After his episode that focused on the Equus Cup and how an uphauling mess that was the FIHA organization still remained a ‘non-profit’ (despite draining money from other countries like parasites), Discord decided to take some time in order to look over what he had discussed in previous episodes and realized a… somewhat common trend. From his first episode onward, there was always some kind of jab at the Royal Guard from their best personal record being 3 out of 10 during target practice to when two guards were arguing over Princess Twilight’s book in the middle of Canterlot when Luna was covering for him. But, he never had done a piece that actually was about the Royal Guard.
So, in order to prepare for this, Discord needed to be able to learn more about the subject from an… expert, so to speak. That expert being Shining Armor, for he served as a Captain of the Royal Guard before getting married to Princess Cadence. In the Draconequus’ mind, his experience being in the Royal Guard would definitely help with the subject, because there was a lot of things that Discord wanted to cover in this piece. All of which, seemed rather important… especially with some of the news about the royal guard being overshadowed by practically everything else out in the world.
But there was one perfect way in order to start off the show this evening to get the crowd’s attention. And that was by putting in something really funny and adorable to get the crowd laughing as he had the introduction for his episode begin. “Welcome, Welcome to Last Week Tonight! I’m Discord, thank you so much for joining us and tonight, we have a lot to cover. So sit back and relax because this is going to get interesting.” He explained to them, straightening out his black suit jacket before introducing his audience to the topic of the evening.
“Our main story concerns The Royal Guard… otherwise referred to by many as ‘those stallions who stand around in armor all day’ or as this suggests… A sleeping post for a very tired princess.”
That was followed by a clip what looked like Twilight standing next to a royal guard, before falling asleep and leaning on a Royal Guard standing next to her… as that guard was still trying to maintain his composure. Which, had the entire crowd laughing in response as Discord decided to speak up after the clip ended. “You know what I like about that… The fact that guard in that clip was doing his best to try and not wake her up by saying ‘Senpai noticed me!!’.”
Another laugh was followed shortly after that, before the spirit of chaos began to continue speaking. “Now… you might recall some of the previous times that we have talked about the Royal Guard on the side from their ‘record’ of hitting 3 out of 10 shots in target practice, to when Luna told you about two guards, who were supposed to be on duty protecting Celestia, were instead arguing about Twilight’s new book… But tonight, we’re going to look at the royal guard in it’s entirely. Most specifically, because of instances like this.”
“Sources have told EBC news that during the friendship festival, the Royal Guard was given a day off by Celestia… because they were not expecting any attacks on Equestria’s capital. Even though they were inviting foreign diplomats from neighboring countries.”
All that did was cause Discord to facepaw himself before looking back at the camera. “Are you f*cking kidding me? Celestia, I get that you have a celebration going on, but you have to at least have some form of security during high profile events. You can’t treat this like a potluck at a public park and just wing it with whatever you bring to the gathering.” That was followed by a picture of all the leaders of different countries sitting around a table and conversing amongst themselves… in the middle of Ponyville’s local park.
“More importantly though… this seems almost a repeat occurrence with something big happening and the Royal Guard not present to protect the public,” Discord continued as he began to count them off. “During the Royal Wedding, they were there for the ceremony, but scattered shortly after the changelings broke in and caused massive pandemonium… Then there was Tirek, where the guards were left utterly defenseless when the Centaur drank up their magic like it was a soda concession at a movie theater… And lets not forget when Chrysalis was back for revenge when she kidnapped everypony expect for Thorax, Starlight, Trixie and… of course, yours truly and we had to rescue everypony.”
With that, the picture on the main screen soon returned to the title image as the draconequus continued to speak. “So for tonight, let’s talk about the royal guard… how it’s set up, what are the cadets being trained, who do they serve the most, how prepared are they when an all out crisis begins and… just for the heck of it, what exactly do they do in their off time? And I mean, what do they do other than arguing about friendship lessons in Twilight’s book.” That last statement was followed by a brief image of the argument that he was referring to, shortly before changing it back to the title image and addressing the first question.
“So, let’s start with the first question… How is the royal guard set up?” The draconequus spoke up as he looked back at the audience. “Well, earlier this week, I had the chance to be able to speak with Shining Armor, Former Captain of the Royal Guard and Princess Cadence’s personal snuggle pony… and here’s what he told me.”
“Well, before you can be able to become a part of the Royal Guard or any of it’s divisions, there’s supposed to be an entrance exam to show that you have the traits and qualifications to fit this position. There’s both a written test and also a physical test, and you need to do well in order to pass and be accepted.”
“Are these tests the same thing across the board or does it vary somehow? Like are there testing areas aside from Canterlot?”
“No. Everypony is administered the test in a training facility underneath Canterlot Castle and they must go through the same thing. However, your score on the tests determine where you are deployed as a cadet. And each station goes through different kinds of training, no matter who’s in charge.”
Discord took a moment to catch his breath as he looked back at the crowd. “He’s right… The recruitment tests all take place in Canterlot, but your score can also affect where you are stationed. That sounds less like recruitment for a military and more like placement levels in specialized schools… Why else do you think there are special ed classes in schools nowadays? You’ve got to tell me that such a thing isn’t a coincidence.”
That was seen as comical for a brief moment… until Discord got to some of the more serious bits of the piece. “However, when Shining says that each station goes through different kinds of training… that is not exactly good. Because once a year, the Royal Guard hosts a joint exercise with all the different stations across Equestria. And one of the biggest problems that is noticed from those exercises is that since numerous different soldiers were trained very differently from one another, when you put a group of them together from different deployments, they can’t be able to work together because they don’t understand what they are talking about.”
Hearing that had a lot of the crowd surprised… but Discord had a perfect tidbit to add on to it. “The only other place that you would find better coordination than these guys would be at the annual Filly Scout Jamboree,” That was followed by what looked like a troop of Filly Scouts beating a random group of Royal Guard cadets in various exercises and getting awards for it afterwards. “See? Those fillies really need to be well coordinated if they are going to be selling you boxes of cookies. Trust me… it already worked on me.”
It was then that Discord had a huge stockpile of Filly Scout cookies lay on his desk before passing some of them around for his guests to have as a snack, before picking up where he left off. “The point is though… if training them to do their jobs is so dysfunctional, then who the hell is actually in charge of it? You may remember one other pony that we had mentioned before called Scorched Ash. The same mare that we pointed out is the Captain of the Royal Guard, but also famously smashed Shining Armor through a wall… So we asked her that same question and her response… was a bit shocking.”
“Most of the ponies that are in charge of different platoons are have connections with very powerful nobles. A lot of them, who… to say the least… had the ‘old Blueblood’ mindset. There are only a few ponies that are like me, who think that the guard should be for protecting everypony, but Shining Armor is in the Crystal Empire and I am only in charge of the Canterlot division.”
“Seriously? Has anypony ever tried to speak up about it?”
“Some do, but most are too afraid. Because speaking up against a commander will lead to you to get scolded, demoted or even being discharged. Going as far as making up statements that you threatened a commanding officer just because you were trying to do something right.”
Hearing that had everypony in the crowd stunned. Some to the point where they almost dropped their cookies and Discord had to use his magic to make sure they didn’t drop on the floor. “Woah… Getting kicked out for trying to do something right… That’s not a way to discharge a soldier from service. That’s what happens when you stand up to a mean mare when you are in their social group,” The image showed a scenario of Spoiled Rich looking at somepony else that was trying to defend what looked like Diamond Tiara as the draconequus began to impersonate Spoiled, going as far as to have his head look exactly like hers and take on her voice too. “You there! You no longer part of our group and I’m calling the guards on you for trying to filly-nap my daughter! I don’t care if you say that wasn’t the truth. What you say is fake news!!”
Changing back to his normal self now, he then looked back at the audience as he took a deep breath. “Now, the relationship between the guard and the cities and communities that they are serving is supposed to be a cornerstone for civilized society. But rushed training and improper conduct while on the job has caused this relationship to whither. Which brings us to the second question that we are trying to answer tonight… What are they being trained? And for that, let’s start with the basics. Now, as all members of the guard will tell you, no matter what rank you are in the force, they have a very dangerous and particularly challenging job to do, but that’s all the more reason that it and the training required for the job is done to the highest standard… The Cakes back at Sugarcube Corner have a challenging job, but the only thing that would happen if one of them f*cks up is that you get a cake that ends up wishing somepony a ‘Happy Analversary’.”
Of course, that was followed by the image of the exact cake that Discord was talking about, with the pink lettering on the cake spelling out ‘Happy Analversary Cranky and Matilda’. “It’s obviously not ideal… but who knows? Maybe it’s their analversary too…” The draconequus shrugged at that, before getting back on topic and having the image change back to the title picture. “Now, earlier in the show, it was mentioned by Shining Armor that each branch trains their cadets different and when we looked into it, that was what we found. However though… what was really troubling was that certain mandatory training sessions that are required from all branches were cast off as ‘optional’ in some cities like Las Pegasus and also San Franciscolt. Including… and this is true… Emergency Preparedness. However, one of the commanders for that branch in San Franciscolt tried to play it off rather differently.”
“We don’t need it because as a guard, you’re supposed to be prepared at all times. Not to mention the fact that most of us are lucky that something doesn’t happen to them or this city-”
“Okay, stop right there…” Discord interrupted in the middle of the clip. “For the record… nopony can ever be very prepared at all times. Twilight and her friends happen to find that out every single week… and secondly, he’s referring to luck as it is some kind of superpower… which is obviously bullsh*t,” He pointed out. “Because my good friend from our Personal Protection piece, the one who did the PSA… would tell you this.”
“Luck isn’t a superpower… It’s certainly not very cinematic…”
“He’s right!” Discord proclaimed, before adding an extra tidbit to get some more laughs, “Though, if anypony else says that it is, let’s just meet in the middle and say no it isn’t… This is just only a small piece of an even bigger problem… because if the Guard aren’t prepared to be able to do their job, bad things can happen and they won’t be able to do anything about it. And nopony would like it when something is going on and a guard is standing there and says ‘I’m not trained for that. It’s not my f*cking problem’.”
That had the crowd chuckle in response as the draconequus shifted images again back to the title screen. “And this isn’t just exclusive to one city… in fact, journalists have found that Canterlot was the only place where the guards at the castle get complete training out of all the other departments and are even seen by the princess afterwards… yet, there was one instance when some rookies were lined up in front of the princess… and when a bee stung them, they ended up saying the one thing that you should NOT ever say to Celestia.”
“Argh, buck! Celestia’s flaming tits!!”
That had a lot of the crowd gasp in shock and surprise, including Discord as he began to form a response. “Come on!! I know that’s funny, but you can’t say that in front of the princess!! That’s like calling me a Crazy Chimera! That’s is insulting and supposed to be something you keep locked up inside your head! It’s an indoor thought!!”
The crowd went off in an uproar of laughter, just around the same time that he cleared his throat and began to speak… “So… after what happens with their training, whether complete or not, you would think that the Royal Guard are used to protect the public right? Well, just two weeks ago, the Environmental Secretary of Canterlot… and a guy who looks like a potential criminal mastermind in the world of the Power Ponies… might give us some light as to where some of these ponies end up going.
“The Environmental Secretary, Oak Tree, is under fire tonight by members of the Canterlot Council. Questioning him about certain unnecessary expenses, including a full on security team of Royal Guards for both him and his wife.”
That… had Discord’s eyes widen immensely. “A full on security team? That’s like five ponies guarding one pony each and this is for a couple. Making that ten ponies! The only reason why it would ever be necessary to have that big of a security team should be if Songbird Serenade and Countess Coloratura were to do a surprise Duet at Colt-chella! And you would have to agree with me on the fact that if they did sing together, they would blow the roof off…… and in the sense that they actually have to have a roof built over the event so they can blow it off and launch it into space afterwards.”
The image of such an event, and with Songbird Serenade and Countess Coloratura performing a duet, was enough for the crowd to start laughing uncontrollably. “And it’s not just guards being asked to escort ponies like that… Many guards usually patrol around the castle, which is normal… but what’s really weird is that sometimes, guards are told to stay clear of so called ‘problem areas’ at particular times, claiming that it might be too dangerous for them. And that sounds suspicious. Because if you are a guard, you’re supposed to be going towards danger… not away from it. No soldier in the history of the Royal Guard has gotten an award for cowardly avoiding problems.”
It was a valid point… but also, there was one thing Discord needed to add to that. “But here is what’s shocking… it turns out that there may be a reason for them avoiding those zones… and you are not going to believe why… or for that matter, who had the balls to talk about it…”
“Many Nobles have ties with the Royal Guard to the point that they are considered like acting generals… back in the day, I felt the same way and had soldiers avoid certain areas because that was where some of us were going to be… and some nobles took advantage of that to basically do whatever they want and take what they thought was there's.”
“So… are you saying that the nobles stole from those who the guard are supposed to be protecting from crime in the first place?”
“Yes and when a guard actually spots someone doing it, they ended up getting ratted out by everypony else. They just assume that they were ignoring orders, only for the truth to actually be much different.”
That… left a lot of ponies surprised… especially when Discord said who that stallion was. “That was none other that Prince F*cking Blueblood telling us that the Nobles hold the Royal Guard in the base of their hooves like a supervillain who has a mole in the Maretropolis Police Department,” The Draconequus explained. “It’s definitely not what any of us would expect… but at least it shows that he’s being committed to his new year's resolution this year.”
An image of a scroll that said ‘New years resolution- Don’t be a douche’ was now shown as it was also signed by Prince Blueblood, which got the crowd laughing their flanks off, before the spirit of chaos got their attention again. “So, out of everything you have seen and heard so far… you might feel that you are going to make yourself sick if you hear anything else. But you are going to have to pace yourself… because that same philosophy of staying away from danger leads to the second to last question that we have to answer, which is how prepared are they… Well, remember that joint exercise from earlier? You know, the one where I compared groups of them to filly scouts at a jamboree? Well, that exercise that they were doing was supposed to be a mock emergency, where ponies would only have a limited amount of time to try and respond to a crisis and figure out how to solve a problem. Well… It turns out that out of the twelve squads that they formed for the exercise, only two actually passed… which, in essence, is another academy record.”
That had the crowd laugh another time as Discord brought up the target practice record from the ‘Royalty’ episode. “They can go right next to each other in whatever they call a hall of fame,” He took a moment to pause and straighten up his jacket, shortly before getting back on track. “But those kind of lackluster records aren’t exactly good for the rest of us. Because it means that out of the hundreds of ponies who have a position as a guard, only a hoof-full of them know what they are actually doing, which doesn’t really inspire confidence… Remember the cake decorator joke I made earlier? Picture that, put them next to a line of other cake decorators and would it inspire confidence if only one of them have not screwed up your cake to say ‘Happy Analversary’...”
And finally, that was when Discord got to the last point that they were needing to reach. “So… with that in mind… and everything that you have heard of so far… What the hell do these guys do in their spare time when they are ignoring nobles doing something douchey, not succeeding at emergency drills and accidentally using Celestia’s unmentionables as profane language… Well, the answer to that might surprise you.”
“On their off time, members of the Royal Guard have their own way of having fun. Sometimes it’s books and board games… other times it’s roleplaying and dressing up. Some even go as far as putting on makeup so their appearance can resemble that of a mare.”
That… had Discord, along with everypony else in the crowd, not believe what they just witnessed. It even had the draconequus have his eyes come out of his socket, so he could clean them with a handkerchief and putting them back in, just to make sure he was seeing it right. “Okay… it is really disturbing to see that, but I really need to tell them that if they are trying to somehow act pretty… they’re doing it wrong. Big Macintosh did a better job at that and the only reason why he was doing it was because Applejack was out of town and Apple Bloom needed a substitute for the Sisterhooves Social. These guys have no reason for doing it whatsoever!!”
An image of a disguised Big Mac was soon presented as he was hugging Apple Bloom in a rather awkward picture. Shortly before the spirit of chaos took a deep breath. “So that… at its core, is the Royal Guard. The ponies that are supposed to Serve and Protect, even though they are always somehow f*cking up the one job that was assigned to them. Now comes the question… what are we going to do to fix that? Well, for starters, Scorched Ash is working with Shining Armor in order to reform the royal guard and also make it to where the ponies in charge of particular divisions have no conflicts of interest. Which is great… However, the problem is, there are not a lot of ponies that have the qualifications to fill those vacancies. Yet… I would like to suggest one idea.”
That had the crowd seem a little bit confused as they looked back at Discord. “You might recall that two weeks ago, I happened to have a rather… enlightening conversation with Tempest Shadow. Former commander of the Storm King’s legion and now a special effects artist in Applewood. She was the one who lead the attack on Canterlot in the first place… So, why not have her play a role in defending us from future attacks? Because at this moment… your safety is in the hooves of a bunch of ponies who think that pretending to be mares is the best way to spend free time. And that leaves it with the question that we all need to ask ourselves… would you trust them… or would you trust somepony who knows a thing or two about military experience to protect you? If it were me, I would put my bet on Tempest.”
The Following day…
The sound of hooves knocking on the door to Tempest’s apartment was what woke up the former commander of the Storm King’s armada as the unicorn slowly woke up out of her bed. It had been a month since she was asked to be a special effects artist for a movie mogul here in Equestria’s movie capital and much longer since the defeat of the Storm King. She had been doing… alright for the most part. Helping with guard duty at Twilight’s school on the side and making ends meet with her job here. However… being here was not what she thought it would be like. She really wanted to change herself and thought that a new career would help that.
Yet, there were two things that she did not take into account… matter of fact, three things. First, there was the fact that she was being paid by the hour… and not making as much of a profit as others in the same field. Second, she had come to learn that a lot of the professionals in this line of work… were extremely sexist. And lastly, there was the fact that the pay that she was getting… was only just enough in order to pay her rent.
And in Tempest’s mind, she thought that the pony banging at the door was her landlord. “Urgh… I’m coming… Just give me a minute!” She said, rushing over to the door and opening it. “Mister, I told you that I paid my rent last week-”
However… much to her surprise… who she found at the door was not her landlord. But somepony entirely different. It was a white stallion with a multi shaded navy mane and tail and he was wearing some formal attire. “Excuse me, is this the residence of Tempest Shadow?” He didn't get his answer right away. Instead, Tempest’s eyes beamed by the sheer beauty that was this stallion. Her imagination took a hold of her as she imagined him posing various positions with some love song she had heard of in a studio next door.
“Oh… you can call me anything you want.” She flattered.
“Wow… um… okay, that was definitely different than what Twilight told me,” Shining muttered to himself, even though Tempest could still hear him. “Can I come in?”
“... One second.” She closed the door and hastily cleaned everything up before reopening the door, sweating hard. “Come right in! Lemonade?”
“Um, sure,” He replied, before coming on inside and taking a seat while Tempest was preparing a couple glasses of lemonade. It was during this that the unicorn noticed the stallion looking around the room for a moment and also looking at the corner of the room where she had her old equipment from when she was a commander of the storm king. “Can I ask you something, Tempest?”
“Oh, sure. But is it alright if I can ask you something in return?”
“Sure, go on ahead.” The Stallion insisted. “Ladies first after all.”
“... Are you single?”
That… had the stallion pause for a moment, before raising an eyebrow. “Um… that’s a new one. But to answer your question… I’m married. In fact, if I recall correctly, my wife was at Canterlot Castle when the Storm King invaded. All while I had to look over my daughter back at the Crystal Empire.” Some glass shattering could be heard nearby. Everything went dark as a spotlight was over Tempest, who felt shame.
“My chance at finding a special somepony… dashed away…”
“Um… Tempest, are you okay?” She heard the stallion asked, before looking back at her. “I still wanted to ask you my question.”
“... Go ahead… I bet your wife’s got a long horn, about a good 9 inches.”
“My wife is Princess Cadence,” The sound of a loud record scratching went through Tempest’s mind at that moment, before getting back to her senses as she heard the stallion continue to speak “Still… Let me say something first… My name is Shining Armor. I’m the captain of the Royal Guard in Canterlot alongside a few other ponies. We’ve been trying to improve the guard and my sister, Twilight, told me that you had a lot of… experience when it comes to the military.”
“All of that is true… and you're married to that princess? Why? Has she done anything… well… interesting besides making two ponies fall in love with each other who may be in fact siblings?”
“That… is complicated… but my wife is not the reason why I am here…” Shining told her, taking a sip of lemonade from a glass that Tempest had set down earlier before continuing to speak. “I’m here because I have an offer for you… it’s come to light recently that a large portion of the Royal Guard needs major fixing, but it’s something that I can’t do alone… Which is why I have a proposal… And where I ask you my question. Would you like to be a consultant for the Royal Guard?”
“... Eh, sure.”
Shining… was personally surprised by that quick of a response. “Wow… I honestly did not think you would say yes that quickly… I mean, would you like to hear the details of it? Because you’re getting paid twice that of the job you have and-”
“I already know that you need someone like me to get your men in shape. Trust me, I saw how your guards were too busy in the bunkers playing dress up during my invasion. And believe me, it's hard to leave the army, let alone, work with a bunch of bigots here who only make movies where the Canterlot guards are supposed to be awesome, but do the opposite. Objectify mares, put so much product placements around, and focus on explosions that look more fake than Gruber saying he's on a diet.”
“...... Alright then. You’re hired.” Shining told her. “I was going to mention that you also get your own room in Canterlot and not need to worry about Rent, but looks like we don’t have to worry about that now.” With it, the stallion got up and looked back at her, asking one more question. “Would you like some help with moving your stuff? I thought I was going to be around here longer and I still have forty five minutes before the chariot comes to take me back to Canterlot.”
“Whatever you feel like. But you're taking my stuff there and I’m taking the chariot out of here.” She walked out of the front door and walked down the hallway. As she left, the closet door open and out fell a mix of trash and important looking stuff.
Which, left Shining with just a sigh as he had to dig himself out of the mess. “ …… Welcome to the Guard then… I guess.”