//------------------------------// // 2: Fruit Flies Like a Banana // Story: Complex Equations // by Dr Blankflank //------------------------------// The quadrangle at the Royal Academy of Equestria sat between the building complex for the College of Arts and Letters, and the College of Science and Engineering. Surrounded by magnificent marble buildings and old and well-groomed cherry trees, it was the centerpiece of a venerable and handsome campus. Today, an outdoor stage occupied the northernmost end of the quad, and the blossoms on the cherry trees framed the stage in an exultation of pink and white petals. The crowd, and a substantial crowd it was, was uncomfortably seated in row after row of small wooden folding chairs. Their discomfort was threefold: first, the chairs were always at risk of simply resuming their folded state; second, the Professors in the audience were forced into close proximity, and there is nothing a Professor dislikes more than others of their own kind; and lastly, it was becoming evident that the ceremony was not going according to plan. Five minutes into the ceremony, the Dean of the Royal Academy of Arts and Letters (professor Great Books, a stoic and heavyset bay stallion) was stalling. He had recounted the list of Fine Mane’s achievements to the audience, and the audience generally regarded it as a good and thorough list. He had told the “worthwhile problems” anecdote, and received the usual amount of polite laughter. But now, he was harrumphing through a brief aside about funding and facilities in the Physics buildings, and looked certain to founder completely when his salvation came to him from above. Using the Royal Canterlot Voice, Twilight bellowed, “Clear the stage! I’m coming in hot!” She slammed into the recently vacated space behind the lectern, bounced, did a complete somersault in mid-air, and landed again on all four hooves. She held that pose for a moment, checking all four hooves for confirmation of her upright position. Her face blossomed with unexpected joy as she turned, breathless, to the lectern. She stood, grasping the lectern for support as she drew a scroll from her rumpled saddlebags with her horn. The crowd was silent. She panted. “One...moment…” She took three slow, deep breaths. She looked like she had been dragged across campus by a manticore. She wasn’t simply dirty, no; she was entirely out of sorts. Every part of her coat had been rubbed against the nap. Her mane was standing straight up at the roots, as if they were trying to escape from her scalp by the most direct route. She had apparently engaged in a game of kicky-hoofsies with a bottle of ink, winner to be decided once cooler heads could prevail upon the combatants. “Fillies and gentlecolts,” she said. She was still breathing hard, and her brain hadn’t really switched gears yet. She paused, and smiled. The silence was deafening. “I’m sure you are all familiar with Fine Mane’s groundbreaking work, ‘Space-Time Approach to Quantum Thaumadynamics’, published by this very institution.” The crowd made general noises of assent. “Well, I have just come from the high-energy thaumaturgy buildings, and I can tell you now that his published quantum equations are incorrect!” With this, the crowd broke completely. Several ponies elected to take it upon themselves to manage the defense of their colleague, who was clearly being oppressed by an uncaring and out of touch royal. Others took the opportunity to attack the honoree for having the impertinence of being right all the time. A dozen verbal skirmishes broke out. Fine Mane stood directly in front of the stage, and with a mad grin he said, “Surely you’re joking, Ms Sparkle!” “Oh, Fine Mane! You wouldn’t believe the day I’m having!” Fine Mane looked around at the bickering ponies, and back to Twilight. “Something like this, I imagine?” Twilight laughed. “Yes, okay. I see your point. But look here: you assume that delta-t is a positive value. If you remove that assumption, look at these results here…” Twilight got down from the stage and they conferred for a few moments. Soon enough, the crowd conversations died down and began to pay closer attention. Fine Mane’s voice peaked, “That’s good, but for macroeffects to be seen, it would generate massive numbers of anti-thaums. We’ve never seen a physical specimen that comes close…” Twilight interrupted with a raised hoof. “I have a present for you in the high-energy lab.” “A present?” Fine Mane smiled. “A teacup, actually. It’s impossible!” Twilight laughed and the scroll trembled in her hooves. “In the lab? You’re using the Cloud Chamber?” His voice was charged with wonderment. “The measurements are off the charts! It’s incredible!” Twilight’s voice was squeaky like a whistling teapot. Fine Mane popped his head up, looked to Great Books and said, “Someone get us a couple of chalkboards!” Great Books harrumphed again, and found a few students to browbeat into the job. Once the chalkboards had appeared, Twilight and Fine Mane began to fill them with equations. Ten tense minutes passed. They were oblivious to the crowd, checking each other’s work, commenting on techniques, and finally settling on a single equation set that satisfied both ponies. Twilight looked a bit dazed, but she radiated pure joy. “We need to preserve this work.” Fine Mane turned to Twilight and said, “Let me show you the most powerful magic spell I know.” He went up to the chalkboard, and wrote “DO NOT ERASE” in the top-right corner of the board. Below that, he wrote his initials, “FM”. He threw the chalk over his shoulder. “There. Safe as houses.” Twilight snort-laughed. Fine Mane was looking directly at her now, thinking silently to himself. Finally, he said, “Shedding Hair famously described his own process as ‘10% inspiration, 90% depilation.’ He’s not...a distant relative of yours?” Twilight grinned., “I’m going to pretend I don’t know what you are talking about.” “Still, that was a pretty good entrance. Here’s my turn.” With that, Fine Mane turned to the audience. “Fillies and gentlecolts, allow me to introduce you to your Princess, Twilight Sparkle. Not only has she saved Equestria countless times, she is one heck of a scientist.” The crowd applauded, and Twilight curtsied in response. He turned back. “There’s your honors, right there.“ “I could never have done it without you.” She gazed at the chalkboard. “What do you think it will mean, in five or ten years?” “No idea. That’s for the next generation to figure out. Now, I expect your preliminary write-up of these findings on my desk first thing Monday morning.” “First thing?” “Oh, the hard part is already done; you’ll find the thing writes itself. Say, what are you going to call this?” He waved a hoof at the chalkboards, now being carefully wheeled back to the lab. Twilight beamed. “I call it ‘The Discord Exception’.” Just then, a tan unicorn mare with a cap and steno pad walked up. “Wow! I’m Hot Scoop, with the Canterlot Herald. Pleased to meetcha!” Twilight goggled for a split second, but recovered her smile. “Yes! We are always happy to meet with the press,” she lied. “Great. I have to say, I could smell a story here from halfway across town. Can we get a picture of the two of you?” She gestured to a nondescript gray stallion with a stony face and carrying a massive camera bag. “Of course we can!” Twilight scooped Fine Mane under her wing and pulled him in before he could escape. She grinned her best camera smile, which only gave her the look of a pony possibly turning carnivorous. The bulb flashed with no warning. The picture was printed in full color, across the whole of the front page: Twilight and Fine Mane, several ponies arguing wildly around them, a chalkboard being wheeled into a nearby building. And, if you looked closely, you could just see a strange professor in robe and mortarboard, walking his pet goldfish.