//------------------------------// // Chapter 3: Uncomfortable Conversations // Story: Pandemic: What you are Meant to Be // by Halira //------------------------------// Matthew hadn't slept well. Even with the big dose of sleep aid he had been awake off and on all night long. He didn't feel rested at all as a result. There were things to do today though so there was no sitting around in bed all day, much as he would like to do so. He got up and noticed right away the fact that his ears weren't buzzing anymore and they felt distinctly different than yesterday. He didn't panic though, he knew this was almost certainly coming today. He would see the change as soon as he got in the bathroom. Standing or sitting up straight was a little bit of a struggle and he just let his posture slump a little. Running a hand across his chest he paused at an oddity. He looked down just to make sure he was sure about what he was feeling. He confirmed in an instant that he was right, his nipples had started migrating down his body. He wasn't sure why this struck him as really odd. Ponies had that area much lower on their bodies so it wasn't really shocking that those should move, it just wasn't anything anypony had really talked about. It was the kind of thing you just kind of overlooked with all the other body changes. There were probably dozens of other little things he wasn't even noticing that were moving or changing in ways he might think of as weird. He got up and wandered out of the room at a slow pace. He took a quick look over the balcony to the living room downstairs to see if his parents were up yet. Both seemed to still be asleep, it was actually still dark outside so it wasn't really surprising. He was up ahead of the sun because he couldn't sleep right and hadn't expected them to be up until after dawn. He kept staring down at them for a long minute though, their positioning seemed very awkward; that might be a sign they were entering into the final stage of transformation. He would need to wake them up and check on them before he went out of the day. If they needed him here then Tonya and finding other night ponies would have to wait. He left the balcony and wandered into the upstairs bathroom, flipping on the light while yawning. Looking into the mirror he first looked at his new ears. They had dark grey fur and little tufts on them that gave them a more angular and rugged look that many other ponies. His green mane combined with them gave him an idea of what he would end up looking like, at least a little bit. It was still hard to imagine, but the picture was getting clearer. Somehow looking over moving nipples and new ears he had overlooked the two stubby appendages which were starting to bloom from his upper back. They didn't look much like wings yet, they looked like little deformed arms, or misshapen tentacles. No pony had ever shown pictures of what they looked like when they were in the process of coming in, most just woke up with them suddenly fully developed. Maybe the fact that he wasn't sleeping right was causing him to see things at a different stages of development than normal; like his body was programmed to have them do most of their growing while he was sleeping but he wasn't sleeping when he should.  They didn't hurt, he could feel a tiny bit of sensation in them, but he couldn't make them move at all. The muscles were likely not developed in them yet, it was dealing with the limbs of a fetus. They weren't causing any pain, just some stiffness in the upper back. Between his slightly slumped posture and those sticking out of his back he imagined he might look like some sort of gargoyle rather than early stages of a cute little pony. Putting any sort of shirt on was going to be next to impossible due to the half formed wings, much less his jacket. Perhaps he should just cancel out on all his plans for the day. His parents likely needed him anyway. Maybe he could just message Tonya and find out what she wanted. She seemed like she might be expecting a reply last night, even though he hadn't given one. With that in mind he decided to just skip the shower. He would write Tonya a reply and then see to his parents. He might as well see if there was any new news also. He walked carefully down the stairs and went to the laptop. There were no further messages, but he figured she would still be asleep anyway at this hour. He typed up a quick reply apologizing and saying he was at a stage it wasn't good for him to be traveling, but he would keep in touch on the computer while he could still type. That completed he went into the living room and sat on the floor to watch the never turned off television. "Continuing with our developing story; the government has issued a notice that at noon today most of the communication grid will be taken offline in terms of civilian use. This channel as well as well as a few other selected channels will remain in operation to provide continuing updates. A complete list will be displayed below. Local area landlines will also continue to function though there may be some interference with long distance calling. Cell phone coverage by major providers will cease to work outside of Wi-Fi. Expect severe internet slowdown as well. The government is going to be using the grid for emergency services and the lack of available workers is seen as too much of a strain on the system," the television reporter rattled off. Hopefully Tonya gave a reply quickly if she was going to give one. It didn't seem likely she was going to be getting or receiving anything once noon hit. Sadly this made it next to impossible for Matthew to further keep up with any night ponies that might be out there as well. He got up as the reporters continued on about current infection statistics and news of rioting. He wanted to do as much searching on the internet as possible before it became next to impossible to use. As he came up to his computer he noticed that there was a reply waiting for him from Tonya. Really want to talk though so be there in a little while your parents will just have to deal with me maybe talk outside so they won't hear its important He again had to re-read her message more than once to be clear on what she was saying. Tonya's messages gave him new appreciation for punctuation. The meaning was obvious from the start, she would be showing up soon. She was an earlier riser apparently. A knock at the door declared that soon was actually now. Tonya didn't have to worry about walking to his house when she could fly to it in less than a minute from the church; he was mildly jealous and it made his new half-formed appendages twitch. "Huh? Somepony at the door?" Matthew's father said sleepily.  "I've got it, Dad. Don't try to do any walking around. I'm pretty sure it's someone from the church. I'll see what they want and be back inside in a few minutes," Matthew called into the living room, before hurrying to the door.  He quickly opened the door and slipped outside without even waiting to see if it was Tonya. When he closed the door behind him and looked he did indeed see Tonya, but also a fully transformed night pony mare and stallion. "Hi! Sorry for bringing guests with me, but they insisted on coming to meet you. This is Haley and John," Tonya said with an embarrassed blush. "Pleasure to meet you," Haley said with a smile. John smiled and dipped his head in greeting. "Um, nice to meet you two as well. I'm Matthew," he replied, unable to keep from smiling at actually meeting some night ponies. "Matthew? That seems an inappropriate name," Haley said with a tilt of her head. "Are you really planning on keeping that?" "Why wouldn't I?" Matthew said with confusion. Was he supposed to come up with some pony name now? Was that a thing? "I don't think she has figured that part out yet. That's why I said you two should just come tomorrow," Tonya said with a huff towards Haley. "Figured what out?" Matthew said with a furrowed brow. "Yeah, this is going to be a weird conversation," Tonya said with a bemused expression. "Can you two kind of just leave the two of us for a few minutes? I don't think she really wants to have an audience for this conversation." John mouthed an "oh" and Haley blushed fiercely. They both nodded quickly and silently took to the air like they had been doing it their whole lives. Matthew saw them fly back over towards the church where they flew in a circle around it. "So what's this about, Tonya?" Matthew asked the pegasus. "I really don't know how to talk about this if you haven't consciously realized it yet," Tonya said slowly. "I was really excited when I realized it, but standing here trying to explain it to you I suddenly can't figure out the best way to go about this." "I'm not going to date you," Matthew said, partly in jest. "What?" Tonya said with confusion, before shaking her head. "Why would you even suggest that? Do you have the hots for me? Because if you do that's going to really mess up some of what I was going to try to explain." "No, no interest at all in that," Matthew replied. "Well good, that keeps what little bit of explanation I had in order," Tonya said with relief. Matthew actually was a little hurt that she had no interest in her.  "Anyway, how am I going to say this?" Tonya said. "Let's start with the fact you don't have that kind of interest in me, but you have a lot of interest in me." "Say what?" Matthew said with a raised brow. "Ugh, I'm not good with words! You've always had a lot of interest in me in a non-sexual, non-romantic way. Have you ever wondered why? I have, but haven't ever voiced my opinions," Tonya said with frustration. "I don't know. You're just unique and different," he answered without giving it much thought. "Okay, maybe not the best place to start. How about how you always cover yourself up?...except today apparently. Wearing hot jackets in the middle of the summer where it has to be uncomfortable to have that much insulation on. Why do you do that?" Tonya asked.  "I just do. I feel less comfortable without a jacket on," Matthew said with embarrassment.  "In the heat you have to be anything but comfortable," Tonya said flatly. "I just do," he asserted. "Alright, and how about how you always complain about your parents' saying bad things about LGBT ponies? They say a lot more about other stuff, but you focus on that. I know they've been bigots, but in terms of that they aren't nearly as bad as you make them out to be. Believe me, I know when it's really bad," Tonya continued.  "It's just wrong, and you don't know how much they actually say. You don't live with them," he asserted as well. "You're overly focused on it, everypony can tell. They can say horrible things about anything else, but you'll flinch like they struck you when they go into that subject, and hardly seem to notice the rest," Tonya pressed. "This all seems completely unrelated stuff, Tonya. What's your point?" he said with anger now rising. He didn't want to be having this conversation, it was uncomfortable. "Okay fine, going to just say it straight out. You're like me. Well, not exactly like me, as you're so closeted you can't even let yourself admit it or see it, but you're just like me. I always had a kind of feeling that it was that way with you, but never said anything because you just don't say that to somepony," Tonya said all in what seemed a single breath. "I'm sure of it now though, instead of me just guessing." "What do you mean just like you?" Matthew said with a sinking feeling. "Really? You're going to play dumb?" Tonya said with an exasperated sigh. She then turned around, lifted her tail and rump high towards him, putting her marehood on full display. She then quickly lowered it all back down and turned to look at him. "You're trans just like I was; not sure if it still counts or not for me, or will for you, but it's the truth." "All those things don't sound very convincing. They could have any number of other reasons. I've never tried to pass off as a female," Matthew insisted. He was shaking and didn't know why. He wanted to just tell her to leave and never bring this up again. "Yeah they could mean anything, and I never said something about it," Tonya conceded. She then took an exaggerated sniff and smirked. "But now I smell you. You'll figure out fast once you're done becoming what you should be that a pony's sense of smell tells them a lot of things. You've got the smell of a mare. It's even stronger today than it was yesterday.  "You're crazy," Mathew replied dismissively. He wanted to just slam the door in her face. "I get it, I really do. I know you don't want to admit it. You're so scared and ashamed of what ponies will think that you won't even let you admit it to yourself. You come from a family where it would go even worse than mine went when I finally admitted it. We've got to come out to ourselves before we can come out to anypony else, and that can be hard. It can take a lot of years for some ponies, it doesn't make it less true though. If it were different circumstances I wouldn't be even talking to you about this no matter how sure I was," Tonya said with a sympathetic tone. "Why are you talking to me about it then?" Matthew growled. "Because if you're really that ashamed I don't want you to carry that over into what should be the best thing to ever happen to you," Tonya said with concern. "I don't want you feeling hate for yourself, like I once did. Yes, we get all comfortable being ponies, that comes naturally, but I'm not sure that extends to peace about being who we are as a whole. I really don't know what I'm doing, but I'm trying to find a way to make this better for you. Ponies are supposed to be honest, ponies are supposed to be kind, and ponies are supposed to take care of one another." "Well, you could be wrong about the whole thing," Matthew said in a low voice. "And you could deny it, but you aren't," Tonya said with a half smirk. "You've pointed out how I could be wrong, but you haven't once told me that I am. We're better as ponies than humans, but I'm not so naive that I don't think all that baggage from humanity can't still affect us. I want to be sure you aren't carrying around that shame over. Just think about the truth. I can tell you from experience that once you open up that closet you can't shut it again." "Just go, Tonya. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'm going to try to forget we even had this talk," Matthew said wearily.  "I'll go, and I'll tell Haley and John to come back later tonight after you've rested. They do want to talk to you about other things, but you're clearly tired right now, and I'm sure they are too. I'm pretty certain none of the three of you should be up for long during the day," Tonya said. Tonya was probably right about that part. Matthew just nodded and gestured for her to go. Tonya gave a sad look before taking to the air. Matthew turned and went back into the house. Tonya didn't know what she was talking about. Maybe Matthew's parents were right and Tonya had not been right in the head this whole time. Matthew couldn't let Tonya get into her...his head. Crap, she was already in Matthew's head. A seed of thought had been planted and it was going to grow.  He jumped, startled to see his mother standing in a slumped over position just in front of him. She did not look physically comfortable at all, and should likely be in bed. Her toes were clearly fused together and on their way to becoming hooves.  "Mom, you look like you might need to go sit or lay down. You look rough," he said calmly. "Keep your voice down, your father fell right back to sleep after the door knock. I don't know how, with how loud you and her were being out there, but I would rather not get him involved with this, not yet," his mother said in a determined tone, then grimaced as she took a step. "Walking is really uncomfortable right now, but I want to talk to you in private. Let's go back outside and sit on the bench out on the porch." Shit, she had heard them; curse pony ears being so good. Matthew started to sweat at what kind of conversation might be coming. They exited out the door with his mother taking careful slow steps. Once they sat down on the bench she kept her posture slumped over. "You might have already guessed this, but I heard that whole conversation you had with Tonya. I want you to know I'm not mad. I'm confused, but I'm confused about a lot of things lately," his mother said slowly and carefully. "You don't need to worry about it," Matthew replied. "I think I do. You're my foal and as your mother I'm concerned about your well being. She's right, you never denied her, and I want to either hear you deny it or confirm what she said," his mother said in a choked voice. "I don't know," Matthew said quietly. "What do you mean you don't know? Do you think of yourself as a female? It should be a simple yes told no question," his mother pressed. "I don't know if I've thought of myself in any way. I haven't been thinking of myself as female, but I can't say that I've thought of myself as male either. I just kind of exist. The subject is uncomfortable for me to think about," Matthew answered. "That other pony that spoke seemed to think you're female, and I heard the talk about smell. That seems like there's more to this than some fantasy from Tonya," his mother said again as if she were measuring each word. "Maybe, I don't know," Matthew said with his head lowered. "Do you know I love you no matter what? If this is God's will, then it is what it is. I don't want you to feel I would reject you," his mother said in a pleading voice. "If this had come up without all the ETS ever happening would you feel the same about it?" Matthew asked.  "I don't know," his mother said with a sad short laugh. "I'm having to re-examine a lot about what I believe and who I am right now, we all are. I want to say yes, but if I'm honest with myself, the answer is probably no, and admitting that makes me feel ashamed. However, we're dealing with this under different circumstances, and it's letting me possibly do better. God works in mysterious ways." "Do you think there's anything to what she says?" Matthew asked tentatively. "There were some things, when you were much younger, that I won't go into, that I'm thinking back to now in a new light. You were too young to remember them, and we broke you of them. I'm questioning now whether we did the right things. You say you don't have a sense of self, and that makes me think you might be suppressing something. I can't make excuses for all of what I would have done under different circumstances, but I can promise that as of now I'll accept you no matter what. I don't want you to feel ashamed of who and what you are," she said, tears in her eyes. "So you think she is right then," Matthew said in an even tone. "I'm saying there might be something to what she says, maybe. I don't want to make you feel like I'm suddenly pressuring you to go along with what she said either. I really don't know what I want you to do other than to feel at peace with yourself one way or another. I also don't know how your father will feel about all of this either. With the way things are progressing I've a feeling that he and I will be finished tomorrow, I just have a sense of it. Maybe we'll smell whatever it was Tonya was smelling too. Do...do you want me to tell you if I do smell it?" her voice was strained through it all.  "Yeah, do that please," Matthew said as he stared down at his exposed chest and his migrated nipples, he never had put any shirt on. Didn't male horses not have nipples at all? Why'd they move rather than vanish? "I don't think there is any more we can talk about right now about this, you need to get some sleep. I might look rough, but you're the one with two partially formed wings sticking out of your back. I'm shocked those ponies didn't say something to you about that. It can't be good for them having them out here in the cold. Go get some sleep, your father and I'll be alright for most of the day I think. I expect it'll be later in the afternoon or tonight we'll have to have some help; I can't be certain, but have a sense of it," his mother said as she rose from the bench and started walking back towards the door to go inside. "Alright, Mom. And thank you, I love you," Matthew said as she opened up the door. "I love you too. Get some sleep," she said with an honest smile as she went back into the house. Matthew sat outside still for a few minutes. It really wasn't that cold outside. The cooler air helped with keeping him alert though. He needed to think about all this now that he had both his mother and Tonya talking to him about it. Most things about this whole transformation hadn't even struck a chord with him, why had this? Was the fact that it really bothered him a sign that it was more likely to be true? Everypony seemed to smell the fact he was becoming a mare, perhaps it was best to start with just accepting that part of the new reality and work from there. One way or another he was going to be a she, she was confident that her parents would smell the same thing tomorrow. So start with trying to think of herself in those terms. Was it really that upsetting? She sat and considered, just getting a sense of what it felt like to refer to herself that way. It was something that felt a little uncomfortable at first, but the more she did it the easier and more natural it felt. Was that just the ETS at work trying to give her peace with her new form? Did any of this even matter in that case? If she was going to be at peace with it one way or another why was everypony worried she wouldn't be?  Well, the question is whether it bothered her now and if that would carry over into after she transformed completely. If she came to this revelation on her own with no ETS involved what would she be feeling? It was hard to say. Most likely terrified of what her parents would say, really terrified. She realized she was terrified right now about what her father would say. He was far more dogmatic than her mother was. Even transformed into a pony she doubted he would just accept that kind of change. Plus there was dealing with everypony else. They would know what she was before, and they might say something. She wasn't Tonya, this wasn't something that everypony just knew about, and even Tonya got looks from some. What would she get with this coming out of nowhere? This wasn't answering the question though. She was thinking about what others would think, not what she felt. If some person had come along with a pill like from The Matrix and said that if she took it she could live happily as a female for the rest of her life would she take it if she was given a choice? It was hard to say without factoring in how everypony else would feel, and that might be the most telling thing; if given the choice with no outside pressures she thought she would take it.  So, that was it then. She was a closeted transgender girl who was about to have that closet thrown wide open, and that scared her. The fact she was having no problem at all with thinking of herself in female terms might have been ETS, but already it felt like male terms were more unnatural after just a few minutes. She had been ashamed of what ponies, specifically her parents, would think of her, ashamed to the point she wouldn't admit things to herself. If her mother had not come out and talked to her she was pretty sure that she would still be feeling that way, but knowing her mother would love her no matter what felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders. There was still the matter of her father, which terrified her beyond all belief, but she had enough courage now to at least admit the truth. She yawned. It was far too late, or early, depending on how you thought about it. She was going to go back to bed and let her body do what it wanted with sleep. Only a few more days and her new life started, and now she felt a small amount of eagerness for it.