Dear Princess Celestia,
Ok, once again you have decided to troll me and I am not one bit pleased. You had me terrified that you were going to give me some sort of exam that if I flunked that you would send me back to magic kindergarten, banish me to the moon or force me to be Rarity's full time fashion model. My first thought was, "Fuck this shit, I'll just move into the spa and become Aloe and Lotus's full time sex slave."
So the Crystal Empire has returned and you decided to send my brother along with my weekend bootie-call up there? That right there is proof that you are a trolling bitch. Yes the spa twins are great but screwing my sister-in-law and making my brother envious is so much more satisfying.
Now here I was supposed to go and save that place and take my acquaintances to help. At that moment, I knew it was going to be a disaster. I'll admit, had you not sent my bootie call up there to watch over that place, I would not have cared. Want to know why? I wouldn't have cared because those crystal ponies are nothing more than glorified earth ponies that sparkle when they're happy. Had they been unicorns, I would have wanted to put everything I could into saving their flanks.
So King Sombra has returned to enslave these hacks, so what? Once I got a good look at them I kind of wondered why he would even want them as slaves. What would he have them do, hold axes in their mouths and dig for coal or something? That is proof that he wasn't that bright of a villain, at least Grogar kidnapped the unicorns from Dream Valley. Now he was smart, he knew that unicorns were the only race capable of getting anything done in a timely manner.
Once I found out that my task would be to find the crystal heart and get it to Cadence, I wasn't overly thrilled. I would have much rather ate something with a crystal heart on it and made it beg for mercy. Unfortunately, my weekend bootie-call was draining herself of her magic just to keep these pathetic ponies from becoming slaves to a puff of smoke with a head.
One thing I did learn though is that using dark magic can be quite fun! I opened a door into a deep bowel in the castle and then saw you throwing me out of your school. Sweet, I was thinking that finally I could get away from you, leave that backwards place you banished me to and perhaps explore Equestria and start seducing the hottest mares in the country. Now that would have been lots of fun! What a shame it wound up only being a vision thanks to Sombra's magic.
Now I don't know if Sombra liked playing with Slinkies or what but he had an obsession with stairs and thanks to my superior magic, I was able to get Spike and I up to retrieve the heart. When I saw that thing I was honestly thinking of simply taking it back home with me and selling it. I'm sure I could have got a ton of money for that thing but I figured that if I wanted to keep Cadence as a bootie-call, I had best take it to her. What a shame, I could have used the point of that thing to give not only her, but myself more pleasure than we could ever dream of.
Of course then I got stuck in that tower when I tried to get that heart but then the worst possible thing happened. I told Spike to take the heart to Cadence but I did not tell him that he could take all the credit and glory for saving that damn place. I have a bad feeling that Spike will fall prey to a massive ego boost once those crystal ponies wind up discovering it was him who took Cadence the heart.
Now I am going to admit that I feel a bit bad for Sombra, not only did he fail to enslave an inferior group of ponies and only got to spend ten or so seconds in pony form, but this crap known as GAK got more airtime than him. What that shit is exactly I'm not sure of but whatever it is, it will likely be the next villain that you will make my acquaintances and I deal with.
You want to know what pisses me off? You decided to be a true bitch and gave Spike his own stained glass window. What the actual fuck? Look, had I not gone up there and missed out on spa time, he would not have been there to save their asses. You need to get your priorities straight and realize who the real hero is, ME! It wasn't my fault that I didn't know I'd get stuck in the tower!
Ugh, now everypony that visits your castle will think he is the greatest thing since sliced cake. I just hope the hell those crystal ponies never erect some sort of monument dedicated to him. If they do, his level of narcissism will probably either rival or surpass Crash's and I certainly don't want to have to live with that.
Suddenly Having to Put Up With a Narcissistic Dragon,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Celestia,
I just wanted to let you know that I threw my wife for a touchdown and we wound up beating King Sombra 7-0. I know my sister was cheering for Sombra but oh well, she'll get over it. She got over Chrysalis's defeat, Discord's defeat and Nightmare Moon's defeat. I can only hope that these villains she cheers for all the time don't wind up winning.
Sincerely,
Prince Shining Armor
Dear Spike,
We thought that since you saved us, that we will erect some sort of monument to celebrate your saving us. Next time you and Twilight are up here, we'll make sure you are treated like royalty while we will simply treat her like some inferior species, like a mule.
Thanking You For Saving Us,
The Crystal Ponies
To My Narcissistic Dragon Owning Student,
Guess what, you FAILED your test! I should have known that a lowly little grub like you couldn't pass even the most simple of tests. Thank goodness you had Spike up there with you to save your flank like he always does or I would not have been a happy camper and you would have lost your weekend bootie-call.
However, I have decided to let you continue your studies because I simply couldn't bear the thoughts of taking you away from those acquaintances you can barely tolerate and I certainly don't want to reward them for being just as big of failures as you by taking you away from them. Maybe someday they will do something worthy of me purging you from their lives but I'm not going to count on it.
Yes, Spike is quite the hero isn't he? It is odd really, I give you a test but he is the one who passes it. Now I would let him come home and be free of being your slave but if I did that, harassing you would be much less efficient and I certainly don't want that. Feel free to tell him that too, let him know that despite saving the Crystal Empire, that he is still undeserving of being freed from slavery.
I do want to let you in on a secret, since you failed that exam and your acquaintances didn't do any better, my sister and I are already making plans on how to make your lives even worse, very fun plans.
Your Disappointed Teacher,
Princess Celestia
P.S. I couldn't help but notice that Rarity put her hoof over yours as the train was pulling out of Canterlot. You will have to let me know if you either initiated her or if she simply threw herself out to you. Be sure to share with me the raunchiest, kinkiest moments of your encounter. Now if you fail to get her in bed, I will be more disappointed than I already am.
To Prince Shining Armor,
Actually you only won 6-0. I never saw you kick the extra point in your victory. Now I would advise you quit throwing Cadence around like she is a football though because I'm sure if she got injured, Twilight would be very upset about you injuring her weekly bootie-call and I certainly don't feel like listening to her bitch about it in her letters to me.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Crystal Ponies,
Sweet! I do hope that you treat Twilight like the insignificant commoner that she is next time we come up there.
Sincerely,
Spike
P.S. Please do erect a statue or monument glorifying me. It is always so fun to see Twilight get agitated over nopony ever caring about her.