XXVIII.
In Vino Veritas
Penitentiary Institution Haaglanden, The Hague
ICC Detention Centre
23. November, 2015
4:57 pm MET
The cork escaped the bottle with a satisfying ‘pop’. It hit the cell floor and did a few circles before settling. Chrysalis’ big green eyes followed it every inch of the way.
“Na hoppla,” Estermann announced cheerfully, and triumphantly placed the thick, white-frosted bottle on the office desk. “There we go!”
Chrysalis inspected the clear amber fluid swirling around.
“What is this?”
“This?” Estermann asked back, plopping down on the swivel chair next to the queen. “A rather special treat. I needed to rifle through a lot of liquor stores today to find a bottle.”
Reaching into his suitcase, he fished out a pair of tiny plastic cups. “A good friend of mine made the suggestion a couple of days ago. I suppose he was joking, but… you know, I am a practical man.”
She curiously stuck her snout near the bottle opening and inhaled the wafting scent - before abruptly recoiling with a sour expression.
“Sweet… Tartarus! What is that stuff?”
Estermann spread his mouth into a slightly immature grin.
“Poitín, your Highness. A...” He twisted the bottle to get a look at the label, “...Galway Copper: Seventy-five percent, only a one-in-ten chance of temporary blindness.”
He hesitated. “My God, what have I gotten myself into?”
“I have no idea what any of this means,” Chrysalis stated, and settled down on her king-size mattress. “What are you planning to do with it?”
“Drink it, naturally!” he declared. “We have something to celebrate, after all!”
Chrysalis’ ears perked up at the good news.
“And that would be...”
“...The fact that we’re one - our first, in fact! - step closer to a dismissal,” he explained, his voice buttered with satisfaction.
Satisfied, she smiled and relaxed her muscles.
“It’s good to hear that the worst is behind us.”
“You’re joking.” He smiled. “It can only go downhill from here. And it probably will.”
Chrysalis was slightly miffed.
“Then… why are we celebrating now?”
“Well… As a great man named Napoleon once said: ‘In victory, you deserve a bottle of champagne. In defeat… you need one.’”
“Well… if you say so.” She yawned. “I suppose you should be allowed a little treat for your good work.”
“What do you mean, ‘allowed’?” he asked impishly. “And what do you mean, ‘I’?”
He pushed one of the cups to Chrysalis’ end of the desk.
Her face quickly became marked by a strange mixture of confusion, disgust and timidness.
“Uh... you take over. I do not touch ‘food’ and ‘drink’. I have better… supplements to keep me on my hooves. As you know.”
“Yes, yes.” he confirmed and rolled his eyes. “But to make it through this trial in one piece, we need luck. And in order to have that luck, we need to harvest it. And in order to harvest, we need to drink a toast. And in order to drink a toast, it takes two people with two glasses.”
Her weary smile turned into a wearily amused one.
“That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”
“Human customs. Show a bit of respect.”
She snorted defiantly. “Make me.”
Estermann grinned and threw a brief glance at the camera eye that looked down at the two of them from the ceiling.
The queen probably didn’t realise that almost an hour of negotiating with Mjoberg, the warden, was necessary to make this little moment possible.
Unsurprisingly, liquor was a tightly controlled substance in the prison, and thus subject to a rigorous toxicological sweep before he could take it anywhere.
Estermann himself was also frisked for any lighters or flintstones - lest he or his client intended to turn the bottle of Irish moonshine into a lethal Molotov cocktail.
With all that nonsense out of the way, Estermann kindly asked the assembled guards to stand down that evening and grant the two of them a little bit of privacy. That meant no call-outs, no searches and - so Estermann hoped - no Peeping Toms observing their every gulp on the little monitor outside.
Even if the Queen herself didn’t appreciate the effort, Estermann himself certainly did. He needed the calm before the storm tomorrow.
Wordlessly, he snatched the bottle and filled her cup half a pinky high.
“Worm...” she began.
“I thought we would have reached ‘Herr Advokat’ by now.”
She licked her lips.
“When exactly did you become the king and I the lowly larva?”
Ignoring her question, he filled his own cup and picked it up. Theatrically, he stood, straightening his legs and back, led the cup up to his nose, and locked eye contact with his client.
She just gaped back up at him in bemusement.
“Your Highness. A toast to you, and to good tidings in this courtroom and all those that may follow. And a toast to the health of your children, and to the Changeling race at large.”
Her fangs dug into her lips. After a few split-seconds of considering it, she replied with a huff.
“Oh, alright. Stupid.”
She clasped her cup with her two hooves, her chains ringing, and led it to her chin. Then she locked his eyes with hers.
“To you, and to your golden tongue. May it never disappoint me.”
“Pröschtli!”
Client and counsel both led their drinks to their lips and let the brew flow into their throats.
Estermann in particular realised almost instantly that he had just committed a fatal mistake.
The brew’s seventy-five percent quickly showed its devastating effect. It was akin to a punch to the face, except that this punch continued its path of destruction into their mouths and down their throats, stripping away all living flesh and taking it with it.
“Jesus, Maria und Josef!!” he spluttered as soon as the stuff had cleared his throat and rampaged its way towards his gut.
Chrysalis’ reaction was quite a bit more subdued. But still, her muzzle was marked with momentary agony.
“Why the hell did Mjoberg allow me to take this stuff into your cell? It could probably eat straight through the concrete.”
Chrysalis coughed involuntarily.
“Really?”
“Well... we could try. But if we fail, the fumes will knock us out cold.”
Ducking down clumsily, Estermann picked up the cork on the floor. He was happy to reconfirm to himself that he still hated alcohol, and this didn’t help.
“Okay, enough for today.”
Clenching her eyes shut, Chrysalis shook her senses back into place.
“Wait… That was it?”
“What a question!” Estermann spluttered back. “We must conduct ourselves responsibly, you know.”
He held his index finger aloft authoritatively. “Tomorrow’s the next hearing, and you do not want to be hung over in a court hearing. Take it from me.”
“Why? Have you ever been… ‘hung over’ in the courtroom?”
“Well… in moot court. That was in my university days. But that was bad enough. You’ll be needing sunglasses instead of your...”
For a moment, he paused to look up and down the queen in confusion.
“Speaking of which… where are your beautiful glasses this time, Highness?”
She just sneered tellingly and pawed on the mattress.
“Shattered into a thousand itty bitty little bits.”
Pained, Estermann scrunched up his face.
“God. Garibaldi is going to kill me in my sleep.”
He rubbed his nose bridge for luck before continuing. “How on earth did you manage to do that?”
She lowered her head and gave a cheeky leer.
“Well, funny story, that. They were broken.”
Estermann looked back up, his eyes marked with concern.
“Say… did anything happen on your way back to the garage this morning? I heard someone triggered a lockdown alert.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes and lay down flat on her mattress.
“Oh… not a lot. Just ran into an old acquaintance.”
A toothy grin spread on her face. “We caught up.”
Estermann lowered his eyebrows in concern.
“What old acquaintance, if I may ask?”
She smacked her lips.
“A freshly baked pony princess named Twilight Sparkle.”
If Esterman had allowed himself another cup, he would have probably spat its contents through the room at that moment.“You’re kidding. You ran into Twilight Sparkle? How the hell did that happen?”
“It was more like her running into me, dearie,” Chrysalis corrected him smugly. “You should’ve been there, and defended your queen. Twilight Sparkle attacked me. Physically, mind you.”
“Twilight Sparkle… attacked you?”
She placed a hoof near her horn, but the chains got in the way.
“Got me right in the forehead. Punched out a window to get to me.”
“Jesus, I thought the windows down there were bullet-proof.” Estermann murmured.
“But not pony-proof, by the looks of it,” she sneered. “You’ve got a lot of upgrading to do if you want to hold Celestia one day...”
“But...” Estermann said and sat up awkwardly, “You’re feeling alright. Right?”
“Puh-lease!” Chrysalis scoffed. “That foal didn’t even leave a mark. I’m made from sterner stuff. You know that.”
Within a blink of an eye, she was back up on her haunches with malevolent delight on her face. “Anyway, and then… Get a load of this. She got arrested.”
“Really now?”
“The Princess of Friendship got arrested for assault and battery! Oh, how the tides have turned!”
She followed up with a shrug. “I start enjoying humans more and more by the day.”
Estermann, lost in thought, just intertwined his fingers,.
“Any… particular reason why she would attack you? She left a very… scrupulous impression on me.”
She peered at him.
“Wait, you know her?”
“Yeah. Well… fleetingly.”
Chrysalis’s snout scrunched up, hinting at concern.
“Did she talk to you?”
“Oh, just… general stuff.” Estermann muttered and looked around the cell unsurely. “She was mostly worried about her famous brother. You know who.”
“I do indeed,” she sighed.
“She also asked me if I could share a car with her to the prison. But in the end, she had to share a car with me.”
Chrysalis shook her head at her subject.
“Wow. You… actually led her to the prison?”
“Hey, she wanted to visit Captain Shining. And believe me… by all accounts, she did this prison and this nation a great favour by getting that idiot out of everyone’s way.”
Chrysalis stayed silent. A moment later, she shrugged
“Hmph. If you put it like that, maybe she did.”
“Now then...” Estermann addressed the queen, “What happened between you two today? You didn’t… threaten her or anything like that, right? Or her brother?”
Chrysalis closed her eyes and broke out in snorting giggles.
“I… I...”
He laugh sounded almost embarrassed, “Look, I told her about how things stand right now. I yanked her chain a little. She just didn’t take it like a mare. What can I say?”
Estermann just let out a pained sigh of his own and rose from his chair.
Hands in pockets, he strode over to the barred window and looked into the night outside.
“You… shouldn’t go around threatening people like her at the moment. In your situation, this can only cause problems for the future.”
“Do you seriously think that I did it for the apples and giggles?” Chrysalis replied, her voice rising in annoyance. “They waylaid me on my way out of the courtroom. Her and her stupid brother.”
She let out yet another shrug. “They wanted to taunt me. I don’t have to take this, do I?”
“Of course not...” he sighed.
She chewed this over for a second. “Anyway, what do you think they will do to her now? Are they going to lock her up?”
“I… doubt it. Her car had diplomatic plates. So I suppose she has immunity. All they can do is ask her to get the hell out of the country, but that’s it.”
“Well, a pupa can dream.” Chrysalis moaned. “Moving on.”
“Yeah. Let’s.”
Curiously, Chrysalis propped herself up to be a little closer to Estermann as he stood by the window.
“Tell me… a little about yourself. I mean, it’s only been ‘Me! Me! Me!’ all month, so enough of that. What did you do to end up this this dark… soaked... freezing backwater?”
“Oh…You're not talking about the Hague, are you?”
Estermann leaned against the window and crossed his arms modestly. “That’s a long story.”
“Well, we have until tomorrow morning. So get to it.”
She winked cheekily.
Estermann sorted his thoughts for a moment and smiled as the memories came flooding in.
“Let me… tell you about how I earned my promotion at the ICC. It’s actually quite interesting. If you’re into that sort of thing.”
“Proceed.”
He put a hand on his chest.
“Well, as you might know, I’m Swiss. Switzerland is a tiny nation right in the centre of Europe. That means it’s as far away from any ocean or important body of water as you can get. All mountains and lakes.”
A warm smile spread across Chrysalis’ lips.
“You’re mountain brood too?”
“I suppose you could say that. We had a chalet in the shade of the Engelberg. Those were some lovely childhood summer holidays...”
Cheekily, Chrysalis’ eyes drifted up to the ceiling in thought.
“Estermann of the Engelberg. I like the sound of that.”
“...Wow.”
Estermann needed a moment to overcome his shock.
“This… this must be the first time I've heard my actual name coming out of your mouth,” he told her, unable to hide his rapture.
“What can I say?” Chrysalis smiled. “It grew on me. Alexander... Estermann. Alexander.”
She stared at the ceiling. “Alexanderalexanderalexander… Xaledander.”
She giggled. “Try saying that five times fast. What a mouthful. I was thinking about just calling you ‘Learned Friend’ and be done with it. On second thought, maybe I should.”
He chuckled back.
“So… no more ‘Worm’ then?”
She looked confused.
“Whatever do you mean?”
“Well… what was the deal with ‘Worm’, anyway?” Estermann inquired on, his eyes narrowing. “It did sound… rather silly, if you don't mind me saying that.”
“Well… yeah. That was the idea,” she answered, as if the answer were self-explanatory anyway.
He spread his hands in confusion and indignance.
“Yeah, but why me, of all people? I mean… come on.”
“Because it makes you feel feeble and lowly and insignificant. Makes perfect sense to me.”
Estermann sighed playfully.
“Um Gottes Willen. Arguing with you is absolutely useless. Do you realise that?”
Chrysalis just grinned more intensely.
“Please. Now tell me already how you came to be a defender.”
“Very well,” he harrumphed. “You see, back in the day, I served as an assistant to the ICC’s liaison to the UN in Geneva and Vienna. A fairly minor and unglamorous position.”
He thought for a few seconds.
“And back then, I was assigned to working a case concerning the mass execution of civilians and the looting of bodies in Sudan… an… obscure little African republic you’ve definitely never heard of.”
“Indeed not.”
“Anyway, two generals of the police were on trial. Their defence subpoenaed in an eyewitness from the capital to give an account in the defendant’s favour.”
Estermann’s face scrunched up a little. “This guy was a... pitiful little civil servant figure. Had sweat stains under his arms the size of pancakes. And, as fate would have it, he himself was far more deeply implicated in the shootings that any of us had at first anticipated.”
He took a breath. “At first, it was assumed that he had noticed a thing or two. That he once heard someone mention something. But… later it turned out that he was the guy who was assigned to count the watches and jewellery taken of the bodies, and turn them to liquid cash on the black market. This made him directly culpable in the pillaging.”
He looked down and played with his tie. “So by the time this guy… let’s call him Dilek… touched down at Cointrin Airport in Geneva for his connection flight to The Hague, there was an international warrant out for his arrest too.”
Chrysalis blew some lip bubbles.
“I suppose that was a bit frustrating for him.”
Estermann scoffed.
“You have no idea. Dilek stepped out of the plane, walked into the terminal, somehow made it past immigration, and then saw his own ugly mug plastered all over the news screens next to the luggage belts. Dilek… well… he nearly shit his pants. So what does he do? He decides he wants to go back home. Now. So he tries running back into the gate. Naturally, they don’t let him back in. So then he decides it's time to panic. So he rushes out of the airport and runs down the side of the highway, never to be seen again.”
“Wow.” Chrysalis muttered with a nod, “What was your role in all this?”
Estermann rolled his eyes.
“I was the idiot who was tasked with finding him, catching him and bringing him back in.”
An excited smile spread on her lips.
“I didn’t know you were a bounty hunter.”
“I wasn’t. But... I did just happen to be sitting in Vienna when it happened. The people from his court-appointed defence team were the first to catch on to his antics, and they were - quite understandably, I think - miffed by it.”
He tapped the windowsill. “For one thing, the innocent don’t run. So if the judges and the prosecutor ever got wise to Dilek’s ‘great escape’, this might have seriously hurt his case before the trial even started. The last thing they needed now was a big international manhunt for him. So his defence counsel calls me up at my desk and says to me,”
Comically, Estermann pouted and put on a malformed accent, “‘Alexander, pop down there and rope him back in, will you? You are Swiss. You know the Alps like your back pocket.’”
He tapped his knees enthusiastically, “And because I was an avid upstart back then, I jumped up from my desk, ran to the next car rental and drove over a thousand kilometres, twelve hours straight, to Geneva. Now, as you might have guessed, he was already long gone.”
“What did you do?”
He tapped his temple.
“To be fair, I really didn’t know what I was doing. But it went without saying that I couldn't get the authorities involved until it was absolutely necessary, so I decided to... do like a detective, and apply some... ‘deductive reasoning’. I went and asked around if a black fellow had tried to rent a car - people in Switzerland definitely notice a thing like that. Turns out he did try, but the rental company wouldn’t accept his Sudanese pounds, so he headed to the train station and boarded a train to nowhere, without a ticket. Naturally, he was caught almost immediately by an inspector. But rather than pay, he just threw his passport in the guy’s face and got the hell out of there. At some point, he decided to try hitchhiking his way to freedom...”
“How did you end up finding him?”
Estermann gave a sigh. “Long story short, it took me almost three days to catch up to that bastard - I swear, I had never stayed awake for that long in my whole life. I tracked him over another thousand kilometres, until I eventually hit Monaco… That’s a miniscule but majestic coastal statelet dedicated to the abysmally rich. It figured that he would try to go there.”
“...To flee?” she made sure, slightly confused.
“I... still can’t quite wrap around Dilek’s train of logic here. I mean, Monaco was a dead end for him in every conceivable way. The harbour is very well policed, and the place is far too small to hold an airfield. And they’re a signatory of the Rome Statute just like any other civilised nation, so they would have deported him just as willingly if had they known he was there.”
“Idiot.”
“Anyhow, Monaco is a tiny place indeed, so I only needed to snoop around for the better half of an hour before I found him, sitting in the bar of some high-end nightclub, with a bill raking in the hundreds and with not a coin of money left to his name in any currency.”
Estermann got up from his leaning position and strutted back over to the swivel chair.
“The funny thing was that, now that I had found him, I wasn’t really sure what to do with him. I wasn't armed. I didn't have cuffs. I hadn’t really thought this far. So, I... kind of maneuvered to the bar and told him that... ‘it’s time.’”
Chrysalis almost swooned at the two words.
“What did he say?”
Estermann smirked.
“That he’d rather stick a knife in his throat than let them take him.”
“Well, that’s not melodramatic at all.”
“Yeah...” Estermann snorted, “Not that he looked like the kind of guy who could go through with it. But still, I didn’t want to take the risk.”
Theatrically, he sauntered up and sit down on the chair, “I plopped down on the stool next to him, and told him to scooch a little.”
He went for the Poitín bottle. “And I ordered him and me some vermouth. Tough stuff in its own right.”
Carefully, he hovered the bottle above his cup, as to simulate the rich pouring of alcohol, “And we had ourselves a quiet, pleasant conversation.”
“About what?”
Softly, Estermann shrugged, and swirled the bottle’s contents around playfully,
“Just... general stuff. Family. Work life. Stress. The weather. Silly jokes.”
He sniffed and narrowed his eyes. “Eventually, I realised this guy was… hopelessly out of his depth. Back in Sudan, his only accomplishment was that he could read and write in English and count further than ten. He was an accountant by trade. He had a wife and an eight year-old boy.”
Estermann sighed, “And yet, he had been fully aware of what he was getting himself into when he rifled through all those pieces of jewellery and phones and gold teeth... He knew where it came from, and he knew where it was about to go. But he was no sociopathic maniac, or psychopathic mastermind, or ruffianly soldier-cum-killing machine. He was just… Dilek.”
He smiled.
“And... for the love of God, I liked Dilek. That sweaty, pitiful twit. I felt genuinely sorry for him. I didn’t want to see him suffer on a stand-”
Estermann flinched slightly as he felt a chitinous hoof curling around his Poitín-bottle-holding hand, gently twisting it towards his cup.
Confused, he looked at Chrysalis, who replied with a soft gaze.
“What did you two end up doing?”
“We... shared the bottle, to the last drop. We were violently drunk, but in the end, Dilek saw the light. I ordered us a cab to Nice airport in France and personally escorted him to the Hague. Six months later… I received a letter from the court. A new post offer.”
Her loving eyes penetrated him effortlessly.
“So just like now?”
“What?”
“You filled him up to make him docile. Just like with me.”
Estermann shook his head weakly.
“Nonsense. It is never a sin to offer another a drink.”
He hesitated and bowed his head, “But granted, I see how you got that impression.”
She led his hand - and the bottle - back to the cup.
“Uh… your highness...” he breathed, “Do you want me to be hung over tomorrow?”
“Come, come,” she cooed softly. “I want you to do it for me.”
The bottle turned in his hand, until more of the deadly potion began to dribble into his cup.
Estermann’s mind clicked too slowly to make it stop in time.
“Hoppla.” she chuckled. “Seems like you’ll need to finish your portion, huh?”
“That’s not a very wise...”
Her emerald eyes stopped his thoughts in their tracks.
“Enjoy, little one,” she just said, her voice disarming and compelling.
Wordlessly, Estermann led the cup up to his mouth and necked it.
Yet again, he was stunned by a short instance of liquid fire running down his throat, until that gulp too settled in his stomach.
“You look so silly when you drink,” she laughed.
Her eyes, previously slitted in an almost loving manner, widened a little. “You’re full of funny stories, aren’t you?”
Drowsily, he nodded.
“Oh hell yes… I know a lot of jokes too...”
The changeling seemed surprised.
“You? You actually know jokes?”
“Of course I know jokes! I’m a very funny guy,” Estermann scoffed. “What about you? Do you know any jokes?”
“Hm… You first.”
He thought for a second.
“I don’t know… Most of my repertoire is not particularly… PC...”
“Well...” she pondered. “I don’t know what that means, but now I want to hear them even more.”
“Also, you might not understand most of them.”
“I know a good joke when I hear it,” she reassured him.
Slumped over on the table, and with only an arm holding his head aloft, Estermann thought long and hard.
“Let’s see… A sugar daddy, as ancient as Methuselah, goes to the urologist, and tells him about his most recent... sexual exploits with his twenty-something girlfriend.”
Chrysalis raised an eyebrow.
“The doctor tells him; ‘You’ve got to be careful. With your age, sex can become quite a dangerous activity.’ But the old guy just shrugs and says, ‘...Eh. She dies, she dies.’”
Chrysalis listened a couple more seconds into the silence that followed that joke.
But then the corners of her mouth began to flutter upwards.
A smile promptly followed.
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”
Modestly, Estermann dropped his head.
“Thank you. I’m not worthy.”
“Any more where that came from?”
Estermann combed through his repertoire.
“Okay… So the judge asks, ‘Defendant! Why did you beat your wife to death with a bottle?’ Says the defendant, ‘Stupid bitch wouldn’t eat the mushrooms!’”
Chrysalis bared her fangs in delighted laughter and let out a chuckle.
“Nice.”
“Now then… your turn.” Estermann smirked back, “What kind of jokes do changelings tell each other?”
Now it was Chrysalis’ turn to give the other a tired glance.
“You really want me to tell a joke?”
He performed a little curtsy, “No, I just… humbly beseech your majesty’s advice in things comical.”
“Yeah, let’s see...” Chrysalis murmured, throwing her massive head back like it was a broken doll’s.
“A donkey beggar canters down a mountain pass somewhere in… let’s say the Westlands.” her voice fluttered a little, “Suddenly, he is ensnared by a strapping hive nymph...”
“A… what?”
Chrysalis sighed, “A… burly young changeling.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Anyway. The nymph throws himself on the donkey’s back and twists his forelegs around the creature’s throat.”
Estermann winced involuntarily.
“‘Now…’ the nymph tells him, ‘Unless you want to wake up with a much bendier neck, you do exactly as I say.’ So he leads the donkey behind a rock and...” A devious smile spread across her muzzle. “...And reaps a great harvest on his love. If you know what I mean.”
“I’m worried that I do...” Estermann murmured.
“When he’s done with the donkey and quite glutted, he leads him back out on the path and sighs, ‘You know what? That was really nice. Here. Have a sign of my utmost gratitude,’ and he hoofs the donkey a big shiny, peach-sized rose quartz. Of course, the donkey’s eyes widen immediately, and he stutters, ‘You... nincompoop! If you had shown me that thing earlier, I would’ve volunteered!’”
Estermann smiled knowingly.
“‘Yeah, but then your asshole wouldn’t have gone like this!’”
His fingers mimed a jittering motion.
Chrysalis stared at her lawyer with stunned silence.
“What?” Estermann asked, his voice sliding around with tipsiness. “...Too much?”
Chrysalis, who seemed to be in the process of trying and figuring him out, shook her head.
“Have… have you heard that one before?” she asked, carefully.
Estermann raised his shoulders carefully, before breaking out into juvenile giggles.
“Honestly, that joke is older than me. I am sorry for interrupting you.”
“No, it’s just...” Chrysalis mumbled, sounding quite unsure herself. “Do you monkeys really have that same joke as us?”
“Not exactly the same,of course, but… the structure’s there.”
He pondered for a moment, “But hey. Your ‘neighbours’ speak our French too, so at this point… nothing would surprise me anymore.”
Chrysalis smile turned into an elated guffaw.
“Besides, I didn’t think you could be such a potty-mouth.”
Estermann couldn’t help but join in in her giggles.
“Doesn’t surprise me in the slightest. I used to hang out with the... worst crowds imaginable.”
“Other convicts?”
He shook his head and gave a short comical salute.
“Nope, university again! I was acquainted with some first-class scum back then...”
It was as though Chrysalis was gripped by a passion like Estermann had never seen.
“Quick.” she beckoned, “How about this one: How many hippogryphs do you need to paint a rainbow?”
Estermann
“I... don’t know. It depends how hard you smear ‘em?”
“Yep!” she laughed.
Estermann chuckled some more.
“How do you keep an East Frisian from drowning?”
Chrysalis slipped a limb.
“Take your hoof off his stupid little head!”
Estermann spluttered so hard that he nearly threw himself off his chair.
“And how do you spay a Tyrolean?”
“You buck his sister in the jaw, of course!”
“Mother, actually,” Estermann corrected her, pointing up a finger in fake fussiness. “But... close enough.”
Chrysalis cocked an eyebrow.
“...Whatever rocks your boat, I suppose.”
“Oh you.”
Both of them shared a long, long moment of immature giggling. Estermann held on to the desk so he wouldn’t simply slip off his chair. And Chrysalis rested her head against the cell’s wall, also in an attempt to keep herself upright.
“Yep.” Estermann finally confirmed. “That’s black humour for you.”
“Ah yes,” she nodded, elated. “These jokes… they’re a little like changelings.”
“Yep. They never get old.” Estermann quipped automatically.
Both their giggling subsided as they realised what Estermann had just said.
Awkwardly, Estermann propped himself back up. His head was beginning to thump from the booze.
Chrysalis followed suit, scooching away from the wall and towards Estermann’s edge of the mattress, always propping herself up with her forelegs.
“I...” he sniffed.
Chrysalis needed a moment to react.
“Huh?”
“By the way… There is something else I want to talk to you about. Almost forgot about it with all that fun. It concerns you and your… brood.”
“What?” she asked, her voice even more tired.
Ever since his conversation with Mullan, Estermann had been brooding over this subject with mounting worry.
He knew it was not his place to make suggestions about things he had barely any expertise in. He was just a jurist of international law. The law was made by politics, but the politics weren’t any of his beeswax.
But what was urging him to press this issue?
Was it a misplaced sense of obligation? Honour? Superficial actionism?
Did he just feel compelled to vanquish the feeling of paralysing impotence over a situation that was inevitably coming to a terrifying head in front of him?
Or was it possibly just a growing sense of pity for that monstrous client of his?
“Now,” he continued, “I know that they say that ‘nothing’s over until the fat lady sings’...”
“Do they now?”
“...But I suppose there is no harm in planning ahead a little. In the event that they really do cite inadmissibility and you get to go free.”
He ears perked up.
“Continue.”
He took in air through his nose and scraped his trouser legs with his fingers.
“Plan ahead: What’s your first step going to be?”
“My first step...” Chrysalis pondered, polishing her throat with a hoof, “Well… Go home, of course.”
“Now, I…” Estermann spurted, barely keeping himself from interrupting her, “I would advise you that you should consider the possibility of...”
He shrugged, “I don’t know… setting up a government in exile.”
Her eyes narrowed in disbelief. She slowly turned towards him.
“A what now?”
“A government in exile,” he repeated. “You reform your royal court abroad, away from the Equestrian mainland, until the situation improves. Have you ever considered the possibility?”
She stared at him in sudden worry.
“Why? Has something happened?”
He slowly shook his head.
“News keep trickling in. Nothing particularly shocking. But neither does any of it point to the Northern Equestrian situation improving anytime soon.”
She snorted.
“Whatever the trouble… once I’m out of here, Alexander, I’ll be going home.”
Estermann lowered his head before shaking it.
“To my brood.”
“I... strongly advise you against it.”
Chrysalis huffed in exasperation.
“Why?”
“You know why,” Estermann scoffed. “Do you really think the Equestrians will let you back into the country? Once word gets out that you’re a free mare, it’s going to be open season.”
She rolled her eyes.
“You think they can stop me?”
“They’ll be waiting for you. They’ll put you down the second you cross the border.”
Chrysalis rolled her eyes one more time.
“Look. At the moment, there is no place on this big blue planet where you’re safer than here.”
“But I do not want to stay here,” she clarified, digging her hooves into the mattress.
“Mark my words,” he insisted, “This ‘dark, soaked, freezing backwater’, as you keep calling it, is the navel of the universe, as far as geopolitics are concerned. The Hague, London, Geneva, Paris, Vienna, Brussels, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Rome. Perhaps even Washington. Forget Northern Equestria. You need to make friends here.”
She smacked her lips. Her expression was unsure at best.
“How many ‘friends’ have I got here?”
“At the moment?” Estermann asked back, stifling a smile. “None to speak of, really. But that still beats the Equestrian situation by a mile, because over here, the people at least don't all want to see you dead.”
“Am I even welcome here?”
“Well… potentially.”
He started counting on his fingers. “First, you'll need to apply for political asylum, of course. Find yourself a nation to patronise you.”
Pained, she closed her eyes.
“I will not let anypony patronise me.”
“You know what I mean.” Estermann groaned. “Secondly, you draw up a list of confidantes - people you want to form your government - and you fly them out. Get them here.”
He looked up in thought, “Which shouldn’t be a problem, as Equestria will likely be more than happy to be rid of them.”
“So, bottom line...” she concluded, growing cutty, “you want me to leave the Frozen North to the ponies. You want me to just let the Equestrians have my ancestral home.”
“Do you really think that you could hold onto it anyway? The way that things stand now?” he asked, challengingly, “Going abroad means saving countless lives. Lives that would otherwise be thrown away in a hot war.”
Nervously, Chrysalis clapped her hooves together.
“I don’t think I want to talk about this.”
Defensively, Estermann raised his arms a little.
“I’m just saying that if you stay here and form your government here, in the safety of a neutral first-world state, you will get the the possibility to campaign for a political solution to your dilemma.”
He curled his right hand into a fist. “Mount external pressure on the Equestrian crown and make their status quo unbearable. Campaign at the UN. Twist their hand until they’re left with no other choice but have a sit-down at the negotiating table and clear the way for a chance at independence. International recognition is the magic word!”
“Yeah, yeah. Enough,” she sighed.
Disappointed, Estermann sat back.
Chrysalis opened her massive green eyes at him. Estermann felt almost blinded by their sheer radiance.
“Let me be absolutely clear here,” she declared in an eerily calm voice, “I will not stay in this place. I will go home. Sooner than later.”
As he gazed, he felt a numbing sensation crawl over his limbs.
In this moment, he began to understand.
For better or for worse, she was right.
Suddenly, she lifted herself from her haunches and swung herself forward, forehooves first.
Estermann couldn’t possibly roll out of the way before the two hooves found their way onto his lap.
The rest of Chrysalis followed suit, propping herself up on and leaning into him, her face coming within inches of his.
She was heavy, and her massive form was sinking into his thighs.
But, strangely, that wasn’t important right now.
“But… let me be fair,” she cooed down at him.
Good God, Estermann thought. He could feel her breaths roll past his nose and cheeks.
He tried his best to hold his own in.
“Your approach is sound. Yes… I will reform my court. But... it’s going to be at home.”
“Hm...” Estermann squeaked, awkwardly trying to convey his understanding.
“With you by my side,” she added.
As Estermann tried to process this last part, one of her hooves travelled up and stroked by his chin.
“Yes, I think I will take you.”
“I’m… sorry?” Estermann mumbled, to piece together his thoughts in the haze, the feeling of her warm hoof massaging his lower jaw.
“You know,” she smiled, “I haven’t met a lot of humans in my life. Incidentally, I have barely met any I didn’t immediately despise. You, though?”
Her hoof directed his chin downwards to force him to look directly at her.
“Call me mad, but… I strangely don’t despise you.”
“...Thank you.”
“You have something.” she sighed. “Something… enticing. Pleasurable, even. ”
A harrowing idea struck Estermann’s mind.
Was that changeling hive queen talking dirty to him?
Was she really that starved for affection that she considered him...
Something dropped inside of him.
He struggled more and more to hold on to his composure.
“Well...” he slurred with a half-hearted humoured pout, “Missus Chrysalis. Are… are you trying to… sedu… sed...”
Before he could finish his quip, Chrysalis silenced him by gently placing her hoof over his lips.
“Please. For now, let’s leave it at ‘My Queen’, huh?”
He nodded dumbly.
“You’ve proven your obedience. You shall be my… my envoy to the human world. My adviser. And since you’re a mar… man of the Law, maybe there’ll even be a senior position in it for you.”
Her muzzle crept closer to his ear, “How does High Justice sound to you?”
It was a predictably bad moment for Estermann to choke on his own saliva.
Yet he did.
He jerked away in shock and began to cough and splutter madly.
Chrysalis, with a looked that seemed to scream either perplexion or simply annoyance, backed off a little.
Trying to bring a bit of civility into the ruined moment, he held up a waiting index finger and tried to seal his mouth with the tip of his striped blue tie.
“I am so...” he coughed, before beginning to splutter again.
Chrysalis couldn’t hide her smile.
“All in good time I guess. No need to count the fat ladies before they sing. Or whatever you said.”
He nodded all too willingly.
“Yes… Perhaps… I think I’ll be okay now...”
Anything was better than letting himself be seduced and spirited away by a thousand-plus-year-old changeling.
Who was also his client.
“Very good...”
Again, Chrysalis closed in, but this time, she placed her large, hole-ridden hooves over his shoulders.
“Moving on. Do you remember the talk you and I had over the magic tube?”
He thought a little.
“You mean… the telephone?”
Her eyelids drooped a little,
“There was something you said. Something that got me thinking. You mentioned… that you have a mate.. And her name is Lena. Lena Rosenroll.”
Estermann bated his breath.
“And you also got a little pupa of your own.”
“In fact… I do “
“What do you call her?”
“G- Gritli.”
Chrysalis couldn’t help but snigger.
“Gritli? Are you serious? Well, then your Lena and 'Gritli' are about to become very lucky little creatures.”
Her tongue almost tickled his ear as she whispered more and more into it,
“They will adore the North. There will be enough living space in the hive for everybody in my court. It is such a truly majestic place.”
“My… family?” Esterann tried to make sure.
She winked.
“And they will like me. I will make sure of that.”
He squirmed a bit.
“I don’t know if they’ll be… they’ll...”
“Nonsense,” she cooed. “I could convince them myself, if you’d like.”
Her eyes lit up in a swirl of mesmerising magical energy. Again, Estermann began to feel strange at the sight.
“They will still be with you when I leave this hole, won’t they?”
“They’re… not with me...”
“Where are they?”
“Switzerland.”
She blinked.
“Any reason why they’re still there?”
“Well… uhm...” he smiled, shrugging as much as the weight of the queen allowed him, “You see, we’re no longer together...”
Chrysalis looked positively mystified.
“Well, yes. Obviously. But why?”
He tried to hold up his smile. But the sudden, small trickle of sadness in his voice, he couldn’t hide.
He tried moving Chrysalis’ legs aside, but naturally, they didn’t as much as budge.
“Now… well… We...Lena and I… had our divorce some twenty months ago. So...”
“And, that means… what, exactly?”
“I’d rather not bring all that to the table.”
“Tell me.”
He gazed at his client, and opened up almost on command.
“That means… uh… that Lena has the house. Lena has the cars. Lena has Gritli,” he began explaining before trailing. “But… you know… it’s for the best that way, I think. It’s the way we both wanted it. We decided it unanimously. No courtroom drama required. We had a partition plan drafted in... a week. It was painful… but quiet and calm and mercifully short.”
Coldly, Chrysalis retracted her forelegs from his shoulders, and placed them back on the mattress.
Estermann relaxed a little as he rambled on,
“It… it all started with… My dear mother... wanted to have grandkids, you see. I was young and stupid and naive, weeks away from getting my master’s, and there was Lena. Economics student, also Swiss - from Tessin, of all places! - and she had exactly the same kind of parents, with exactly the same kind of problems. Somehow, we got it into our post-pubescent brains that we could be stupid together.”
He chuckled hoarsely at his own joke.
“It didn’t take us long to realise that were in over our heads. Marriage.. pah. We were two young upstart professionals, both avid to get out there and set the world alight. So… private life got stretched a little thin. I worked with the UN and the ICC in Vienna. She worked with the Bank of Basel and the Berne stock exchange. We were never at home at the same time.”
“What are you saying?”
“It wasn’t marriage.” he sneered, “It was a long-distance relationship. We… gradually realised it wouldn’t ever be made to work. You know?”
Chrysalis’ voice had hardened.
“I see.”
“I mean… the alimony was a no-brainer, and I still pay it with pride. It’s the least I can do to keep up my share for bad times.”
“And what about your Gritli?”
Estermann hesitated. He didn’t quite understand where she was going with this one.
“What about Gritli?”
Chrysalis bared a sharp scowl.
She lunged forward with a hoof and gave her lawyer a pelt right across his chest.
With the force of a bear’s paw, Estermann was knocked to the side and sent spinning on his swivel chair before unceremoniously dropping to the ground.
That sobered him up in an instant. Scrambling, he pulled himself onto his feet and stared at Chrysalis in nonplussed shock.
“What the hay is wrong with you?” Chrysalis asked him, aggravated.
He tried to ask her the same thing, but he hadn’t yet gotten his air back.
“You talk about it like you tripped and lost a horseshoe. Are we, or are we not, talking about your family?”
“Uh… yes,” he he huffed, scratching his head nervously, “What did you…”
“Are you telling me you’ve willingly left your brood behind?”
Indignantly, Estermann narrowed his eyes. “I… what? No, look, I think there might be a misunderstanding here...”
“Why are you here? Why are you not in the mountains with them?” she growled on “Why are they not with you?”
“Because...” he stuttered, hesitantly, “Because I‘m working.”
“What kind of excuse is that?”
“I’m sorry...” he began, as politely as he could, “I’m afraid that I fail to see what the issue here is.”
Chrysalis just snorted
“To think that I almost decided to take your words to heart… lend an ear to your views on hive and home… Your drivel of Scapegoats. Animals. Exile!”
Her gaze bore into him accusingly, “When this is how you treat your own? You turned your back on them?”
“Your Highness...” he breathed, “We are divorced now.”
“Tell me who protects them now. Tell me who feeds them. Who leads them to new pastures when the old ones go barren?”
“Okay, I think… I see your concern.”
He held his arms up in surrender.
“I didn’t leave behind five hundred larvae here. I… I think that we’ve already established that human and changeling family life… cannot really be compared, can it?”
He packed his fingers together to try and parcel his thoughts. ”Human families are small, they’re… more flexible… more… Different priorities apply, is what I’m saying here.”
Chrysalis was unimpressed.
“A creature who abandons his hive is lower than dirt,” she spat.
A nervous shiver crept into his arms. He tried to fold them to make it less obvious.
“With all due respect, you’re the one who insisted on bringing up my private-”
“Do you think that I’m having a fun time in this cell, so many leaps away from my own hive, knowing in what grave danger they are?” she inquired, her tone out for confrontation. “Leaderless, confused, starving? Surrounded by our enemies?”
“...You …you said your children could take care of themselves.”
“Of course I would tell you that,” she yelled. “With a unicorn standing in the room!”
Her nose flared like a dog whistle. She led a hoof - it too was trembling - as far up to her head as her chains let her. “But let me tell you. I may not look it, but I can barely keep it together. The very thought, it drives me mad. I can barely stand it!”
Estermann was already staring at the floor in shame.
“But oh, what luxury you must have, you fop!”
She sprang onto all four hooves and began to pace across the short distance to the wall. “You’re free as a bird. This is your habitat, and you can go where you please. I take it that, if you decided you wanted to fly home right now, you could. Nopony would be able to stop you, right?”
It felt like he was a small boy who was being told off by the world’s most bloodcurdling headmaster.
“I…” he trembled, “...couldn’t simply abandon my post...”
“Why? Are they holding a blade to your throat? Have they hobbled your scrawny legs so that you can’t get away fast enough before they ride you down?”
He shook his head. The thought of smiling at the absurdity of her words didn’t even filter into his mind.
“Then what excuse do you have?”
“Switzerland… is not exactly a lawless hellhole.” he smirked as he tried to maneuver back towards his briefcase, “It’s… quite literally one of the most peaceful places in the world. Highest living standards, lowest-”
“No place in this world is safe,” she hissed. “Enemies lurk everywhere. Enviers. All waiting for their chance to crawl out of the woodwork and hurt your kin. You may not see them. But they’re there. Waiting.”
Chilling words.
He found his gut squirming with dread.
“I know that… everyday life in Northern Equestria must be harsh and unforgiving. A struggle for survival, surely. But my existence here in Europe… It’s nothing like that. That’s the luxury of this place. So if I don’t stay put and do my job, I will not be able to feed my family to begin with.”
“Good gracious!” she spat. “How did your pathetic race of apes ever get out of the jungles?! Carve yourself a blade, you tie it to a stick, and then you head out and get fed!”
He sniffed, and laid his throbbing head into his hand like he was balancing a football.
“Does…. I don’t know… does it...”
“What?”
“Does it usually happen that you get to take the moral high ground, your Highness?”
With renewed - and possibly alcohol-fueled - vigour, he looked back up at her cynically. “This isn’t what all this is about, is it?”
She drove a hoof into her chest.
“I would never voluntarily abandon my brood. Never. And I never have.”
Then, with menacingly slow steps, she closed back in on the standing man. “The hive is all. There is no calling that is higher. No end worthy of more means.”
A thought slowly began to dawn on him.
“I think you’re a little drunk. We both are.”
Perhaps now, Estermann realised, the point to call it quits for the evening had been reached.
Maybe bringing in a bottle of hard liquor wasn’t the wisest choice.
“Do I look drunk to you?” she inquired. “Or am I just wrong?”
“You’re… you’re not wrong. Of course.”
She had a point, Estermann knew.
Divorce never was a very honourable thing to do.
It certainly never was a thing he was very proud of.
But enough of that nonsense.
“I… just don’t know why you are mad at me. Anyway, you know what I think? I think now would be-”
“I’m disappointed in you because a good drone sticks to his own.”
He tried to give her a critical look.
“Yes, well, but… I’m not a...”
His ability to speak melted between his teeth.
“I… uh...”
Her eyes.
Her voluptuous emerald eyes
They were so beautiful.
They looked even more beautiful from up close.
Why did he not notice sooner?
“You’re right. You’re not a drone,” her voice said. “Right now, you’re just an oaf. A hairless ape who’s convinced he has no top and no bottom.”
“I think it’s… time… that we… wrap… and… I…”
With her so close, he could feel the buzzing from her throat rippling through his body, all the way into his head. It too felt not entirely unpleasant.
“You need to understand… you cannot cast your loyalties into the wind whenever you like. It’s above your station. You’re not worthy of this kind of… entitlement.”
Indeed.
She was right, of course.
He had to have principles.
Which was all good and well, but he really had to go-
“I think we all need to have a good, long thought about where we stand.”
That last word in particular clanged inside his mind.
His body slowly skid to a halt, his half-hearted attempt at escaping her gradual encroachment stopping dead in its tracks.
“There are two kinds of creatures on this earth...” she explained to him. “There are such like the ponies. Enemies. Treacly filth.”
Estermann didn’t - couldn’t - realise just how close she had come to him.
He certainly couldn’t see it. Her magnificent eyes were filling his vision with soothing, dazzling glimmer, and it fixated him like a deer in the headlights.
In fact, it wasn’t until her muzzle smeared across his cheek that he noticed she wasn’t even inches away anymore.
The thought of leaving slowly but steadily trickled out of his mind.
The more she pushed against him, the less he felt like he wanted to revisit that idea.
“But then… there's everybody else. Those who are strong and warlike. Those who know when to listen and when to obey. Those who know the worth of their kin. Broodmates, not chattel.”
And what about humans like himself, Estermann suddenly wondered.
He felt her smile on his chin. “Yes, even humans like yourself. Even if… they haven’t realised it yet. Misled as you are, not even you can deny your nature.”
No, they couldn't. Human nature was very family…
What was he thinking about again?
She took in his scent. He could feel the air around him sucked into the changeling’s nostrils.
A moment later, it was returned to him - warm, moist and in turn smelling of gloriously intoxicating changeling essence.
“You are a good servant,” she concluded. “Ponies could never be like you. And you could never be like them.”
She pressed into him, and his body willingly let itself drop against the wall.
He could feel his own lips parting to give a reply.
“Never...”
Had he really just answered? Or was he hallucinating?
Next thing he knew, she was standing up on her two hind legs, her forelegs climbing the wall to the left and right of his shoulders, propping herself up against him.
Beyond the pools of emerald his gaze was bathing in, his increasingly sluggish senses could pick up on the vibrations of her body.
It amazed him just how high his head suddenly had too tilt so he could follow her eyes’ beautiful gleam.
As she exposed her muscular chest and belly to him, he once again realised just how much bigger she was than him - and how deeply awe-inspiring she really was.
If she were to slip right now, he would easily be crushed under her massive form.
He was no more than a vermin, ready to be stomped by her at a moment’s notice.
A… worm?
The same prickly, tantalising feeling of lowliness that he had experienced a glimpse of in the courtroom that morning once again swept through his belly.
But she just smiled.
“I will forgive you your… lapses. I know that you will serve me. I know that you will collect your family once more, when the time comes. And you will join my side, among the staunchest of my allies.”
It sounded good.
There would be no crushing. She was being incredibly merciful with him.
He was almost family, after all.
“Yes,” she nodded as she read off his expression. “Don’t we all belong together? Your kind and mine. Let our fates intertwine. Let many families… melt... into one family. When the time comes, we shall make your brood my brood.”
“All under… you...” he heard himself say.
Was he analysing the state of things? Or was he just confirming it?
Chrysalis looked surprised.
“Why hello there… You’re actually catching on? I’m surprised. Since when have you become so… receptive?”
This question meant too much thinking for him.
So he stayed silent.
Testingly, his Queen swayed her massive head from left to right.
The battery and cable dangled from her horn, loosely. Fascinated, her own eyes tracked the apparatus’ lax, erratic movements.
“Oh... now I see,” she chuckled. “Well… say what you will about Ponykind… but they do know how to throw the right punch in the right place to… make a change. ”
He didn’t know what she was talking about, but he nodded dumbly still, because he knew she was right.
Though it did seem funny to him that the thought of him nodding to her was ‘dumb’.
How could it possibly be dumb?
Her face lit up in radiant joy.
“You look so adorable though when you begin to understand. It’s a treat to see somebody surrender.”
Her head swooped down at him, and she pressed the tip of her muzzle atop his lip.
“And you're tasty too…” she mumbled, “Who could have thought that a monkey would have some much love to give? It beats a dead chicken any day.”
He could taste her too now.
And she tasted like… like…
He had never tasted anything so excellent.
He opened his mouth to receive more of the changeling’s succulent, quivering lips…
It felt absolutely appalling when they receded, taking all sensation of her warmth and taste with them, like they had never been there at all.
“How are you still standing?” his queen’s voice finally asked, her tone almost comical. “You are as rigid as a sentry. You won’t give in until I say, will you?”
Very slowly, his head shook.
Thirsting for more of her, his mouth parted.
“Tell me...” she cooed, “what am I?”
Beautiful.
“You...” Estermann’s hapless lips began slurring, “you are so beautiful...”
“Good. Now tell me… who am I?”
Queen.
“M-my… my queen.”
“Such a clever little human...”
A hoof descended onto his scalp with the lightness of a feather and gave it a good stroke.
“That’s alright. I’ll allow you to relax then. I’ll allow you to slip...”
And slip Estermann did.
Like a puppet whose threads were lopped, his legs gave way.
Caught in a pleasant buzz, he slid down the side of the wall.
“Drop onto your knees for me. It’s a so much more fitting place for you to be. Isn’t it?”
Again, he response was automatic. He knew not where the thought came, nor why he chose to say it out loud.
“Yes, my queen,” his voice again answered.
And there he knelt. Where there had once been a client, there now stood a sovereign. His sovereign. And he was in awe at the wonderful transformation.
Ultimately, the queen lowered herself as well - first onto her fours, and then further down onto her haunches.
Even down there on the floor, her head was still swaying above him, holding him by her compelling, never-exhausting stare.
Finally, she tipped to her side and rolled onto her back.
Estermann only watched her drop onto her mattress, nothing short of enchanted by the sheer sight of her.
Like a playful pup, she wiggled her four massive legs in the air and tilted her head forward so she could continue gazing into him, over her heaving chest.
“It’s alright, my little drone. Crawl closer.” She smiled and beckoned with a ringing hoof. “I won’t bite. In fact…”
Her horn and her eyes pulsed softly. The sensations she made him feel intensified. His own breath grew fast and choppy.
“In fact, I won’t be doing anything that you’d be able to rememb-”