured, broken empire, and I have no idea what I’m doing, and the next, I find myself surrounded by the best and the brightest that the world has to offer. It’s been… it’s been—”

“Humbling?” Holding his drink close to his muzzle, Shining Armor gazed into the glimmering depths of his wife’s eyes. “It’s all been so humbling, Cadance. I only had ambition to become the Captain of the Guard. That was my horizon. Everything else… everything else that has happened, I…” His words trailed off and he shook his head.

“Neither one of us had any idea what we were getting into, Shiny. You fell in love with me, I fell in love with you, and I think everything we’ve done since is just reacting to things as they happen.”

“Queen Chrysalis.”

“Our marriage.”

“King Sombra.”

“Becoming Emperor and Empress.” Cadance took another drink, more of a swallow this time, and she shuddered from the sour tartness. “Becoming parents… Shiny…”

“Yes?”

“How would you feel about a third?”

“Uh, did you fail a saving throw against unicorn sperm?” he asked. Shivering at the very thought, he failed to make his own saving throw against panic.

“You really are a dork, you know that?”

Shining did not—could not—relax.

“I am only asking, Shiny. Sometimes, I think about it.”

“Cadance, we can barely keep up with the two that we have. If it wasn’t for Sleet and the palace staff… I daresay there’d be grounds for neglect charges.” Feeling ashamed by his own admission, he averted his eyes and took a big gulp from his drink, which left him breathless, gasping for air.

“I know… I know… but I keep having crazy thoughts. I feel like I’ve made mistakes with Flurry and Skyla. Sometimes I tell myself that with a third one, I’d do a better job and maybe get things right.”

“Cadance, honey, if there was a third one, that would only take more time away from Flurry and Skyla. I feel that would be a mistake. We’re stretched thin as it is and—”

“I know, I know,” Cadance huffed, her eyes darkening. For a second, her lips contorted into a pout and she pulled her legs in tighter against her body. “You’re right, of course, and I hate you just a little teeny, tiny bit for being right. Actually, I hate you more than a teeny, tiny bit, because usually I’m the sane voice of reason and you’re the impetuous one and this role reversal stinks.”

Reaching out with one foreleg, Cadance pressed her right hoof against Shining Armor’s chest scruffle and began making slow, clockwise circles. She drank her drink, taking large, desperate gulps, and the sound of her swallowing caused Shining Armor’s ears to prick each time. He found himself in a weird place, a stallion with so many responsibilities, he was the Emperor, but he felt as though he had just done something incredibly grown up, something accomplished and meaningful.

It was a strange place to be.

“Love is so tricky and complicated,” he said to his wife, whispering. “I’d love to have more, but not at the cost of what I already have. I hardly get to spend time with my daughters as it is. There’s only so much of me to go around. Now, I don’t want to badmouth Celestia, Luna, and Gosling, but there is a cautionary tale that could be told about them. There’s not enough hours in the day to keep up with their workload, and they have foals.”

“What a terrible thing to say, Shiny—”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s true. But nonetheless, it is still a terrible thing to say. I worry for those three. At some point, something has to give. You’re right though. We barely manage as it is. If we had another foal, or if our responsibilities increased, or if something changed, we’d be pushed to our breaking point, I think. Things do change, Shiny. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst. Sticking with two is a good idea, for now.”

Her lips—stained scarlet by drink—were mere inches away and he was tempted to kiss them. It occurred to him that this is what love was; the ability to discuss such deep, dangerous topics but still be free to grope and kiss one another at the same time. A dangerous part of him was still tempted, still wanted to seize her and subject her to a saving throw versus unicorn sperm. Another part of him never wanted this moment to end. Still yet a different part of him suggested that having more young would make moments like this one impossible.

“I love you madly,” he breathed while leaning in a little more.

“Love me like an angry yak, Shiny.”

“The things you say, Mon Chéri.”

Cadance giggled, a sound that held the suggestion of eternal youth. Though Cadance had matured from her adolescent years, her body filling out in the most amazing way imaginable, there were parts of her that hadn’t changed at all. Her eyes—and most of all her giggle—would remain forever young. She finished off her drink with one last gulp, and then her glass vanished. Shining Armor did the same, but he needed a second to recover from Celestia’s Massacre.

She vanished his glass and it disappeared with a pop.

Making a bold move, Shining Armor leaned in, allowing all of his weight to come to rest upon Cadance, and he pressed his lips against hers. The sour tartness from the drink lingered upon her lips and her scent—everything about it—overwhelmed him, it inflamed his senses and put him in a mood. Her forelegs slipped around him and then formed a constrictive embrace, while her fuzzy, silken body rubbed against his, generating a crackling electrical excitement.

Her posture shifted when she fell back upon the couch, which left her open to him; she welcomed his advances, and rewarded his boldness with a clear invitation to come a little bit closer. A whole lot closer. Everything about Cadance’s demeanour suggested that she wanted their bodies to overlap in the same space.

And Shining Armor, her beloved servant, was only too happy to oblige her…