Love isn't something that can be explained easily, don't you think, dearest?
If you're reading this, it's likely too late to fix what's already been lost. You've hurt me far too many times, and I admit, maybe I have did the same to you too.
I'm not writing to talk about our pasts. They ultimately mean nothing now. I just wanted to give you the answers I know you deserve, a few things that I could never put into actual words.
Firstly, I will admit part of this is all my fault. Remember how you told me you appreciated my presence, and how I made you happier? If you don't, that's okay, because I do, and it's something that I'd never forget. I just wish you could forgive me for being so stupid at that moment to not give you a proper response. I wasn't the worst student in the class, but I admit I have made a terrible decision back then, for not understanding what I was feeling earlier. If I did, I swear I would have told you, that I felt the same way and I never wanted to lose you.
It's the same for when you first told me about your feelings. You admitted you liked me more than a friend, remember? Did you think I was shocked when I never responded or told you how I feel? That was because I didn't know if I did love you or not, until it was probably too late. When I spoke of this again, I've never seen you look so cold and distant, as if you wanted to forget this topic forever by avoiding it whenever you could.
What I'm trying to say is, if I hurt you by that set of actions, if my ignorance and stupidity made you lose faith in your feelings, then I'm terribly sorry. If this is indeed the case, I would gladly go back in time and fix it, if I could ever.
No matter how I liked you since then, as a friend or more, it was no doubt that I trusted you. You know that, and if you don't, I'll tell you again - I trust you, I consider you family, just not in the way you thought I did - just not so platonically. Even after you - dare I say the word - betrayed me.
You might ask me, how did you ever betray me? If you said that you did what you did because I told you to do so, then I'm sorry, I must say you misunderstood. You see, my dearest, sometimes, by saying one thing one could mean another altogether. I'm sorry that you don't have my sense of empathy - don't argue with me, I've observed long enough to know - but you should have known that what you had done would have broken me completely, which is exactly what happened.
If you wanted to know what I felt, then I admit, it was anger. I was undeniably mad at you. I trusted you, and you replaced me. It was after a while that I felt the sorrow and pain hit. The one that I loved and valued the most in my life - whether as a friend or more - was the same one that I trusted would not stab me in the back. Yeah, you might think I'm making it too much of an issue, that I'm just creating drama for no reason. If you think so, go ahead and continue. I don't care - a betrayal is a betrayal - no matter how great or small. Plus, one's actions while they are young would lead to much more. Which is why I don't regret what I've done - even though it hurts.
But what I truly wanted you to know was that, when I asked you for a chance to take the stage together, it wasn't because I wanted to deliberately display my admittedly horrible singing voice, but because it would make a memory that would last for eternity. It wasn't the performance that concerned me, it was the fact that I would be doing it with you. If it was any other pony, even my closest friends, I would have been held back by my natural fear and shyness. When you were around, it made me feel more confident - not up to your level, mind you - but definitely more than when I'm alone. I wanted it to be special, an event that both of us would have found memorable, but I guess I was wrong, for what's left is a bitter memory. I'm sorry I never told you earlier, but I've always believed that music had a certain magic to it when it is channeled through song, you know? Like it could literally give you wings and the ability to fly. I knew that wasn't entirely true - I'm not a complete lunatic - but it wasn't the point, I just wanted to experience it once in a lifetime, something that I long to do yet lack the courage to do so alone. That was the reason why I seemed so excited when I asked you for the chance - because I truly was. Not just because it was an opportunity to see one of my more realistic dreams come true, but because I would be seeing it with the one that mattered the most to me.
And in the same way, I spoke those words - I still remember them exactly - "You know what? If you really don't want me, forget about it." - I hoped that you could sense that I was doing it out of good intentions, and I was never trying to force you. I wanted you to know how much you meant to me, how much every moment we made - and could still have made - means to me, I wanted you to feel at least once that I was truly by your side. If I sounded inconsiderate or in anyway offensive - I can apologize for hurting your feelings, but I can't help it if you don't understand the meanings hidden between the lines.
And now look what happened. I was replaced, even though I kindly asked you and stated I wasn't imposing. You know what? Even the fact that you replaced me didn't bother me that much, for you told me it wasn't really your choice, and I believe you. What really killed me was hearing you say that you meant to hide it from me. You even admitted you asked your replacement - what was her name again, Bon Bon? Doesn't matter. You asked her to keep her mouth shut. But I want to know - seriously, did you really think you could hide it from me forever? Did you think I wouldn't have found out on the day of the performance otherwise? You told me to wait for a response while you asked after my request - did you think you could just disappear and leave me hanging without an answer - and that I would forget about it? Maybe you didn't think it meant as much to me, but that doesn't change the fact that you have been uncharacteristically uncaring about my feelings, even for you.
You had always been... less enthusiastic than me about things concerning feelings, ironic given you were the more sociable one. I'll forgive you for not noticing my feelings without me saying them, I could forgive you for the times you hurt me and didn't see it yourself, no matter how insignificant they are - someone as important as you can make anything look significant. But what I can't forgive is that you never took my feelings seriously, that you betrayed my trust even I thought you were the last pony on Equestria to ever do so.
If you don't understand why I've been ignoring you: it's simple. I just didn't want to give in, didn't want to forgive you, didn't want to suffer the same pain because of you again. I feared that if I forgave you, too easily given what you've done to me, you'll never learn your lesson. I am not afraid to admit, I'm not sorry for that. I'm not sorry that I would never forgive you for what you've done, I'm not sorry that I've been deliberately ignoring you yet always seem to be stalking you. I'm sorry, I've let my guard down too many times, and I'm not breaking down the walls myself once more.
Of course, you could have told me that your painful remarks back then were answered with equally hurtful ones from myself, but I have nothing to say about that anymore. After all, isn't it fair for you to get a taste of your own medicine? Besides, it was already a fair trade. We've both hurt each other with our carelessness, and for that I forgive you. I don't want to think of that as a bad thing anymore.
If you haven't figured this out already, which I'm pretty sure is the case, I want you to know how much suffering it is just to live and breathe without you. I never told you this, but when we fought a long time ago, and you refused to speak to me, I thought a part of my world was gone. I felt sick and I wasn't doing well for a few days. You know why? Because I thought you listened to them. I was afraid those snobby ponies had finally told you how much of trouble I am, and how weird, crazy, abnormal I am. After all, you'd never understand. At least, they'd leave you alone, you told me. Whenever I try to speak or be friendly, everyone thinks I'm insane, that I'm too much for them to handle. I'm the Derpy that they loathed and feared, and not in the way I wanted them to. I've always been jealous ever since you told me you could speak to almost anyone with ease. You carry a certain charm that I could never possess, one that makes you so likable, so lovable to everypony. If anyone dares to disagree with me, they can go eat the dirt. That's also the reason I fell in love with you - it seemed like destiny more than choice.
You know what? Ever since we stopped talking, everything seemed to be getting worse. I was always too scared to asked you for physical affection - but I never stopped desiring every day. Every night when I sleep, it always seemed so empty without you. I long to wrap my wings around you, hearing you comfort me and wipe away my tears as we drift off to sleep. I've always dreamed of futures where we were together, be it happy or sad moments. The most important part is that you were always with me, two souls intertwined to keep each other warm forever.
My life has seen some pretty terrible things, and I know you have too. You probably have a few things you think I'd never understand, and the same can be said for me. I just wished we could have took comfort in each other's presence to ease these losses and aches that we couldn't repair or change in our lives. But even if you tell me that's not possible, that I'll never be the one to call you my marefriend, it is fine - I know that you have your limitations, and life doesn't always give us what we want - heck, I don't even know whether if you wanted it in the first place. I just wanted you to know a few things.
Firstly, you have to learn how to read between the lines. You don't have to get all touchy-feely about it, much like how I always do. You just have to learn to understand. I may be able to forgive you, but you will never get along with anyone in the long run if you don't learn to be more sympathetic. Second, I just wanted to tell you that love isn't all about happiness, getting to spend all the time with your partner in a world without problems. Love is something you can always trust in each other to find, to embrace it deep within yourself. Even if you see the world as one of suffering, there will always be someone who is willing to help you lessen the pain - or at least journey with you till the end. Love isn't about always finding happiness in each other; it's about understanding that there are no perfect moments in the world, but you will always have someone to help you get through them and make them better, and bringing a comfort that will last till eternity. Even if you don't find it in me, it's fine. Just remember me when you find someone new, okay?
And lastly, I want you to know something, something that has been on my mind for a long time since we parted. I might have built walls around my heart, seemingly denying access to your entrance, but you know exactly where the door is. As I said, I'm too weak to break down these walls, nor do I have the energy to push the door wide open, but it isn't locked. Every moment is an open invitation, should you change your mind, and if that ray of hope in my heart wasn't wrong all along. You just have to try harder, and soon you'll find no more barriers between us. The world can think what it wants of us, I don't really care. At least, not anymore. I don't welcome any other visitors except you - and I could wait forever for you if I need to.
If you are reading this letter, I hoped you have read the note I left for you and it is dark where you are doing so, for I want you to have a great day and a greater year ahead of you. I know you are already well on your way to success - if you can't find time for me anymore, that's fine. Remember, I hate leaving doors wide open - but I would never lock a door that I only wish for you to open.
I wish you a happy birthday and I want you to know that I love you, Lyra Heartstrings, with all of my heart. Although I may never completely forgive you, I could never hate you, for I trust my heart, and it tells me hating you just isn't part of me, isn't what makes me a better pony. I long to be the pony I want you to see, whether as a friend or more, I thought I succeeded, but maybe I failed.
I hope you will always feel the warmth from the light that follows you, even if I'm no longer with you. I want you to have a good life, and if I was wrong and you never really loved me, then I'm sorry for wasting your time. If so, consider this my final goodbye.
Yours lovingly,
Derpy