You begin to feel grumpy as you read the story in your hooves. The alternative, boarding this train without some manner of distraction, is beginning to look better. Surely you could have found something better to do than read this story on this of all days. Daring Do and the Curse of the Bovine Fluid Harvesters is one of your favorite stories. However, given the curse currently turning you into some hybrid pony-ape abomination, it’s hitting a little close to home.
So far you’ve lost the ability to fly, and almost all your fur is gone. Your tail and mane are cropped short, and turning brown like a wilting plant. The only way this day could get worse would be if your fellow Wonderbolts could see you sitting here on the train, reading a book, looking like one of Applejack’s pigs dressed in bad Rainbow Dash cosplay.
Luckily you don’t have to finish the particularly colorful chapter on Daring Do’s rapidly growing teats when Rarity clears her throat.
“So, Dash, what are you reading?” Rarity asked.
You fold the book shut. “Nothing important, just trying to keep my mind off things. I thought for sure this whole adventure to find Celestia and save Equestria would be more… interesting.”
Rarity glances out the window at the mountain passing by. “Yes, well I suppose a four hour train ride to Canterlot isn’t anypony’s idea of a good time, certainly not now that my glorious mane and horn are… are… gone!”
She began to cry, and you decided to comfort her. “Hey, it’s not that bad! You’re no uglier than the rest of us!”
“Ya’ll always did lack subt… gra… hmm… what’s the word…” Applejack rubbed her head with one of the small nubs that had started growing out of her hoof.
“Subtlety?” you offer.
“Yep! That. Maybe ah reckon ya’ll can talk about some fiction or movies or something to taken our minds off of it?” Applejack asked.
It was hard to be sure, but you think Applejack sounded a bit more illiterate and country than usual. Where the rest of you were getting scrawny and gangly, she was forming a nice round belly. While your face was pink and squishy, hers was covered in coarse patches of brown fur.
“My favorite movie is Deadpool!” Pinkie stated. “The way he is just so random is awesome!”
“I’m rather fond of that fan fiction somepony wrote about me killing anypony who disrespected me or my friends in a secret murder basement,” Rarity admitted. “Oh could you imagine anything so ridiculous? But, I was rather fond of the way the Rarity in the story looked out for Sweetie Belle, who in turn looked out for her daughter.”
“Hmm,” you said. “I think I remember that one, but it’s not nearly as horrifying as the one where I got found living in a box by a hobo.”
“Or the one where I cooked you up into some cupcakes Dash! Though, I do have twenty-three non-vegan high-gluten pony-based recipes I could have used if the situation arose… so that story wasn’t so far fetched!” Pinkie admitted.
You roll your eyes and look over at Twilight, who is scribbling furiously into a notebook. She’s been slower to change than the rest of you. “What’s your favorite story Twilight?”
“Oh, the one where I have nasty sex with the reincarnated not-evil Nightmare Moon of course,” Twilight deadpanned.
“I haven’t heard of that one,” you reply.
“If it exists, there’s shitty fan fiction of it, rule 23!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Yeah right,” you said. “If that was true then… well… some asshole would write a story about Trixie brutally torturing and sexually abusing Twilight into her pet, but it was actually a changeling all along!”
“It’s been done!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“What? No way… what about that one stallion Rarity met at the Gala, anyone write a story about him spending fifty days doing horrible things to somepony?” you ask.
“Yep!”
“Um… Big Mac raping the Cutie Mark Crusaders to death?”
“Hmm…” Pinkie thought for a moment. “Yes!”
You gasp in shock. “Wow, there are really some fucked up people out there writing pony fiction. For what it’s worth, I stick to more wholesome legitimate writing, like the forbidden love story between Mayor Mare and Granny Smith.”
“Oh, I haven’t read that one,” Twilight said. “And ever since I got you hooked on books with that stay in the hospital, you know I’ve been your number one fan Dash.”
“Yeah, I haven’t finished it yet… and with this whole curse thing, I’m not sure I’ll be able to.” You sigh, “it would have been awesome! My masterpiece! And here we are using the most boring mode of transportation invented by ponies to visit Celestia.”
“Well, trains aren’t all boring. I quite enjoyed the time you couldn’t figure out how to use the restroom and coated the back half of the train car in filth,” Fluttershy said.
“Well that’s exactly why I don’t like trains. Who needs four levers on a toilet? I enjoy more practical things, like short skirts on mares, and explosions!” you respond.
The conversation dies down for a bit and you take a moment to examine your body. You are as alarmed as earlier that you seem to be smooth as a barbie doll between your legs, save for a sensitive bump that is sprouting some hair. It would seem that you didn’t even have the good fortune to turn into a female ape, and instead are turning into a stallion, or man-ape, or whatever they’re called.
“So… you worried for Shining Armor?” you ask.
“Nah, Spike’s watching him and he’s not cursed. If Celestia can’t fix this, we’ll head back and begin experimenting for a cure. If Spike is immune, I can try giving Shining Armor some of his blood… and since my magic seems to be fading slowly, I might even be able to try a spell or two dozen on him,” Twilight explains.
“Hmm, look we’re here!” Pinkie pointed out the window.
“Finally!” you shout. You head to the door, like a cosplaying pig, and open it for the other ponies.
Outside you see a train platform full of writhing hairless apes. Smoke rises from several buildings, and the humans are moaning and slowly shuffling towards the train. The power is out. Looking in both directions you see hordes of humans approaching, and you’re unable to fly away from it this time.
“What do we do girls?” you ask. “We have to get off this platform and to Celestia!”
Twilight points. “Look over there, we’ll find safety inside the terminal!”
She points directly to a set of double doors that says “Don’t Human Open Inside”
“I have a bad feeling about this,” you remark, as clever, witty, and original as ever.
And together, you and your friends take off towards the doors.