//------------------------------// // How To Lose A Stallion // Story: Prince Charmless // by Alabenson //------------------------------// “Ugh, Blueblood has got to be the single most annoying stallion in the history of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash moaned as she collapsed on top of the Cutie Map. Rainbow Dash’s friends sat around the map with looks of concern on their faces. “He just won’t leave me alone. I mean, yesterday he showed up outside my house and tried to serenade me in this stupid looking outfit. And then there’s the junk he keeps sending me, I mean at this point I think my office at the school has got more flowers in it than furniture!” “Now, y’all have explained to this lunkhead that y’ ain’t at all interested in him, right?” Applejack asked. “Of course I have! I’ve told him I don’t want anything to do with him like a bajillion times. He just keeps assuming that I’m playing hard to get.” “And you’re absolutely certain you’ve been perfectly clear on the subject?” Rarity asked. “This is Prince Blueblood we’re talking about, after all. That stallion is dense than Pinkie Pie’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Fudge Cake.” “Oh, that’s Maude’s favorite!” Pinkie Pie chirped happily. “She says it reminds her of osmium rich basalt.” “Kinda off topic, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said. “And the last time Blueblood showed up under my window trying to read poetry to me I told him; ‘You insult my friends, you’re rude to everpony around you and you’re a stupid, stuck up, prissy jerk! There is absolutely nothing about you that makes me want to spend any time around you, let alone actually date you. Go away and leave me alone!’” But the time Rainbow Dash finished recounting her rant she was breathing heavily with a mixture of anger and frustration. “How the hay does anypony hear all that and think I’m just playing ‘hard to get?” “That’s relatively simple to explain; Prince Blueblood is a delusional idiot who’s only going to hear what he wants to regardless of what you actually say,” Moonwhisper said as he trotted into the room. “Now, I do realize that none of you generally consider violence to be an acceptable method of problem solving –“ “Believe me, I would love to thrash that obnoxious jerk until he finally got the message, but I can’t risk it,” Rainbow Dash said. “I’m still on probation with the Wonderbolts for knocking Blueblood on his rump the first time. Spitfire would roast my haunches if she got word I beat the hay out of him again.” “I was actually suggesting something more along the lines of having Prince Blueblood forcibly removed from Ponyville,” Moonwhisper replied. “From what I’ve overheard it sounds as though there’s a strong likelihood that Prince Blueblood is crossing certain legal lines. If that’s the case, then as Captain of the Ponyville Guard then I would have an obligation to step in.” “Unfortunately that’s not really a viable option either,” Twilight interjected as she levitate a large tome onto the map table. “I already checked Equestria’s legal statues on the subject and Prince Blueblood seems to have kept from crossing the line into outright stalking.” “Perhaps not, but you could probably make a case for criminal harassment,” Moonwhisper countered. Twilight thought for a moment before shaking her head. “Let’s call that out Plan B for now. The ideal solution would be to find some way to convince Prince Blueblood to leave Rainbow Dash alone on his own.” “What Ah still don’t get is why this Prince Blueblood fella fell so hard fer y’all in the first place,” Applejack said. “Gee, thanks AJ,” Rainbow Dash replied sarcastically. “Ah didn’t mean it like that, RD,” Applejack explained quickly. “It’s just, from what Ah’ve gathered Prince Blueblood’s even prissier than Rarity. Er, no offense.” “None taken, darling, and I think I can see where you’re going with this. While you certainly have many wonderful attributes, Rainbow Dash, I’m not sure I’d say refinement is one of them,” Rarity said. “Yeah, so? I’m still awesome, maybe Blueblood is just sick of dealing with a bunch of whiny, stuck-up Canterlot mares,” Rainbow Dash retorted defensively. “Or maybe Blueblood just thinks that’s what he wants,” Twilight mused thoughtfully. “Think about it, Prince Blueblood says he’s in love with Rainbow Dash, but the truth is he really hardly knows her at all.” “Uh, yeah, what’s your point?” Rainbow Dash asked. “My point is that I don’t think Prince Blueblood’s really in love with you so much as he’s in love with the idea of you. Blueblood has imagined up some idealized fantasy version of you. So, all we need to do is convince Prince Blueblood that you and his fantasy-you aren’t the same pony.” “Ok, that’s a nice idea and all, the only question is how? Like you already said, Blueblood’s got his head stuck so far up his rump he can’t see anything he doesn’t want to,” Rainbow Dash snorted, “Setting aside your rather colorful way of describing Prince Blueblood’s obliviousness, I’d say the answer is rather simple,” Rarity replied. “You simply have to show Prince Blueblood that you’re the complete opposite of the pony he’s imagined you as in a way that’s so over the top that even he can’t ignore it.” “Y’ mean kinda like how he turned out to be the opposite of the pony y’all thought he was at the Grand Galloping Gala?” Applejack asked half-jokingly. “Yes. Like that,” Rarity replied bitterly. “Thank you so very much for bringing up that bit of misery. In any event, the main difference here would be that Rainbow Dash would be doing it intentionally instead of being naturally repugnant.” “Wait, hold on, it’s starting to sound like you guys are suggesting I actually go on a date with him,” Rainbow Dash said uneasily. “Not just any date, darling, but the worst, most unrelentingly horrid date imaginable!” Rarity declared. “You need to show Prince Blueblood the worst time of his life to the extent that the very idea of romancing you sickens him as much as the idea of being romanced by him sickens you.” “And you really think that that would be enough to finally get rid of him?” Rainbow Dash asked skeptically. “Trust me, Rainbow Dash, if we do this correctly Prince Blueblood will never want to so much as see your face ever again!” Rarity assured her. The six friends then quickly began making plans for what they hoped would be the worst date in the history of Equestria as Spike and Moonwhisper looked on. “Does this sort of thing happen often?” Moonwhisper asked as he and Spike left the mares to their scheming. “What, you mean the whole unwanted wannabe coltfriend thing?” Spike replied. “Nah, at least not like this anyway.” “Actually, I was referring in a broader sense about their insistence on dealing with an issue in a roundabout manner that has a high probability of somehow backfiring spectacularly,” Moonwhisper said. “Oh, that,” Spike said. “Yeah, you get used to that pretty quickly.” ********* “You’re really serious? Rainbow Dash has finally agreed to accept my undying love and devotion?” Prince Blueblood asked excitedly. “Well, that’s not what I said exactly,” Twilight replied with a nervous laugh. It had been decided by a near-unanimous vote (Twilight herself being the only dissenter) that Twilight would be the best pony to contact Prince Blueblood about the ‘date’. “What I said was that Rainbow Dash has agreed to go out on a date with you. One date. Mostly to check to see if you’re ‘awesome’ enough to be her special somepony.” Twilight added, hoping the implied challenge would ensure Prince Blueblood would take the bait. “Of – of course! A pinnacle of maredom, of ponykind itself such as Rainbow Dash couldn’t be too careful when assessing potential suitors. I suppose even a spectacular specimen such as I would have to expect a certain level of scrutiny.” Twilight stared at Prince Blueblood for several seconds as she tried to work out if he was being sincere or just trying to save face. “Anyway, I’ve already prepared an itinerary for the two of you for the night after tomorrow. You’ll start the evening with dinner at Le Balle de Foin, followed by a concert that’s being put on by the Ponyville Community Orchestra.” “A community orchestra?” Prince Blueblood sneered in disgust. “Well, I suppose that’s still a higher caliber of culture than I expected from a common backwater village like this. Very well, I shall see Rainbow Dash the evening after tomorrow. Except, of course, in my dreams, where I will see her tonight.”Never before had Twilight been so grateful that she wasn’t the princess responsible for the realm of dreams. Unbeknowst to either Prince Blueblood or Twilight, however, the cloaked figure who had arrived in Ponyville at the same time as Prince Blueblood was eavesdropping on their conversation. “So, Rainbow Dash is trying to romance some Canterlot big shot. Well, I’m gonna make sure Rainbow Dash has the worst night of her life. That’ll show her what happens when you stomp on somepony else’s dreams.”