//------------------------------// // Moondancer's Long-Winded, Encyclopedic, Cetacean Adventure // Story: Danger Than Fiction, or, Pony Pony Literature Club, or, Take a Look, You're in a Book, or, Four Nerds and an Alcoholic (Who Is also a Nerd), or, Virtue Rewarded // by insaneponyauthor //------------------------------// All this happened, more or less. The drunk parts, anyway, are pretty much true. One mare I knew really did get detention in Canterlot for putting her head in a flask that wasn’t hers. Another mare I knew really did move to Ponyville and start dating a secret agent after we graduated. And so on. I haven’t changed any names. I’ve finished my drunk book now.  The next one I write is going to be anything else, because writing while drunk is a terrible idea. This one is a failure, because again, writing drunk is a terrible idea.  It begins like this: Listen: Moondancer has come unstuck in narrative. It ends like this: Hoo? Listen: Moondancer has come unstuck in narrative. She has walked through one door into bar with her friends and come out another one in a flying saucer. It is still familiar. She knows it is familiar because it is from a book she read. She has read many books, but she remembers this one in particular because it has a non-linear narrative.  She is inside the book and is now subject to that narrative. A week earlier, she received a telegram from Twilight. The old gang from Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns is getting together in Canterlot. The princess has some business to attend to first, but she will meet them in a bookstore when she is done. The other five unicorns walk into a bar. “Ouch,” says Lemon Hearts, who was at the front of the group and took the brunt of the impact. Before that, the five unicorns walk out of a location that has a liquor license.  They have all, some with more encouragement than others, taken advantage of the beverages available for sale. “Whoa, this is crazy!” Lemon Hearts says. Moondancer is unsure whether her friend currently occupies the same point in the plot. She is slightly more sure that Twinkleshine looked like a green plunger, with the suction cup on the ground and at the top was a hoof with an eye in the center of it. It didn’t look like Lemon Hearts at all, but it was still her. “You look like a gigantic millipede with baby pony legs at the front and old pony legs at the back!” Moondancer walks through another door into a bookstore that she has not been into before. She sees a book on the table that she remembers.  She hasn’t read it in a while and decides to pick it up to take a look. Minuette hasn’t read this book before. Moondancer opens it up to show her friends. “The book was magic!” she says to Twinkleshine. “I think it sucked us into it somehow. It doesn’t have a linear narrative, so we’re all being bounced around!” “So that’s what’s happening.” Lyra says. Lyra is sitting in a boxcar, not a flying saucer, but she can still see her friends, even though they aren’t in the same location or at the same time. “I was wondering what was going on.” “Can you get us out of here?!” Twinkleshine says. She isn’t in a very pleasant part of the book. “I think so!” Moondancer gathers up as much magical energy as she can muster, reaches through all the events that are happening at the same time, and casts her spell. “Uggggh…..” Moondancer’s legs wobbled as she stood.  She had enjoyed reading Slaughterhorse Five well enough, but actually being in it was a good deal less pleasant. “Is everypony okay?” “Better than I was,” Twinkleshine groaned. “What was that?” “That wasn’t a normal bookstore,” Moondancer answered. “Twilight had told me about a store she ran into once that enchants the book so that you can experience the story firsthand.  Although when she told me about it, she said it did that with comics. I didn’t think they’d start doing it with literature.” “Why would you even want to go into that kind of book?” Minuette asked, rubbing her head. “I must admit that that particular book does strike me as a rather odd choice. I can’t imagine anypony would want to experience a story where all of the events are shown out of order.” “Not to mention how much it messes with your head,” Lemon Hearts muttered, her eyes still rattling in her sockets. Moondancer shrugged. “At least we managed to get out of it.” “Are you sure about that?” Lyra asked. “Why?” “Well, I’m pretty sure we’re not back in the bookstore,” Lemon Hearts said. “We’re on a boat.” Moondancer blinked. She had been so preoccupied with getting out of that confounding knot of a plotline that she hadn’t bothered to check her surroundings. Sure enough, they had landed in a pile on the deck of a ship, an old-fashioned one driven purely by sails rather than magic or machines.  In fact, she had been leaning up against the mast without even realizing it. “I guess we landed in another book,” she said. “I wonder what book we ended up in!” Lyra said excitedly as she rushed to the side of the ship. “Maybe it’s a story about pirates! That would be so cool! Maybe we’re on a pirate ship!” “I doubt that,” Moondancer said matter-of-factly. “I’d think a pirate ship would be way more of a mess.” “Or we’d have landed in the middle of a swordfight or something,” Minuette added. “That would’ve been awesome!” Lyra sighed. “We teleported into some sort of boring historical novel, didn’t we?” “Well, there aren’t any cannons or explosions or whirlpools or anything,” Lemon Hearts said as she poked her head over the edge of the ship. “Just waves. Moving up and down… rocking the ship…” Her mane and coat began to blend together into a sickly green. “Why did it have to be a boat?  How do we get out of here?” “I’m… not sure, actually,” Moondancer admitted.  “The spell was supposed to get us out of there. Twilight mentioned that Spike once got a comic book from this shop, and they only escaped from it when they reached the end of the story.” “So your spell can’t get us back to the real world?” Twinkleshine asked, her face fraught with worry. “I’m not sure. I wouldn’t worry too much, though. Worst case scenario we just have to reach the end of the story.  Although to do that we need to figure out what story we’re in.” “Hey, look at this!” Minuette said excitedly. Her attention was focused on the mast. Or rather, a golden disk affixed to it. “Somepony nailed a bit to the mast.” “That’s no Equestrian bit.” Moondancer squinted at it.  Something about the whole situation was familiar. “Looks like an Equinorian coin. I wonder…” Her voice trailed off into mumbling. “What do you wonder?” Lemon Hearts mumbled back. “I bet she’s wondering if she can bring that thing back to the real world with us!” Lyra said with a grin. “I bet you could buy like a month’s worth of donuts with it. Let me see if I can get it off of there!” The glow of her magic surrounded the coin, but it didn’t have time to so much as budge it when the cabin door behind them was thrown open.  A grizzled old stallion emerged. Down the side of his face a long, pale scar ran from his mane, down his cheek, and through his stubbly beard disappearing into his coat.  But what everypony stared at was his horn. Unlike his coat, which was the dark blue of a sky before a storm, his horn was as white as bone. In fact, it didn’t look quite like a horn. It was too thick, and the surface was covered in whittled patterns. It wasn’t a horn at all, and it wasn’t attached to his skull. It was a tooth, bound with a leather wrap to the stump of a horn that protruded from his forehead. “Hoofs off!” He declared, cracking the deck with a stomp. The whole group froze, transfixed by his fiery gaze. “That doubloon belongs to no mare or stallion.  It belongs to nopony. Nopony but the one who first sights the white Narwhale!” Moondancer groaned. “Why couldn’t I have picked a shorter book?” ——— Six years have passed since I resolved on my present undertaking. I can, even now, remember the hour from which I dedicated myself to this great enterprise. I commenced by inuring my body to hardship. I accompanied the narwhale-fishers on several expeditions to the North Sea; I voluntarily endured cold, famine, thirst, and want of sleep; I often worked harder than the common sailors during the day and devoted my nights to the study of mathematics, the theory of medicine, and those branches of physical science from which a naval adventurer might derive the greatest practical advantage. Twice I actually hired myself as an under-mate, and acquitted myself to admiration. I must own I felt a little proud when my captain offered me the second dignity in the vessel and entreated me to remain with the greatest earnestness, so valuable did he consider my services. And now, do I not deserve to accomplish some great purpose? My life might have been passed in ease and luxury, but I preferred glory to every enticement that wealth placed in my path. Oh, that some encouraging voice would answer in the affirmative! My courage and my resolution is firm; but my hopes fluctuate, and my spirits are often depressed. I am on a long and difficult voyage, the emergencies of which will demand all my fortitude: I am required not only to raise the spirits of others, but sometimes to sustain my own, when theirs are failing. Seriously? Were you being paid by the word or something? Success SHALL crown my endeavours. Wherefore not? Thus far I have gone, tracing a secure way over the pathless seas, the very stars themselves being witnesses and testimonies of my triumph. Why not still proceed over the untamed yet obedient element? What can stop the determined heart and resolved will of Captian Ahab? Oh, put a sock in it, will you? Hold on, let me see if I can switch back. ——— "Ah, that's much better," said Moondancer, glancing over her surroundings. "Minuette? Twinkleshine? Where's Lyra? Is everypony still here? Are you all ok?" "Well Lemon Hearts is puking her guts up and Lyra will probably have us walking the plank in no time, or whatever it is that whalers do when their guests get too annoying, but other than that we're fine," Twinkleshine responded. "Yeah," Minuette agreed, "we're on a boat in the middle of nowhere. What could possibly happen? It's not like a giant sea monster is going to jump out of nowhere and smash the boat." Everypony looked around nervously, except for Moondancer, who was merely annoyed by the pointless delay. The silence was unbroken, except for the distant sounds of vomiting and waves crashing against the ship. No sea monsters improbably materialized, and after a while, they returned their attention to Moondancer. "Look," she said, "I used Twilight's bookwalking spell to scout ahead a bit, and I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that this is a linear narative with none of the nonsense from last time, and we should be pretty safe here for a while." "Dude, spoilers!" shouted Lyra from somewhere near the mast. "The bad news," she continued, "is that this book is like a billion pages long. We're never going to find the ending before Yearling catches up with us or worse. We're going to have to abandon ship." "Abandon ship? Are you crazy?" Twinkleshine pointed to the chunks of ice floating in the water, shining in the moonlight against the black sea. "It's freezing out there. We'd be dead before sunrise from the hypothermia alone!" "She probably meant it like metaphoricalically, I mean metafouricly, ugg whatever. You know, like we're not actually going to jump into the ocean like idiots," Minuette said. "Staying away — from the ocean sounds — good to — me," grunted Lemon Hearts as she staggered over. "She's right," Moondancer said. "Minuette, I mean. Although Lemon Hearts is also right. Actually, come to think of it, Twinkleshine is probably right too. I mean hypothetically we would die, not that we would do that. Err, I mean, well I guess what I really mean is that we need to abandon this story. We need to jump into another book. Any ideas?" "Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone!" Minuette suggested. "She'd never expect us to go there!" "Too popular. We'd probably run into hordes of fanboys. What about Daring Do and The Buffalo Burial Grounds? Nopony likes that one". "Wait a moment, why are we so sure it was Yearling all of a sudden anyway?" asked Twinkleshine. "All I can remember is consuming large quantities of alcohol. How do we know we're not just blaming an innocent pony at random over nothing?" "Well regardless of what actually happened back there, we have to get out of here before old Captain Bone-Horn here figures out that we're not really going to help him find his stupid narwhale." "I can hear you, you know." said the Captain, who had in fact been standing by the railing the whole time, gazing out at the sea in hopes of spotting some sign of a white narwhale, which regardless of how stupid it may be, had nevertheless proven itself capable of greviously injuring a certain stallion. Yeah, but at least I don't have to read your rambling about it anymore, so who cares, thought Moondancer. She was about to respond out loud when she noticed a golden glow coming from the direction of the mast. Oh no... There was a giant cracking noise and Lyra excitedly shouted "Got it!", a phrase which here means "you better abandon ship really really quickly." Moondancer quickly grabbed the startled Twinkleshine, Minuette, and Lemon Heart and started preparing a spell. There was no time to think or decide. They just had to be anywhere, anywhere was better than here... The last thing she saw was Lyra, running past the shocked captain, a twisted mass of chunks of wood trailing behind her in the air, borne aloft by her telepathy, and in the middle of it all, a tiny glint of gold. As the spell took hold, Moondancer desperately reached out. "Lyra! Quick! Give me your hoo—?" *** “Oof!” Moondancer called out, grunting as she landed on a hard floor.  When she opened her eyes, she saw Twinkleshine, Minuette, and Lemon Hearts all lying on the floor nearby.  Lyra, unfortunately, was nowhere to be seen. However, since they were in a long hallway with a bunch of doors, there were plenty of places to start searching for her. “Curiouser and curiouser!  Did these ponies fall down the hole into here like I did?” said a tiny, squeaky little voice that Moondancer didn’t recognize. “Who said that?” asked Twinkleshine, getting up onto her hooves in a wobbly fashion. “I did!  I’m down here, and I can’t reach the key!” the voice squeaked again.  Finally, Moondancer and Twinkleshine looked near the bottom of a table that was parked in the middle of the hallway.  Standing underneath it was a very tiny, mouse-sized little Earth pony filly with a blond mane. Even in her drunken state, Moondancer realized what story they were in, considering that there not only was a little key on the table, but an empty bottle labeled “Drink Me”. “You’re Alison Landerwon!  I mean Alice in Wonderland!  I mean, we’re in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, by Loose Carols!” she blurted out. “Here’s the key,” interrupted Twinkleshine, and she levitated the key off the table and let it fall on the floor next to Alice. “Thanks, big pony!  Of course, since I’m smaller now, that must mean you are a regular-sized pony, and not a big one, well, no bigger than most adult ponies are,” said Alice, “But how do you know my name?” “Well, it’s because…” Moondancer started to explain, though she wasn’t sure how to tell somepony they were just a fictional character.  Meanwhile, Minuette noticed a little box underneath the table, containing a tiny currant cake. “Oooh, what’s this?  It looks tasty!” she exclaimed, startling Moondancer. “Don’t say tasty,” moaned Lemon Hearts, whose usually yellow face was still looking a little green. “Wait…!” Moondancer shouted, but it was too late.  Minuette had already opened the little box and eaten the currant cake that said “Eat Me”. “The story’s being ruined!  Alice was supposed to eat that!” Moondancer wailed as Minuette began to grow to a gigantic size.  Moondancer, Twinkleshine, Lemon Hearts and Alice all backed away from Minuette as she grew, not wanting to be accidentally stepped on. “Relax, Moondancer, we already changed the story just by being here,” said Minuette, who didn’t seem to mind that she had just turned into a giant pony. “Wait, this is a story and I was supposed to eat something but that blue unicorn ate it instead?” Alice asked, “I must be getting very forgetful if I was supposed to be in a play with all of you and forgot.  This is a very elaborate set you made, too. That fall through the hole and making my body shrink felt so realistic!” “Uhh…yes!  Your next part in the script is to take that key and go through that door you were trying to enter,” Moondancer quickly improvised, remembering that Alice was supposed to go through that door at some point in the story. “Yeah, and if you see Lyra, tell her we’re looking for her.  And a bucket, if you can find one of them too,” added Lemon Hearts. “Thank you, kind unicorns!” Alice called, waving to them before grabbing the key and opening the tiny door, which she then disappeared through. “I wanna follow her.  Maybe we can find Lyra through that door,” said Twinkleshine, “Did Alice leave any of that shrinking stuff for us?” “There’s an easier way.  Let’s just try one of the bigger doors.  I’ll just blast it down with magic,” Minuette declared, and before anypony could object, she began to fire blasts of blue energy out of her horn at the other doors in the hallway.  Some of the blasts did hit the doors, breaking them open, but others hit the walls and one stray blast struck Twinkleshine, slamming her through one of the doors. Moondancer huddled next to Lemon Hearts, trying to keep up a wavering shield spell. “WHO is destroying my castle?!” bellowed an unfamiliar voice, which startled Minuette enough that she stopped shooting energy blasts to try to see where it was coming from.  A very angry mare strode into the hallway, looking very much like the Queen from a deck of playing cards, wearing a very fancy gown with a red heart motif. “Ooops, sorry, I was just trying to open the doors so we could find our friend,” Minuette said, starting to realize that her method of “opening doors” might have been overkill. “Oh no, it’s the Queen of Hearts,” Moondancer whimpered, desperately hoping that she wouldn’t… “OFF WITH HER HEAD!!” the Queen commanded, just as Moondancer feared. “Please don’t cut my head off!  I just want to see Lyra again and get away from A. K. Yearling!” Lemon Hearts wailed from on the floor. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it,” Minuette said cheerfully.  With her current size, the Queen didn’t look scary at all. She was just a silly tyrant from a book who could just be stepped on like a bug, and then no one would ever have to be beheaded in Wonderland again.  She stepped forward, attempting to squish the Queen of Hearts, but she missed, and she knocked over the table that had the bottle of shrinking potion that Alice drank. A little bit of the potion was still left in the bottle, and it splashed on Minuette’s hoof.  She began shrinking rapidly, turning back to her original size. “Run away!  We need to live to find Lyra!” Twinkleshine called, sticking her head back through the broken door she had been blown through. “Lyra’s right here, you drunken pests,” said a horribly familiar voice.  Outside the door was a garden path, and standing in it was Daring Do, who was dragging a tied-up Lyra behind her. “Good, you caught her.  Now OFF WITH HER HEAD!” the Queen of Hearts commanded. “She’s going to keep her head!  And so are we! Moondancer, take us out of here!” Minuette shouted, charging at Daring Do and shooting another energy blast out of her horn.  She missed Daring Do, but she hit the rope instead, breaking Lyra free. Moondancer quickly began to prepare another book-walking spell, trying her best to make it cover all her friends, while at the same time, excluding Daring Do and the Queen of Hearts, who they were trying to escape from.  The last thing she saw before she activated the spell was Daring Do’s lasso speeding her way. Everything became a bright flash of light, and the ground disappeared beneath her hooves. ————— “So… dizzy…” Lyra tumbled to the ground in a daze. Moondancer, Minuette, Lemon Hearts, and Twinkleshine all did the same. “Where...  are we now?” Lemon Hearts slowly stood up. As she did so, her hoof slid out from under her. “Oof…” “What is the ground made out of?” Moondancer tried standing as well with similar luck. “Wait is this…” Minuette’s eyes finally began to focus. “Gold?” Everypony began to see their surroundings. They were clearly in some enormous cave filled with nothing but gold coins. Every so often, the auric sea was broken up by a column or chest. In the center was a veritable mountain made out of treasure. Minuette couldn’t be sure if it was just her dizzy vision but the mountain almost seemed like it was… moving? “We’re rich!” Lemon Hearts slurred out as she stood up again. Eventually, the group were barely able to find their bearings and get used to the uneven ground. “I’m going to try to swim in it!” She exclaimed as she began to crouch. “Wait, no!” Lyra gently nudged Lemon Hearts. Well, it was more of a clumsy stumble onto her tail but either way, it got the job done. “That doesn’t actually work…  I think.” “Aw…” Lemon Hearts begrudgingly shoved Lyra off of her tail and set aside her gold-diving dream. “Who… are you?” An unfamiliar voice rang out from behind the group. “Who said that?” Twinkleshine glanced around. There was no one she didn’t recognize nearby. “I asked first.” The voice rang back. “Ugh… my head hurts…” Twinkleshine finally managed to get out her name, “Twinkleshine.” The ponies introduced themselves one by one. “My name is Bronco Baggins.” The voice finally answered. “How did you get here?” “That’s… not really something I can answer.” Moondancer awkwardly shifted positions. “Though where is here? And where are you?” “I’m right behind you.” Everypony glanced around again. “I don’t… what?” Lyra was starting to get sick of this. “Uh… to make a long story short, I have a ring that makes me invisible whenever I put it on my hoof.” Bronco seemed hesitant to answer that question. “Oh…” Moondancer racked her brain trying to remember the story. “Also could you stop talking so loud? You’ll wake Smaug.” Bronco whispered. With that, Moondancer finally remembered this book. “We’re in the Hobbit!” Moondancer happily shouted. A low rumbling surrounded the ponies. “Oh… oh no! Why would you do that?” The disembodied voice panicked. The rumbling slowly got louder and gold began to shift away from the mountain. “I knew I wasn’t seeing things! There’s something underneath all of that gold!” Minuette took a few steps away from the rising piles of treasure. “Uh… Moondancer? What’s a Smaug?” Lemon Heart quickly looked around for potential exits. “It’s a… um…” A combination of her inebriation and fear made Moondancer lose her train of thought. Everypony slowly looked up as the creature finally broke through the gold and revealed its true form. A crimson serpent slowly looked at each of its intruders. “...dragon… It’s a dragon.” “Oh? Now this is interesting. Five little ponies, come to steal from me. Tell me, why shouldn’t I burn you where you stand? Wait…” Smaug sniffed the air. “Six. There are six intruders.” Bronco gulped. “Show yourself, little one.” “Please, we meant no disrespect by our coming here, mighty Smaug.” Bronco chimed in. Moondancer knew where he was going with this. “Yes we all came here to uh… bask! Bask in your uh… glorious...ness.” Moondancer added though she cursed her lack of vocabulary in this drunken state. “Please, tell us more about yourself, oh mighty wyrm.” Smaug chuckled at the flattery. It might not have been eloquent but he was clearly enjoying the attention. The drake reared back on his hind legs and spread his wings wide. ‘Then bask! My armor is like tenfold shields! My teeth are swords! My claws are spears! The shock of my tail is a thunderbolt! My wings are a hurricane! My breath is death!” Smaug proudly roared each analogy out. Minuette couldn’t help but snicker to herself. What a blowhard, she thought. “Now tell me, who are you?” “Uh… we come from a land of…” Twinkleshine couldn’t think of a good description. “...ponies…” “Yes, I figured as much.” Smaug was visibly losing patience. Moondancer tried to cast another book-walking spell but the uneven ground combined with Smaug’s presence was messing with her focus. Then, an idea came to her drunken mind. “Keep him talking, everyone. I’ll get us out of here.” Moondancer remembered something from the book. Smaug continued to stand as a show of aggression. “That’s easier said than done. “ Bronco gulped and continued his flattery, “Who we are is not truly important when compared to you, oh Smaug.” “Yes, we’re no one. Nothing but bugs.” Lemon Heart tried to help. “You’re stalling.” Smaug bluntly stated. Moondancer winced. It was too soon. As a last resort, Bronco took the ring off of his hoof, revealing a brown earth pony in a cloak. He galloped away from the group, grabbing a gold cup in the process. Smaug growled and started to chase after Bronco. A cloud of fire erupted from Smaug’s mouth and spiraled towards the thief who ducked behind a column. Roaring once more, the dragon curled around the column to trap the intruder. “Now!” Moondancer fired a blast from her horn aimed straight at a hole in Smaug’s scales. Unfortunately, her aim was completely shot and the blast hit the column that Bronco was hiding behind. A pillar of stone fell on the proud wyvern, knocking him unconscious. “This way!” Bronco yelled to the ponies. The inebriated group galloped, or something that passed for running if you squinted really hard, and followed Bronco Baggins through the cave, eventually reaching a large staircase with a passage to the outside waiting at the end. A roar echoed through the cavern, spurring everypony up the stairs. As the last of the group made it through the exit, Bronco closed the door. “Whew!” Lyra breathed a sigh of relief. The sentiment was echoed through the group. “Hey!” The relief was broken by a voice they knew all too well. Daring Do had been waiting for them to leave and was running up the path leading to the cave. “Oh come on!” Twinkleshine sighed. “Does anyone even remember why she’s chasing us?” No one wanted to admit that they didn’t know. Moondancer finally cast the book-walking spell once again, enveloping everyone present except for Bronco just as Daring Do reached them. “Thanks for the help!” Moondancer called out to Bronco and they vanished. ——— You storm out of the bookstore, slamming the door as you leave. Cursing the stupidity of bookstore owners, you fail to notice five unicorn mares standing directly in your path until you walk straight into one of them. You begin to apologize—then your breath catches in your throat. She’s the most beautiful pony you’ve ever seen. Her mane is bright pink and curly, though slightly disheveled.  Her coat is ivory, positively shining in the morning sun. And her cheeks have a lovely blush—a completely natural one. And then this otherworldly beauty is startled as one of the other mares—the lemon-yellow one—leans heavily against her and slurs at you, “Heeeeeeeey, handsome …” She has the same blush, as do the other three mares. Suddenly, you have a pretty good idea why they’re all blushing. “Why, hello there …” another of the mares says, only slightly more sober than her friend. She’s the one wearing glasses and a black sweater, and she isn’t talking to you. She’s talking to a book on the ground—your book, your misprinted copy of If on a winter’s night a traveler which you dropped when you bumped into these mares. “Been meanin’ to read this one,” she continues. “S’posed to be really good.” “Well, you’d best not read this copy, then,”