You look all around you, ensuring that you're alone and head towards the bar. You wonder if you tell the bartender your story, he'll pour you a whiskey. Probably not. Alcohol be damned, you continue towards the bar, looking out for anyone you may recognize, and making sure to stay out of their way. You finally reach the bar and manage to signal down a bartender. You resist the urge to ask for the stiffest drink they have, and instead opt for a cola, which the bartender serves for you. As you go to lift the glass to your mouth, you feel another tap on your shoulder, and the creeping dread which now accompanies such a feeling. You sigh the deepest of sighs and turn to see Twilight Sparkle, clutching some kind of book.
"Hey Anon, I know you've had a lot of trouble tonight, but I've got the solution!" Twilight excitedly announced, gesturing towards her book. You take the book from her grasp and examine the cover.
Casanova Heartthrob's 1001 Chat-Up Lines
You give Twilight a look of disbelief before handing the book back to her.
"A book of pick-up lines? Really? I'm not that desperate." you say, turning back towards your drink. However, before you can savour a gulp, Twilight grabs your attention once again.
"Give it a try, Anon. The book has testimonials showing that it works, and sold over a million copies. It's got to be good!" Twilight pleads. You take the book again, reading some of the testimonials on the first page. They do seem to paint the book in a positive light. Plus Twilight knows her books, right?
"Fine..." you concede, allowing Twilight to drag you off into the club. You look back towards the bar and realize you left your drink.
"Twilight, I need to get my drink!" you shout, but she doesn't seem to hear you, and continues leading you across the club. "Twilight? Twilight! Twi-" You look back and no longer see the bar, your drink now out of view. "...Oh, forget it..."
"So," Twilight says, shuffling you into a secluded spot slightly away from the main dancefloor "Let's see what this book has to offer." She begins ruffling through the pages, scanning them at an incredible speed. You sigh, looking around for anything to bail you out of this mess. Sadly, help cannot be found.
"Ah ha!" Twilight exclaims, pointing to a certain line of text in her book. "This one will work, I'm sure of it!" she confidently states, as you lean in closer to read the excerpt.
"Twilight, are you sure? I've had a lot of disappointments tonight, I'm kinda after a sure-fire thing at this point." you say, your rather defeatist attitude evident throughout your words. Twilight responds with a confident smile.
"Just give it a try!" You roll your eyes as Twilight pushes you towards the dancefloor. You instinctively start dancing, and within a few minutes, you're face to face with a pretty looking girl, smiling back at you. Time to see if these things work.
"Hey, baby..." you uncharacteristically say. "If you were words on a page, you'd be fine print!" You manage to mask your inner cringe behind a slight smile. However, the girl opposite you does not share that expression, raising an eyebrow in confusion and turning away, mixing back in with the crowd. Oh for the love of-
"What happened, Anon?" Twilight asks, her lack of context evident in her surprised tone.
"Well, I tried the line you said, and the girl looked at me like I had two heads." You respond, failing to mask your annoyance. In responds, Twilight flicks through her book with a more frantic action, before stopping on another phrase.
"Ooh, I like this one." she enthusiastically points out her selected line. You take a look, doubt still in your mind.
"This had better work, Twi." you say, looking around the dancefloor for potential partners.
"Trust me, this one has got to work!" she responds, once again ushering you towards the dancefloor. You start dancing as best you can to blend in with the crowd. Amazingly, once again after a while, another girl is opposite you, dancing alongside you. Maybe you should just continue dancing, that seems to be working. But no, if Twilight is certain, this has to work. You wait until your eyes meet with the girl, before delivering the line.
"Hey, do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you." you say, as smoothly as you possibly can under the awkward circumstances. The girl looks confused, looking around as if to see if anyone else heard.
"What did you say?" She asks. Panicked you respond almost automatically.
"I said...do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you." You splutter, a fair bit rougher than last time. The girl looks to the floor, possible out of embarrassment, before turning back to you, with an expression you'd judge as disbelief.
"Yeah...that's what I thought you said..."
She then nervously shuffles away from you before turning away, escaping into the crowd. You hear her say something, but can't make out what. Probably for the best you didn't. You turn back towards Twilight, who was watching the entire time, her focus switching from the book to you with rapid succession.
"B-but the book said this was guaranteed to work! It's a certainty tha-"
"GIVE ME THAT!" you shout, grabbing the book from Twilight. You examine the cover before turning the book over and reading the blurb.
Casanova Heartthrob brings you 1001 chat-up lines which are guaranteed to wow any groovy chick at your next shindig!
You furrow your brow and look at the year the book was published. 1971. You look back to Twilight, your expression caught somewhere between anger, disbelief and dumbfoundedness.
"Twilight, this book is over 40 years old! No wonder none of the things worked, it's horribly out of date!" you say as Twilight takes the book back and studies it for herself.
"Oh, how did I not notice that!" she says, giggling to herself before noticing your unimpressed expression. "Sorry, Anon, guess I should've checked before I grabbed the book." You don't reply, still getting over some of the awful lines Twilight's book had you say. "Maybe I can find a more updated version of th-"
"No more books!" you cry, causing Twilight to jump in shock. Thankfully no-one else heard you, they'd think you're crazy.
"Well I thought the lines were great." Twilight says, attempting to ease your mood. If anything, it somehow makes you feel worse. Twilight notices this and puts a hand on your shoulder. "Sorry, Anon, but don't feel bad. I know you'll find someone here. I'll be by the bar if you need me." Twilight says, before heading back in the direction you initially came from. Not likely you'll take her up on that, you're getting out of here while you can.