It was the night before Christmas, wait, wrong holiday. It was the night before Halloween, no, they call it Nightmare Night. It was the night before Nightmare Night, actually, this happens in the daytime. It was the day before Nightmare Night, this year was just like the others. Foals all around Ponyville were getting their costumes, excited to get a bunch of candy and then leave most of it at a statute for animals to eat because of some stupid tradition. But there were three filles that were not so excited.
Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were all in the tree library in the middle of Ponyville, arguing about something stupid, probably. Diamon Tiara and Silver Spoon would be there to make fun of them, but they’re too busy being rich.
“Gosh dammit Applebloom, why’d you have to make that bet with Diamond Tiara? You know she’s just going to ask her dad to buy her a bunch of candy and then brag about it, you stupid looking farm pony!”
Applebloom looked genuinely offended, which then turned to anger.
“Oh yeah? Well...shut up you chicken!”
Scootaloo reeled back as if she’d been struck, tears at the corners of her eyes. Sweetie Belle watched in amusement, eating a bucket of popcorn as she watched.
“This book useless, YEET!”
Pinkie Pie threw an old looking book across the library, it hit the wall and exploded as pieces of paper from the book landed on the ground, going everywhere. Twilight facehoofed, hard.
“What the fuck is wrong with the ponies in this town?”
Twilight said as Pinkie jumped out one of the nearby windows, somehow remaining unscathed.
“YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD!”
Scootaloo yelled at Applebloom, causing her to flinch back, both ignoring what had just happened, but Applebloom had one more.
“Hey Scootaloo! What’s the difference between you and a bird? A bird knows how to use its wings!”
Scootaloo ran out of the library, unable to handle anymore of Applebloom’s steaming hot roast. But Applebloom ran after her.
“Come back here you orange disgrace of a pegasus, I’m not done with you!”
Sweetie Belle looked at the scene before her, throwing the empty bucket of popcorn behind her out the broken window, hitting some passerby and knocking him out cold.
“Should have stayed in Canterlot, ‘Magic of Friendship’ my ass.”
Twilight mumbled to herself as she rubbed her temples with her hooves somehow, her eyes closed as she felt an oncoming migraine. Sweetie Belle looked on the floor in front of her, seeing some of the pages with pretty pictures, which she took and ran out of the library.
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Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were in the kitchen of Sugarcube Corner, having somehow convinced Pinkie to let them make it.
“So, why am I making this candy again?”
Scootaloo asked as she stirred the oversized cauldron with an oversized spoon.
“Well, since Diamond Tiara is going to be a cheating bitch and buy a bunch of candy. I figured with recipes from these pieces of paper I totally didn’t steal, we could make a bunch of candy that taste like shit. So when we give it to her, she’s stuck eating terrible candy! And since your cooking is fucking horrific, but can still make it pass as candy, you should cook. Also because you’re too stupid to read, so I have to read the recipes to you.”
“My cooking isn’t that bad...” Scootaloo mumbled as she continued stirring the candy, which looked like rainbows turned into mashed potatoes. Suddenly, there was a flash of lavender magic as Twilight teleported into the kitchen, an angry look on her face as her horn pulsed with magic.
“Did you little shits steal from me?!”
Sweetie Belle looked her in the eyes, her face showing no emotions.
“No.”
“Oh, okay then.”
There was another flash of magic as Twilight teleported somewhere else, a few minutes passed as Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle made candy. Then, suddenly, Pinkie walked into the kitchen. She looked first at the pieces of paper, then the cauldron full of what was now candy, and finally she looked at the two filles making it.
“You know you guys have to pay for the ingredients you used, right?”
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked at eachother for a moment, then they ran out the back door, never to be seen again for the rest of this story.
“Well fuck, might as well sample what they made.”
Pinkie walked forward and double dipped her hoof in the cauldron, taking a lick of it. Her face then scrunched up like she just had too many warheads.
“Eww! This shit nasty, what kind of candy is this? The creatures in The Everfree Forest will love this though.”
Pinkie pulled a huge bag out of her mane, wrapped it around the cauldron, and turned it upside down, dumping all of the candy inside. She then unnecessarily jumped out the window, and began prancing towards The Everfree Forest.
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Pinkie Pie stood in front of the Nightmare Moon statue in The Everfree Forest, dumping the candy on the ground in front of it. She tossed the bag into the forest, landing on some random animals head, causing it to run around with a bag on its head and scaring the other animals.
Pinkie turned around and began to walk back home, feeling pissed and determined to find those two fillies and give them a stern talking to.
“Cotton candy mane looking headass.”
Pinkie Pie heard from the statue behind her, causing her to swiftly turn around, an angry look on her face as she snorted. A figure stood where the statue was, which had somehow crumbled to pieces around the figure. It was a mare made of candy, her swirled eyes looking at Pinkie Pie with a smug smile. Her long orange and black tongue hanging out of her mouth as her long licorice hair hung from the sides of her face.
“You talking to me? Cause I fucking hope your gender bent ponified King Kandy looking bitch ass ain’t talking to me!”
Pinkie stomped up to figure, poking it in the chest with her hoof. Its face dropped into a frown, processing what was just said. Then her smile returned, as she advanced onto the pink pony, pushing her back.
“Shut up! You look like the ponified version of Princess Bubblegum from Adventure Time!”
Pinkie Pie tensed up, as The Candy Mare seemed to get slightly bigger. But Pinkie wasn’t done, not yet.
“Did Willy Wonka make you? Or are some some ugly ass amalgamation of rejected candy?”
“You know what? I’m about to say it.”
“Oh yeah? Say it bitch!”
“Your parties suck.”
Pinkie had to step back, stifling a sob. The Candy Mare grew again, she was now slightly taller than Pinkie, her smile only stretched with her.
“You know what candy bitch? I’m about to say it.”
“Oh yeah? Step up!”
“I don’t care that your foalhood sucked.”
The candy mare pulled back, almost not believing what her ice cream cone ears had just heard. This time, instead of a smile, her face etched into one of pure rage. It was time, she could feel the burning in the back of her throat, she hadn’t intended to use this so soon, but she could tell this pony was a master in the arts of roasting.
“YOU’RE MOM OF GAY!”
She screamed at the top of her peppermint striped lungs, heat irradiating from her mouth. The temperature in the area began to rise, everything was getting hotter. Pinkie couldn’t handle the shockwave that came from The Candy Mare, she was knocked off her hooves and into a tree, landing on the ground.
“So, it’s come to this, has it?”
Pinkie said, pulling a pair of sunglasses from her mane. She quickly got up, already feeling her throat burning from what she was about to say. She ran to The Candy Mare, staring at her dead in the eyes, ignoring the rising heat around her. She pulled a white glove from her mane, slapping The Candy Mare across the face with it. The Candy Mare looked surprised, but that didn’t hurt nearly as much as what came next.
“YOUR DADDY LESBIAN!”
Pinkie Pie’s mouth burned strongly, the temperature rising even further, the grass around them began to burn. The Candy Mare was pushed back, leaving a trail of dirt in her path. But she did not fall over, she trotted back up to this pink menace, determined to win.
“YOUR GRANNY’S A TRANNY.”
Pinkie Pie could see the fire coming from The Candy Mare’s mouth, as she felt the heat on her body, her coat singing. The trees around them had erupted into flames, the fire quickly spreading.
“YOUR SISTER’S A MISTER!”
There was no more grass around them, just a charred ground as it had been burned away, the fire spread through the entire forest, the first trees were already nothing but ash. Smoke and fire erupted from Pinkie’s mouth, all she could taste was the burning. Pieces of candy burned off The Candy Mare, but her smile never left. She has one last retort, her final trump card.
“YOUR FAMILY TREE LGBT!”
Pinkie Pie’s hair deflated, her cool sunglasses were knocked back as her mane and coat were slowly turning black. She could barely breath, both from the smoke coming from the forest, and the fire in her lungs. The Candy Mare had grown exponentially, she was now slightly larger than Celestia, and was still growing. At this rate, she would reach Tirek’s size.
The animals of the forest were fleeing from their burning homes, even the Timberwolves and Manticores were getting as far as they could. They needed to get as far as possible, to escape the fire licking at them. But this battle was not over, Pinkie was not done. She looked up at The Candy Mare, a cocky and nervous smile forming on her face. She could feel the unbearable burning in her entire body, who knows what this would do to her. But she had to win, she had to use it, her ace in the hole.
“NO U!”
There was a massive explosion that came from Pinkie, erupting the entire forest in flames. The Candy Mare didn’t stand a chance, being so close to Pinkie, she was quickly burned and charred to a crisp. Leaving nothing but small pieces of completely destroyed candy, far too little for her to come back. And even if she did, she’d be too weak. Like the flora and fauna of The Everfree Forest, she’d smother or burn, then die.
Ponyville suffered an extreme drought for weeks, but heavy rain soon came, and everything returned to normal. Celestia, who had been having tea with Luna, felt the heat from the explosion, as did many ponies of Canterlot, lots of complaints were filed that day. She turned to the source of the explosion, but saw only a massive crater with a charred black ground around it, the fire slowly dying down. But there was one object left, a large tree with windows that functioned as Fluttershy’s home, which was covered in ash, but had somehow remained fine and not catch on fire.
Fluttershy, in response to the explosion, opened her door, causing some of the ash to fall on her, covering her in it. She wiped her eyes with her hoof, looked at what remained of The Everfree Forest, and the dozens of animals without a home. “Fucking hate Nightmare Night.” She said, then shut the door, and went to take a bath and a nap, they could wait until she was done.
“Sister! It seems something has happened in Ponyville! We shou-“
“Shut the fuck up you useless bitch. Ponyville is Twilight’s problem, I’ll deal with it if she can’t. If she does, I’ll congratulate her and say I had it planned and knew she could do it, then make her write some stupid letter.”
Celestia took a sip of her tea, ignoring Luna, who hadn’t touched hers, who was now slumped over in her chair sobbing. She then ran out crying, mumbling something about ‘revenge’ and ‘wishing she had stayed on the moon’. She then took another sip.
“Queen of the night? More like, queen of drama.”
Pinkie had survived, the knockback from her atomic roast sent her flying for miles. The only thing stopping her was a pegasus that was minding his own business, he had recently woke up from someone hitting him in the head with a popcorn bucket. He was knocked out again by a flying black earth pony hitting him head on, causing them to crash land.
Pinkie’s coat and mane were completely burned off, and she was also covered in ash. But, Pinkie being Pinkie, she was totally fine. She slowly lifted up her head, looking at what she did to The Everfree Forest, but more imporantly, how she beat The Candy Mare.
“Pussy.”
She said with smoke coming out of her mouth, almost the entire inside of her mouth was charred black, and then she passed out. Pinkamena Diane Pie, singlehandedly, or is it singlehoofidly? Saved Equestria. But there was a price for what Pinkie had done, she will never be able to taste again. No amount of time or magic can heal what such a reputation destroying roast did, except for Discord, but he enjoys the irony too much for that.
The good news is, she’ll never have to taste Scootaloo’s shitty cooking again.