//------------------------------// // Surf and/or Turf // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// “And so, as we commit these souls to eternity, we’re reminded that hot damn did Granny Smith make some bomb-ass pie.” I was not great at eulogies, despite the practice I’d had at so many funerals during my time in Equestria.  Besides, you know how you get done doing something difficult only to find out you have to do it again and the second time around the effort just isn’t there?  Yeah. Anyway, we buried a couple old ladies at sea.  Rainbow, despite being the cause of this, kind of because she was the cause of this, was sequestered down in the reactor compartment because it had the best radiation shielding. Apple Bloom cried.  Applejack didn’t, but wearing the same grim expression across all meat puppets kind of got the message across even more intensely. This was basically the worst first day of school ever, and that’s despite me being the principal, and of a submarine. Fortunately, I seized an opportunity to go do something else.  Silverstream, the hippogriff, hadn’t gotten her school permission slips signed.  Normally that wouldn’t matter very much at the In Need of Beaning school of friendship, but as I said, I needed an excuse to get away. Since we had to go to Mount Aris in the hippogriff lands, it was surrounded by water and pretty easy to just sail there.  Unfortunately, I hadn’t considered the timing and that meant I actually had to do stuff to kill time before I could get to the planned getting away. I reviewed some of the classes and coursework we had prepared.  Bible was teaching a spirituality elective.  Sir Win had come aboard to teach defense against the dark arts. “But he does the dark arts,” Bible protested to me. “He’s also a nice enough guy to teach defense for them,” I pointed out. Bible considered it, and then reluctantly nodded. Pinkie Pie came up to me.  “Hey Valiant, I hired an understudy!” “For what?” “Well, since the teaching thing is taking up so much of my time, I wanted to have somepony else making everybody laugh.”  She stretched out a long hoof and pulled another mare into view. The newcomer had a bleach blonde mane and heavy makeup. “Let me introduce Josephine Jokester!” “Hi,” she said. I stared at her.  “So when do you make me laugh?” “Well, I got a late start this morning,” she said, fluffing her mane.  “I spent so much time in the powder room. It takes a lot of money to look this cheap, you know.” “A Dolly Parton Reference?” I said, looking at Pinkie. She grinned.  “I thought you would get it, especially because her name’s Josephine.” “I think you mean Jolene.” Josephine’s face fell.  “I...I built this entire image around that joke and reference and you just zonking destroy it with a hammerini.” “What’s a hammerini?” “It’s like a hammer, but smaller.” I blinked and shrugged it off.  “Well, I guess that’s what happens when you go up against king reference himself.” “Well, let me try again.”  She waved a hoof. “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Tiny Tony.” “Tiny Tony who?” “Tiny Tony needs to go to work, but there’s one problem.” “What’s that?” “He’s tiny, and he works in construction.  Usually, he just helps other people. For example, he tests doors after they get installed.  He goes, knock knock.” I realized what she was doing.  “Who’s there?” “Not Tiny Tony.  He didn’t go to work today because he had this one problem.” “What’s that?” “He lost his hammerini.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “That wasn’t very funny, Josephine Jokester,” Pinkie stage-whispered. “Well zonk, you try writing a joke on the spot.” I opened my eyes.  “Look, Josephine-” “Just call me JoJo.” “Whatever.  If Pinkie wants you around, fine, but please try to work on better material.  I’m begging you.” She agreed and I made like a tree and exited the premises. I stopped by the materials lab to check on a few things.  As I had told the music magazine a while back, I was working on starting a toilet paper company.  The first samples were about ready. It was a student-run research lab, so things weren’t perfect, but it’s not like I was going to wipe with Valiantco® toilet paper.  Don’t use your own products, kids. They were also researching plushies, for some reason.  I didn’t pay it much mind. That settled, I went to do grandparent shit. And let me tell you, everybody wants to be a grandparent until it’s time to do grandparent shit. I found Fizzy playing with dolls on the floor.  Pardon me, action figures. They were still horribly mutilated, covered in fanged bite marks and scribbled with arcane unholy scripture. He grinned at me and rolled over on his back, stretching out his limbs.  “Nice boat you’ve got here.” “Thanks.” “I imagine it would take just one small thing going wrong to kill everyone aboard.” “I have certain contingencies in place for that.” “Oh, like what?” I booped his nose.  “Just you goddamned try and find out.” I gave him a strawberry candy.  For some reason, I seemed to have a lot of them lately.  Animosity between us or not, he ate it. Ain’t nobody not like strawberry candy. I went to oversee the classroom work.  I could see a lot of students weren’t into it following the funeral.  Some more than others, of course. I went to find Twilight to see what she was working on.  In her room, I found her working a couple of spells. I’d gotten her a whiteboard and it was covered in notation.  Owlowiscious seemed to be involved. “What are you working on?” I asked. “I’m trying to figure out how to disguise an owl.” I glanced at Owlowiscious. “Hoo.” “Do tell,” I said. “Yona and I decided to add him to the superhero team,” Twilight said. “Does he have a name?  Special ability specialization?” She gestured to the board.  “We’re working on it. At the moment, just flight and slight magic manipulation.” “He can cast spells?” “Well, he’s good for an owl, but not having a horn really limits his abilities.”  Twilight shrugged. “I mean, we all have our purpose in life,” I said.  “I myself try to oppose communism at every turn.” “Hu.” “No, I didn’t kill the last president of China, but I would have if given an opportunity.” Twilight looked like she was about to say something, but decided not to.  Thus far, this new Twilight had pretty much only seen the principal side of me, and I chastised myself for letting anything else slip out.  Different Twilight, different rules. So I left the room so I could keep being me. The submarine kept moving and we eventually found ourselves in the bay at the foot of Mount Aris.  We brought the sub to the surface and I gave the order to let the students out for some shore leave.  Those that had signed permission slips, anyway. But also Silverstream too because it was her hometown. As she was leaving the sub, I caught up with her.  “Could you get your parents to sign this?” She studied it.  “Could you make it waterproof?” “I...guess.  Why?” “My mom lives in the ocean, so I’d have to take it there.” I paused.  “When I said parents, I didn’t necessarily mean it had to be both.”  Also, weird. I’d never encountered a separated family in Equestria before.  But then, I also asked, “Wait, what do you mean ‘lives in the ocean?’” “She’s a seapony.” “And...you and your dad are both hippogriffs.” “A bunch of us turned into seaponies.  Some even like to go back and forth.” I could have said a lot of things.  Apparently her mother didn’t love her enough to stay on land.  Or maybe her father didn’t love her enough to join their mother.  But you don’t say shit like that to kids, and Silverstream seemed happy today, so I said nothing. But I decided maybe I should investigate this.  The submarine may have been a boarding school, but if there was going to be a family problem with one of the students, I figured I should get ahead of it. I walked with Silverstream, who seemed to be visiting her father first.  Along the way, we encountered a seapony, who, as I watched, exited the water and with a flash turned into a hippogriff. “Hey Terramar!” said Silverstream.  They hugged. She turned to introduce me.  “This is Terramar, my brother.” He wore a necklace with a pink thing on it.  I pointed. “Is that what you use to shift forms?” He nodded. “It’s a piece of a magic pearl.” “From a magic clam?” He frowned, which was difficult to do with a beak.  “I guess?” The CMC showed up just then and I excused myself.  I headed up the mountain. The hippogriffs seemed to be in the middle of some sort of celebration.  Sky Beak, Silverstream and Terramar’s father, was the host. Apparently the party was about how great it was to be a hippogriff and they did it every week. Huh, that struck me as being kind of petty, considering his wife was the one who had decided to be a seapony. Then again, if she really liked it better down where it was wetter, I guess I couldn’t judge.  I had a submarine, after all. But to get a whole perspective, I had to go visit. To that end, I caught up with the kids, intending to ask Terramar about borrowing the piece of pearl.  Coincidentally, that was already in the works and he was going to take the CMC for a swim. “This is absolutely the best place ever!” said Sweetie Belle, apparently doing some hardcore meadow frolicking in Mount Aris. “And you get to swim in the ocean!” said Scootaloo, apparently looking forward to what was to come.  “You have two great places to live!” “How do you make up your mind which one to stay in?” asked Apple Bloom. “I can’t.  That’s the problem,” said Terramar. Aha.  Well, he wasn’t my student, but I could still see what I could do about his parents. Terramar took us to the water and we stood in a ring holding hooves.  His pearl piece flashed and turned us into seaponies. For the record, I don’t really like being a fish. “Welcome to Seaquestria,” said Terramar as we swam into the depths.  I looked around. I’d noticed some kind of flag back up at Mount Aris, and it seemed like this place also had its own attempt at sovereignty.  If only they knew. The more I looked around, though, the more I...considered the place.  Some hydrographic surveys I’d had Maud do had detected large deposits of hydrocarbons in this area.  Combine that with their independant flags and tendency to break up marriages… Lecherous rebels with oil. Yep.  That was the invasion PR campaign.  I began planning immediately. But I was distracted by some kind of argument.  Apparently Sweetie Belle hated it here and Scootaloo loved it.  I was barely listening, but I caught something about sea monsters. Huh, maybe I could get that river serpent Rarity knew to help.  I didn’t really have many underwater contacts. But this would require a lot of work.  While In Need of Beaning had a nice armory, you don’t just invade in an afternoon.  Sure, I could, but I also had homework to grade. Shit, I was turning into Cheerilee.  And I’m sure she wouldn’t like that idea, either. I headed back topside.  Terramar was nowhere in sight.  Uh...how was I going to turn back from a seapony? I swam parallel to the shore for a while.  The CMC were apparently also after Terramar and trying to fix his unsure-where-I-want-to-live problem. The group of us all found him simultaneously.  He was in a tree. “And I’m staying here, too!” he insisted.  “That way, I don’t have to be on land or in the water!” “So just move to Cloudsdale,” I said. The CMC all considered it and agreed. “Huh, I never thought of it like that,” said Terramar. Another satisfactory resolution, courtesy Plymouth Valiant. Applejack and a couple of meat puppets showed up just then.  “Apple Bloom, it’s getting a little late. Do you and your friends want to come back?  You can have puppet races if you want.” She glanced at Terramar.  “Who’s your friend?” “‘Ol Turf ‘n Surf was just leaving,” I said. They all stared at me. “What, do none of y’all speak Latin?” I said. Applejack’s glasses-wearing meat puppet started to lift a hoof, but put it down again. “I didn’t know you speak Latin,” said Applejack. “I don’t.  I just know that terra and mar mean land and water.  Come on, I just built a nuclear submarine, give me some credit.” Applejack rolled her eyes.  The CMC mounted up on their favorite meat puppets and rode them back along the beach at a gallop.  Maybe the less said about that the better. I went back aboard the submarine and headed down to the bar.  You’re goddamned right we had a bar aboard. Guinness had agreed to open a new franchise of The Half Pint on the sub.  He called it The Fifth. Guinness himself was the bartender, considering he was trying to do the responsible thing and keep his kid close to her mother. Yes, I realize I was the catalyst for this, dragging Rainbow to be a friendship teacher.  But it was okay, because Guinness liked boats. At least that’s what I told him. We were still in the process of getting the anti-rad drugs from Zecora, but had engineered a solution to keep Rainbow safe - and keep us safe from her - by having her carry around a block of lead.  It was a good thing she was the world’s fastest pegasus, because if she wasn’t she wouldn’t have been able to move with it at all. Rainbow sat down at the end of the bar, reading some of her course material. “So what happened today?” Guinness said, serving me a beer. “You know Silverstream, the hippogriff?  Her parents are divorced.” He frowned.  “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that happening in this world.  Are you sure?” “They don’t live together, and are voluntarily not even the same species.”  I shrugged.  “But I guess it isn’t that weird, or even taboo.  I think we can agree that it’s not the ‘50s anymore; the nuclear family is dead.” I glanced at Rainbow.  No pun intended. “Also,” I said, “I’m going to invade Seaquestria.” “What!?  Why?” “Lecherous rebels with oil.” “Zonks,” said JoJo, coming in and apparently hearing the tail end of that.  “Can you just...do that?” I smiled.  She was about to learn.  “No country too sovereign.”