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// Lesson Zero 
// Story: Unpleasant Correspondence 
// by StormLuna 
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Dear Princess Celestia, 

I am not thrilled that you saw everything that was going on and simply sat up there and did nothing.  I know you often times spy on me from that balcony of yours and you were probably sitting up there laughing, gorging yourself on cake and screwing my old friends.  Some mentor you are. 

And these so called friends aren't any better either.  I have a serious problem and they take it like it is some sort of joke.  If I saw one of them going into a panic like that and their mane and tail got messy, I'd certainly ask them what was wrong and see if there was anything I could do to help them.  I would do that because I am a nice, caring pony who loves everypony.  

What bothers me the most is that they took it lightly that I might get sent back to magic kindergarten over this.  Now even you should know that they aren't real friends and you should either let me come home or send my REAL friends down to be with me, at least they would care.  

After this fiasco, I doubt I can trust any of them from now on.  They proved themselves to be heartless bitches that are undeserving of life.  Now I must go to bed and hope I don't have nightmares about this. 

Your Traumatized Student, 

Twilight Sparkle 





To my full of shit student, 

You, a nice caring pony?  Don't make me laugh Twily.  I know how you would react in that situation, you would probably laugh at them, tell them how pathetic they are and then go screw the spa twins.  You're not little miss innocent here, they were simply giving you a dose of your own medicine.

I know a lot of things happened and I must admit, I find it downright adorable when you get like this.  I remember up in Canterlot how Moondancer would always freak out when she would be pushing the envelope with getting her assignments in on time but this takes the cake!  Never before have I seen a pony have a complete and absolute meltdown like this.  That meltdown was so epic you even fantasized about an Alicorn filly being in magic kindergarten.  Priceless, absolutely priceless!

Oh and about you claiming to be such a "good friend" when it came to trying to find a friendship problem with those acquaintances of yours.  Give me a break, they know as well as I do that you barely tolerate their presence and I can't help but wonder if they didn't just get together and try to find a way to evict you from their lives.  I know those five well enough to know that they truly would care about you even though you are a bitch to them 99% of the time. 

There is one thing I think that you really should know though, it is highly illegal to cast the "Want it, Need it" spell on an object, especially to get fillies to fight over said object.  Because you did that, I have decided I will punish you but I will reveal my plans for further on down the road, I like the idea of keeping you in suspense.  

Oh, and regarding your traumatizing fantasies about magic kindergarten, I would never do that to you.  First, I doubt your parents want to have to put up with you again.  Second, I certainly don't want to have to deal with you face to face unless it is absolutely necessary.  Third, I know Canterlot certainly doesn't want you back here and finally, I honestly don't want to deprive Ponyville of your presence.  They don't deserve to be rid of you, especially at the expense of a much better community.

Now I do hope that this will be a learning lesson for you.  I do hope that you will learn that I'm not that demanding.  Hearing from you once a week is way too much to start with so feel free to neglect writing me.  Your acquaintances however, I do want to hear from them because unlike you, even Rainbow Crash, they are not conceited little bitches whose sole goal in life is to make my life miserable. 

I know that your acquaintances secretly enjoyed seeing you have the most epic meltdown of all time but consider yourself lucky.  The spa twins were out of town so they didn't have their eyes seared with the hideous image of you with your mane and tail so unkempt.  If they would have saw it, I know they'd never put out for you again.  Funny thing is, I have pictures so you better be good or I'll share them with them. 

Oh and Luna knows about this too and I told her that if you have any nightmares, that she is not to help you.  We talked and we both agree that you deserve to suffer for all the problems you have caused everypony around you. 

Your Still Laughing Overlord, 

Princess Troll, I mean Princess Celestia