When Paul woke up, he was in a room that seemed eerily familiar. It was a sterile and fairly colorless room, with a door opposite him and a window behind. There was no furniture besides his bed, which was strangely three beds put together, and a weird looking chair next to it. The only decor was a single oil painting of a bowl of fruit on the wall.
It took him a second, but he finally figured it out. He was in a hospital room again. It was very similar to the one in Ponyville, back when he still thought that it was all a dream. Looking around, he noticed that he wasn’t hooked up to any monitoring equipment like he had been before, so he figured he wasn’t critically injured.
He sat up in his bed and threw the covers off, revealing his lack of pants. He was only wearing his boxers. However, he ignored that for a moment when he saw the medical tape wound tightly around his left calf and the large bandage on his right thigh. Paul lifted each of his legs, noting the slight pain from each wound, then decided to get up and look for his pants.
He swung his legs over the side of the bed, then stopped to let the blood settle as it rushed from his head to the rest of his body. Once he stopped feeling light-headed, he slid off the bed and onto his feet. The floor was cold on his bare feet. He hissed as pain shot up his left leg and his right thigh began to throb lightly.
He ignored the pain in his right leg but favored his left as he walked out of his room into the hallway. Immediately, a nurse caught sight of him and began to scold him.
“You shouldn’t be up and about! Especially not on that leg!” She chided. “You need rest!”
“What I need is my pants,” he responded, ignoring the command to return to bed.
The nurse nodded. “Go to your room and I’ll bring you your pants.”
Paul nodded and complied, heading to his room and laying back down. After a few minutes, the nurse brought his pants, and Paul thanked her. Once she left, he put them on and got up, planning to find his teammates.
However, as he started to walk to the door, it opened, revealing three stallions.
“Iron Shield, Golden Lance, Bronze Mace!” Paul greeted with a smile. He noted that Golden Lance had a bandage on his left shoulder while all three looked very tired as if they hadn’t gotten much sleep since they returned. “How are you three holding up?”
The response was less than stellar. All of the stallions were somber and took a few seconds to respond. Paul’s smile fell.
“General… Paul,” Lance started, voice breaking. “I’m so sorry. Nothing’s okay.”
Iron Shield took over. “The Captain is still bedridden with magical exhaustion, as is Star Glow.”
“Where is Star Shine?” Paul asked. “Those crossbow bolts hit hard.”
Bronze Mace shuffled on his hooves before answering. “Paul… Star Shine is dead. I’m told he passed not long after he arrived at the hospital here. There was nothing we could have done for him.”
Paul staggered back as if he had taken a punch to the gut. He reached out a hand to steady himself on his bed, but he missed and fell to the floor. He didn’t even bother getting up, just lying on the floor in shock.
“He’s gone,” Paul thought. “I couldn’t save him, and now he’s gone.”
“I killed him…” Paul mumbled. “I wasn’t fast enough…”
Iron Shield took a step forward and stomped his hoof loudly on the floor, causing an echo in the room.
“Stop,” he ordered. “There was nothing you could have done. The nurses told me that bolt pierced his lung. Even if he had been shot inside the hospital, they couldn’t have saved him. He immediately began to drown in his own blood. Nothing can change the fact that you did everything you could to save him.”
“Think of all the ponies we did save!” Lance insisted. “Final count is 4,738 that came through the portal. The rest of the army drove out the griffons and rescued the rest of the ponies. We won!”
“Then why does it feel like we lost?” Paul asked from the ground.
“I don’t know,” Bronze Mace responded.
“Because we did,” Paul said, answering his own question. “When we arrived at the warehouse, how many ponies did they kill? And right in front of us, too. We were powerless to stop them. How many soldiers did we lose in retaking Baltimare? In reality, every win has a loss hidden inside it.”
“Even I’ll admit that that’s a pessimistic view on the world,” Iron Shield replied.
“First thing’s first, I’m a realist,” Paul responded idly.
“Now I know that you’ve lost it,” Lance said. “You’re one of the most idealistic people I’ve ever met! This whole pity party proves that. The fact that you believe you could have prevented those deaths is unrealistic.”
Paul remained silent on the ground. “Whatever… Just leave me alone. I’ll be here.”
Iron Shield snorted and turned around to leave. Bronze Mace shook his head sadly and followed. Golden Lance stayed for a second longer and stared at Paul. Then his horn lit up and he lifted Paul into his bed and covered him with his blankets.
Once he settled Paul in, Lance turned around and followed his teammates out of the room.
<<<==>>>
For the next few hours, nopony visited Paul, and for all of that time, Paul lay awake staring at the ceiling, wondering what he could have done better, where he went wrong, how he could have saved everypony. For hours, he ran scenarios in his head, and for hours, the logical parts of his mind caused his scenarios to end the same way every time: in failure.
After a few hours, Paul was still staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out how he could have saved them when the door opened. Paul was so deep within his own mind that he didn’t even notice. He continued to stare at the ceiling until a voice spoke.
“I was told you were not doing well, but I did not expect it to be this bad.”
Paul blinked several times, noting that his eyes were especially dry. He turned his head and saw who had come to visit him.
“Why do you torture yourself like this?” Luna asked.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Paul croaked, trying to hide his brokenness.
“Your tears tell me a different story,” Luna responded softly.
Paul lifted a hand to his face and noted the tear stains down his cheeks. “Is a man not allowed to cry over losing a friend?”
“Of course you are. I would be much more distraught if you did not. I am speaking of how you have been lying here for hours, pretending that you had some way of saving him. Of saving all of them. I think we all know that it’s impossible, so why do you still act as if it was your fault in some way?”
“It was my fault,” Paul whispered, then his voice rose. “Diving behind enemy lines was entirely my idea in the first place. If we hadn’t tried to face half an army with five ponies and a half-baked Jedi, then Star Shine would still be here, and so would another few hundred innocent ponies! It’s entirely my fault!”
“You and I both know that your line of thinking is flawed,” Luna countered “We both know that you were not the one to draw your claws across the throats of those ponies, nor the one to fire that bolt. You cannot lay the blame where it does not rightfully belong, even when you try to lay it on yourself.”
“So then who does the blame fall on? The one that directly took the action? What if they were only forced into taking that action by the actions others took preceding it? The blame falls on the one who made the preceding action.”
“By that logic, blame steps back from you to me and my sister, then to the griffon king for invading us. Before him, some other event likely occurred that forced his decision. The blame never ends. In the end, we must forget where the blame falls, accept the finality of the past, and remember those we’ve lost. That is all we can do.”
Paul smiled for a second. “I didn’t realize you were so philosophical.”
“A thousand years is a long time to think,” Luna replied.
“I’d think so,” Paul responded. For a moment, there was silence between the two. “Thank you.”
Luna looked at Paul. “Hmm?”
“Thanks for visiting me and, well, pulling me from my self-deprecation. I appreciate it.”
Luna nodded. “Of course. You are my friend. I would not leave you to suffer in a time of mourning. Celestia also wishes to visit, but she is currently bound by her duties, and cannot stop by until later.”
Luna looked away for a second, then sighed and looked back to Paul.
“Paul, if you need anything else, either Celestia or I will try to be available. We may have busy schedules, but we can make time for you. Do not hesitate to call on us, even if only for someone to talk to. As old as we are, we know quite a lot about loss and how to cope. We are always ready to lend a listening ear or a word of advice.”
Having said her piece, Luna turned and began to exit the room, but stopped when Paul spoke.
“Luna.”
She looked back around at him to see a grateful smile on his face. “Thanks.”
“You are welcome, Paul,” she responded with a smile.
After Luna left, Paul began to stare at the ceiling again, but this time he was not thinking about failed plans to save everyone, but of his friends. As far as he knew, Shining Armor and Star Glow were still bedridden, while the other three hadn’t gotten any sleep since the attack.
Mind made up, Paul sat up and swung his legs over the side of his bed. He stood and made his way to the door, opening it. He leaned out and glanced around, noting no nurses in sight. He stepped out into the hallway and began to walk to the nearest room, favoring his left leg.
Paul glanced into the room, hoping it would have Shining Armor or Star Glow inside, but it was vacant. He continued to limp down the hallway, checking rooms. After Paul found several vacant rooms, a nurse stepped out of one of the rooms down the hallway. She immediately saw him and began to stalk towards him, knowing that he was out of place.
“Just what are you doing up? Are you trying to reopen that wound?” She asked, pointing at his calf. “You should be resting!”
Paul held firm. “I’m looking for Shining Armor and/or Star Glow. I… I need somepony to talk to.”
The nurse’s glare softened. “Oh… I understand. I’m sorry for your loss. Captain Armor is in that room there.”
Paul followed her outstretched hoof and saw that it was pointed at the room she had just exited.
“Thank you.”
Again, Paul limped forward, this time passing several rooms and coming up on the one that had Shining Armor inside. Standing at the door, Paul glanced in and saw Shining Armor on the bed, reading a book.
*knock knock*
Paul knocked on the door then opened it when he heard Shining respond. When he entered, he saw Shining sit up and salute as best he could from his position in the bed. Paul saluted back, then caught sight of a pony sitting in a chair he couldn’t see from the window.
The pony was pink with a three-tone mane. At first glance, Paul thought she was a unicorn, but when he caught sight of the wings his mind put two and two together and he saluted to her as well.
“I-I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t see you there,” he sputtered.
“It’s quite alright,” she responded kindly. “You’re not on duty right now, and I’m not here as a princess. Please, call me Cadance.”
“It is nice to meet you, Cadance,” Paul greeted. His tone became somber. “I was hoping to… speak with Shining Armor.”
“I understand,” Cadance responded softly, standing up and moving to the door. “Take all the time you need.”
Once the door clicked shut, Paul turned slowly back to Shining Armor. “How are you feeling?”
Shining groaned. “Like I got hit by a train, but the doctor says I should be feeling better tomorrow. How are you holding up?”
Paul sat down on the edge of the bed. “My left leg won’t really take my weight. I guess a crossbow bolt through the muscle will do that.”
“Ouch,” Shining nodded. “That must’ve stung.”
Paul chuckled. “Yeah. Made me buckle and collapse through the portal. Probably got a concussion when I landed. Knocked me out cold.”
“I’d say it was all worth it if we saved all those ponies.”
Paul’s head drooped and he took a shaky breath. “Was it?”
Shining’s ears perked up in confusion. “What do you mean? Of course it was. Imagine what those griffons would have done to them!”
Paul nodded as he tried to hold back tears. “Yeah. I’d do it all again if I had to, I wouldn’t care if I had died. I just wish we could have saved Star Shine. And all those other ponies that got killed right in front of us.”
The tears began to slip past. “If I could go back, I would trade myself for all of them in a heartbeat. They had so much life ahead of them. I don’t even belong here! This isn’t my home. I don’t have a future to look forward to, not like you do. I don’t have anyone else like me. I have no purpose here.”
Shining shook his head sadly. “Paul, we’ve been down this road. You questioned yourself the exact same way when we found out Baltimare had been taken. You caught yourself up in the what ifs and let it consume you. I had to drag you out last time, and Celestia help me, I’ll do it again.
“There is nothing you could have done to save any of them.” Shining continued. “Even if there was, there’s absolutely zero use in worrying about it now. No amount of worrying will change the past, no matter how hard you try.”
Paul nodded solemnly. “I know. Rationally, I know that. But my emotions tell me that there must be something I could have done. I’m drowning in grief. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
“You blame yourself.” It wasn’t a question.
Paul nodded again. “It was my idea, they were my orders, Diathor is my creation. All of it leads back to me. No matter where you try to cast the blame, it all points back to me. I feel like–” Paul’s voice broke. “–I feel like the universe is out to get me; like everything is being rigged against me to break me.”
“Paul, that’s ridiculous. Whatever’s up there, I doubt it’s targeting you. I don’t know what brought you here, but I’m glad it did. I’ve never connected with anypony as quickly as I did with you. As soon as I met you, there was something about your demeanor and the way you hold yourself that seemed so… genuine. It’s not really something you see in Canterlot.”
Paul slumped a little bit. “When is his funeral?” He asked, changing the topic.
“Tomorrow,” Shining answered. “They were waiting for you to wake up. They consider him a hero, you know. They’re calling us all heroes, actually.”
“If only we all agreed on that,” Paul responded sullenly. He stood up and went to leave. “I will see you tomorrow at Star Shine’s funeral.”
As Paul closed the door, he heard Shining mutter quietly.
“Yeah, if only…”
<<<==>>>
The next day, Paul was woken up in the mid-morning to try on his dress uniform for the funeral service later that day. He put it on with some assistance from one of his nurses, and the tailor was satisfied that the uniform fit him well enough.
Even though the funeral wasn’t until the afternoon, Paul chose to remain in full dress, not wanting to bother taking it off to put it back on again later. He had a small breakfast in his hospital bed, then informed his nurse that he needed to take a walk to clear his head.
He stood from his bed with some effort and began to roam the hospital. Not that he cared, but he noticed his nurse trailing several meters behind him at all times. He wandered up and down the hallways for about an hour before he shook his head and snorted. His pacing wasn’t solving anything.
He turned to the nurse that had been following him. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”
Without waiting for a response, he turned on his good heel and strode for the main entrance of the hospital. He didn’t bother heeding any protests he received along the way as his long and purposeful strides carried him quickly past all of the ponies between him and the door.
He exited the building without so much as a passing glance at all the ponies telling him to stop. Once he was on the street, it didn’t take a second to orient himself and make his way to his destination. He strode through the crowds of ponies without sparing a single thought to them.
Eventually, he noticed that the cries of his nurses ended. He continued through the streets of Canterlot, the city on the mountain, until he reached his destination. He needed somewhere he could think clearly, without the noise crowding out his thoughts, and without the weight of the lifeforce of each pony around him bearing down on his mind.
He found a secluded place, at the edge of the city, where no ponies lived. The solitude it provided allowed him to breathe easily again, and he felt his heart rate slow to a steadier tempo. He slowly moved forward to the edge of the precipice, looking down over the edge at a drop of at least several hundred feet.
Without any apparent concern for the dangers it could represent to him, Paul sat down on the edge of the city, hanging his legs over the side and swinging them like he was a kid again. The view he had was astounding, he could see where the mountainous stone turned to rolling foothills, then to forests. He could see all the towns and villages sheltered within those forests. He saw where the forests turned to grasslands, and eventually to deserts at the furthest edge of the horizon.
It was beautiful, but that wasn’t why Paul was there.
Paul made his way to the edge of the city to get space — to think. And so, Paul sat on the edge of the city on the mountain, and he thought. He thought about life, death, why he felt so terrible, how easy it would be to solve it all right there, and many other things. He sat there for hours, just thinking.
Eventually, the sun peaked out from behind the mountain at Paul’s back, which made him realize the time. With a less somber attitude and a bit more purpose than before, Paul got up and made his way back to the hospital.
The moved through the crowds superfluously, as if he hadn’t even noticed them, quickly arriving back at the hospital. The moment he stepped inside, he was surrounded by nurses and doctors, chastising him for running off as he did. He ignored them and continued walking straight past them, heading for Shining Armor’s room.
Once he arrived, he knocked twice on the door.
“Come in,” came the reply.
Paul opened the door and entered the room, seeing Shining Armor already in his dress uniform as well.
“Shining,” Paul greeted.
The unicorn nodded in return. “Paul. You seem… better than last night when you left.”
“Yeah, I… took a walk, found somewhere quiet, spent a few hours thinking things over. In the end, I came out better than before, but… well, I just say that the cliff looked pretty appealing at one point.” Paul paused for a moment. “But like I said, I’m in a better place now than I was then. I’m glad I didn’t entertain it for long; I couldn’t imagine what that would do to you guys.”
Shining stood in silence for a moment, then silently walked up to Paul and reared back on his hind legs, wrapping his forelegs around Paul’s shoulders. Neither male said a word as Paul returned the embrace, they just stood there in silence, glad to have each other’s company. After a few moments, they parted.
“Come on,” Shining said. “We need to get going.”
Paul nodded. “Yeah, let’s give our friend his proper respects.”
<<<==>>>
The service was smaller than Paul expected. His little unit, the Stars’ parents, a couple ponies Paul didn’t recognize, and the Princesses.
Star Glow, Iron Shield, Golden Lance, and Bronze Mace carried the casket to the grave, while Paul and Shining Armor stood to the side saluting next to the unicorn officers that took the casket in their magic and lowered it into the grave.
One of the ponies Paul didn’t recognize walked up next to the grave and began to speak.
“Hi, most of us don’t know each other, but if you’re here, then it’s clear you were impacted by Star Shine in some way,” the green unicorn started. “I didn’t really know him that long, but for the few years I did know him, he was a constant pillar of strength. No matter what craziness he faced every day in Ponyville, he would take it on without batting an eye.
“I remember once when he and Star Glow were patrolling the town and suddenly Spike the Dragon suddenly appears out of nowhere and he’s half the size of a mountain. Star Shine just glanced at Star Glow and they casually began to guide ponies inside their houses like it was no big deal.”
The pony blinked a few times and rubbed the tears from her eyes. “I’m sorry, that’s all I have to say. I just hope you all remember to keep his memory in your thoughts and your hearts, so that he is never forgotten.”
With that, the pony trotted away, leaving the service entirely. Almost as soon as she was gone, Star Glow stepped up to take her place, but he didn’t address the crowd. He faced the grave the entire time as if he was going to have a conversation with his brother.
“Star Shine…” he began. “I don’t even know where to start… just… why? Why did you have to leave us? Why did you leave me? Every time I try to do anything, I turn to ask you something then the realization hits me, and it’s like you’ve died all over again.
“Your death is… it’s like the air, it’s everywhere, it’s with me, no matter what I do. I’m constantly breathing it in and out, always reminded of you; of what happened. I can’t do anything without thinking about you. It’s almost like I’ve lost a leg, or my horn… I’ve just felt so… incomplete since you’ve been gone.” Star Glow fell to his knees. “I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so lost. We’ve always done everything together, and now that you’re gone, I feel aimless. It feels like half of me died with you, and the rest of me is trying to compensate, but…”
Star Glow trailed off into silence, and Paul walked up to comfort him. He placed a reassuring hand on Glow’s withers and patted him. Glow gave an appreciative look and stood to his hooves, moving off to the side to stand with the rest of the unit.
“I didn’t know Star Shine for very long,” Paul began, “but he made a profound impact on my life in that short amount of time. I’ll be the first to admit that being up here right now is hard... This intense feeling of grief is just awful, and a wise man from my home once said something so very profound about it. He said, ‘no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.’
“It’s not an easy correlation to make, but just think about it. Grief gives you the same fluttering in your gut, the same restlessness, you’re always on edge, like something might be about to happen—but it never does. I never really understood what he meant, I didn’t get the correlation. But now, I’m sad to say that I misunderstand a little less than before. This whole experience of losing Star Shine… Star Glow said it well: it’s like a part of us is missing, like an amputation.
“I’ll be honest; this sucks, it just sucks. This stallion, we all cared about him in some form or fashion, and now he’s gone. This grief we feel is the cousin of fear, more closely related than I had realized. So it would be remiss of me not to to say this: the next time we see those griffons, we will not have this same feeling within us; we will hold no semblance of fear or grief, but instead a cold rage for our friend, and they won’t even know what hit them.”
Paul didn’t stick around long enough to see if anypony went up to speak after him; he left the service, his long strides carrying him quickly out of the cemetery and towards the castle. Paul’s last statement was not a threat, it was a promise, and he intended to make good on that promise.
That meant procuring a few items first.