My Twilight Facade

by axelsempai


That Thing About Bad Decisions

I trudged into the dining room, unkempt and miserable. My hooves pounded against wooden floor boards with dull thuds that echoed mournfully. It was with a sullen, swaying gait that I strode into the room and sat heavily in a chair I conjured moments before I fell. My gaze bore ahead thousands of yards beyond the walls that enclosed me.

The Pie family stared at me, unsure and unwilling to ask what shot my mood. After all, I was at least animated the day before, and my demeanor this time was far too dour to excuse as morning grogginess.

Pinkie was absent for the moment, likely to make breakfast for everypony. It was nice of her to cook, even though she was still just a guest at the time. She's a nice pony.

Cloudy Quartz ventured a common question to probe my response. "Didst thou... sleep well?"

"Ab-so-lutely." I answered slowly with a heavy nod.

They all shared looks, but said nothing. Not much to say.

Igneous tried next. "Didst thou perform an act of regret?"

I slowly looked at him and pursed my lips. "I regret lots of things I've done. Last night wasn't one of them."

"So you're still a virgin?" Limestone asked tactlessly.

I glared wide eyed at that. "I'll deflower you with a pine cone."

She actually chuckled at that.

The entrance suddenly burst into bright activity as the premier pink pony bounced into the room possibly the happiest I've ever seen her. She twirled and hummed with great vigor, telling the whole world and anyone in earshot how wonderful she felt. Precariously balanced on her back were many plates of indeterminate brown food stuffs and a single empty bowl. With one twist of her body, each plate launched onto the table before her family, surprising nopony. She then pranced to my side and gently placed the bowl in front of me.

She got real close to me, smiling all the while. "I have something special for you."

My eyes rolled to her direction, wide with a glare of both fear and anticipation. She chuckled at my reaction and disappeared in a puff of smoke. She reappeared moments later with a small cardboard box and a bottle of milk. She poured both items' contents into the bowl and pat my shoulder, lingering her hoof for just a few moments longer than I felt comfortable.

I stared into my bowl wordlessly. Colorful rocks floated and swirled around the bowl, a fireworks display of sugary delight that falsely promised a balanced breakfast. They were tiny rocks. Fruity Pebbles.

I laughed.


I stood at the sink, gently washing the dishes. I volunteered to do it, pushing through any and all objections to the contrary. It was good to get my mind in a routine. I was feeling better. There was some conversation a few rooms away I couldn't quite hear. They couldn't have been discussing anything too dramatic.

"Why are you doing the dishes?"

I turned to see Maud Pie standing in the doorway. "I don't mind doing a few chores."

"You don't mind hiding things, either."

I shrugged, continuing with my cleaning. "I'm a free-thinker."

"You can't hide from her forever."

I smiled daringly at her. "Ten bits says I can."

Her face was still, but I assume there was a building tension. The last of the dishes stacked on the rack to dry, concluding the work I could get away with doing. It served its purpose, though. Maud motioned me to follow her, presumably to show me something or talk.

I followed her to the living room, finding all but Pinkie just about to walk outside. Pinkie herself smiled over at us. "Hay, you two wanna come down to the swimming hole? It has rocks!"

"Fascinating," I deadpanned. "But I'm more concerned about getting wet before boarding a train."

"You have magic for that."

"Drying off with magic isn't as easy as wringing a wet cloth, you know."

"Then use a towel!"

"I always miss a spot."

Pinkie smirked about something. "I won't miss a spot if I'm drying you."

Maud intervened on this conversation of ours. "I was hoping to take Twilight into town with me on an errand. It would give us a chance to talk."

"Everypony wants to talk to me." I muttered.

"Cool! Whatcha gonna talk about?" Pinkie asked.

"Sex."

My chest felt like it burst open. Meanwhile, Marble squeaked and nearly everypony else gaped. Limestone was the only one genuinely upset about it. "Hey, I wanted to be the one talking to her about that!"

Pinkie stomped next to Limestone angrily. "I'm not gonna let you do that, Limestone!"

"Why? It's not like there's anything stopping me!"

"It's not your place!"

"I do what I want!"

Things got a lot more complicated when Pinkie lunged on Limestone with a feral shriek. They were a tangle of flailing limbs and PG swear words as they tumbled over a couch and out of eyesight. Nothing too unusual for these two, apparently, as the parents nonchalantly walked around and made half-assed attempts at separating them.

Even Maud was calm about it, merely turning to me and saying "Now, while they're distracted."

So we hurried outside, where I silently asked what that was about. I never got a straight answer. We then slowed our pace along the long dirt path going back to town, apparently so Maud could talk about "sex". This was going to be a long walk.

We trekked halfway to Rockville and she still didn't say anything. The wait alone was killing me. "So weren't we gonna be talking, or something?"

"Yes, so start talking."

Was this her monotone way of interrogation? "You mean about last night?"

"Yes."

I groaned. "Nothing happened. We just slept in the same bed. At her insistence."

Maud said nothing, so I elected to fill more silence. "Look, it doesn't mean anything. Pinkie probably just wanted to cheer me up. After all, she's under the impression I'm sad about something. I'm not, really."

I looked over at my conversational partner, but I took her continued silence as my cue to keep talking. "Really. I'm not. I just had a bad day. Not that I have any problems with your family, but I was high on stress at the time, and I kept getting mixed signals, and I feel like an outsider again, so I'm just reacting."

We passed a bend in the road, where I was regretting my implicit agreement to this conversation by coming along. "Pinkie doesn't even like me that way. We became friends, somehow, so she feels like it's her job to cheer me up. I get it; I've been trying pretty hard to hold onto my friends for as long as I can, but that doesn't mean that Pinkie is harboring some twisted crush on me."

I growled, while Maud refused to react. "What do you want from me? Do you want a confession of my misdeeds? Because I'm a major asshole. You want me to say that I'm not good enough for her? I already knew that!"

"What?"

"I get that she's a great pony. Pinkie is so great, she could hop on up to Canterlot, ask Princess Celestia out, and she'd end up having a royal threesome with Luna! I can't compare to that! I can barely hold onto a small group of friends! I swear that one of them hates my lying ass, and the others just tolerate me because I was a useless tag-a-long for a two-hour hiking trip in the woods! What good am I?"

"Um..."

"Pinkie should be with somepony that can stand beside her, not hold her back. If I asked her out, she'd just say 'yes', and she'd be great, but she'd never really be happy with me. Really, the fact that I'm not sticking around for long is peanuts compared to that. It's totally inconceivable that she'd ever return my feelings, so I'm going to just not talk about it. Hopefully I'll get over it, and she'll never know and feel obligated to do something. She'll find somepony and they'll be totally happy."

Maud was as impassive as before. I glared hard into her, just daring her to say something.

She paced silently beside me, carefully considering her next move. Her face betrayed no emotion or mental activity, but the sum of her effort made itself known. "I'm sure you've noticed her fascination with whipped cream."

I'll admit, she caught me off guard. "Okay..."

"All you need to do is sneak into her room and cover yourself with the whipped cream. She'll take care of the rest."

I gave that scenario a bit of thought, and it was very tempting, but I shook my head with a scoff. "You're impossible."

It was tiny, but the slight upward curve of her lips spoke volumes. "And you're too easy."