//------------------------------// // Chapter 7: Parks and Wrecks // Story: Monster Hunter: Equestria // by Bugsydor //------------------------------// \|/-HHH Campus: the Track-\|/ Believe it or not, I was a bit of a racehorse as a filly. I’d even beat future Wonderbolts like Rainbow Dash, before my cutie mark came in and my eyes started to go wonky. Ooh that was a rough couple of years. But I got better! Mostly. Haven't crashed into anything I didn't mean to in weeks. But that's beside the point. Anyhow. Loved racing as a filly. Even liked to do my mail route at speed in Ponyville, depending on how lucky I was feeling that day. Making myself go fast wasn't a problem, and was even something I enjoyed. It was doing it on-hoof that was killing me. “What I don't –” *huff* “– undahstand is –” I took a few deep breaths in and out to try to calm my heart after crossing the finish line about onety seconds ahead of a huffing and puffing Thunderhead who looked to be having an even worse time than me “– why I can't just fly these laps. I’m not outta shape, I swear, but this runnin’ll be the end a’ me.” “You’re not out of shape… for a civilian,” Bon Bon said, barely sweating at all, “but where you were before won't cut it when you’ve got monsters breathing down your neck. It might suck now, but you’ll thank me for it later when you're acting as live bait in a goblin warren so Steely can blow them all to Tartarus.” Steely waved on hearing his name, only a little sweatier than Bon Bon. “Seriously, though,” she continued, “the running is to train your heart and your muscles, not your magic.” I gave her and Steely's legs a cross-eyed glare. “Training your magic starts later today.” Figuring I’d done enough trotting-in-place for my mandatory post-run cooldown, I let myself collapse to the turf. “Does that include more running for the earth ponies?” I asked. “Yes, and a bit of flying and weather for you and Thunderhead, and telekinesis exercises for Golden Gleam. But the main idea is to help you all with the expression of your special talents.” “Especially mine, right?” “Especially everypony's,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Just because a talent’s special doesn't mean it's wholly unique, and even a natural can benefit from expert training. Golden Gleam could use some work on rapid construct creation under pressure, Steely Hoof could use some pointers on targeted life transfusion, Thunderhead needs convincing that there's more to weaponized weather than a lightning bolt to the center of mass… Hay, I’m going to use that time to compare notes on alchemy with Zecora. That zebra knows things about herbs that Equestrian alchemists haven't even guessed at, and I’d bet chocolates to chips that her continued survival in the Everfree Forest isn't just thanks to her winning personality. “And you, Derpy, will get somepony to teach you how to have ‘accidents’ on purpose. Your talent is a rare one, but luckily, Celestia had somepony on tap. I think you’ll like her.” \|/-HHH Campus: Field 2-\|/ Weapons training was actually kinda fun that day, if also kinda gross. We got to learn about axes. All kinds of axes. “Axes," Bon Bon said, “are good for when you want to chop something tough, rather than try to smash or slice it. Great for decapitating vampires and zombies – which is the most reliable way to kill them when you don't have a convenient cliff to throw them off of – and the best weapon for hacking a timber wolf to kindling short of a flamme bon.” Steely’s metal hoof shot up. “No, Steely, you may not have a flamme bon. Those are for Special Occasions, and taste terrible besides.” Steely retracted his hoof with a sheepish grin. Before that day, when I’d thought of axes, it was always a mouth-axe for chopping trees or firewood. Those were a bit different from what we were working with at HHH campus. For starters, all of these axes had round edges rather than flattish ones. Steely told me they were like that so a hit from any angle would be a direct hit, rather than a glancing blow. Aside from maybe Bon Bon, he was the best at axes in the team. “Yes, Thunderhead. Strapping on more axes does make you more dangerous, but mostly to yourself until you're properly trained. Wings or hooves, but not both until I check off on it.” Thunderhead screwed up his face for a few seconds, and then grudgingly put down the hoof axes and made his way back to the training... uh… dummies. “Golden Gleam, axes are not swords. You swing them to build up speed for a good chop, not thrust and hope it's sharp enough! That's why it has a handle.” You see, we were given a couple of different types of things to hack at with our axes. The first was specially shaped bundles of sticks— “Come on, Steely! I’ve seen you kick innocent doors harder than that. Hay, I can hit harder than that, and I’ve been selling candy for the past umpty years! Try a chop that lame in the field, and you’ll be fertilizer!” —Which was meant to be like hitting a timber wolf, while the other, was— “Oof. Good work, Thunderhead,” Bon Bon said after a spray of brains and teeth. “Love your enthusiasm. Good to see you’re not afraid to get your wings dirty. Maybe work on your precision a bit, though. The neck’s a little further down, and a lot easier to get through.” —Pig carcasses. Slightly rotten pig carcasses. Bon Bon said it was to simulate beating on an undead corpse, but I suspected that it was at least partly to test our stomachs. I almost ended up needing a new lunch after axe practice, if you catch my downwash. Chopping mock-timberwolves to pieces was fun, though. Breaking things can actually be pretty satisfying when you do it on purpose. Turns out wings are surprisingly good for chopping! Especially if you twist the right way to throw your weight into it. I wouldn't have wanted to use wing-axes while flying, though I’ve heard it can look really impressive to hack a log in two with a high-speed twirl. \|/- — -\|/ “Blech,” I said after cleaving through my last pig’s neck for the day. “Picking the twigs and gore outta my wings is gonna be just offal.” “You're telling me,” Goldie replied, setting down the axe she’d held in her magic. “You’ve got to have real guts to be in this line of work.” “Not to be a stick in the mud,” Steely chimed in as he spat out his mouth-axe and bent down to unfasten the axes from his hooves, “but those puns were in terrible –” he paused to smirk up at Goldie “– taste.” I rolled my eyes (out-of-sync), but smiled anyway. Goldie saw my face and released the laugh she’d been holding prisoner. “Anyhow, Derps,” Goldie said as she started making her way to the showers, “I’d be glad to help you get cleaned up if you’d return the favor.” She cast a distasteful glance at her coat, which was only mostly free of debris. “I’m sure Steely would take you up on the offer if you asked him, but it's probably best not to encourage him.” She stuck her tongue out at her brother. “Refusin’ would just be rude. Momma would have you know, sis, that it's terrible impolite to tell a lady in distress that you can't be asked to help.” It was clearly the time for a change of subject, before either one could comment on my growing blush. “So,” I said, “speaking of offal, where do ya figure Bon Bon got her hooves on all those dead pigs?” Golden Gleam jumped in without breaking stride. “Butchers. They mostly cater to gryphons and minotaurs in the more metropolitan cities, but they can't always sell off all their stock, so you can get stuff cheap if ya ain’t too concerned about freshness.” My smile curdled a little at that last thought. “But why would you want to buy rotten meat? I mean, I used to eat a lot of fish back in my racing days. Still do sometimes, for old slimes’ sake. But—” “There's a difference between ‘not fresh’ and ‘rotten’,” Goldie interjected, “and the space between those is called ‘jerky’. It's not the tastiest thing I’ve ever had to eat but, pound-for-pound, it's way more energy-dense than any grain you’d care to name, and lasts about as long. That's what army logistics cares about.” Steely snickered. “Sis, you're such an egghead.” “Says the colt who would stay up all night playing with his chemistry set, trying to make it explode,” she shot back. “Hey, I only did that four times!” “Right. Because after that, the EUP recruiter gave you some real toys to work with.” \|/-HHH Campus: Parade Grounds-\|/ “Now that you're all cleaned up, it’s time to get dirty again. Me, Steely Hoof, Golden Gleam, and Thunderhead are going to work on our tribal magic for the rest of today. Thunderhead, you're in the clouds over there. Golden Gleam, you're starting in the library. Steely Hoof, I’ll meet you on the buckball court. Now hop to it!” My fellow rookies saluted and trotted off. “You, though,” Bon Bon continued, “are going to get right to work with your specialist.” An emerald-green pegasus mare chose that instant to come in for an earth-shaking landing in front of us. “Derpy,” Bon Bon said as she gestured at the chartreuse-maned newcomer, “meet Special Agent Lucky of Their Royal Highnesses’ Secret Service. She’s here to help you get control over your entropy magic. Lucky, this is Derpy Hooves, the recruit I mentioned who killed a vampire with nothing but hoof, wing, and some self-made luck.” The goliath green pegasus – she was about the size of Big Macintosh – grinned sweetly as she stepped forward for a hoofbump of greeting. But then she tripped over a loose stone that I could swear wasn't there a second ago, sending my poor, running-abused body crashing to the earth beneath her bulk. And then, in a voice so improbably squeaky it made Pinkie's sound like a contralto, she said “Um, hi!” Bon Bon smirked and said “Okay you two. Try not to do too much damage to Triple H Campus while I’m gone,” and walked off to where Steely Hoof was having an animated discussion with the earth magic trainer. “So,” I said as I squeezed out from under her, “you're here to teach me how to control my tragic so I don't clobber my own team?” “Yup!” she said in her impossibly squeaky voice while standing back up. “With my help, you’ll be flattening enemies instead of coworkers in no time.” We took a couple seconds to dust ourselves off. “Maybe now that we’ve gotten first impressions taken care of,” she lazily kicked the offending rock away, “you could show me around campus? I haven’t seen this place before, and I need to know where to go to sort you out.” \|/-HHH Campus: Park-\|/ “For such a new facility, this place really has nice trees,” Lucky said as she strode ahead. Have you ever tried to keep pace with a bigger pony? I’m pretty sure I was getting almost as good a workout as my earth pony teammates on that buckball court out in the distance. I guess I could have flown, but I didn't trust my luck just then. “Yeah, the trees are nice. When I asked Crimson Tape about it, he said something about transplants and earth pony magic. He and Bon Bon sure do care about making this place look nice, even if it does feel kinda empty with just the few of us running around it.” “She did seem pretty proud of it when we spoke. Say, what's that over there?” she squeaked, rubbernecking right into my path. I’d been moving at a brisk trot to keep up with Lucky's gargantuan stride, and it just happened that her neck was at the perfect height to clothesline me. Which it did a pretty good job of. “Derpy? Derpy?” she queried, shaking her head back and forth to find me, and shaking me along with it. “Where’d you go? Are you okay?” “Here,” I wheezed out. “Up here. A brittle winded. Ditzy. Had blurse.” 'Isn’t she supposed to be helping you control your own magic?’ 'Shut up, Shadow.’ She craned her neck enough to see she was wearing me like a scarf, gave me what I thought was a relieved or embarrassed look, and gently lowered me to the ground. Once she saw I’d gained my hooves again, she said, “Sorry about that. Guess I was a little bit preoccupied. I don't get to spend much time teaching. “What is that building back there, anyway?” I turned to look where her massive wing was pointing. “Pretty sure that’s a gardening shed. For the groundskeepers to take care of the grass and trees and stuff.” “Huh. That makes sense.” She turned around the rest of the way and started moseying towards it. “So, uh,” I said as she drifted around the shed and I pursued, “What kind of stuff do ya do on Their Highnesses’ Secret Surface? Can't say I’ve heard of ya before.” Lucky snickered. “We wouldn’t be a very good secret service if everypony knew about us, now would we?” Couldn't really argue with that. “But it can't be all that different from what you’re used to. Following orders and answering uncomfortable questions, mostly. Usually it's all ‘Go handle this assignment, Lucky’ or 'Where the hay did that cake come from anyway, Lucky?’ or 'Are you finished sabotaging that sensitive surveillance equipment, Lucky?’, to which the answers would be 'Sure thing, boss!’, 'Random windfall I was on my way to deposit in the royal treasury, sir!’, and 'Not certain, but I feel like if I step here…’” At which point she stepped on an erstwhile empty garden hose with a back hoof, waited half-a-second, and kicked out, soaking me with a blast of high-pressure water to the face. No way that one was an accident. “Okay, WHAT THE HAY?!” I shouted and let out a two-hoofed stomp. “Tripping on me coulda been bad luck. Clotheslining me could have been confusion or clumsiness on either or both our parts. But blasting me in  the face with a flipping garden hose?! Why, I’m so mad I could—” And then I noticed the potted posies arcing swiftly toward her head on a steep trajectory from Ponyville, only to be intercepted by a really high velocity buckball that sent it crashing into a wall. And then the ball bounced into Bon Bon’s goal where she was training with Steely. I heard the sound of enormous hooves clapping behind me. I spun back around to stare at the applauding Lucky. “Now that’s what I’m talking about, Derpy. I’m impressed! Not only did it take a lot of feather-ruffling to trigger a discharge, but look at the results! High-velocity terra cotta, from the next town over. That is some range! Would have given me one horse of a headache, too, if I hadn't been ready for it.” I cocked my head, flabbergasted. “Ready for it? Wait, that was all on-porpoise? But— But why?” “Oh yeah. You didn't think that buckball just saved me by chance, did you?” She let out an amused snort. “And yes, that was all on-purpose. I don't like to hurt or embarrass ponies if I can help it, but your file said you don't have conscious control over your entropy magic yet, and it also said that you tend to have discharges when you're upset, so…” She did that adorable lazy hoof kick thing again. “Think you can forgive me? I had to see your magic in action myself if I was going to help you, and it wouldn't have worked if I told you what I was doing…” I took a few deep breaths in and out, a little anger and chagrin flowing away with each breath. “Well, you’ve seen it now. What do ya think?” She held out three feathers and started  ticking them off. “Three things. I think you have a lot of potential to help your team fight monsters and save lives. I think I have enough of a picture of how your magic works now that with my help and a little training, you’ll be able to control your magic and use it to kick tail. Also,” she said, ticking off the final feather, “I think that we got off on the wrong hoof. Mind if we start over?” She stepped forward, holding out her hoof for a hoofbump of greeting. “Hi, I’m Lucky, of Their Royal Highnesses’ Secret Service. I’m here to train you how to better use your entropy magic.” I held up a hoof and returned the bump. “And I’m Derpy Hooves, of Her Highness's Hunters. I’m here to learn to kick monster tail instead of my own.” “Pleased to meet you.” In the distance, I could hear Bon Bon forcefully telling Steely Hoof that “lucky bounces” didn't count when there were multiple chaos mages in the area. “Alright,” Lucky said. “Now that that's sorted out, let's get to work. From what I can tell so far, your magic is partially emotion-based…”