Dear Princess Celestia,
I have a question, why is it you want my acquaintances and I to go up to the Crystal Empire just to try and seduce some games inspector to give the Empire what amounts to the pony Olympics? I have much more important things to do with my life such as spa pamperings and attempting to initiate Fluttershy. I suppose since Cadence lives there, my time spent on this worthless endeavor won't be a total waste.
Soon though I would learn that the chances of me getting any alone time with my bootie-call would be zero because she had to get her mane styled by Rarity while I along with the rest of my acquaintances had to go and meet this Ms. Harshwinny at the train station and show her a good time. When I met her, no thanks. She shared way too many characteristics with Pinkie and she wasn't all that attractive. I will admit though, I had no clue what a pony with a chicken on her ass was doing being a games inspector.
Ugh, the damn castle tour was a disaster. Crash thought she had to be in charge despite her not knowing her way around the place. I did get to speak to my brother though and he was not exactly happy. He kept on bitching about how Cadence doesn't want any and all she can talk about is my horn. Good, maybe someday she will divorce him and become my full-time "friend."
After Chicken Ass got herself a good work out, we discovered that we gave our welcome to the wrong pony. Oh well, too bad, so sad, right? I personally didn't care that we likely blew the Empire's chances but Crash seemed overly distraught, and why? She was distraught because she didn't want the Empire to suffer the same heartbreak Cloudsdale did when she was a filly. What a pathetic, sentimental little bitch. I should have figured her weak spot would show up sooner or later.
Eventually we met the real games inspector, Trophy Ass. With as snotty and professional as she seemed, I thought she'd just say, "Fuck this shit, I'm outta here!" What happened instead, Rainbow told her her pathetic sob story about Cloudsdale not getting the games and that along with Chicken Ass telling her about her time there, she wound up giving the Empire the games.
Well shit, here I thought I might get to see Crash cry over this but instead all I got to see her do was celebrate with foals before we left home. I didn't get any bootie-call time with Cadence but when we come up for the games, I will. If by some horrible chance I didn't, I'm sure there will be plenty of hot mares for me to seduce.
Hoping to Seduce Hot Mares at the Games,
Twilight Sparkle
To My Sex Starved Student,
Oh quit your bitching. All I did was send you on a minor mission that didn't even take you all day. It sounds like you had a rather boring time up there, which is what I was hoping for. I am personally very glad that you were unable to get any alone time with Cadence but I do have one question, why the hell didn't you try to score with one of the spa ponies up there? They may not be Aloe and Lotus but I thought you would want to try something a bit more sparkly, I know I would.
You know something? I am so glad that I have peons like you and your acquaintances to take care of shit like this for me. Can you imagine how awful life would be if I had to go and do stuff like this myself? Chances are I would have to settle for sub-par cake and be away from your old friends, which is something that neither them or I would like.
Now regarding next year, I'm sure Cadence and I can convince those spa ponies up there to close up shop and give you several days of non-stop pampering. Now personally I don't think you'd be deserving of it but it would beat hearing you whine about not having got any.
Happy You Didn't Get Any,
Princess Celestia