Heart of Light

by TheCrimsonDM

Chapter Four: Shared Darkness

Valiant sat in the living room, her heart aching from the conversation she was about to have with her mom. Meanwhile Maud was sitting on the couch opposite of hers and gave her a blank stare that even Valiant couldn’t interpret. Several minutes went by without the two talking to one another, and Valiant was losing her courage.

“Val, what’s the matter?” Maud asked gently.

Valiant closed her eye and lowered her head. “There’s a class that I don’t want to go to.”

“What class?”

“Sex ed…”

Maud’s eyes raised ever so slightly, an indication that she was surprised. “Already?”

“I don’t want to go.”

Maud nodded. “I won’t make you.”

“I already know all the stuff they would even teach… plus some.”

“I... know.”

“I don’t even want to think about it, but now I can’t stop.”

Maud moved off her couch and walked around the table until she was next to Valiant. Her muscular legs wrapped around her, gently bringing Valiant into a tender embrace. “I’m sorry.”

“I hate my life,” Valiant said as she buried her face into Maud’s chest.

“Shhh, you have all three of us. We’re here for you.”

“Why does this have to be a freaking class in school?” Valiant’s heart sped up as the emotional pain cut deeply into her soul. Mental stitches were coming loose and she felt like she was bleeding out. “I didn’t think it would still hurt this bad. Doctor Timequill told me that it would get easier overtime, well it’s not easier!”

Maud’s embrace tightened. “Hush.”

“No! I won’t hush! I don’t want to talk to ponies, I don’t want to see ponies, I don’t want to be a pony! Why did bad things have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? I was just a filly, a Celestia damned foal!”

One of Maud’s hooves began stroking the back of Valiant’s hair. “I know. It wasn’t fair.”

“The worst part is that you two were late!” Valiant pushed away, for a moment she couldn’t move anywhere because Maud was much stronger than her. So Valiant pushed harder. When Maud let go Valiant fell back and rolled off the couch. “You two were supposed to save me! Trixie was supposed to save me! But you came too late!” Valiant rubbed at her eye, tears were blurring her vision. She felt her other eye watering up as well and so she removed the eye patch and threw it to the ground. The damaged milky pink eye burned as it joined the other one in glaring at Maud.

It was in that moment, when her broken eye laid upon Maud that Valiant’s heart nearly stopped. Maud’s face was pale, her lips trembling, and with the power of Valiant’s other eye she could see the gaping wound left in Maud’s heart growing wider. Cracks grew over Maud’s body as though she was made of stone. The sight was too hard to stare at and Valiant was forced to close her broken eye. Maud was still in noticeable pain but the cracks and wounds vanished.

“I’m sorry,” Maud apologized, her tone was more than hurt, it was broken.

Valiant looked away, choosing instead to focus on a portrait of her when she first came to this house standing next to Trixie and Maud. There were still bandages over her leg and face from where she was nearly beaten to death. The look that Valiant gave the camera was that of death, then again, she had died inside. If it wasn’t for Trixie and Maud, even if she had somehow escaped her attackers, she never would have recovered. Valiant owed her entire world to these two.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Valiant apologized. The pain in her chest was quickly numbing over. “I’ll understand if you want to ground me. I’ll… go to my room now.”

Maud moved her lips but nothing came out. A gray hoof rubbed across her eyes. The usual stillness that Maud embodied was shattered by a slight shaking that Valiant had never seen before. It was like watching a stone monument collapsing before one’s very eyes. And it was all Valiant’s fault.

“Please don’t be sad,” Valiant begged. She reached out with a hoof but withdrew before touching Maud. She was scared to do so. Scared that she might break her mom more than she already had.

“It’s true,” Maud said in a voice so quiet that Valiant nearly missed it.

“W-what’s true?”

“We should have been there sooner. We were too late and you suffered. We’re just as responsible for what happened to you as those damned monsters that had you.”

Valiant was shaking now. She shook her head trying to lose the fear that now afflicted her as much as the pain or the numbness. “No, it wasn’t. I’d be dead without you two. It’s not your fault.”

“Yes it is. I’ve known it for years, and I’ve tried to help you. I really have, but all I do is mess up. I’m not fit to be a mother.”

A quiet voice whispered in the back of Valiant’s mind, an old voice that she generally pretended not to hear. “Give her a hug, and ask to cuddle her.”

Valiant was scared of touching Maud, but she recognized the fact that the voice had never once steered her wrong. She swallowed her pain and self doubt just long enough to reach out and wrap her tiny legs around Maud’s waist. Her voice came out as tiny as Maud’s and just as broken when she asked, “C-can I sleep with you tonight?”

Maud sucked in a sharp, painful breath as she wrapped her legs around Valiant Heart. “Really?”

“Yes.”

Maud kissed the top of Valiant’s head. “I’d like that. Could you ever forgive me?”

“There’s nothing to forgive, but… I will anyway.”

Maud’s embrace tightened. “You can sleep with me and Trixie all you’d like. You’re our first child and we’ll always love you.”

The painful wounds of Valiant’s soul were soothed by Maud’s loving words. It might not be enough to fix her, but it was more than enough to help steady her. Valiant sunk into Maud’s fur, ignored the scent of dirt and found herself at peace. Her mother was always there for her, and that security was a blessing that Valiant was going to make sure never to forget again.

The sun had set and the moon had risen over the sleepy town of Ponyville. Rarity’s boutique was less than quiet though as six ponies had gathered about for a birthday party in celebration of the unicorn. Twilight was enjoying her time there, more so because the children had all been stuck with various babysitters, most of them at Sweet Apple Acers.

Pinkie Pie was guzzling alcohol like nopony’s business and Rainbow Dash wasn’t far behind her. Applejack was speaking with Fluttershy and Rarity about their kids and the various difficulties that went into raising them. Twilight politely excused herself from that dreaded conversation, not due to lack of interest, but due to a deeper much more personal reason. One that she choose not to think about as much as she could.

Instead she found a quiet corner to sit in and watch her friends enjoying the party. Rarity’s thirty- twenty ninth birthday party was going pretty well. They managed to get everypony together again, get the kids taken care of with babysitters, and had plenty of time and space to simply enjoy themselves. It was a night that Twilight would remember for a long time.

It was some time before everypony got together at the kitchen table, and Pinkie Pie walked off with a bounce in her step. Twilight sat next to Rarity hoping to find a buffer from thinking about any of her own personal problems. Of course Rarity did very well in this regard as she began talking to Twilight almost right away.

“My goodness, this party has been quite the bash so far,” Rarity said joyfully. “When Pinkie and Rainbow began dancing I thought my sides would surely split from all the laughter.”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, it was pretty funny.”

“Darling, may I ask you something?” Rarity asked.

A heavy feeling pressed against Twilight’s heart. “Sure, go ahead.”

“I noticed that you haven’t been joining in the festivities this evening. I was hoping you’d get up and dance alongside Pinkie like you always do… is something the matter?”

Twilight shook her head. “I’m just tired. Please don’t be troubled by me.”

Rarity stared at her for a long time in near complete silence. The buffer wasn’t working as her thoughts continued to pain her. It was clear that Rarity wasn’t buying what Twilight was selling, but with the sound of Pinkie singing to herself coming in from the hall behind them Twilight hoped that the birthday filly would soon forget it.

Pinkie Pie walked in, a giant triple layered cake covered in white and purple frosting laid on her back. Pinkie Pie bounced in the air, sending the cake up past her and landing perfectly on the table. Upon closer inspection there were little sprinkles throughout the cake that looked like little diamonds, and a few actual gems on the top layer made it clear who that was being saved for. The last thing that Twilight noticed was the candles on top of the cake, there were a lot of them.

Rarity’s eyes squinted at the candle, and her mouth slowly worked soundlessly. It took a second but Twilight saw Rarity’s lips forming numbers. She was counting the candles on the cake. Twilight did the same, only much faster, and her eyes widened as she realized how many candles were on the cake.

Rarity’s eyes narrowed as she glared daggers at Pinkie. “Thirty one. There are thirty one candles on this cake.”

Pinkie Pie grinned. “No there are twenty nine, and two. The two blue candles represent that it’s the second twenty ninth birthday you’ve had.”

“I am not thirty!” Rarity snapped. She rose from her seat and slammed her hooves on the table. “Why in Equestria would you even think that this was acceptable?”

“Uh because we all know that you’re only pretending to be twenty nine. We celebrated you turning twenty nine last year,” Pinkie Pie said flatly. “Come on, you’re thirty years old, embrace the old age, give your aging self a hug, soon you’ll look like Granny Smith and you-“

“PINKIMENA DIAN PIE!” Rarity shouted, her eyes took on a sinister glow, smoke snorted from her nostrils. “I don’t want to be thirty. Even with my draconic… gifts, I won’t live forever. Unlike Twilight here I will actually die at some point. She’ll live when all of us are gone, me, you, even when her family all dies she will be alive. I don’t get that luxury.”

Silence filled the room. A lump formed in the back of Twilight’s throat, and she tried to push it down. It took every ounce of power she had to keep that lump there, to keep the small sound that was steadily rising in the back of her throat from boiling over, and to stave the tears back. She couldn’t make eye contact with anypony, and none could make it with her. This was a topic she rarely thought about, and even worse one that she didn’t ever talk about. Not even with Luna.

Applejack cleared her throat. “Now, we don’t know that fer certain. Just ‘cus Twilight’s an alicorn doesn’t make her immortal.”

Nervous smiles grew on everyponies lips as they all looked toward Twilight. Rarity however didn’t share the smile, she looked sad. Carefully Rarity bit her lower lip before saying, “I’m sorry, Twilight. I… I didn’t mean it. I suppose I might be jealous of your… alicornhood.”

“We all are a little jealous,” Pinkie Pie said. “Even Rainbow Dash, though she’d never admit it.”

“Actually,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’m super jealous. Could have avoided having so many kids if I was an alicorn.”

Twilight choked. No, please no, don’t say it out loud. Don’t make it real.

“W-whatever do you mean?” Rarity asked.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “I found out from Luna that alicorns pretty much can’t have kids. After a thousand years of trying Celestia managed to have, what, three, four kids? Most of them normal unicorns that ended up dying of old age on her. I could have had like infinite sex if I was an alicorn.”

With very slow movements Twilight pushed away from the table and rose to all fours. Her voice cracked as she spoke. “I, I need to use the restroom.” Twilight turned away, intent on going into the restroom and teleporting home. Her heart was shattering, her very soul was coming undone. Years of lying, of hiding truths from herself were all coming back to haunt her. She got five steps into walking away before the pain became too much and she did what she so rarely ever did. Her legs collapsed underneath her as uncontrollable sobs escaped her.

Rarity was the first one to her side. A warm leg wrapped over Twilight’s back. “Shh, let it all out. I am so sorry. Here I was being selfish about my twenty… my thirtieth birthday, and you have been suffering all this time. I am so sorry.”

Pinkie Pie was next. “Hey, it’ll be alright. It’s not like it’s impossible to have kids. I mean Celestia’s done it.”

Fluttershy followed after that. “We’re all here for you, Twilight.”

Applejack came around to Rarity’s side. “Come on sugarcube, we’re all family here. You can talk t’ us.”

Finally Rainbow Dash appeared in front of Twilight. Her blue hooves resting gently on top of Twilight’s. “Hey, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I was just trying to be… I don’t know, silly I guess. I opened my big mouth and said something stupid again, I’m sorry.”

The love of her friends should have made Twilight feel better, yet all it did was remind her of how lonely she was going to be one day. Her voice was broken as she decided it was finally time to tell her friends something she should have said years ago. “I-I’ve been trying so hard.”

Rarity offered a friendly smile. “We know and we think you’re doing a wonderful job.”

Twilight shook her head. “It’s been five years. Five years I have tried, tried and failed.”

“Five?” Pinkie questioned. “What have you been trying for five years?”

Twilight’s lip trembled as the words made their way up from the bottom of her broken heart. “To have a foal.”