Danger Than Fiction, or, Pony Pony Literature Club, or, Take a Look, You're in a Book, or, Four Nerds and an Alcoholic (Who Is also a Nerd), or, Virtue Rewarded

by insaneponyauthor

Part 4 of the Epic Trilogy

off of Lyra and Minuette. “Yeah,” she said, rolling her eyes. “We all saw the monster.”

Moondancer trotted up the the group--or rather, stumbled in a vaguely group-ward direction--finally brushing the last of the snow off her sweater. “If monsters are going to be jumping out at us, we should maybe move away from the bushes?” she said. “And like, towards somewhere Trevor can make us… thing. Coffee.” She sniffed accusatorily. “There’s sauerkraut here.”

“There’s only one monster!” Minuette said.

Lyra and The Other One turned to stare at Moondancer, who shrugged hugely. “Fuckin… you can’t expect me to have read EVERY book,” she said. “It’s not like Lyra’s played… every fuckin harp or you’ve done every… whatever. I dunno. Bitched every bitch.”

“Remember the cards, Moondancer,” Lyra said.

“I can’t!” Moondancer said. “I lost them somewhere in fuckin’ titanic and I’m too drunk to remember them because someone spike the dimension coffee! And now we have some goddamn French countryside fucker coming in and screaming shit about dissolution!”

“Nooooo!” Minuette shouted. “That wasn’t the monster!” She grabbed the girls and hauled them around, to where a stallion emerged from the bushes, harried and furious.

“Bitch!” the scientist screamed.

“Look!” Minuette said. “It’s a metaphor for fatherhood, a man who refuses to take responsibility for what he has created and yet blames the child for its own faults; who looked his son in the eyes on the day of his birth and turned him away as bilious and unworthy; who harries that very same son to the ends of the earth for a perfection it neither desired nor understood, and which the father forces upon it even while denying love and affection for the son’s efforts! The monster!”

Trevor screamed a tight, shrill sound, and bolted off into the woods. The scientist  howled and made chase, hurling cries of demon and beast and some other self-obsessed, petulant nonsense.

The four girls were left in silence, and Moondancer, Lyra and The Other One stared at Minuette.

“Read a fucking book,” Minuette said defensively.

“As I said, you can’t expect me to have read every book,” Moondancer complained.

“But this is a classic,” Minuette moaned.

“Um ... Shouldn’t we do something about the monster and the stallion chasing him?” asked Lyra.

“Aren’t you listening to what I’m saying?” Minuette grumbled. “The stallion is the monster. He’s chasing his son, who isn’t one.”

“He looks like a monster,” Moondancer rebutted. “Or, at least, he has the size, and eyes and colouration, even if his build is good, if you’re into stallions, but nopony here is.”

“You’re forgetting your social cue cards again,” said Minuette.

“As I said, they’re not in the locket anymore. I lost them on the Titanic,” grumbled Moondancer.

“And because you have manure for brains, you can’t remember them and only remember details that aren’t relevant,” snarled The Other One, as the group had started to think of Twinkleshine since Moondancer had assigned her that nickname.

“But the point is, looks can be deceiving,” Minuette concluded firmly. She closed her eyes and gave a brief nod of her head.

“The point is that they’re getting further away from us while we talk,” said Lyra.

“So?” asked Moondancer. “Why do we care? We’re just trying to get home. What happens in this Celestia-forsaken, moon-banished place has rut-all to do with us.”

“For a start, Trevor is running ... Slithering? The same way, Flankface,” The Other One pointed out, stretching out a hoof to make that literal as well. “We need him for the dimension juice in his tail bubbles.”

“It’s good stuff,” Lyra added with a nod. “Almost as good as my whiskey that you polished off!” She jerked her head to glare at Minuette.

“Yes, we need Trevor’s slug-tail. Or, I suppose Voynich-tail, considering that’s what he claims to be. Unless that’s not normal for Voyniches? I suppose the feathered hat, bridle and jewelled cocoon hanging from it are just his own, personal fashion, though his tail and equine front-half are probably more standard?” She looked up and rubbed her chin with a hoof before lowering both her gaze and the hoof. “Anyway, the point is that the protagonist of this story deserves help too. He has a terrible father. You get that, right Lyra? You’re a mother, after all.” She had turned to face Lyra for the last questions.

“And this is Marey Shelly’s Crank Refined, so the protagonist is Crank Refined?” Lyra asked.

“No.” Minuette shook her head vigorously and even more frustration seeped into her voice. “Why does nopony get that!? Dr. Crank Refined is the father. The scientist. The actual monster. His son, the one we should be helping, is Dam Refined.”

Moondancer lifted her head and gave a long sigh. “Fine. Let’s get this over with. I’ll get us there faster.” Her horn glowed and they popped further along the route, Trevor, Dam and Crank  had galloped, and slithered, down. Another pop and they had overtaken Crank, before finally appearing in front of Trevor again.

“Trevor! Stop!” Minuette cried, lifting a hoof.

He rammed his hooves down, his tail crumpling inwards and jostling the bubbles while his cocoon swung and he came to a halt.

“We need more of your Voynich coffee, spiked with more of your whiskey-flavoured Diension Juice,” Minuette continued.

“Unfortunately, not in the Lyrish style of having actual whiskey added this time as somepony was a greedy manure-face,” Lyra muttered.

Minuette rolled her eyes. “But first, we need to help Dam over there.” She pointed at the huge stallion galloping towards them.

“The monster?” asked Trevor.

“Noooo!” Minuette moaned, lifting her head and twitching her forelegs as her voice shook with frustration. “His dad is the monster! He’s just an innocent foal who needs love and support!”

“And you think we’re the ones to give it to him?” asked The Other One as she raised an eyebrow.

“She has a point,” Moondancer said. “I don’t have my social cue cards. All I have in my locket is pictures of somepony’s parents.”

“Well, you could always geld his dad while Lyra uses her experience as a parent,” Minuette suggested.

“I think I’ll pass,” sighed The Other One.

“Wait!” Minuette called to Dam with a wave. “We want to talk to you!”

Dam blinked, but hurried over. He was well proportioned, but very large. Despite that, his flank was blank, and just as dry as the rest of his body, besides his watery, yellow eyes. “Do you call me over as a distraction, to ensure my demise? Or are you truly willing to speak with one so wretched? Are there truly those who do not hate me?”

“Woah! Stop!” cried Minuette as she lifted a hoof. “There is nothing wrong with you! You need to stop listening to your father!”

“Does he really want to kill you?” Lyra asked softly.

“Yeah! Take it from here, Lyra!” Minuette said.

“Abomination! Nightmare! Chaos-spawn!” Dr. Crank screamed as he rapidly approached.

“You!” Lyra cried as she leaned forward and jerked her hoof towards Dr. Crank. “You are a terrible father!”

Dr. Crank skidded to a stop. “Who the rut are you and what in Cerberus’s litter tray are you talking about?”

Lyra opened her mouth and began to sing,

Dr. Crank blinked at the sudden performance.

“Well done, Lyra!” Minuette grinned.

“Eh, it wasn’t my best work,” Lyra replied. “Almost like it was written by somepony who knows nothing about music.”

“Don’t insult Marey Shelly!” Minuette moaned.

“Well, she’s not really writing this scene any more, is she?” Lyra asked.

“Anyway, the point is, you have to take responsibility for your son, look after him, and stop trying to hurt or kill him!” Minuette yelled as she jabbed her hoof into Dr. Crank’s chest.

“Um ...” Dr. Crank said.

“Also, any villagers showing up with torches and pitchforks are being murderously discriminatory! That needs to be stopped!” Minuette continued.

“That really should be reported to Princess Celestia,” Moondancer added.

“Exactly!” Minuette agreed, turning her head to face Moondancer and giving a vigorous nod.

“Well, if we’re done here, can we get going?” asked The Other One.

“Yeah, I guess so. I managed to get out my frustration at the fictional manurebag.” Minuette shrugged.

“Right. More Dimension Juice, Trevor,” Moondancer ordered.

“Wooah, Man,” Trevor drawled. “Like, you gotta go slooow with the Dimension Juice if you really wanna feel a good trip. And we already had it without coffee last time. I saw the face of my mother who doesn’t exist, remember! Jeeze! Slow down. We gotta chill. Lemme make some coffee so it’s goooood stuff.”

“We aren’t waiting!” Moondancer growled. “We need to get out of this Tartarushole and back to the bookstore so we can go home and sleep off our hangovers!”

“Moondancer! Remember your social cues!” Lyra scolded her.

Moondancer opened her mouth.

“Even when you don’t have them on you!” Lyra added.

Moondancer closed her mouth and lowered the hoof she had raised. “Fine. I’ll try. But I still want to leave now.”

“I agree with her on that, at least,” added The Other One.

“It might not work as well as if you wait longer,” Trevor argued. “A trip that is so far out there is worth the wait.”

“We’re not waiting,” Moondancer insisted. “Do it.”

“All right,” he sighed. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He plucked more bubbles from his tail and passed them out to his travelling companions. “Ready? Go!”

They all slurped up the juice.

Lyra began to giggle. “You know, Dam is really huge. Especially for a foal. Almost like he’s a Gullfaxi!”

They all turned to face Dam and gave him a scrutinizing glance as they popped out of existence.

They popped back into existence upon a massive cloud bank

“Aaaargh!” The Other One shrieked, grabbing her mane with her hooves. “You got us thinking of Gullfaxis instead of the bookstore, flank wipe!

“Okay, but before you complain, how is it we aren’t falling?” Lyra asked as she stared at her front hooves. “I’ve been to Cloudsdale, but I had to cast a spell to stand on the clouds.”

“There’s more,” Moondancer pointed out, lifting her hoof.

They turned to follow her gaze and saw they were standing in front of an enormous castle. Even the doors dwarfed them.

They allowed their gazes to wonder. “Woah! This is a cool trip, but I wonder what that stuff’s like to smoke.” Trevor pointed to some plants that were growing through the clouds.

As they stared, a young, brown earth colt climbed up the plant and onto the cloud. His cutie mark was a bean pod.

“That’s Jack Knife!” Moondancer hissed. “He already has his cutie mark in bean growing!”

“We should help him!” Lyra exclaimed as a grin split her face and she clapped her hooves together.

“Should we really be helping somepony steal?” Minuette asked as she raised an eyebrow.

“Hey, I’ve got to see that self-playing lyre,” Lyra grumbled as she placed her hooves on her hips.

“FEE FIE FUM FONY!” came the bellowing, masculine voice of what had to be the male Gullfaxi. “I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN EARTH PONY!”

“Isn’t is a little early for that?” asked Minuette.

“FEE FIE FUM FORNS!” the Gullfaxi continued. “I ALSO SMELL THE BLOOD OF UNICORNS!”

“Ah,” said Minuette.

The Gullifaxi crashed through the castle’s front door, knocking it off its hinges in the process.  It towered over the ponies; standing at least a dozen times taller. His limbs were thick and stumpy, almost elephantine, and he had a lantern jaw in need of a shave.

“FEE FIE FO FASS! I ALSO SMELL THE BLOOD OF A-”

“Hey, stinky!” Another extremely cranky-sounding voice echoed from the castle window. In normal circumstances it would’ve sounded extremely loud and grating. As it was, it was still loud and grating, only not quite as much. “Will you quit all the yellin’ and let me pillage your treasures in peace?”

The mares, Jack, and the Gullfaxi all turned in confusion to look at the window. A regular sized donkey head, though tiny by comparison with the surroundings, was sticking out from under the shutters?”

“HUH?” said the giant.

“Huh?” said Jack.

“Here I am, tryin’ to do some good, old-fashioned burglary, and you’re out here roarin’ so loud I can’t so much as hear myself think!”

“You get out of here!” Jack shouted back. “This giant is mine! Go find your own!”

“You snooze, you lose!” the donkey retorted.

“Surely there is enough to share!?” Jack said.

“I ain’t sharin’ nothin’, ya leech. If you wanna stick around and pick through the leftovers, by my guest.”

“They’re both gonna get eaten at this rate, aren’t they?” Minuette whispered, slowly backing away along with the rest of her team. Except Lyra, who was being slowly dragged backward by Moondancer and Lemon Hearts.

“WHO’RE YOU?” The Gullfaxi mumbled, his brain having just caught up to the fact that there was a donkey on his windowsill robbing his house.

“Why should I tell you, ya dingus?” The donkey snapped. “I just want you to shut up!”

“It must be another Jack from a different version of the story,” Minuette said in a low voice.

“Oooh! That’s right! The donkey is probably the Jack from that book that came out last year!”

“You mean that one that just took all the classic pony tales and replaced the main characters with the grumpy old donkey?” Moondancer wrinkled her nose. “That entire project was an affront to literature!”

“Oh come on, those books were hilarious!” Lyra protested. “I know it’s not exactly highbrow, but still.”

“All it had going for it was novelty value!” Moondancer snapped.

“Actually,” The Other One said, “they actually did have some real substance to them. The author used the main character to contrast modern writing with the more archaic writing elements of the myths to demonstrate how storytelling has developed over-”

“Now isn’t the time for this!” Minuette said. “I’m guessing that the two Jacks aren’t going to keep the Gullfaxi occupied forever!”

They looked back at the castle door. The two Jacks were still arguing back and forth over who had dibs on the treasure, with the Gullfaxi looking back and forth between the two of them, trying to decide which one to eat first.

“Or maybe they are,” Lemon Hearts said.

“I’m honestly not worried about that,” Moondancer said. “I’m worried about the fact that there are two Jacks from two separate stories. That means that the spell is starting to destabilize. I’m not sure exactly what will happen if it falls apart with us in it. We need to get out of here before that happens.”

“But what about Jack? And the Grumpy Jack?” Lyra asked.

Minuette looked back at the Jacks.  They shouting at each other about the finer points of the laws of salvage, and whether they applied to this particular situation, and the Gullfaxi seemed to have given up on trying to follow their conversation and was occupying itself by excavating his ears for wax.

“I think they’ll be fine on their own.” She turned back to Moondancer. “How do we get out of here?”

“Well, like I said when we got into this whole mess, the spell is designed to end when the story’s narrative reaches its conclusion. The problem is we keep getting shunted into different stories before we reach the end.”

“But how are we supposed to get to the end?” Lemon Hearts asked. “Especially if they keep getting derailed like this?”

“Well, we’ll just have to jump to one that’s almost over. I mean, we’ve jumped into the middle of the story before. We just need to try to land near the end of one.” Moondancer’s horn began to glow. “Everypony hold on!”

“To what?” Lyra asked as the spell went off.

“Oh great, we’re back on the boat. Why a boat…” Lemon Heart stumbled towards the railing.

“Great, now we’re just back to where we started.” Minuette sighed.

“I don’t know about that,” said The Other One. “It’s a boat, but I don’t think it’s the same boat. Or at least not the same story. Just look at it. This boat is all trashed.”

She waved a hoof up at the sails, which were tattered and torn. The deck was pitted and beginning to rot in places, and obviously hadn’t been cleaned quite a while.  Standing at the bow was an emaciated mare with a large bird tied around her neck.

“Oh, great,” Moondancer said. “The Rime of the Ancient Mare-iner. Looks like the spell is starting to absorb poetry as well. It won’t be long before movies start getting dragged into this-” She blinked. “Where did you come from?”

“Where did who come from?” Lyra asked. She turned away from examining the boat’s figurehead to see a small, yellow filly standing beside them on the deck. “Oh, Apple Bloom! How did you get here?”

Apple Bloom took a deep breath

“I’m no poet, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how it goes,” Minuette said.

“What are you talking about? That’s totally how it goes!” Lyra said.

“What?” Moondancer stared at Lyra. “That’s not how it goes at all!”

“It totally is!” Lyra retorted. “Lemon Hearts, back me up on this!”

Lemon Hearts raised her head from the railing just long enough to nod. “Yeah. And the next line is-”

“What? No!” The Other One groaned.  “It’s supposed to start with

That doesn’t sound quite right,” Lyra said. “Must’ve been a cover version.”

“Cover version… Wait a minute!” Moondancer facehoofed with both hooves. “Are you talking about a song?”

“Well, duh. Haven’t you ever listened to Iron Filly?”

“Whatever! It doesn’t matter!” Moondancer said. “This book spell is sucking in random ponies and poems and music and who knows what it’s going to start dragging in next! We obviously have a crisis on our hands! That could threaten all of Equestria! We have to get to the end of the story and end the spell before something awful happens!”

“Uh, guys?” Lemon Hearts could barely get her voice above low grunt. Nopony heard her. Mainly because Apple Bloom continued to sing.

“Huh,” The Other One said. “I think that’s actually part of the poem.”

“So that’s why those verses sound different from the rest of the song!” Lyra said with a grin.

“You should probably look at this!” Lemon Hearts continued to be ignored.

“None of that is important!” Moondancer said. “We need to end the story! That means we have to-”

“HEY!” Lemon Hearts finally managed to raise her voice above the sound of Apple Bloom’s singing. As everypony turned to look at her, she put her head back over the side.

“What is it?” The Other One asked.

The entire boat shuddered violently.

“I think I might have a guess,” Minuette said. “Did the boat just get rammed by a narwhale?”

Lemon Hearts nodded.

“Is it white?”

Lemon Hearts nodded again.

“Of course. I guess that explains that.” She pointed out to the open ocean, where the Narwhale was in the midst of trying to spear a boat that bore several ponies, one of which was gesticulating wildly with a large suction-cup spear.”

“How did we miss that?” Lyra asked.

“This is great! It means the story is almost over!” Moondancer clapped her hooves in excitement. Then her face fell. “It also means that the ship is about to sink!”

The ship started to list, and everypony started to slide to the railing.

“Try to hang onto something! Don’t get sucked down into the whirlpool!”

“Whirlpool!” Minuette cried. “What whirlpool!?”

The ship started to turn as it sunk lower.

“That one!”

“There isn’t a kraken, is there?” Lemon Hearts groaned. “I don’t think I could handle that.”

The boat began to crumble beneath them, the planks disconnecting and snapping as the ship stopped being a boat.

“Everything is sinking!” Minuette gasped. “Even the boards! How does that even happen!?”

“Look for a coffin!” Moondancer shouted as she tried to climb higher on the rapidly deteriorating deck. “That was how the protagonist survived the shipwreck!”

“A coffin! Seriously?” Lyra was bobbing up and down on a barrel.  A barrel that seemed to have a hole, as each bob was lower than the one before. “Why a coffin?”

“Some kind of irony! It doesn’t matter. Just find one before we-” The section of railing that kept Moondancer above the water collapsed beneath her. She landed in the sea with a splash. Milliseconds later, what was left of the ship disintegrated entirely, sending all of the ponies into the ocean.

“Augh! Why does it have to be cold!” Lyra kicked at the water, less for floatation and more out of spite.

Apple Bloom drifted by, seemingly oblivious to the situation.

“I can’t take much more of this!” The Other One groaned as she began to tread water. “We have to get out of here!”

“We should be!” Moondancer gasped as she struggled to stay afloat. “Why isn’t the spell ending!”

“And why is the water starting to turn white?” Minuette said. “And warm!”

“Thank goodness!” Lyra rolled onto her back. “I thought my flank was going to freeze off.”

“Hey, we’re moving!” The Other One said. “There’s some sort of current.”

“We must be drifting into another story,” Moondance said with a sigh. “We’re never going to get out of here!”

“Tekeli-li!”

“What the hay was that?!” Lemon Hearts looked up, as the sound had come from above. A vast flock of pallid birds that she could not identify flew above them in a sky that had suddenly become inexplicably dark. They seemed to be pouring out of a dark curtain in the air. The five ponies (Apple Bloom still wasn’t paying any attention), stared blankly ahead. The current in the water was getting more violent, and dragged them straight towards the veil.

“Tekeli-li!”

Something began to fall from the sky. White flecks, of either snow or ash.

“That can’t be good,” Lyra murmured.

“It’s not!” Moondancer began to flail madly against the water. “There’s a waterfall!” She waved a hoof ahead. The white water seemed to be pouring into a vast chasm, as if the sea were atop a cliff.

“Swim! Swim!”

“It’s no use!” Lemon Hearts screech as she fought vainly against the current, which was now as fast and hard as a rapid. “We’re going to go over!”

Just ahead of them, a massive figure loomed out of the veil. It was a pony, many times taller than any pony any of them had seen, and so bone-white that its fur almost glowed.

“Hi girls!”

“Huh?” All five struggling ponies (and Apple Bloom) paused at the sudden sound of the unperturbed, calm, and familiar voice from beside them.

Twilight drifted along beside them, perched on top of a floating coffin.

“Sorry I’m late!” She said. “I see you went ahead and got started without me.”

“Get us out of here!” Moondancer screeched. “We’ve been trapped here!”

“Trapped?” Twilight cocked her head to the side. “You haven’t been able to deactivate the spell?”

“Every time we try to, it just shunts us into another story! Getting to the end of the narrative doesn’t end the spell!” Minuette explained in ragged gasps as she tried to swim against the current.

“Oh, the attendant said that might happen,” Twilight said. “She said you all stumbled in and activated a whole bunch of spells at once. That sometimes causes interference.”

“Obviously!” Lemon Hearts groaned.

“Just get us out of here!”

“Wait, you mean you’re actually stuck here?” Twilight asked.

“Of course we’re really stuck here!” The Other One gasped. “Why would we be here if we knew how to escape!?”

“Oh, I figured you were just along for the ride. If you wanted out, you should just use one of the failsafes.”

“Failsafes?”

“Yeah, these spells have all sorts of emergency outs to get yourself out of the spell if things get too intense. You know, just saying the code phrase, or booping yourself on the nose with your left fore hoof.

“Wait, really? That’s all it takes?” Moondancer stopped swimming. Curiously, she didn’t seem to drift any faster.

“Sure. Try it.”

Lemon Hearts looked down at her left hoof, then poked herself on the nose. She vanished with a muted pop.

“Seriously?!” Minuette put both her hooves to her face. “We’ve been driving ourselves crazy trying to get out of here and that’s all we had to do?”

“Yup.” Twilight nodded. “Or tap your rear hooves together three times, or blink an SOS signal, or swish your tail in a figure eight. Or if you want to shut the spell off entirely, just say the kill phrase.”

“What’s the kill phrase?” The Other One asked.

Twilight cleared her throat. “‘A bird in the hoof is worth two in the Baba Ganoush!’”

The sea, birds, ash, narwhale, and freaky chanting was abruptly replaced by the interior of the bookstore.

“Uuuuuggghhhh…” Moondancer sat up. Her head was spinning, partly from the disorientation of being suddenly relocated to the sofa, and partly because of a hangover.

“Anyway, again, sorry I was late,” Twilight said, taking a seat on one of the chairs. “There was another crisis in Ponyville. Rabbit stampede ended up running into the beaver migration and it was just kind of a mess. But it’s good to see all of you again. I wish we could do this more often. But anyway, we’d better get going. Our reservation at for dinner is in like fifteen minutes.”

“What?” The Other One mumbled. “Fifteen minutes!? But we were in there for hours!”

“The Other One has a point!” Lemon Hearts added.

“I’m Twinkleshine! Will you knock off the whole ‘Other One’ nonsense?”

“Whoops, sorry. But yeah, Twinkleshine has a point. How could we possibly still be able to make the reservation!”

“Yeah, you were only in the books for maybe ten minutes or so,” Twilight said. “Time dilation. It can have some wonky effects when you use this kind of magic. But really, we need to get going if we want to make the reservation.”

“I don’t think we’re going to make it,” Minuette sat up, winced, and rubbed her head. “I think we need some time to recover.”

“Fair enough. I guess I can send a message to the restaurant to push back the time a bit. Good thing I brought Owlowiscious along!”

“Who’s Owlowiscious?” Lyra asked. Out of everypony, she seemed to have mostly recovered, and now sported a goofy grin.

“Lyra, you know him already. He’s my pet owl. I thought all of you might like to see him. He’s perched outside.” She whistled.

“Did you bring her too?” Twinkleshine gestured at Apple Bloom.

Twilight shrugged. “I’m not sure what she’s doing here, actually. Once Owlowiscious gets back from the restaurant, I’ll have to send him to Ponyville to ask Applejack. Ah, here he is!”

Owlowiscious swooped through the open door and perched on the armrest of Twilight’s chair.

“Say hello to everypony, Owlowiscious!”

“Hoo?”